November 7, 2014 at 3:20 pm #3793
Here is a topic where we can share our personal story.
How and when you discovered about asexuality ? How it affected your life ? The good things and bad things ?
Everyone is welcome to share his story…
November 8, 2014 at 8:06 pm #3858
- This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by admin.
Well, I discovered the term “asexual” two years ago, but I suspected to be an ace since age 13. I never got that interested in sex, even I fell in love a couple of time in my life and worried more about emotions than physical process to achieve a relationship. Both ended in dissapointments, the first so was heart-breaking I’ve never been the same person.
I had a self-sexual period when I was a teenagers,
I tried to find an answer on the net in special websites about sex and porn when I was a teenager, to check out if I was weird, I also had a self-sexual period, thanks to the hormones revolution, but nothing else after that. However, it helped me to learn and not being defenceless if this topic is ever mentioned, I even pull out all my modesty when talking about it.
Two years ago, I found a blog where asexuality was mentioned, but it was 6 months ago when I discovered AVEN, read about asexuality and felt identified. How ironic that blog was about anti-sex.November 16, 2014 at 12:03 am #3966
I discovered asexuality a few years ago but ever since recent awareness has been kicking up I started to truly understand it and identify with it. I was under the impress that I had to have sex to make a romantic relationship successful so I would force myself to have it. That was hectic on me as well as my past partners. Even though I felt the pressure of society to have it to be happy, I thought if they didn’t have sex with me I was doing something wrong. As the years went by and learn more at it the pressure of living up to a lie had died and I felt more comfortable in my pursuit for romantic relationships.November 16, 2014 at 12:51 am #3967
I have other issues so asexuality was just something else to find ways to disguise. I am also partially transmale, androgyne, and gender fluid, and adding the panromantic and demisexual labels is recent. I used to joke I was “monosexual” and found it was easier to hang onto a bad relationship than to go through the trouble of getting another one. When my parents passed on I decided I no longer had to be in a relationship to prove myself normal, so have been single for the past four years while teaching in Thailand.
I can only imagine sex if it’s with my last “ex” and I suspect an underlying reason for moving to Thailand, at least subconsciously, was to make sure I didn’t feel pressure to date someone new just to appear “normal.”
Yet I’m lonely and won’t stop missing my “ex” so I realize I’ll probably have to go through the year-plus close friendship I seem to require to ever feel sexual attraction for anyone.
My feeling of revulsion is so strong it takes a real “stealth male” to insinuate himself into my life as a “friend.”
I’m panromantic, and probably pansexual if a female or other gender type were to be persistent enough to keep pursuing me. Until now, only the most macho of males have had enough testosterone to ignore constant rejection until they become close friends with me by joining me in my extreme activities-doing bird photography in swamps and on mountains, camping in remote areas, doing jitterbug/ballroom dancing, traveling, jamming with other musicians, being into health food, comedy, physics, and astronomy. He almost has to be obsessive and hyperactive to enjoy being around me.
Most/all women I’ve met before think my interests are GROSS and mostly seem to want to shop, eat at restaurants, drink, chase men, and have their nails done, which seems like a crushing bore to me so, if invited to come along, I usually find excuses to disappear.
The typical USA male seems to only want beer, burgers, sex, watching sports from the couch, so don’t much interest me either. OK, I do like to watch sports, but not enough to lay on the couch all day, unless reading a book with a Kindle app.November 22, 2014 at 6:59 pm #4005
I discover the term and the “asexual world” some months ago. I was listening a lot to the Smiths and could perfectly relate with some of their lyrics, which perfectly described some of my feelings about life and love. So I’ve started to read more about The Smiths and Morrisey and found somewhere the word asexual for the first time. It instantly caught my eye. Then I discovered AVEN and when I started to read, it was like someone was telling me the story of my life.
As a teen, I really did not gather what was going on with all my friends going crazy about boys, I thought maybe it will come a little later to me, but it never did. I’ve started a couple of relationships later which very quickly went wrong as I was not ready for physical engagement, although by the time I could not really explain or understand why. I’ve also been platonically in love. It was strange, beautiful and painful. Didn’t go well either.
