September 22, 2020 at 8:18 pm #32069BenSpectator
So… after somehow (semi)successfully surviving almost 40 years on this planet… I have just come to terms with the fact that I’m asexual. My last relationship ended earlier this year as my partner at the time used sex very much as a marker for how our relationship was and my lack of enthusiasm led to a gradual increase in problems which ultimately caused me to honestly assess my sexuality. Haven’t entirely worked out how I feel about this yet given that we – apparently – make up just 0.4% of the UK population and that probably makes the possibility of meeting someone fairly slim, but in some senses the idea of not having to deal with being in ‘socio-normative’ relationship is definitely a relief. I do, on the positive side, have a life that I fundamentally love but how to negotiate sharing that with someone on the basis of a sexless relationship is still a bit of mystery to me. Hope does, however, spring eternal… 🙂September 23, 2020 at 6:55 am #32073AnonymousInactive
In order to have children, I wrongly married sex-driven people and hoped my “feelings” would change. Being able to have sex under extraordinary conditions doesn’t make it enjoyable, and you are unlike to be good at something your heart isn’t into.
I married people, who, if they ever really loved me, quickly fell out of love and later admitted they were just showing, telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
Worse, none of them had any intention of having children, and seriously thinking I would give up on the idea with time.
Two were unfaithful the entire time before and after marriage, with one using me to support her while she earned her doctorate in law which I also paid for. Upon her graduation, she left me.
I gave up hope of a family but not of finding a Co-Creative Partner.
In mainstream American society, sexual attraction is the basis for first contact, so add to this the common stereotype that Black people are religious, anti-intellectual, over-emotional, and hypersexual.
Due to these pervasive stereotypes of Black people and Black culture as much in the ACE community as anywhere else, I rarely believed to be truly asexual and Whites and Lights are certain we cannot possibly have common values, common interests, common goals in life.
So in mainstream society and within the ACE community, I am Othered and the people doing the Othering will say, “Don’t say that about yourself” or offer tone-deaf expressions of comfort for me but really are meant to make them feel better. This is confirmed because the ones offering these “feel good” comments never show any interest in getting to know me on even the most superficial level.September 24, 2020 at 3:42 pm #32078LorraineSpectator
I too married thinking that my ideas of sex would change because i had found the “right” partner. I even had one biological child who is worth that entire unpleasant experience. I didnt know about “asexuality” or that identify as one until a few years into my “marriage” (yes i put it on quotations because it couldn’t be considered one). When i read about it, everything clicked. I tried to talk to my spouse about it but he just said that it was a proverbial slap in the face to him and refused to ever speak of it again. I had gone to couselors who suggested if you can believe it) that i get drunk to “loosen up to have sex”. I went to a psychiatrist who suggested that i have MORE sex to “get over it”.
There is an enourmous lack of knowledge about asexulity and WE suffer for it thinking we’re not “normal”. Even among LGBTQ communities sex can be the norm and we are just “weird”. Its frustrating… and i truly believe we have to form our own support communities to get us through being asexual in a sexual world. My family doesnt know, some of my friends do but none ask me about it. I smile nd nod when my sexual friends tell me about their escapades. But honestly, they may as well be talking about the weather.
I don’t regret having my child (or the other ones i later adopted)… every day is a wonder through a little one’s eyes. But sex is not something that i want, need or care for. Its not who i am. Yet i live in a sexual world and find myself starved for my kind of intimacy– a sharing of the mind, of the heart and of the hopes for the future. So i look for it here and hope that there are others like me.September 30, 2020 at 12:31 pm #32093TitusSpectator
What a thread! I have always been attracted to women (fascination of the other) but I have never had any interest in participating in sex. I remember finding an adult magazine at my cousin’s house when I was 13 or so and feeling confused by how badly I wanted to stare at it forever. I grew up in a strict religious household in the 90’s so I didn’t even know women had body hair until then lol.
Even in my mid teens I knew that my aesthetic attraction to the female form was entirely normal and that my distinct lack of sexual desire was abnormal. I had hopes of growing out of it but as an adult I simply went my own way and was only occasionally reminded of my “condition”. I probably had it easier as a guy.
