May 10, 2020 at 6:27 am #31776
My story is a difficult one. Growing up, I survived a ton of negative stuff. As I got older, I never really thought much about sex, except to be annoyed by how frequently it seemed to factor into things. I began to wonder why other people got so excited about sex and treated it as a big deal, when in my mind sex basically existed for baby-making. I did my first 2 years of college in a community college, and I stumbled across the concept of asexuality when researching a paper for a communication class. It made sense, but for awhile doubted that I was asexual because I wondered if my experiences were just the results of childhood trauma, and I didn’t want to confuse my sexual orientation with the aftereffects of that. Then, when I finished college at ASU and as the trauma symptoms began to resolve through therapy, I figured out that I truly am a heteroromantic asexual and decided to embrace that as my sexual orientation. I still am not yet “out of the closet” with friends and family on this (which is why I use a pen name whenever I write on this subject), but I’ve come to embrace the reality that the most fulfilling relationship for me will be with another asexual, as it wouldn’t be easy to relate to or understand a sexual person. And the older I get, the more I’m hoping to find that!May 10, 2020 at 7:14 am #31778
I think I first realized I was different from my friends around middle school. Everyone I knew was interested in sexual experiences and I just wasn’t. It wasn’t that I was repulsed, I just didn’t really care what it felt like. I continued to high school and had my first kiss (ugh) and my first and only boyfriend so far. We dated for a month or so and he was much more sexually driven than me, which made it hard to be around him. He wanted to try things and I just wasn’t interested.
I struggle with depression and anxiety to this day, and I remember thinking it was something to do with that.
I have had sex, but it was at the other person’s request and I didn’t really enjoy it. He was having the time of his life and I was just kind of laying there thinking about what I wanted to get for dinner on the way home.
I had heard the word asexuality in the past, but I only really looked into this past year or so. I don’t think I can be certain I’m asexual, but I think that it’s the closest word I’ve found to describe how I’ve always felt.
Today, I don’t really date. I’ve never really found a way to do it without the pressure of sex coming into play, and I’ve always been pretty introverted, so it’s hard putting myself out there in general. I thought this site would be a good way to start.May 10, 2020 at 7:19 am #31779
It’s interesting to hear you talk about the result of trauma impacting your thoughts on asexuality because it’s also something I struggled with growing up. Around middle school, I was the victim of sexual abuse and I’ve always sort of wondered if I would have been a different person if it hadn’t happened. I don’t really remember a lot of what my mentality around sex was before that, so I don’t think I’ll ever really know.
Thank you for writing, it was interesting. I hope you find what you were looking for.May 10, 2020 at 4:26 pm #31783
Hello, I’m wondering is it acceptable to ask how you identify? I’m female ace but still desire romance and friendship with ace makes. I’m new to all of this at 60!years old, so forgive my naïveté!May 10, 2020 at 6:46 pm #31785
Yep, anything new can be weird, but also fun. I’ve had some good luck with this site and asexualcupid. Also even okcupid – they have an “asexual” box to check and search by. You’ll be able to craft a profile that maintains your anonymity yet gives prospects some idea of your details that they’ll need to be prompted to make contact. Happy hunting.May 11, 2020 at 1:27 pm #31786
The same thing happened to me, though for more serious health reasons. I’d love to talk more with you. 🙂
May 13, 2020 at 2:54 pm #31788
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by Erin.
I feel like I had figured it out pretty early on. I was around thirteen or fourteen, and it had just hit me like a sledgehammer out of nowhere. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at the time, and she had brought up her crush. I can’t remember what led up to it, but she had spoken of wanting to get physical with him. Me, a ding bat finally got a clue and was like, “Wait… you mean, you actually want to have sex with him???” My friend, bless her sweet heart was very understanding as well as patient with my, admittedly, invasive questions. “What do you mean you feel tingles down there when you see him??” Looking back and knowing now the later experiences I would have with people finding out I was asexual, I was very fortunate for her to be the first person I really came out to.
After learning that maybe my perspective on this whole relationship thing might not be quite matching up with everyone else’s, I started doing a lot research eventually learning about asexuality.
It was definitely eye opening. Understanding that people actually wanted to have sex with strangers, that people weren’t speaking figuratively, that the exaggerated notion of sex everywhere, wasn’t actually exaggerated. It was bittersweet. Suddenly so much made sense, but one the other hand, I also realized that there was this whole world of things that people just got intuitively. It was a really bitter taste for teenage me to realize that I didn’t just have a problem understanding social cues, but apparently sexual cues as well. But, having a word for it, and realizing that there were other people like me, and that on the off chance, I was approached, I would have a way of explaining myself, it was nice.May 17, 2020 at 5:49 pm #31802
thanks for sharing your experience. Mine is similar in that my awareness of sexuality was limited and feeling “different” upon discovering how widespread such behavior was (though publicly taboo). I think that such “differentness” feelings and thoughts have looped in my CNS. AS far as my own self analysis, I think that though my feelings of shame originated as a social experience, it has become what might be called a mental habit. Disinterest is the result.May 18, 2020 at 5:24 am #31803
Why hello there! I work/worked 2 jobs until this covid… One is full time 5 days a week and the other was part time 3 days a week… A very friendly person who laughs at almost everything… When you try to scar me I don’t usually get scared but if you don’t try to scar me and I turn around… Well that… Is when I have a heart attack 🤣
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