For me it was a relieve to be able to put a name to something I sometimes felt like a problem. Since then, it’s not a problem any more. It’s just me and I am ready for it.November 27, 2014 at 5:58 am #4016
I am 30 years old and despite many interactions with women via dating, I am extremely novice in bed. Like rookie novice! I look back at see many possible reasons why but perhaps its just how I am wired? I have done looking, searching, studying and now here I am on this site….
I have had sex 3 times in my entire life with the same partner of which I must say was not the most memorable experience. I was nervous as hell, scared, anxious etc…..(I was 28 btw) for a a guy who is very confident in every other area of life it was and is very odd for me to still have this domain of life that I fear, worry about and have little experience with.
I am still active in the dating game with 1 women right now via dinner, coffee, lunch, movies etc……its been 4 weeks and only time will eventually lead to intimate expectations and I DO NOT want to go bailing myself out of a fearful, embarrassing, self effacing situation by just letting the relationship fizzle…..again….I have done this four times in the past 4 years with women I really really liked but could not bare to admit such inefficiencies, vulnerabilities or insecurities to.
At 30 years old and now being at the point where going stag is getting REALLY old……I am ready to try and find genuine depth in a relationship but with this ever growing/lasting fear, awareness to my own sexual novelty….deficient sexual experience, lack of desire for intercourse…etc……I am fearful that I am not going to make progress with my current relationship either (she does not no of my limited experience or my “possible” asexual stance)
What’s really odd is that I do not feel sexually deprived either? Perhaps its the issue of not knowing what I am missing that makes it seem so easy to go years and years (its been 2 years now….without sex and not missing it.
I can instinctively ID attractive women easily, I am aroused and turned on by them like any other guy but the allure of sexual intercourse does not tempt me. I have considered asexual orientation heavily recently. But again, perhaps its only suppressed due to the negative emotional experiences I have had with sex in the past? I had my hormone levels checked at last check up, all clean so nothing organically off either.
Other then seeing and paying a damn PsyD to explain my childhood, my parents, my dreams etc……which likely wont do jack…….where else can I find help or means to overcome this issue of mine? Do I bring it up to the women I am dating (or does that put up red flags and bite me in the ass anyway?)
Do I try and find women of asexual orientation as well (If I am even truly asexual at all). I feel like a tease on dating sites being a fitness model guy who doesnot want to progress to sex.
Thoughts?November 27, 2014 at 6:34 am #4017
Ha, ha..you sound like a “dream man” to us. Who wouldn’t like a man to take us out to fun places and never put pressure on us for sex? Sounds PERFECT.
For most normal, straight women friends I know also, who seem to only “put out” to be able to also get the benefits of dates, cuddling.
Since I have both female and male hormone mapping in my brain, the two genders tend to cancel each other out. I also am attracted initially to any gender or gender blend, but before I can imagine anything sexual, I feel revulsion. But I’m demisexual. After a year or more of close association with someone I can finally start to feel sexual attraction.
If that’s your case, you might get away with it. Just say that you decided to avoid premarital sex, and that should take away any performance expectations (it works for me, at any rate). If/when your libido kicks in you can move forward with the relationship, but if it never happens you can say it’s “not working for me” and you want to just be friends.
I think most women would settle for a long foot rub and some snuggling anyway. Sounds good to ME!November 29, 2014 at 2:21 am #4027
Its odd for me yet as I explore what being asexual may or may not be for me. Only in the past year tops have I really began to think about “whats up” with my aversion to intercourse. And yet I have strong desires/libido for sexual contact and intimacy with attractive women?
Arousal toward women (men not at all) is all there but the thought of sex either due to organic reason of how my mind is wired or the very limited and negative experiences I do have with sex seems to turn me off to the idea completely. At least for now.
