Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Raell5]

Even normal men-on conventional diets- seem to lose steam and ability as they age. It seems logical some of these men would have enough drive to ask women out but would be relieved not to have to “perform.” At least it was that way with one romantic relationship that lasted a number of months. This guy’s attraction; he is an intellectual, expert ballroom/jitterbug dancer (I met him at a dance), photographer, artist, loves to read, curious as a ferret..it was like I’d met my doppelganger. We would finish each others’ sentences, go crazy over the same museum exhibits, and found we’d studied the same research.

We thought it would be easy to have a permanent relationship. I even was deeply in love but my instinct to avoid relationships kicked in and he didn’t have enough testosterone to pursue me and close the deal. If men lack that instinct..it “AIN’T happening”..unless the female takes the lead. In my experience an aggressive female makes most men retreat in confusion, since normal hetero males are hard-wired to be the “predator” and pursue females.

Anyway I found the same lack of romantic match-making on androgyne and even Third Culture Kids dating forums, so my theory still stands; it takes strong male testosterone instinct to push through rejection and win over a female. I suppose there are exceptions, but I’ve not seen any so far on any of the dating forums.

Mostly people on these forums talk about the kind of romantic relationships they WANT, but nobody actually does anything about it. It’s up to the males to pursue women (or whatever) but females should also have the instinct to encourage them.

Sadly, I am having too much fun and far too contented as a single to get on “normal” dating forums and find a partner. It’s easy to sort out the normal men..just say that you don’t believe in “casual sex” and that will eliminate all but the demisexuals!
Mostly.

[Anonymous]

-can be agressive at times- Though calling it blunt seems more accurate. And I would agree that it doesn’t seem to tickle their fancy. 😉

Their being heterosexual males.

What I would disagree with you about is the significance of the effect of normal levels of testosterone or estrogen. (Above normal levels I can see.) I believe many asexuals have the same ‘normal’ levels of testosterone as sexuals, and yet many ace males do not pursue. An example would be my brother, who happens to appear very masculine (he is a physical trainer) and has normal T levels, though he is asexual and does not pursue women. What I think is more significant is personality, he is an introvert. Additionally, societal influences play a greater role I believe. Even if a man would prefer a woman to lead, if this situation makes him appear incompetent in society it could lead to him having an unpleased reaction.

Now… what I’m interested in is finding an extroverted asexual male with normal testosterone levels to be my test subject. Anyone? 😀

[Raell5]

Yeah..it’s confusing.
I should have said higher levels of testosterone brain initialization; studies indicate most male traits are concentrated on the right hemisphere of the brain, female traits concentrated on the left side. I have high levels of testosterone brain mapping, as indicated by both my behavior and long ring fingers, compared to my index fingers.

If someone has high levels of both gender hormones the dual hormone mapping can cancel out each other’s sexual attraction instincts and that person can be asexual or demisexaul. These people often have high libidos, but no predator instinct to either pursue a female, or to flirt with males. It’s not a LACK of testosterone in a male that makes him neutral, but the presence ALSO of female hormone brain mapping-mixed signals, so to speak. As it is in my case.

Science News article; study says that relative lengths of ring and index fingers are reliable indicators of levels of sex hormones absorbed in the womb; longer ring fingers than index fingers indicate high levels of testosterone, longer index fingers indicate higher estrogen levels.

Long ring fingers are also associated with higher occurrence of varying levels of dyslexia, high level musical ability, ability to visualize concepts in engineering, physical abilities, ability to maintain a mental map, and male-like behavior in women who have them

This can be caused by many reasons; heredity, stress, drugs taken during pregnancy, or things like a woman having recently given birth to a male. Residual testosterone can be absorbed in the womb by a female baby born soon afterward and this also occurs in animals as well.

http://viewzone2.com/fingers.html

[Anonymous]

That is quite interesting! Obviously I just double checked and my ring finger is noticeably longer than my index finger. My brother’s is also longer, though closer comparatively to the length of his index finger. This deserves a thread of it’s own. Perhaps called “sex traits and possible asexual markers” …?

Additionally, I’ve always taken the map observances to be a hoax. I’ll never forget the time a professor gave me the map test and was expecting for me internalize it ‘like a female’. When I was finished she just sat back, looked at me and said “Well, that’s the way males understand maps.”. Maybe there’s more to this than I thought.

[Anonymous]

Edit: What I said about my brother’s fingers was based off of memory (poor memory, it seems). He just returned home so we checked and in fact his index fingers are longer than his ring fingers.

[Raell5]

Not to worry, most creative, high IQ people are androgynous-especially the creative geniuses who change the world. You’ll notice many/most famous people have a problem with relationships and the most intelligent ones often only reproduce by accident.

But studies show that the most femme women and macho men only have an average of 80% of their birth gender traits.

