September 22, 2020 at 8:18 pm #32069
So… after somehow (semi)successfully surviving almost 40 years on this planet… I have just come to terms with the fact that I’m asexual. My last relationship ended earlier this year as my partner at the time used sex very much as a marker for how our relationship was and my lack of enthusiasm led to a gradual increase in problems which ultimately caused me to honestly assess my sexuality. Haven’t entirely worked out how I feel about this yet given that we – apparently – make up just 0.4% of the UK population and that probably makes the possibility of meeting someone fairly slim, but in some senses the idea of not having to deal with being in ‘socio-normative’ relationship is definitely a relief. I do, on the positive side, have a life that I fundamentally love but how to negotiate sharing that with someone on the basis of a sexless relationship is still a bit of mystery to me. Hope does, however, spring eternal… 🙂September 23, 2020 at 6:55 am #32073
In order to have children, I wrongly married sex-driven people and hoped my “feelings” would change. Being able to have sex under extraordinary conditions doesn’t make it enjoyable, and you are unlike to be good at something your heart isn’t into.
I married people, who, if they ever really loved me, quickly fell out of love and later admitted they were just showing, telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
Worse, none of them had any intention of having children, and seriously thinking I would give up on the idea with time.
Two were unfaithful the entire time before and after marriage, with one using me to support her while she earned her doctorate in law which I also paid for. Upon her graduation, she left me.
I gave up hope of a family but not of finding a Co-Creative Partner.
In mainstream American society, sexual attraction is the basis for first contact, so add to this the common stereotype that Black people are religious, anti-intellectual, over-emotional, and hypersexual.
Due to these pervasive stereotypes of Black people and Black culture as much in the ACE community as anywhere else, I rarely believed to be truly asexual and Whites and Lights are certain we cannot possibly have common values, common interests, common goals in life.
So in mainstream society and within the ACE community, I am Othered and the people doing the Othering will say, “Don’t say that about yourself” or offer tone-deaf expressions of comfort for me but really are meant to make them feel better. This is confirmed because the ones offering these “feel good” comments never show any interest in getting to know me on even the most superficial level.September 24, 2020 at 3:42 pm #32078
I too married thinking that my ideas of sex would change because i had found the “right” partner. I even had one biological child who is worth that entire unpleasant experience. I didnt know about “asexuality” or that identify as one until a few years into my “marriage” (yes i put it on quotations because it couldn’t be considered one). When i read about it, everything clicked. I tried to talk to my spouse about it but he just said that it was a proverbial slap in the face to him and refused to ever speak of it again. I had gone to couselors who suggested if you can believe it) that i get drunk to “loosen up to have sex”. I went to a psychiatrist who suggested that i have MORE sex to “get over it”.
There is an enourmous lack of knowledge about asexulity and WE suffer for it thinking we’re not “normal”. Even among LGBTQ communities sex can be the norm and we are just “weird”. Its frustrating… and i truly believe we have to form our own support communities to get us through being asexual in a sexual world. My family doesnt know, some of my friends do but none ask me about it. I smile nd nod when my sexual friends tell me about their escapades. But honestly, they may as well be talking about the weather.
I don’t regret having my child (or the other ones i later adopted)… every day is a wonder through a little one’s eyes. But sex is not something that i want, need or care for. Its not who i am. Yet i live in a sexual world and find myself starved for my kind of intimacy– a sharing of the mind, of the heart and of the hopes for the future. So i look for it here and hope that there are others like me.September 30, 2020 at 12:31 pm #32093
What a thread! I have always been attracted to women (fascination of the other) but I have never had any interest in participating in sex. I remember finding an adult magazine at my cousin’s house when I was 13 or so and feeling confused by how badly I wanted to stare at it forever. I grew up in a strict religious household in the 90’s so I didn’t even know women had body hair until then lol.
Even in my mid teens I knew that my aesthetic attraction to the female form was entirely normal and that my distinct lack of sexual desire was abnormal. I had hopes of growing out of it but as an adult I simply went my own way and was only occasionally reminded of my “condition”. I probably had it easier as a guy.