Part of me wants to at least try and see if more exposure to enjoyable sex encounters would open me up to sex being pleasurable and desirable…? Getting over the HUGE hump to do so will take some work on my end however.
Appreciate your comments of being a “dream guy” but I am sure its more than just wining and dining women that leads to genuinely bonded relationships even beyond sex. I would hope intelligence, candor, maturity, sensitivity, humor, confidence etc…..would truly real in a women over just sex. It kills me to think that women feel a “must put out” to compete with courting men these days. And we wonder why 50% of relationships go south!?November 29, 2014 at 7:15 am #4029
Sounds like you put value on what women also value in relationships (I think). I can’t actually speak for most women since I’m partially transmale. It’s what I value anyway. Since I’m asexual there’s no libido pressure to grab the nearest willing person but I also want to find someone who matches me as much as possible, for companionship and perhaps more later on. I’m not a typical female so I’m not for most straight men, but this is a big world, so someone out there must be right for me.
In my (limited) experience, most straight males are seeking 1. sex 2. food 3. someone to run their affairs and organize their lives…but they want as young and pretty a female as they can afford. Usually the taller, bustier and blonder the better also. Intelligence, humor, education and ambition are actually considered threatening liabilities.
If I wanted to make an annoying male disappear, usually all I had to do was to say something intelligent.November 30, 2014 at 9:08 pm #4031
Years ago, at school, classmates were talking about how many boys they kissed, making lists etc. They kept asking me about my experiences and the truth was, I didn’t have any. But I had no interest in ever kissing or having sex either.
In fact, when I signed up for a dating site, the thought of “having to have” sex never crossed my mind. I was in a relationship with a sexual man for three years, unfortunately we couldn’t make it work in the end. I had sex for him, but everytime I didn’t feel like it, I had a sense of guilt. And I just couldn’t handle feeling like that anymore. Now we are just friends. He deserves someone who can make him happy in that department as well.
Now I have become more active on the Dutch aven forum, and I decided never to date sexual people again. Now I just have to find the right person for me 🙂 But it’s hard!December 1, 2014 at 12:50 am #4035
Just because you join a dating forum doesn’t mean you have to have sex or settle for whoever decides to contact you.
Years ago I posted a profile in match.com just to keep my relatives off my back about being single, but said I didn’t believe in casual sex, and then listed impossible demands for my preferred match..
Masters degree, grew up with horses, lived abroad, divorced with two grown children (like me), loves to travel, into health food, a charismatic Christian, a musician, wouldn’t mind moving to South America if I wanted, reads classic literature, loves comedy, lean and fit, not taller than 6′ 1,” etc.
I also thought, but didn’t say, that I wanted to date someone in the airline industry so I could fly for free.
I posted the ad, smiling to myself, knowing that nobody would respond, but I got a reply before I even thought there was time for that, from a gorgeous ex-Navy, airline pilot currently a flight instructor.
He had grown up with horses, had a Masters in engineering, had helped design the B-2 bomber, played trumpet, had been based in the Middle East for years as a Navy command pilot in charge of searching for submarines, is exactly 6′ 1,” a vegan, could climb a 40 foot rope hand over hand, likes rock climbing, had read many of the classics just for fun, divorced with two grown children-boy and girl like I have, charismatic Christian and doesn’t believe in premarital sex either.
I was shocked that my bluff had been called but finally agreed to meet him.
It took a year of his joining me on strenuous bird photography trips up the sides of cliffs, flying around the US (for free) to go camping in the Rocky Mountains, etc before I could allow him to touch me, and 1 1/2 years later I finally agreed to marry him, on an island surround by wild birds.
We lived an ideal life, traveling the world, camel trekking in the Outback, camping in Tasmania, etc. He gave me 2 hr foot rubs every night, he was amazing once we started making love since he was bisexual and knew how to switch gender roles, wear costumes, and have fun, just like I love it. We started and ran a small company together. We jammed on trumpet and keyboard, even played small gigs. He bought me two Walking Horses for Christmas and we broke them together and went driving and/or riding every day year around.