Studies also show that people with the most traits like their birth gender (the most “girly” girls and “macho” men) are the ones most successful in relationships and the ones who have the most children, but also the ones with the LOWEST IQs on average.
The more androgynous people are, the more likely they are to be artists, inventors, writers, or some intelligent career type, more obsessed with pursuing interests than having families.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/

[sara]

This is exactly how I felt. I just found out about asexuality now. Mine was triggered due to medication but I felt it none the less. Good luck with your search for the one. 🙂

[sara]

Why not look here for a match? Sex is important to women who find it important. Here you don’t have that problem. I also find that sexual people take it personally when you deny them sex. They feel deprived somehow. I think it would be amazing to find the romance without sex being an issue to worry about. When two adults are compatible in the fact that they both don’t want sex then no one gets hurt. I hope to meet someone here. I find this part of my life causing a real disturbance in finding a compatible mate or trying to find a partner on regular dating websites. I’ve even posted the truth and just ended up getting rude comments. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, when I was little I was interested in boys in a romantic way, untill my puberty I liked maybe 3 guys from my class, only because they were cute. When my teen years came I found the fun spot and enjoyed it, but never have I imagined anyone while doing it. Other girls started confessing their love for guys while I was still a little tomboy girl that had to lie to like someone who’s popular just to get accepted to the group. I got confessed many times, but never could return the feelings. I still liked some pretty boys but never have I actually thought about them sexualy. I actually thought that everyone was like me, I surrounded myself with boys they were my only friends, I couldn’t stand girls my age, guys were so simple and fun to be around. When I was 16 I had my first ex boyfriend, he tried to make me like french kissing… that ended horribly wrong. I always hated my own saliva, so there are no words to describre my disgust in that action. By that time I was no longer interested in masturbation. 17 years old I met my other ex, with him we tried sex. I thought maybe if I’ll try it I’ll like it. We tried it many times, he was a really sexualy active guy and complained about me not ever showing iniciative, sometimes he raped me, and he would get really angry at me for not wanting to have sex, he would cut himself or not talk to me for few days and act in passive agressive ways. But mostly I just went with the flow, because I actually trusted him. In the end he cheated on me several times and didn’t tell me anything, even when I confronted him about it. It went on for 5 months until I made my friend tell me everything she knew about it. I was actually looking for basis for me to leaving him, because he was an actual psychopath, these people are realy toxic and can even kill you. Only after I lied to him that I met a girl with whom he cheated on me and that she told me everything, and I told every rumor that I heard from my friends, he confessed. He was kicked out of my house at the same evening. After that I had many things to think about, I was really thinking through why I was so not interested in sex, I have never found anyone sexy, never. I am an artist, I draw naked people and I feel nothing about it, I admire their beauty and perfection but not in any sexual way. I found a term about 2 years ago, and I was so happy to find that I am not alone on this. Many of my admirerers were disapointed and I’m sad for them but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve never felt bad about my asexuality I was just wondering why I was not interested. Sexual people always looked like cats in heat to me :S I am so sorry, but that’s what they look like to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really open minded and tolerant but even my mother thinks the same way I do about sexual people. 🙂 I have a main guy friend now with whom I chat every day, he’s heterosexual but he accepts me the way I am, he confessed to me that he loved me for a long time and that his feelings only grew stronger after our first encounter. I used to like him too in my teens, he was always an interesting character. We’ll see where this thing goes, but he would want a family with me, which scares me because I am scared of children or the girlfriend/wife label. There’s still a lot of time though, I am still young so maybe my outlook on life will change.
So that’s the basics of my asexual life and how I found out about my asexuality. C:

[Brendan]

I just never really cared about having sex. Things started to get bad when I ended up having to lie to my friends about “hot” chicks and tried dating a few times just to keep up appearances, they all ended with me “not being romantic enough”. I just wanted a really really good friend. Finally, I started getting deep into being an honest person and saw this was destroying my life. I hated to lie, so instead of lying, I just separated myself from people more and more to the point where I had no more friends. I had no word for my lack of sexual interest until I heard about Asexuality on a “Stuff You Should Know” podcast. Finally, I had a word for it and I feel it allows me to finally be honest with a community of accepting people instead of going down the destructive path of isolation. So, now, I feel comfortable around the asexual community and building relationships there. I like being around interesting and intelligent people, people who have passions in life, and learning new things, and ultimately, I hope to find a great person who becomes essential to each of our happiness!

[sara]

I’m glad that you found an outlet. I’m still becoming familiarized with this site.

[Anonymous]

Realizing that I am asexual took a long time. I never dated in high school or university. I wasn’t sure if I was str8 or gay. Erections were possible but I couldn’t keep them. It was difficult to reach orgasm or to ejaculate. Wet dreams were my primary release.