I am 36 now. I first read about asexuality probably 5 years ago and I immediately identified. I went to asexualcupid, set up a profile and within a month I was in a long distance relationship. We met in person after 6 months of video chatting and 1 months after that we broke up. That’s when I realized that asexuality alone is not enough in common to hang a relationship on.
My sexuality is a part of who I am, I’m not trying to build my identity around it.December 16, 2020 at 2:34 am #32150AnonymousInactive
She, Her Teknomage, Storyteller, Maker, Cooperative Enterprise and Product Architect, Advocate for Ecocentric Socially Responsible Technology.
I am Trans, Gender Non-Conforming (GNC), Lesbian or Lesboromantic, Demisexual.
My definition of Demisexual to means that the few times I have felt any physical attraction, have all been with someone I had a deep intellectual and emotional bond with. Unfortunately for me, that typically is along after I have been put in someone’s “friend” box, and so never reciprocated.
I will be 64 in a couple of weeks and most people do not believe I am more than half that age. Every single person I have been close to is long dead. As a hippy, I had a t-shirt that said “Never Trust Anybody Over 30!” The thought never occurred to me that I would watch as each person I love would grow old, seemingly before their time, sicken, and die.
Since the few times I have fallen in love with someone, they have been women I have been close friends with. Over the years, I learned to never tell how I felt, because it has always ended the friendship.
There is no part of being ACE, that is not made worse by being Black, Trans, Lesbian. In every ACE group I have joined, there is the cynical suspicion that a Black Person cannot really be ACE. The few times I do meet other Black people what are ACE, they do not think I fit their definition of Black identity, or they are homophobic and or transphobic.
Not once in 20 years has any member of any ACE group tried to be my friend. Over and over again, people win my trust and then I find out they are trying to figure out what my real agenda is.December 27, 2020 at 2:37 am #32167AnonymousInactive
I’m 49 years old and have spent most of my life questioning. I never had the vocabulary to understand who I was and without the words I couldn’t figure it out. I guess it was about ten years ago that I was introduced to the term asexual in a sexuality class but it was mentioned, not talked about. I didn’t recognize it as relating to me at that time. I didn’t know that romantic and sexual could be separate things. About two years ago my vocabulary expanded and I realized that I’m a panromantic asexual. I have fallen hard for men and women, even got married once. Usually the draw is intellect. Maybe I’m actually sapiosexual or, more likely, sapioromantic. It’s been over ten years since I’ve been in a romantic relationship. It would be nice to find someone to hold hands with, hug, a little cuddling without the pressure of it leading to more.January 3, 2021 at 10:44 am #32198MirandaParticipant
Hi, I’m a 48 year old heteromantic ace. Officially I’m still married, but my husband and I separated a couple of years ago. Being asexual and him being very sexual meant we connected on very different levels. And in the end, after being together for 19 years, it just dit not work anymore. And then I heard about asexuality. Puzzle pieces came together.January 12, 2021 at 11:01 pm #32202AudreyParticipant
I’m 29 years old. I’ve never been interested in sex, I’ve always felt like it was a rite of passage somehow, but the idea of being engaged in sex is just not something I can imagine.
I’ve had my suspicions that something was a bit off when I was a teenager. I didn’t seem attracted to guys like my friends used to describe it. It always felt exaggerated to me. And them being teenagers, I didn’t question it. All this time I just thought I was a late bloomer or in fear of intimacy. Some members of my family just assumed I was a lesbian (which, to this day, I can’t tell if they meant it as something positive or not, I am not sure I want to know), but that didn’t seem right either.
I’ve had a few romantic crushes on guys since, so I guess I’m hetero-romantic, but even those kinds of attraction seem pretty rare as well. As for sexual attraction, this is a myth to me, as far as I’m concerned haha.
But you know, there’s a point where you can’t just use the excuse of being a “late bloomer” anymore.
In 2014/2015, I stumbled upon a video on youtube, it was a David Jay interview, and I didn’t quite get it at first. I was like “Hang on, that’s a possibility? Really? How?” I was in denial of something that had been part of me this whole time!
So that was the epiphany moment. Now it does affect my life as I still feel weird when the subject of sexuality is brought up. I have nothing to bring to the table, really. So I just sit there, listening.