But I eventually left him to move to Thailand when he became jealous and controlling over a new government job..it was frightening that someone would try to sabotage me.
I suppose the lesson I learned is that
1. the universe will bring you anything you can imagine
2. You might not want it when you get it.
3. your subconscious beliefs happen the same way your conscious wishes do. If you think things won’t work out, they won’t. If you fear something it will happen as well.December 3, 2014 at 3:12 am #4045
I discovered I was likely asexual during my freshman year of college (only 2-3 years ago). I had come across the term online when noticing that some people identified as asexual and I looked it up out of curiosity and found out that the term described me pretty well! I can still remember back when I was going into high school and all my friends were talking about losing their virginity and I was confused as to why they were so excited. I mean, it’s obviously a pretty important time in your life if your not ace, but it wasn’t something that ever appealed to me and actually made me kind of squeamish to think about since I was too afraid to even use a tampon (and still am!), let alone the thought of anything bigger than that! It was just kind of an overwhelming thought at the time and I even avoided dating anyone at the time because of the dread that they would eventually want that. I thought maybe I was just a late bloomer and eventually it would be something I wanted, but once I hit college I figured that maybe I was just weird. So I was happy to finally find an identity that I felt comfortable with.January 3, 2015 at 5:02 am #4169
My story is pretty boring, other Ace’s on other sites have labeled me the “Gold standard” but no matter what our stories are our own to tell.
It was junior high that I realized that something seemed “off” for lack of better words. I was far from educated on the subject of differing sexuality but I never discriminated between human beings. I just never had a desire to be intimate with someone when all of the other girls were popping out boobs and sexual drives. When I got older I went into relationships for the sake of them to blend in with everyone else, “I’m not normal, I’m not normal” became my normal rhetoric and I never knew why sex/sexual behavior repulsed me so much. I never wanted to be intimate sexually with any of my partners…it nearly made my skin curl.
So it became “I must be broken… but I can never tell anyone this.” Sex never felt good, and the excuse “it’s your partner or you’re just not comfortable with each other” never sat well with me… it was NOT my partner and I had been comfortable (comfortable with their being – not the act of sex).
I gave up after that, how could I explain to someone (esp my partner) that sex didn’t feel good? That it did absolutely nothing for me but if it made them happy, I was happy. I tried once, it was a blow to their less than understanding ego. How often do people really believe the “It’s not you, it’s me” line? Story of my life in that sentence. I didn’t discover Asexuality until very recently in fact… back in Com. College I went through the LGBT awareness phase & tried to find myself. Ended up convincing myself that I was “Pansexual” ..rolled with that term but it still contained “sexual/sexuality” and I still was repulsed by the act. It’s surprising now to think that Asexuality didn’t come up then, not in the courses I took and not from the LGBT community.
When I did discover it about a year ago it was like a light had flicked on. “Ah hah” there is a word for what I am….and there are others like me… I was so happy. I wanted to jump right in… but the Ace community is very complex and even now it’s harrowing to speak freely since there are many varieties of Ace’s. I was negatively attacked a lot by asking questions (to learn more) from various Ace communities & avoided connecting with others for a long while. I hadn’t realized such hostility rang clear when I thought we were to rejoice that we weren’t alone…
I really want to connect with other Ace’s and find a partner,friend, soulmate… someone who understands and mutually supports my identity. I’ve never been one for labels but after filtering so many of them, I’ve found my niche, “Pan-romantic Ace” …and I am proud to say that I am comfortable with myself now. That I am in fact… not broken.January 7, 2015 at 9:54 pm #4185
Funnily enough, it was only recently I discovered asexuality whilst watching a Netflix documentary!
I’ve always been disinterested by certain types of intimacy. I’d spent a great deal of my life convinced there was something wrong with me. So as you do when you’re young, you bottle it up and ignore it. Whilst in relationships I adored the emotional connection, but the way people started to expect sex really frightened me. I’d panic, to the point where I felt I couldn’t trust a partner kissing me as I knew they’d inevitably want more.
