Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Rachel]

I’d definitely say I’m heteroromantic as I’ve had some strong crushes on guys over the years, but the idea of sexual intercourse has never sounded like an appealing experience to me. I’d like to have a close male companion for cuddling and mutual support, but I don’t have much in the way of experience or self-confidence, especially when it comes to online dating.

[Anonymous]

I first heard the term asexual about 40 years ago. Me being me, I had to look up the word. And I wondered, ‘Is this me?’. I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to be like everyone else. When my marriage ended in 1982 I remember thinking that now I would find out what sex was. I had a few long term relationships and I still didn’t get it. So I thought maybe I was bisexual because I liked looking at women too. So I met a woman and we were together for several years. I still hadn’t figured it out. We broke up. I started googling asexuality and found this site. I had finally figured out that I was asexual when I came here. This site was a confirmation of that. I am bisexual too. I am not silent about who I am. If anyone wants to stop me in the street and question me about it I will talk to them. Asexuals have been quiet far too long. There have been gay bars for decades and yet there is no place for us to meet. It is a shame. There could be someone near me who is sitting all alone crying because they have no one and I could be just around the corner. Don’t be embarrassed by who you are. Be proud and embrace it. If you’re young, just know that you too will get old. Do you want to live your life like I did, chasing the dream of being sexual? It’s not the price. Be true to yourself. That’s always the best way.

[Ofer]

Hi Wanda,
Interesting life story. If i may ask, i have a question: where and how did you hear the term asexual 40 years ago? I mean, where was it known then?

[Misha Anastasia]

I noticed that I wasn’t like most people in high school when I realized that most of the people around me had crush after crush and I just didn’t. I didn’t kiss anyone or fantasize about anyone or have sex. I thought something was wrong with me.

It wasn’t until a college lecture when a slide on asexuality came up on the power point that I suddenly went “oh, there’s a word for me, I’m not broken.”

Dating in college and in my early twenties was rare and always ending in disaster. Every time I would go out with a guy (I didn’t know I was panromantic until much later, heteronormivity is a hell of a drug) I had the dilemma of do I tell them right away or wait? If I tell them upfront I might scare them off but if I don’t they might get mad and think I was leading them on.

I decided on telling them upfront. Either the guy would just vanish or they would say they just wanted to be friends. If they wanted to be friends everything would be fine for about three months and then they would get mad and start treating me horribly because they were actually just waiting around for me to “change my mind”.

I just shut down and didn’t date for many years.

I’m 29 now and have never been on a second date let alone been in a relationship.

I very much want a life partner and am very romantic so I’ve decided to put myself back out there. It’s been more of the same but I’m not going to give up.

I’m just tired of hearing “but that doesn’t make sense”, “how is that possible”, and just plain “no one is going to want to date you” every time I explain it to friends, family, and potential partners alike.

This is my first time talking to anyone else like me and I am VERY excited!

[Anonymous]

I’ve actually known the term Asexual for a long time now (probably since before high school), but for a long while I thought it only really applied to single-celled organisms and lizards (no offense). Even after discovering humans could be asexual though, I never really thought to classify myself as one because I had developed slight attractions to people in the past even though my sexual drive has always been extremely low to non-existent. After years of heartbreak and trying to force a square peg into a round hole, I’d sort of given up on dating- figuring it just wasn’t for me.

Loneliness eventually won out though and I sort of started seeking out ‘alternative’ dating sites which is how I found myself here. I’m hoping for something ‘low pressure’ starting out as friends and hopefully growing into something more over time. 🙂

[Veevie]

Hi I just joined this site (feel free to say hi!) and I thought this was the best place for me to start.

I believe I’ve been ace all my life but in the sexualised world we live in I assumed I hadn’t been doing something right. It wasn’t until last year when I started watching Bojack (I think most of you know where I’m going) when I discovered what asexuality was. I’ve been in five relationships and sex has always been the worst part for me. I would have sex because I have felt obliged or because I’m hoping for cuddles and affection after which I never did receive. I have been single for about 7 years now.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Veevie.

[Beth Ann]

I grew up in a community where nothing but straight heterosexuality was even considered, discussed or possible. The boys expected sex if you dated them. In fact, that seemed, at the time, to be the main reason they dated.