But if it weren’t for people bringing it up and the conversation being so focused on it, I doubt I would think about it a lot.
Anyway I’m glad this space exists, it’s so interesting to hear about your stories and being able to relate to them!March 23, 2021 at 3:25 am #32230AntiochusParticipant
I’m really not sure if I’m even considered asexual, or any of the other terms, other than maybe biromantic, since I have chosen to live a life of celibacy. I want to be with a man but I desire a sex-free or penetration free sex life with him. I know it sounds romantic, but the honest truth is that all I’ve ever wanted from a man was for him to hold me and support me. When I went on the dating apps and hookup apps, it was like asking these guys for the world just to cuddle and snuggle together without any sex before or after. But that’s the part of relationship I treasure the most and the only thing that matters to me. I discovered asexuality quite a few years ago when I was travelling to California at 18. I met the most gorgeous girl my age and she was in a monogamous relationship with a girl at time. She told me she’s biromantic asexual, and she answered all of the questions I had about it. I would have asked her out if she were single. It was so neat to meet someone who spoke my kind of language. Thanks everybody.March 31, 2021 at 10:28 pm #32232SelinaKyleParticipant
I am attracted to men but I do not want to have sex. I dont enjoy it and find it painful. I feel like when I try to talk to men sex is all they care about. Like they are more focused on sex then getting to know me as a person. I would love to meet someone because i dont want to be alone but I dont know where to meet anyone. I actually met a really nice guy on this site but when I met him he wanted to have sex. That was confusing. Im looking to make friends or find a partnerApril 3, 2021 at 3:50 pm #32233AvidReaderSpectator
@SelinaKyle – this is how I feel too. I have only been in chaste relationships with men – an intellectual connection + kissing and hugs. Once the relationship seems headed towards sex, I break it off.April 18, 2021 at 12:09 am #32234LaraParticipant
I grew up in a patriarchal family where a traditional marriage was the only option I knew. At 46 I’ve been married twice, broke off one engagement, and have four children 14 to 26. My youngest two are LGBTQ+ and they are the catalyst for helping me realize that what I’ve felt my whole life is valid, and doesn’t need to be rebranded into, “you just hasn’t found the right guy yet” or “everyone gets tired of sex.”
Whenever I share my Ace-ness I immediately hear “but you have four kids!” followed by laughter.
I’ve experienced sexual assault both in and outside of my marriages. I’ve accommodated my partners over the years in opposition of my own feelings because I thought that I was supposed to. I feel so sad for young me, because middle-aged me feels so much relief and understanding.
I never understood when someone said “that person’s so hot!” that they really felt a physical flash of heat because they were turned on. I felt like I was broken because I might be repulsed when people I was dating would try to be or look sexy with me.
I now recognize myself as a cis, bisexual ace and I am so excited for the future. 🥰April 24, 2021 at 3:43 pm #32236LaurenParticipant
Hi! My name’s Lauren and I’m 31 and live in Chicago!
I only recently (with the help and support of my awesome queer therapist) realized that I am asexual. I was raised in a very insular catholic family and community. Sexuality in general was not to be discussed and the only option was heterosexuality. It was seen as sinful to “choose” anything else. I didn’t meet anyone on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum until I was 26 even.
It’s been a wild ride putting together the pieces of my life and figuring out who I am and what I want my life to look like. Coming out as asexual and panromantic to a few close friends and my brother has helped.
I found this website through TikTok lol. Glad to be in a safe space and get to know other people like me! 🙂July 11, 2021 at 9:53 pm #32259DanM86Spectator
I had discovered this site while seeking to learn more about dating prospects and get a better idea of the asexual community as a whole. Coming out as asexual about a year ago was fortunately not too difficult, although I get a strong impression of disappointment from my parents who are very traditional in their heteroromantic ideals.