When I was 36 I met my wife. Fell in love. Erections were possible, but I would take forever to climax.

We married, and for us sex was something we did until she climaxed, then we would stop. That worked well until we wanted to have kids.

We found an innovative way for me to climax in her, and as a result we have some lovely children.

As I got older, my erections ceased and we have not had sex now for several years. Thankfully my wife’s libido plummeted after the birth of each child, and has stayed low.

No sex and no masturbation. But I have always had wet dreams. I am thankful that my body is cooperative in releasing the fluids that build up.

[Darlene]

I always thought something was wrong with me. Like I would never have a successful relationship and that I’d be alone forever!!!
Well, I’m not sure if Ill be alone or not but at least I’ve found others who feel similarly to me and now I don’t have to feel like such a loser/freak.
SO MUCH pressure from society and friends to be “normal” which translates to “HYPERSEXUAL” well I CANT!! IM NOT!!

No more pretending!

I just want to feel totally relaxed with someone. I want to know we can cuddle touch all night and there will be no pressure to go further. Wow how amazing would THAT be. I am not 100% asexual though. I do like sex on a RARE occasion. but when I like it, I really really like it.

Anyway… so I recently broke up with yet ANOTHER boyfriend. (I’ve dated so many and I’ve broken up with each and every one of them)…and I was feeling like such a loser… so I was messing around on the web and I found this place… I just would love so much to meet other people like myself.

I feel like I can finally accept myself and love myself and BE OK that I am different… and maybe even have hope that I will meet a man who can stand by my side through this crazy life. <3

[Anonymous]

SO… I have to say that I had kind of the same experience as one Anonymous said before. There has been only a year since I heard for the first time the description of an “asexual” in the website “Upworthy”… the truth is that I during all the video -maybe 6-10 minutes- I say to myself… fuck fuck fuck fuck… in my mind, some door had opened in my mind and know I could understand much more about the choices that I had made in my life and why some of the stuff just didn’t work.

In the past I’ve lied, and not lied but instead pretend to be”more shy” than I am… just because I hate to lie to my friends…but at the same time some people got pissed of me because I never explain anything about my lovelife -because I actually didn’t had-. ThanksGod now I’m so good at changing the course of the conversations and I always managed to pass through withouth actually lying… my closest friends know about the basics and I’m doing progress 🙂 About the responses, everyone loves me as much as before, although some of them do not really believe on that this is actually truth.

SO, I think I’m asexual… maybe grey or demisexual-yeah… demisexual is the most accurate word- because every time I do try something or I feel so much sexpressure about a guy, my body just can’t stand it. And I really cannot do anything to change it. But at the same time I do love guys, talking with them, messing around and I get aroused (?¿ sorry I’m not a english native… aroused meaning hot hot) but then if I do something it’s like really really not what I had expected… so in that way I feel a little bit confused. I do not miss sex, and I do not really wish for a relationship if I do not feel like being in one.

I have friends and I enjoy my life but I would like to feel like being in one…-call me traditional-.

Because I’ve been in love and I’m sure it will happen again, and maybe that’s why I’m here. The other times it didn’t work because I just could not manage to tell what I was – because I didn’t had a word and because I was deeply scared- maybe now it will be easier.

thanks for reading and if someone has thoughts about that, do not hesitase to contact me.

Best wishes!!

[isobelparis]

Asexuality ? it is a very complex question and its perception can be completely different from a person to another.
i am less and less interessed in sex from years. but tenderness, affection, love , a romantic love affair, sensuality even mostly platonic, are essential in my way of life. for exemple, i can spend hours during a WE, huddled together with my lover, enjoying the proximity and tenderness of each other and our different kind of exchanges AND affinities.
The ambiguity for me is not the importance of the gender of the person , it could be a man or a woman, even most of my life my lovers have ben men, most of them intuitive and with a great sensitivity. But i care more about the person as an identity, a personnality, a personal way of thinking and moving in space, gentleness, creativity skills, etc.
But i don’t really feel as an asexual neither bisexual person,
is it necessary to anticipate a definitive choice ?

[Alley Smith]

Well, my journey was pretty lackluster. As a child I assumed I would one day fall in love. I mimicked crushes I saw on Disney films. I grew, and my mother would be all the love I’d ever need. Then I became a teenager, and fell in love, and it was a thrill that lilted in my chest like leaves that can’t quite accept falling to the ground just yet. It was a sick giddiness I’ll never forget. I kissed, but that was all. The thrill of not knowing the future was the joy I wished to prolong. Then I reached full teenager status, and engaged in regular drunk kissing, and got my first girlfriend. Decided I was bi, but everyone knew better. Now I’m a grown-up, and I’m less certain than ever before. I had to be told what I was.. And now, I’m just me. Asexual, much to the chagrin of anyone who pretends to be interested in my thoughts at a bar. It’s not such a bother, but I’m lonely.