I have never had any sex drive at all but did enjoy sex play as an activity like any other you do for fun and without a ‘drive’ to engage. It was enjoyable to bring my partner such pleasure and to be a desired, talented, and versatile playmate partner. I understood their sex drive and it was fun to be the object of desire. I tried my whole life to feel that same level of enthusiasm for sex my partners had, but I have zero sex drive and despite my best efforts, just didn’t care about it beyond making them happy.

I had a naturally powerful, muscular body and my interests were far more ‘masculine’ then the females I knew, so I wondered if I was a lesbian who would not admit it to myself. I wondered that for decades, and finally decided I’m not confused on that point. It’s not a gender thing. I am happier by myself, alone, than with anyone of either sex who wants to force me into either sex acts or guilt that I am not constantly engaged in them.

Since I enjoyed making my partners happy with sex play, it was not a horrid aversion, categorically, that ended up turning me off. It was the fact that men I dated had to have sex each and every date. Without exception. I was married for a time and he had to have sex every night for his self-validation, or he would be angry and feel ‘ripped off’, and then I had to live with that tension. These dynamics took all the joy out of it for me because having sex every day is not my duty when I have no drive at all and partaking was a gift to my partner. Distorting the playful gift into a gloomy, mandatory tasking which I could not avoid ruined it for me. The divorce was the biggest blessing of my entire life. I have not sought another partner, but resolved to be independent and accept the price of loneliness because I did not know there was another path.

I never thought there were people out there who felt as I did. I have not met them, to my knowledge. I had not heard of them. I found this site while searching the internet for clues about what is wrong with me that I don’t want to copulate daily like everyone else: the disastrous flaw in me which has blocked closeness and affinity and enjoying a life partner.

I fear the beginnings of awakening may be late for people in my age bracket. So few here. I just joined this site and it seems those active here are young enlightened people of the generation after mine. Thank God there are options for the young ones, that they can live with genuineness, free of guilt-shame, and not force-fit themselves into false categories and life patterns which devalue their true selves. I wish you all the very best of happiness! Gratitude for the winds of change!

[Anonymous]

Hello!

I’m new 🙂 I discovered Asexuality a year ago, and the more I researched on it, the more I could relate. I’ve never had a sex drive. At all. But I wanted to get married and I wanted children. I was with my husband for 10 years, before the lack of intimacy caused him to walk out and leave me and the kids at the beginning of this year. As much as I loved him, sex was something I dreaded. But he has a high sex drive, and just… didnt understand me. I joined this group to hopefully find some like minded people. I will confess I feel very alone

[Beth Ann]

Hello anonymous! You are not alone. Be strong and hang in there. Tough times will pass. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Hi every
I sent many message to member but I never received any answer.
Is there something wrong with the website?

[Anonymous]

My name is Jodi. I have always been an ace but didn’t know there were sites for us. I’m looking for a relationship and companionship only.

[Rob]

Hi Jodi, welcome to the forum. Where are you based? Country and region should help narrow down your search for companionship.

[Esin]

@Misha
Can I just say, I’m EXACTLY the same?

It took a while to figure out I’m asexual, actually, because I have all these romantic ideas of wanting to be with someone, wanting a life partner and all.

[Jeremiah]

I never knew there was an asexual website group until yesterday. My sister was saying how I need to make some friends so I’m not always stuck in the house. I know we have COVID19, but still, I could use some more friends to talk with as I’m a huge social butterfly and often get lonely.

As far as being asexual, I think it’s just something you know. People around me would often talk about sex and it was just something that didn’t interest me. I know people will say, how do you know, you never tried it. However, just thinking about it doesn’t turn me on and people think that I’m crazy.

How things started out was people would talk about relationships and sex throughout my high school years and I just wasn’t interested in it. Then I was questioning my sexuality because I have often thought that the guys were good looking and if I felt that they looked attractive then I must be gay. Rather, I was envious how the good looking guy would always get the woman. Perhaps, I’ve been watching too many movies lol as relationships usually don’t end in happily ever after. Meanwhile, when I’ve gone out with a woman, like to Prom etc, somehow I have felt complete besides I biased believe that women are a lot nicer than men, at least in my experiences. I guess in many instances the opposite sex attracts. But the crazy thing is that I don’t want to have sex even though I’ve had people tell me that it’s the most beautiful thing to have. It’s just something that doesn’t turn me on.

Overall, I didn’t even know asexuality was a term until I was in college. I continued to question my sexuality in college but I told a close friend of mine online that I’m not interested in having sex. Then he came and told me that the term is called asexual. Well apparently I’m not crazy after all or out of this world for not liking something that the majority of people seem to like.

