Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Kat InLosAngeles]

Okok and Glenn, thanks for sharing your stories, I can relate. I actually have a pretty strong sex drive, I just don’t want it to involve anyone else. I’ve had relationships, marriage, kids, and it seems like every year that passed I was less interested in sex, and was rushing thru it. (I never minded giving bj’s much, so my hubby stayed happy enough. We divorced for non-sexual reasons.). I was always demisexual, in that it was very, very rare to find a man who did attract me.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the reply and insight Kat. I thought it would be years before the next post!

Perhaps I will meet someone like you in another life and live happily ever after😆

[Ana Laura]

Oh my, where to start?

Grew up in a super conservative, close minded society where, if you are not married by the age of 25, everyone assumes there is something wrong with you.

I guess the first indication that I was different was when my female friends started to have crushes on guys and talk a lot about them. I just couldn’t care less. When they asked me who I was in love with, I never had an answer, so I would just name a random person. Also, when they asked me what my ideal guy was like, I struggled a lot to answer. Nothing ever came to mind so I just always said random stuff and changed the answer every time. You can imagine my friend’s confusion. I did get mini crushes, but I would hate the guy’s guts if he ever reciprocated my feelings. I would always tell my friends I was like a dog chasing a car. I really wanted that car, but once I caught it, I lost interest in it immediately.

Then I went abroad to study college in Houston at 21, and wow, it was the first time I ever felt pressured by society to have a boyfriend and get in on the “action”. I never did. Just the thought of kissing someone was gross to me. I did try dating someone, but it only lasted 3 months. I thought I loved the guy, but the more time I spent with him, the more I realized he was just a very good friend. I started seeing him as a little brother after 2 months, so you can imagine how hard it was for me when it came to kissing him XD I also could never (even up to this day) tell friendship and love apart. They are the same to me. I thought it was because I fell in love with everybody, but now I know it’s because I have never fallen in love before hehehe.

For a time I thought I had some sort of mental illness. I researched depression, narcissism, sociopathy, bipolarity, and even for a time I thought maybe I was a lesbian in denial. Then I came across a forum talking about asexuality and it just clicked. I think it was an AVEN post. I’m happy that I can put a name to what I feel (or don’t feel). It’s a relief I am not the only one who feels this. I just wish the people around me could accept that I am asexual. I once tried coming out to my siblings. It did not go well. They just laughed at me and told me I was not an amoeba *facepalm*

I would love to be in a QPR with someone. Just cuddle around while watching movies and stuff, but I’m too lazy to go looking for someone. It’s the free and single life for me <3

[monica]

I’m a romantic who never thought of myself in any other terms than heterosexual until very recently. I always liked boys/men and have fallen desperately in love a number of times. I drifted from relationship to relationship and put up with sex in the hope of being with the man I loved. But I always hated sex, increasingly so as I got older. I hope I don’t offend anyone if admit that more and more I felt as if I’m raped, even if I consented. Finally I admitted to myself that for whatever reason, I can’t keep doing it anymore. I don’t even like kissing, although I love to cuddle and hold hands as much as anyone. It has nothing to do with my upbringing. I had very open-minded parents and my mom discussed things with me from an early age. I always thought sex is the most overrated thing since the beginning of time. For a while I assumed all women must secretly feel like me but put up with sex to be cool. Finally I realize it’s me, and have lived with the shame and frustration ever since. It’s a huge relief to know there’s a big community of like-minded people. I’d love to hear from any of you who wish to be friends or have a relationship.

[Kristel]

I liked the idea of romance, but never really considered it. I grew up very sheltered, and it wasn’t until I was 15 that some friends of mine introduced me to the idea of sex, homosexuality and relationships. I was admittedly curious about it all, and I had a few crushes on both boys and girls, but I was never interested in sex in any way. When I was 16, I had my first kiss, and it was awful. I couldn’t understand why.

Eventually, I just put it down as me being a late bloomer, but I started to feel the pressure as I got older. My family started to stress that I was alone. My friends were pairing up and getting married. My five younger siblings all went in and out of relationships. I didn’t know what was missing.

And I thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t figure out why I was different. I went through a stage, in my early 20s, of desperately wanting a relationship, and trying to force lust but it never worked. I’ve never had sex, but I knew unequivocally that it was not something I wanted. Even the idea was repulsive. And that made me feel even worse. Something in my must be broken, I decided.

Five years ago, I was introduced to the concept of assexuality. At that time, a lot was happening, with many relationships around me failing, and I dismissed the idea at first, because I thought maybe I was just scared. As did my family and friends.

