Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Connor Baldwin]

My story is a difficult one. Growing up, I survived a ton of negative stuff. As I got older, I never really thought much about sex, except to be annoyed by how frequently it seemed to factor into things. I began to wonder why other people got so excited about sex and treated it as a big deal, when in my mind sex basically existed for baby-making. I did my first 2 years of college in a community college, and I stumbled across the concept of asexuality when researching a paper for a communication class. It made sense, but for awhile doubted that I was asexual because I wondered if my experiences were just the results of childhood trauma, and I didn’t want to confuse my sexual orientation with the aftereffects of that. Then, when I finished college at ASU and as the trauma symptoms began to resolve through therapy, I figured out that I truly am a heteroromantic asexual and decided to embrace that as my sexual orientation. I still am not yet “out of the closet” with friends and family on this (which is why I use a pen name whenever I write on this subject), but I’ve come to embrace the reality that the most fulfilling relationship for me will be with another asexual, as it wouldn’t be easy to relate to or understand a sexual person. And the older I get, the more I’m hoping to find that!

[Abby]

I think I first realized I was different from my friends around middle school. Everyone I knew was interested in sexual experiences and I just wasn’t. It wasn’t that I was repulsed, I just didn’t really care what it felt like. I continued to high school and had my first kiss (ugh) and my first and only boyfriend so far. We dated for a month or so and he was much more sexually driven than me, which made it hard to be around him. He wanted to try things and I just wasn’t interested.

I struggle with depression and anxiety to this day, and I remember thinking it was something to do with that.

I have had sex, but it was at the other person’s request and I didn’t really enjoy it. He was having the time of his life and I was just kind of laying there thinking about what I wanted to get for dinner on the way home.

I had heard the word asexuality in the past, but I only really looked into this past year or so. I don’t think I can be certain I’m asexual, but I think that it’s the closest word I’ve found to describe how I’ve always felt.

Today, I don’t really date. I’ve never really found a way to do it without the pressure of sex coming into play, and I’ve always been pretty introverted, so it’s hard putting myself out there in general. I thought this site would be a good way to start.

[Abby]

It’s interesting to hear you talk about the result of trauma impacting your thoughts on asexuality because it’s also something I struggled with growing up. Around middle school, I was the victim of sexual abuse and I’ve always sort of wondered if I would have been a different person if it hadn’t happened. I don’t really remember a lot of what my mentality around sex was before that, so I don’t think I’ll ever really know.

Thank you for writing, it was interesting. I hope you find what you were looking for.

[Jody]

Hello, I’m wondering is it acceptable to ask how you identify? I’m female ace but still desire romance and friendship with ace makes. I’m new to all of this at 60!years old, so forgive my naïveté!

[Jon]

Yep, anything new can be weird, but also fun. I’ve had some good luck with this site and asexualcupid. Also even okcupid – they have an “asexual” box to check and search by. You’ll be able to craft a profile that maintains your anonymity yet gives prospects some idea of your details that they’ll need to be prompted to make contact. Happy hunting.

[Erin]

The same thing happened to me, though for more serious health reasons. I’d love to talk more with you. 🙂

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Erin.

[Sydney]

I feel like I had figured it out pretty early on. I was around thirteen or fourteen, and it had just hit me like a sledgehammer out of nowhere. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine at the time, and she had brought up her crush. I can’t remember what led up to it, but she had spoken of wanting to get physical with him. Me, a ding bat finally got a clue and was like, “Wait… you mean, you actually want to have sex with him???” My friend, bless her sweet heart was very understanding as well as patient with my, admittedly, invasive questions. “What do you mean you feel tingles down there when you see him??” Looking back and knowing now the later experiences I would have with people finding out I was asexual, I was very fortunate for her to be the first person I really came out to.

After learning that maybe my perspective on this whole relationship thing might not be quite matching up with everyone else’s, I started doing a lot research eventually learning about asexuality.

It was definitely eye opening. Understanding that people actually wanted to have sex with strangers, that people weren’t speaking figuratively, that the exaggerated notion of sex everywhere, wasn’t actually exaggerated. It was bittersweet. Suddenly so much made sense, but one the other hand, I also realized that there was this whole world of things that people just got intuitively. It was a really bitter taste for teenage me to realize that I didn’t just have a problem understanding social cues, but apparently sexual cues as well. But, having a word for it, and realizing that there were other people like me, and that on the off chance, I was approached, I would have a way of explaining myself, it was nice.

[Jon]

thanks for sharing your experience. Mine is similar in that my awareness of sexuality was limited and feeling “different” upon discovering how widespread such behavior was (though publicly taboo). I think that such “differentness” feelings and thoughts have looped in my CNS. AS far as my own self analysis, I think that though my feelings of shame originated as a social experience, it has become what might be called a mental habit. Disinterest is the result.

[Danny]

Why hello there! I work/worked 2 jobs until this covid… One is full time 5 days a week and the other was part time 3 days a week… A very friendly person who laughs at almost everything… When you try to scar me I don’t usually get scared but if you don’t try to scar me and I turn around… Well that… Is when I have a heart attack 🤣

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty new to identifying myself as asexual. I’d struggled for years in different ways with sexual intimacy. It was never something that made me feel closer to someone. If anything, it was more of a barrier to connection for me. When I tried at different points to explain to intimate partners that I may be asexual, I was met with similar responses as when I came out as a queer woman. “No, you’re not”, “youre just confused”, “it’s just a passing feeling”, “I know you! And that’s not you.” Tiring and lonely. I’ve grown extremely tired of feeling guilty or ashamed for not wanting or needing sex. I do still want love and romance. I want to find a life mate who understands and can accept and appreciate my love and affection. Just starting this journey but I’m hopeful for what it brings. Cheers!