Perhaps, I’ll put some of my asexuality blame for being Autistic on the High Functioning Autism. I’m someone that doesn’t feel comfortable if I get too close to someone. When someone tries to hug me, it just doesn’t feel natural for me. I often lack the feelings and emotions towards people. But I am looking for some forever friends as I consider myself to be a social butterfly and if it lands me into a relationship great. If not, friends are there to hopefully last a long time.

In the past when I have fallen in love with someone, I’m interested for a couple of months, but then I am scared to make a commitment because I’m constantly worried if I’m going to break her heart. Perhaps, I worry too much, but I do have quite a bit of anxiety. But I would like my forever soulmate. Someone to confide in. Someone to travel the world with. If we aren’t in a relationship, I would at least like to have a couple of best friends.

[Javi]

I’ve never very interested in the sexual aspect of relationships. It seems like a hassle to me. I mean, I know it is there but I can live without it easily. I have dated some guys before, but they usually got bored. They believe that my lack of sexual drive was a sign of a lack of interest. The truth is that I really wanted to know these guys in a platonic way. I wanted to share their dreams and fears and enjoy our time together but nothing else was really appealing to me.

I discovered asexuality a few years ago in a magazine. When I read it, all clicked. I haven’t come out to my family but they kind of know I don’t care about dating in a conventional way. Some more conservative relatives think I am lesbian tho. I guess that not having a boyfriend means I like girls by default? lol

I would say I am heteroromantic but never met someone to explore that with. All my relationships have had some sort of an expiration date before telling the guy: “you know? if we cuddle the rest of our lives I would be totally ok”.

I am here to make some connections with people like me. Let’s see what happens

[SilentWolf]

I’ve never physically been interested in sexual intercourse.
When I was with my ex I was always trying to avoid it, just didn’t want it.
I didn’t even think about it before I went into the relationship, I was just enjoying the walks to the park, the share of interests.
So I broke the relationship off with them when it felt like a problem, there where a bunch of other issues with me, but it added to me feeling like a burden. People weren’t happy with what I did, I wasn’t to.

I don’t claim to be anything, just me, but I think Asexual individuals would be a better fit for myself.

What’s important to me moving forward is finding someone who naturally doesn’t expect things from me based on standard society.

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by SilentWolf.

[Fiona]

I’ve recently discovered the orientations of demisexual and sapiosexual, and for the first time ever I realized that I’m not broken. If I have an emotional and intellectual connection with someone, physical attraction often follows. I’ve never cared much about appearance, and I’ve never really had crushes on celebrities or people I didn’t know well. Sexual intimacy is something I could honestly take or leave, and it definitely takes a back seat to other forms of intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Hello all! Feels good to see some likeminded people in here. It took me a while to truly understand myself. I went through a sexual phase in my teens/early 20s because I was curious, but this curiosity turned into dissatisfaction. The buildup to sex was never worth the outcome; it either bored me or made me feel shameful. I remember thinking to myself, “What am I doing here? I don’t even enjoy this”. Then one day it clicked to me that I could just stop having sex lol. There is so much more to life than what sex can bring, and I’ve never been happier. Sometimes I do fantasize and get urges though, but I stopped acting on them because for me, it’s never worth it

[Peridot Flare]

My personal story and ID gets mighty scattered.

I’m Neutrois,
indeterminately attracted,
yet Ace,
yet Aro and Apothisexual.

That’s a way of saying I’m a sex and gender pain in the ass. Apothisexual and Neutrois are my main constants. Those are predictable.

I’m partly surgically altered (due to cancer), but not finished. It’s still on my 5-year plan, but it’s been in my 5-year plan since 1990. Bleh.

I knew about the gender thing since before middle school.

The sexual ID didn’t get a name until I was 21-ish and involved with our campus GLBT action group. Prior to being ID’d I was accused of leading people on and refusing to close the deal with naked time. I still refuse. I’m down for Netflix and lifelong friendlationship. I know it’s out there for an Aro Ace baked in a Neutrois crust.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is kind of weird/new for me, but here goes….

I’m looking for a relationship that is not sexual, but romantic. Due to health-related issues ( nothing life threatening – thank goodness lol), I’ve lost all interest in being physically intimate. But…my interest in it before had already been declining. I’m verbally affectionate, witty (At least I think so lol) and loyal individual.
I’m fine with friendships, as well 🙂

[Author]

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