Then I researched. The more I researched, the more I found myself saying “I do that”. Finally, just over a year ago, I knew 100%. I’m asexual. I want a relationship, but I don’t want sex. And I started coming out to everyone that was important to me.

They’ve been amazing, all my family and friends. All of them sort of went “that makes a lot of sense, actually” and they’ve tried their hardest to understand as much as they can. Some times I feel lonely and apart from others, but I finally feel settled on my own skin, as myself.

[Carly Thomas]

I feel like I’ve struggled with my asexuality for most of my life. It was honestly easier for me to admit to people that I liked both men and women than it was for me to admit I was asexual. I guess I was just always a little terrified that I’d be rejected? Sex is a pretty healthy part of most relationships.

Things haven’t really gotten much easier. I thought I was with someone who’d accepted me. We’d been dating for 3 years, but ultimately it was 3 years of compromise because we didn’t have that much in common. I can be a bit of a homebody, so common-ground is very important to me. It is incredibly difficult to find someone around my age, in my city, who also enjoys and wants the same things out of a relationship.

I’d love to find someone here, but I’m not feeling particularly optimistic. But I’m glad these forums exists. It’s nice to have a place where I can be a little insecure.

[Marina]

Hello everyone!

Hmmm..I pretty much discovered I was ace around elementary school. That was when all my friends were starting to get interested in boys, and would constantly talk about their crushes. They would always ask me who I had a crush on, and I never felt anything for the opposite sex (or the same sex). I figured I was just a late bloomer and those feelings would come naturally as I got older. But their I was in high school, a time where emotions and hormones are supposed to make you go wild, and I still didn’t feel any kind of sexual urge. I would have fake “relationships” and “crushes” to get my friends off my back, because they could never understand that I wasn’t interested in either sex. In college I realized the only way I would even think of starting a relationship with someone is if I already had a strong emotional attachment to that person (so I’m a Demi).

I want a relationship and a partner to share my life with (heteroromantic), I just don’t want sex to be a binding chain for that agreement. As a Demisexual, I can have sex with someone who I love or am a very close friend to, but for me I can have it or not have it. If I have sex with that person, fine, if I don’t, also fine. I’m more interested in the romantic part of a relationship than anything sexual. 🙂

I hope this site will allow me to find that special someone who wants a relationship, but one where sex is not an iron clad rule.

[Carol]

I am glad I found this site. I didn’t know about asexuality until 1 year and some months ago. I always knew and felt different, just didn’t know there are more people like me.
I have a beautiful story. I met my husband by internet,via an international chatroom. We were 17/20 years old. We talked daily and we became best friends. From best friends it became a relationship. The only problem, he is Dutch and he was in the Netherlands; I am brasilian and I was in Brasil. A long distance relationship were born, with some visits here and there. In 2002 I moved to the Netherlands to live with him, in 2004 we got married and we are still together, with 2 sons and 2 cats. We had some ups and downs, many more ups than downs.
We both are asexuals, I am demisexual, he is gray (with some other labels). Funny coincidence, like a lottery, we met without knowing about asexuality.
I am here searching for long term friendships, maybe a little bit more than friendship.

[Porter Sabin]

I discovered that I’m Ace about a year and a half ago, and I’ve found that the hardest parts for me have been normal relationships and just simply talking about it to people. Maybe it’s the same for females, but I’ve found that as a guy people were quick to judge me or simply not believe me. I got the “just can’t get laid” response a few too many times. In relationships, I always looked for someone else who was Ace, but I live in a really small town and thus, finding a female my age who liked me back was enough of a challenge. Well, after being villainized, cheated on, and left throughout the span of three awful relationships, I realized that I had no choice but to stand by until I found someone else who is Ace. Eventually a friend recommended me here.

[thomas]

Hi all,

I am 51 years old, and only recently discovered I was Asexual. Honestly, I didn’t even really know it was an option!

I am at the end of a ten year relationship with a great woman (we are still the best of friends). I’ve always been Asexual. However I always just assumed I had some sexual dysfunction issues. At the beginning of my current relationship I was up-front about this and we just kinda dealt with the fact that I never wanted to have sex by me saying “I’ll try better”. Literally every other facet of our relationship was fantastic.

I possess the capability to have sex…the equipment works, I just don’t have the desire to make it happen. I’ve only had sex with two women my entire life and that seemed like plenty. I can (and have) gone years without sex.

I recently came to the understanding that I’m Asexual and *WOW* it felt like I’d just shed heavy iron chains that had been wrapped around me my whole life. I’d simply become used to bearing the burden of always trying to “be more sexual” when that was never going to happen. By simply accepting myself as a non-sexual person, I became Whole for the first time ever.