[Brianna Williams]

Hi Connor, I’m Brianna and your post really spoke out to me. When I was younger, I felt different from everyone. My sister was sexual, but I just couldn’t understand why it wasn’t appealing to me. I learned more about asexuality in college as well, and I unfortunately have no one to talk to about this because no one really knows what to say. I just want to say that I can relate to your story.

[Brianna Williams]

For me, I have been through a lot of trauma and negative experiences with people that it makes me reluctant to trust others. All the friends that I had were only temporary and surface level. I was always the one making the effort to keep the friendships. I was also isolated by people in middle school. No one really wanted to talk to me. So I thought that it was just me. Sometimes, I still think that way, which is why I want to meet people that I can relate to. I really couldn’t understand why I wasn’t like everyone else as I was growing up. I was never interested in sex and I could never see myself having sex, but I still want friends and eventually a partner. I want to be accepted by others, but it seems impossible for me. I hope that I can meet others through this forum.

[Anonymous]

Well, My story is simple. I was the square peg trying fit in a round hole since preschool.In the beggining,before pubriety, it was easy to fit in.I just went with the flow. By Jr./Sr. High, when why I didn’t chase girls, I can honestly say “meh”. If I made friends, It was for the sake of work-end means.With that in mind,I was asked why don’t I date,simple, I made up some excue or hide the truth with a sese of shame. Of course, with the internet, That only help with my imagination, not my sese of isolation.Of course, based on the picture I submitted for this site, YES, I am a honorably discharged U.S. Navy vet and talk about being ackward. That was part of my life helped define me as asexual.That would only meant that relationships i had with women were seemingly either platonic/work or an obligation towards work-life balance. I loved the part where they rather have me as gay because that doesn’t have anything tpo do with it.

[Katrina]

I’ve always known I’ve never been interested in sex and relationships the same way many of my friends were. In junior high and high school I was content focusing on my friendships and academics. I went through the first 3 years of University having never gone on a single date. I was happy being single, but there was still an element of denial. I assumed that one day something would magically click and I would suddenly meet someone who I wanted a relationship with. My best friend came out as asexual and aromantic, I had known that there was an Ace community but never gave much thought to whether I was Ace as well.

I assumed I was missing something by not dating people so I tried it. I met plenty of people I could really talk to and hang out with, but I never felt attracted to anyone. I got a boyfriend and quickly discovered that I didn’t want to try the things he wanted. We tried to make it work but both decided we wanted different things in a relationship.

After a few months of thinking about it I started to actually research asexuality and ended up here. I’m still in the process of sorting it out in my head, but it feels good to attach a name to this difference that I’ve felt all these years and get a chance to meet others who can relate.

[Laura Wood]

I guess in so much as I have a story – I wasn’t really aware of asexuality as an orientation as I grew up. I had crushes on men and women but they were never sexual in nature. As I got into relationships I blamed my lack of interest, and even at times repulsion to sex on trauma which I had survived in my teenage years. I assumed that with enough therapy I would become a sexual person but although I healed in other ways that didn’t happen. And now I think maybe when I was trying to fix my sexuality I was trying to fix a part of me that wasn’t broken. It took me long enough to get there – I’m trying to figure out what it means now and where I’m going next.

[Anonymous]

I dated in high school because it was what my mother told me girls my age do. No idea what was going on. Ended up used, abused and confused. Thought it was because I was a lesbian. Dated women in college, still used and confused when it came to the sex side of things, enjoyed the connection and the comradeship more, but not interested in sex. Pressured by family to be normal, met a transwoman, pre-op who was the same as me, we even became engaged, planning to give our families the normal wedding they wanted and, she’d have surgery during the honeymoon and we’d have the life we wanted, the pressures of “normal” became too much for her. She left this world, that was 15 years ago. I found the terminology that fit me a few years ago, but what do you do with it? It is a term, it helps, but it isn’t a magic wand.

[Maura]

I think there should be a mandatory class in junior high called “Being Human.” On the first day, the teacher would ask, “What does being ‘normal’ mean?” The class would be a dialogue-based exploration of the enormous, beautiful variety of human experience.
It’s so sad that we are sold a sham ideal by our culture, and even by well-meaning family and friends, leaving everyone feeling like an outcast.

[Anonymous]

My story has been pretty low-key and easy. I was never interested in many relationships or at least the sexual part of it and I remember being in middle school and not really understanding why everyone was obsessed with dating. There would be conversations and I would just sit quietly to the side. My parents never pushed and my brother acted very similarly though we never talked about it. When I was around 20 I was having a conversation with my best friend who had come out to me as a lesbian a few years earlier about how I felt and she suggested that I was possibly asexual. That’s how I’ve identified ever since. I consider myself panromantic ace, but I’ve never been in a relationship so that may be incorrect. I do enjoy the idea of the romantic aspects of relationships. I recently came out to my parents this past June and they were completely accepting, and my friends feel very similar. I got lucky.

[DanM86]

I discovered this site while looking for asexual networking opportunities.

I’m a 33 years old ace male living in New Orleans as a biologist in the public sector. After dealing with some frustration with traditional dating sites, it made sense to focus on sites geared towards asexuals since my other experiences dissolved when my contacts disclosed their desire to have someone allo. My hobbies include reading, traveling, baking desserts, and video gaming, and I have been to Mardi Gras 3 times since moving to New Orleans a few years ago. Hoping to maybe meet a special someone on this site who is not averted to my orientation.

[Peter]

I’ve always been awkward and shy, and then in my 20’s I was diagnosed with autism. I always in denial about being “different” for lack of a better term.
Anyway, now in my mid to late 30’s I feel ready to confront that I don’t care about sex. I’ve never had a girlfriend before, maybe insecurities held me back or I just wasn’t ready. I hope to find love for the first time.

[Author]

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