After a lot of struggle, and meeting others like me I suddenly felt a sense of connection to myself which I’d never before experienced. I guess you could call it a sense of self connection. Figuring myself out has really brought a whole new level of self respect, whereas before I’d give in to make partners happy and stay. Whereas now I can stand on my own two feet bravely.
I’m still not sure where exactly I lay on the asexual spectrum, but this discovery is definitely a start and I’m on my way to a much happier life.January 16, 2015 at 5:08 pm #4197
I just found out the term a few days ago after looking up my “condition” online. I’ve always joked that I’ll end up becoming a 40 year old virgin, and it most certainly may come true. I knew since college that I was different from my peers since I still thought the notion of sexual intercourse being a bit gross. I found the genitals of a man and woman touching and the exchange of fluids to be ew from an early age and just never outgrew it.
I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way and thought for a brief period that I might be a lesbian or maybe just a late bloomer. However, I know for sure that I’m definitely not attracted to women and am to men. So I’m definitely heterosexual and into kissing and cuddling but am still disgusted by sex. I find it impure and invasive. This may change or I may give in to the guy if I fall in love, but since I haven’t experienced true love yet, this remains to be seen.January 17, 2015 at 9:43 pm #4203
I’m brand new here and not sure yet whether this is the place for me. I’ve been wondering about asexuality for a while. I’ve had a 20-year marriage and some considerate lovers, but nothing (aside from kissing, being close, and conversation) ever did anything for me. Sex was 0 but a chore. A lot of men were confident that “you just need the right guy,” but that never went anywhere. I absolutely love emotional and physical intimacy, but sex acts themselves just do nothing for me. I just wait for them to be over. I still have the impulse toward finding a deep and monogamous relationship but honestly, unless Magic Man appears (or I spontaneously transform to Magic Woman), I’d be just as happy to self-satisfy and enjoy each other in other ways. It would be nice to have less pressure, and to find someone (as well as friends) who enjoy conversation and doing things together.
In other ways, I fit in just fine. I’m very close to my two grown children, and I enjoy my job(s). I get along with people and don’t have unusual difficulties socially. I also enjoy solitude. But need more friends at the moment! I’m interested to meet people and see what this is all about.February 6, 2015 at 8:36 pm #4254
It’s a long story…then again, who’s isn’t I guess. 😉 This’ll be a little choppy.
I’ve always been a ‘tom-boy’. However, coming from a conservative family I wasn’t allowed to be friends with boys as much as I naturally would have been. My mother explained that staying away from boys would be best as ‘things would change when I got older.’ Right there, is where these feelings began I believe. The thought that there could be something that would change the pure, happy relationships I had with others, was something that I had a hard time accepting. Whatever that thing was, I knew I truly hated it.
As an observant child, I figured out about mating at the age of 9 by noticing the behavior of animals and thinking about things logically. I was ok with this though, only for the mere fact that I believed that people were far different from animals in this realm; and, my mother had convinced me (unintentionally) that humans in this day and age were advanced to the point where primitive mating was replaced by medical proceedures.. 😛
This belief persisted within me until age 14, though friends tried to get me to see reality, I just never fully believed them until I came across a package of contraceptives in my mother’s lingerie drawer. I was shocked, hurt, disgusted, and understandably I just couldn’t see things the same way. And, it was really at that point that I realized I was asexual. The thing I didn’t know was that it was a thing and that there were others like me, even though I called myself asexual in my mind.
And of course, I think it goes without saying I’ve been subtly tortured throught the years by the vast difference between my feelings and sexual reality in which we live… Everyone has an easier time with this aspect of life than us. 😉 I’ve come to a point where I can accept mating for the sake of procreation; though as a person that not only doesn’t want to have children, but fears pregnancy, I am pretty close to sure that I’ll never partake in it. The contempt I have for the activity far supercedes any physical satisfaction it could bring, and thus I am where I am – longing to find someone that can accept myself, but not all that hopeful. Still feels good to get it out there though. 🙂February 6, 2015 at 11:54 pm #4259
I’ve known since a young age that I was slightly different from the people around me. It was when I was in middle school that I noticed I wasn’t into boys like my peers were. They were already getting into sexual things and I still felt like this innocent child that still watched cartoons and only cared about video games and toys.