Even as a young man in the Navy, when all the guys would get prostitutes overseas (literally every single male in our division) – I would always be the odd man out because the thought of purchasing a woman for sex was disgusting. I eventually started paying for the ladies simply to fit in, then I’d just buy them dinner and enjoy their company, nothing more. At that time I figured maybe because I found prostitution itself distasteful, but in reality it was just sex in general.

Now here I am, newly single…just a normal, professional man who loves going out to eat, art, reading, creativity, spirituality…I’m just not interested in sex. Emotional Intimacy and close friendship, yes – sex, no.

Feels so strange to be starting this new chapter after 50 years of living, but so it goes. I look forward to meeting others in the same predicament because I am officially not dating “Normies” ever again. I tried to force myself to fit into that box my whole adult life, and it seems silly to do that again.

Much love to all…

[Shana]

I’m 27 and realized I was asexual a little over two years ago. I had been struggling with the desire to have sex or do anything sexual for a few years. I used to have an active sex drive and was quite boy crazy. Many bad experiences I think had left me without the desire for sex, or maybe I just changed. I struggled with not wanting sex alot. It seemed like men would always go for it and I always hated it. I’d get drunk so I could at least semi enjoy it or just not care. I’d broken up several relationships because I was disgusted with the idea of being intimate with them and I didn’t know why. Even trying to explain to sa guy I was dating that I didn’t really want to have sex, he still tried anyway, and I ghosted him after that. I’m about to end my two year long relationship partially because of my asexuality and his extreme sex drive. We’ve been in an open relationship the whole time and he’s known I’m asexual since we got together, but I don’t think he understands what it really means. I hate not being able to be in my own home without having the fear he’s going to ask for sex or initiate it. I feel lost and broken at times and wish I wasn’t asexual but I’m going to try to reach out and find more people like me before succumbing to my depression entirely.

[Ashleigh]

I had spent most of my teens waiting for the day I’d wake up and suddenly have an interest in boys. Or girls. Anything.

I’ve broken a handful of hearts, including my own, when I failed to physically reciprocate. The fault is mine, I kept forcing myself to try, hoping that enough dates would cure me of whatever ‘weird hangups’ I had about sex. That some Knight in Shining Armor would sweep me off my feet and willingly into bed.

WELP.

In college I just avoided dating altogether. Why string some poor guy along? I eventually found a friend who introduced me to the concept of asexuality so I did a little research. I was so relieved to finally have a name for it, but not thrilled about the prognosis.

This ‘condition’ I thought I had was actually an orientation. I wasn’t broken, but I realized I’d likely never experience physical attraction the way the rest of the world does. It was massive deal-breaker hanging over my head: a severe handicap to my romantic aspirations.

How cruel is it that a person can have the heart of a romantic, but be repulsed by what the rest of the world considers the ultimate expression of love??

I wont lie and say the self-discovery gave me any sense of pride. If anything it’s contributed to my depressive episodes and made Thanksgiving conversations super awkward.

But now, at 26, I guess I finally hit a point where I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and wanted to start looking. There are clearly other people like us out there and I cant be the only one who doesn’t want to go it alone.

I mean, maybe my Knight in Shining Armor is asexual too?

[Pedro Frazao]

Heres an idea…why not look for your best friend and go from there?
Make it simple and be honest.
If someone loves you they wont really care about sex and if you love them maybe having sex once in a blue moon wont kill you.
Once I wanted sex all the time because I confused sex with love now if I dont have sex doesnt bother me much at all.
Everyone is different and lets be honest here, most people arent very truthful when they start a relationship, if youre honest from the beginning you have better chances of finding the one thats gonna be by your side.
From what I read most people here have something very special to offer, when feeling lonely simply try to reach out to one or two people here and make friends, if you have real friends you will never be lonely.
Theres quite a few people around here, maybe some of you guys should try to organize a get together and see what happens.
Sadly most of us think sex is one of the most important things in a relationship, too late people find out its not.
I wish good luck to all of you and its a pleasure seeing that there are still some good kind hearted people out there like most of you guys here.