[Anonymous]

When I was in middle school I was forced to go off to a Catholic sleep away camp for 2 weeks every Summer(Until right before 9th grade when I finally just had a complete fit and refused to go, I was sick of being forced to go somewhere that couldn’t accept the fact I wasn’t only attracted to the opposite sex). But when I was about 11 I had become friends with a lot of people in the older cabins. Me and one girl who was 16 got along particularly well. She told me how she was asexual and educated me on what it was. At the time sex wasn’t really something on my mind so I just filed that information away for later. Later when I was 15 I started dating someone for the first time. It was at this point when I remembered what that girl at sleepaway camp had told me about asexuality and I researched it more. Since during the relationship I just didn’t have any sexual attraction to the guy, though I did really like him in a romantic way. So for another 2 years I kept denying the fact I was asexual, just telling myself the “right” person would come along and I was just “picky”. Just trying to rationalize why I wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone. When I was 18 I finally came to terms with the fact that I AM asexual, panromantic if you want to get specific. And now 2 years later I’m perfectly content with my sexuality and I try to focus on platonic relationships rather than romantic ones. I know one day I’ll meet someone who is okay with my asexuality but until then I’m not sweating it.

Anyways my story is a bit all over the place but that’s a basic rundown on how I found out about asexuality and how I came to terms with the fact that I am asexual.

[Gretchen]

Well, my story is a little hard to hear at some parts and nothing special at other. I have known I was different all my life. I knew I was not like my sisters. I would watch them go on dates and kiss…yada yada…and my thought was always…ewe! I don’t want to do that. It gotten even more complicated when I turned sixteen. While away from home during Christmas break, I was brutally raped. (That would be the hard part…I’m sorry info made anybody uncomfortable….believe me it was hard to write, but it changed my life forever, and I had to write it just in case it could help anybody else who had a similar experience.) I can honestly tell you, if I wasn’t interested before and I was terrified after. Since then I Have tried to date, but it never works out. Forever, I thought I was just broken from my trauma, but as I healed and got older I knew something was different about me still. I often talked to my sister about being different, broken, and worst of all feeling nothing. I never heard of Asexual till four months ago. It was the light I was searching for! I suddenly knew I wasn’t alone! I wasn’t broken. And there is nothing wrong with me! I felt like when my sister meet her soulmate husband, or my uncle came out as gay. It was like I had finally found the right jigsaw piece to finish the puzzle that is my life. Those closest to me know and I’ve had mixed reactions! My family hugged me, asked lots of questions, and said I told you you weren’t different or broken. My friends have been varied. Some said that cool, or that makes since, or stuff like that. Others I get the typical. You will feel something when “mr. Right” comes, or my favorite…you are just in denial that you are gay! They don’t understand. So that’s me…I’m an Ace. And I’m so happy to have found this group of few Aces.

[Margot]

Hello!

Well, it all started in high school (year 8 or 9, when I was 14 years old) and I secretly thought I was bisexual, as I was attracted to boys and girls. I went through the rest of high school and a full two years of college thinking that was my sexual orientation, even though I was honestly kind of terrified and put off by the idea of actually having sex with anyone (it’s messy and time consuming and I now realize that I would much rather just cuddle and watch TV or read or do anything other than sex).

A few months back, I even came out to my mother (and I’m going to assume that my dad also knows) as bisexual, as I always assumed it fit me.

I’m 20 now and I’ve only just recently, after seeing other people online label themselves as asexual and looking it up for myself, discovered that my sexuality has been fluid and has changed to asexuality rather than bisexuality. I can’t remember when or from who the label first cropped up, but it clicked after a few days of deliberating is that…me? and that sounds like it fits… to that fits me best!

I can safely say that I’m comfortable with almost all my identity labels (gender and sexual orientation), and now all I have to do is figure out my romantic orientation.

[Ask]

Hi there, my story is a little more complicated as I have not always felt/been this way. I remember when I was at school I used to obsess over/flirt with girls the way that other guys would and have strong intimate thoughts. When I was about 19 I went through a rough time and was prescribed anti depressants which I used on and off for 4 or 5 years. After I stopped using them completely I was horrified to discover that after a long time my sex drive had not returned and this affected me in many ways, it undermined my ability to speak to girls as sexual attraction is necessary to be able to flirt etc as well as my confidence which horribly suffered. I had two relationships and both were bad in that respect and ultimately led to their downfall. I love the idea of being in a relationship but without the intimate stuff. I find now that whilst I am phsically capable of having sex I prefer not to and my attraction to women is emotional and aesthetically but not sexually. I was not familiar with the concept of asexuality until now and was so happy to find this site, to find others who think like me and hope that I will be accepted as I am this way not by nature but by unfortunate circumstances, best regards.

[Author]

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