Eventually I started to feel like something was wrong with me. One friend even pointed out in a rude way how she thought I was a lesbian because I never dated. Mind you we were 14/15 at the time. I had not time nor interest in boys or dating. I just wanted to be a kid. I had no idea what sexual urges/attraction felt like.
I attempted to date the local boys here and there, but soon broke it off at soon as it started. I was pressured by my peers but deep down I knew I just didn’t get it.
A couple years after I graduated highschool, I went to this hippie santurary place where I thought I would meet like minded people in the spitural/pagan community. I soon found out it was just full of druggies and people looking to screw in the woods. I even went out of my comfort zone and let someone touch me in certain ways. Afterwards I felt good, as if I had accomplished something, but part of me also felt very disgusted, confused, and guilty.
I let something like this again happened yet I went even further out of my comfort zone and performed oral on some guy I barley knew. Something I thought I would NEVER do and I did it hoping I would feel what everyone in the world is so obsessed with. But yet again, I felt confused, disgusting, sick and guilty.
Finally in 2012 I discovered AVEN.org and all my questions and worries were answered. At first I was so worried I was asexual, as if it was a bad things. But the more I read people’s stories, the more people said “it’s ok to be ace” the more I started to feel ok with it. Now, I am completely ok with it. I have found that piece of myself I was so confused with and now I can apply it to my life. Now I know I can say no, I can no date, or date and not have to have sex just because it’s what’s expected. Now I know I can form meaningful relationships with people and I don’t have to be anxious about what’s physically expected of me.
Even the way I view others and myself have changed for the better. It’s like finding out that small part of me helped me evolve into a better version of myself. I’m still growing as I go along, but now I don’t put guilt on myself over something like sexual orientation. Now, I have people to finally relate to.February 15, 2015 at 12:13 am #4293
For a long time I wasn’t sure if I really belonged in the ace community as such, because I’ve always wanted that bond of being in a romantic relationship, experiencing the closeness of holding somebody’s hand, to cuddle and kiss, so I spent several years identifying publicly as ‘bisexual’ for the sake of simplicity- ignoring the fact that the prospect of deeper intimacy struck a deeply uncomfortable chord within me. I’ve always had a feeling of general disgust at the mechanics of intercourse, not to mention the prospect of ever becoming pregnant terrifies me. I think these feelings have always been with me, I can’t pin them down to a starting event.
I thought that maybe I would come to desire sex as I matured, and especially since starting university, but on the contrary I’ve always been hyper-aware and uncomfortable when approached at bars or events, knowing the person was only seeking a quick encounter for the night. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with people, but any connection we had was always overshadowed by these looming expectations that I knew in my heart I couldn’t live up to.
Then I began to research asexuality, and swung back and forth for a long time on how to identify myself considering I still want that romantic connection; knowing that there are many asexual people here who feel the same way is such a relief. ‘Panromantic’ fits me a lot better than ‘bisexual’ 🙂February 28, 2015 at 2:39 pm #4411
I am very happy to have found this site. I am a 54 year old woman who has been married three times and have had a number of boyfriends in between. All my life, I have never really enjoyed sex. There were moments, but it has always been difficult. Now at my age, having gone through “the change”, it has been even more challenging. I think of myself as a loving, caring person, and cuddling with someone after a long talk about, about whatever, is very satisfying for me. Unfortunately, most dating sites…you show the tiniest bit of interest, and next thing you know, these guys want sexting, exchanging pics. Immediate turn-off. I want to explore the intellectual side of someone. Their sense of humor. Very rare. Anyways…thank you again for your site. Very refreshing!
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