[Cathy]

All I can say is wow, I am so relieved to have found this site. All my life I have only identified as a lesbian, and now I have found out that being asexual is actually real and that are many people out there who feel like me. I had my first relationship with a woman and it lasted 14 years, no sex, she finally left me for other reasons, but probably the no sex thing also got to her eventually. My next relationship lasted 8 years and we had sex, but for me it was more of an obligation and chore. I never was the one to initiate it, and it had to be planned ahead of time, no spontaneity. That ended 2 years ago, and I have been longing for someone to love and hold and do things with etc… I went on a couple dates recently, but a few dates in I got panicked with the thought that soon there would be talk of sex…2 days ago I had this revelation, and since I am a believer in God and the power of prayer I really think that divine intervention lead me to Google “asexual” and now here we are. I told the girl I went on a date with recently and we are going to be friends, she is understanding and still likes me. I hope that through this site or at least my coming to terms with this and being open with it, I have already come out to my co workers. If I go back to any traditional dating sites, I now know that it’s okay to be asexual and to tell potential mates this who I am take it or leave it.

[Fenicia Rosario]

I really didn’t think this would still be an alive site because it’s so rare that I’ve seen people actually involve themselves on here especially in the older age group. I would like to say thank you for your story because I too have broken many relationships up due to not having any sexual desires although, you said differently about yourself I just thought I’d put that out there about me. I have no clue if I will ever have sexual desires but as for now I’d like to meet people in the US that I could visit, we could go out and become friends maybe but it’s so rare.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Fenicia Rosario. Reason: grammatical corrections

[Fenicia Rosario]

Hello and thank you Pedro for sharing this story. It sounds great because I too say the same thing, that I would like to meet someone on here and become friends whether it’s 1 or 10 people. However, it’s so few, far and in-between that we as a group of people called asexuals even tried to get together. I feel that if we do it could be a wonderful community of people. I also think sex is overrated and I’ve spent most of my entire life thinking I was either sick in the mind, cursed, or God did not want me to be with anyone. I went through a phase of even thinking I was a lesbian, sex is sex And it was never enjoyable with anyone for me. I don’t know if I would ever find anyone to fall in love with And then that would make a difference of how I feel about sex. I’ve never had that feeling and I’m 62 years old. I’ve went through my entire life wishing to be in a healthy relationship without sex however, although I’m a professional person happy in life that is just one element I have major problems in because I have associates and friends who don’t think we exist. There’s no one I can actually have a decent conversation with that understands that’s a lonely feeling sometimes. However, God-bless to mean that the personality to not give up and to continue on.

[Ben]

My story is very simple. I am a very romantic person and my friends think I am a hopeless romantic. However, as you know I failed to follow up on my romanticism with sex and therefore my past relationships fail. I don’t want to scare anyone off but some feel find me too romantic. HAHA
I like romance and I think every day should be romantic.

[Pedro Frazao]

Nothing wrong with that Ben.
If you are honest from the beginning one can only appreciate you more.
Most women out there complain they have no romance, they don’t want sex, bla bla bla
Guys like us come along and they just want to have sex.
Perception vs reality I guess.

[Bonnie]

I just went on a date and we got along and everything but I know eventually the sex thing will come up and I have never wanted to be with anyone in that way. It’s made a very lonely existence. I have never been completely intimate with anyone sexually and at my age not many exist.The guys always wanted more and I did not want to give it so thus every relationship ended with a mad guy who didn’t have the physical part satisfied.I’ve wondered what is wrong with me but I’m actually sex repulsed and always have been. I was born that way I think. I need my space being an empath and it would feel too much to even think about it. I didn’t mind cuddling, kissing and a little more but sex is something men seemed to want and I did not want that.

I need to be honest with this guy being our second meeting. We are compatible in a lot of ways and he’s very patient and a swell human being but when I drop the bomb inevitably which I’ve done with other guys early on I think he’ll walk away like all of them.Men seem to want the whole package and I’m not wanting that but I want closeness and companionship.I want buddies, separate bedrooms, etc.I’m very sensitive to energy and I can’t sleep in the same bed with anyone.

Does anyone relate?

[Pedro Frazao]

Not sleeping in same bed would, from everything you wrote, was the most disturbing thing to me.
I wanted an asexual relationship with the person I went out last, I am a man and she was a woman, guess who wanted lots and lots and lots of sex?
Not me.
From my personal experience and listening to other people stories (not here on these websites) women are worst than men but men are just more honest about it.
Trust me, I tried phone apps, even the women that didn’t want sex wanted more sex than the ones that did…and that’s before we even met, after a few days of conversation…obviously I ended up not even meeting as I value my time.
I believe you have to talk to someone, tell them how you feel and after you meet in person have that conversation again, it wouldn’t hurt.
Hey…if the guy or girl don’t have sex and they keep meeting and they show love and affection maybe you found what you are looking for.

[Author]

Posts