Maybe its craziness, but I feel both semi-happy and a bit lonely at the same time, and partly as a result of seeing all my LGBT+ and straight peers and their significant others on social media having happy lives. My goal has been to open myself to the prospect of dating others and developing a long-term relationship as a biromantic ace who has no aversion to sex. If it doesn’t work for me this year, it is not my intention to hold it against myself as I’m very good at traveling and being open to new experiences. As a government worker, I don’t intend to move from my home and give up my job, but wouldn’t mind making a few good friends, even if not a Mr. or Mrs. Right…July 12, 2021 at 3:36 pm #32262Jennifer CornellParticipant
I am thirty-four and I think I discovered the word “asexual” around ten years ago, that is when I realized that I fit into that category. I was never one to seek relationships despite badly wanting one just because I did not feel like wasting my time on people who were not interested in me or only interested in short-term, sex-driven relationships. I have had enough relationships to know I love kissing, I love a good snog, I enjoy cuddling when I can, and really I just like to lean on someone as we do our own thing because I want to be close.
The relationship I had before I figured out I was asexual was with an allosexual who put all his understandings of relationships through the lens of sex or not sex, and all his understanding about sex came from porn. Needless to say, he was a bad partner in many ways. I found out that I could do sexual things up until a point but that was not good enough for said partner and he continued to try and push me. This included pushing me to the point of trying something I was against and ended up having a panic attack over because I was trying to please my partner. Plus I had a lot of voices in my ear telling me it is okay to have sex with a long term boyfriend so do it already (we were together approx. two years and during that time I tried to force myself to be an allosexual and enjoy sex).
Honestly, I should have realized before I was twenty-four given my favorite movie is Labyrinth and I was eighteen when a friend of mine said “You know, I can’t really enjoy this movie because of David Bowie’s bouncing balls”, and I was so confused because never before had I noticed how tight those tights are on David Bowie. Or I should have realized the time my younger cousin kept pausing the part in Coyote Ugly when the male love interest is only barely covered by a sheet. She was HIGHLY intrigued and I was like “WTF ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU ARE TWELVE”. I really thought people being driven crazy by sex and sexual desires was something trumped up for entertainment because it did not seem realistic… I have learned it is realistic I just don’t have that brain chemistry.
I’m rambling. My cat is biting my hand for typing instead of loving on her. So I will sign out.July 18, 2021 at 5:33 pm #32264KatieParticipant
Hello! I’m Katie. I live in Atlantic Canada and am 41. I only realized what asexuality is and that I am asexual about 3 years ago. Growing up I found girls didn’t talk a lot about sex and I never fully realized how different I was for not having the same attraction and urges as others. I thought that was just how girls were. I have had one 5 year relationship with a man that started as friendship and grew to more intimacy but no sex acts. We split up about 4 years ago. I have a mostly accepting family and excellently supportive friends but I find it can be lonely. I don’t feel like a part of the LGBTQA+ group and I don’t know anyone else like me.September 27, 2021 at 7:41 pm #32309LindseyParticipant
I’m a court show nut. My marriage was already failing when one day about 3 years ago, I was watching my court shows, and the plaintiff stated he found out he was asexual during his marriage. He went on to describe what that is to the judge and I hung on his every word. (Weirdly enough, very relevant to the case haha)
You see, up to this point, I had never ever heard that term before. I have bi, gay, lesbian friends but this topic never came up. All I knew about myself my entire life was that sex didn’t excite me, it felt like a chore, and I often faked enjoying it with my partners. I also faked relating to my friends or understanding them when they talked about how “hot” this person was or how “horny” something made them feel. About 9 years ago I dated a guy who I opened up to about it, even told him I never pleasured myself either. He bought me a toy which was very sweet and thoughtful of him to try and help, but I found no pleasure with that either.
So I finished my court show, did some research and aaaalllllll the pieces started coming together. I can’t even describe the feeling of relief I had, was so excited! Until the time came to tell my husband of 3ish years at the time, then I was mostly just anxious. He tried to be understanding but it was definitely more discouraging ultimately. Some confusion was cleared up finally but it was still a problem, one of many. We started planning for a separation not long after that.
My husband and I have been separated now for a few months, our marriage lasted 6 years, with plans to file the divorce in the near future. Since we started planning our separation though, I’ve had a lot of time to reevaluate who I am, what I want, and what I need. Yeah divorce sucks, but we’re still friends and everything I learned about myself, love, and life is invaluable moving forward!
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