I am 36 now. I first read about asexuality probably 5 years ago and I immediately identified. I went to asexualcupid, set up a profile and within a month I was in a long distance relationship. We met in person after 6 months of video chatting and 1 months after that we broke up. That’s when I realized that asexuality alone is not enough in common to hang a relationship on.
My sexuality is a part of who I am, I’m not trying to build my identity around it.December 16, 2020 at 2:34 am #32150
She, Her Teknomage, Storyteller, Maker, Cooperative Enterprise and Product Architect, Advocate for Ecocentric Socially Responsible Technology.
I am Trans, Gender Non-Conforming (GNC), Lesbian or Lesboromantic, Demisexual.
My definition of Demisexual to means that the few times I have felt any physical attraction, have all been with someone I had a deep intellectual and emotional bond with. Unfortunately for me, that typically is along after I have been put in someone’s “friend” box, and so never reciprocated.
I will be 64 in a couple of weeks and most people do not believe I am more than half that age. Every single person I have been close to is long dead. As a hippy, I had a t-shirt that said “Never Trust Anybody Over 30!” The thought never occurred to me that I would watch as each person I love would grow old, seemingly before their time, sicken, and die.
Since the few times I have fallen in love with someone, they have been women I have been close friends with. Over the years, I learned to never tell how I felt, because it has always ended the friendship.
There is no part of being ACE, that is not made worse by being Black, Trans, Lesbian. In every ACE group I have joined, there is the cynical suspicion that a Black Person cannot really be ACE. The few times I do meet other Black people what are ACE, they do not think I fit their definition of Black identity, or they are homophobic and or transphobic.
Not once in 20 years has any member of any ACE group tried to be my friend. Over and over again, people win my trust and then I find out they are trying to figure out what my real agenda is.December 27, 2020 at 2:37 am #32167
I’m 49 years old and have spent most of my life questioning. I never had the vocabulary to understand who I was and without the words I couldn’t figure it out. I guess it was about ten years ago that I was introduced to the term asexual in a sexuality class but it was mentioned, not talked about. I didn’t recognize it as relating to me at that time. I didn’t know that romantic and sexual could be separate things. About two years ago my vocabulary expanded and I realized that I’m a panromantic asexual. I have fallen hard for men and women, even got married once. Usually the draw is intellect. Maybe I’m actually sapiosexual or, more likely, sapioromantic. It’s been over ten years since I’ve been in a romantic relationship. It would be nice to find someone to hold hands with, hug, a little cuddling without the pressure of it leading to more.January 3, 2021 at 10:44 am #32198
Hi, I’m a 48 year old heteromantic ace. Officially I’m still married, but my husband and I separated a couple of years ago. Being asexual and him being very sexual meant we connected on very different levels. And in the end, after being together for 19 years, it just dit not work anymore. And then I heard about asexuality. Puzzle pieces came together.January 12, 2021 at 11:01 pm #32202
I’m 29 years old. I’ve never been interested in sex, I’ve always felt like it was a rite of passage somehow, but the idea of being engaged in sex is just not something I can imagine.
I’ve had my suspicions that something was a bit off when I was a teenager. I didn’t seem attracted to guys like my friends used to describe it. It always felt exaggerated to me. And them being teenagers, I didn’t question it. All this time I just thought I was a late bloomer or in fear of intimacy. Some members of my family just assumed I was a lesbian (which, to this day, I can’t tell if they meant it as something positive or not, I am not sure I want to know), but that didn’t seem right either.
I’ve had a few romantic crushes on guys since, so I guess I’m hetero-romantic, but even those kinds of attraction seem pretty rare as well. As for sexual attraction, this is a myth to me, as far as I’m concerned haha.
But you know, there’s a point where you can’t just use the excuse of being a “late bloomer” anymore.
In 2014/2015, I stumbled upon a video on youtube, it was a David Jay interview, and I didn’t quite get it at first. I was like “Hang on, that’s a possibility? Really? How?” I was in denial of something that had been part of me this whole time!
So that was the epiphany moment. Now it does affect my life as I still feel weird when the subject of sexuality is brought up. I have nothing to bring to the table, really. So I just sit there, listening.
But if it weren’t for people bringing it up and the conversation being so focused on it, I doubt I would think about it a lot.
Anyway I’m glad this space exists, it’s so interesting to hear about your stories and being able to relate to them!
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