Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Nalia Unger]

My personal story really began when I was probably about 13. Everyone else seemed to be starting to go through puberty and started to talk about sex and probably by the end of my freshman year of highschool most of the people I knew weren’t virgins. All I felt was discuss when I would learn about this. It felt wrong. It felt gross to just hear the words. I always told myself that I would grow out of it… that it was just gross to me because of a sex negative culture… But when I became more sex positive and learned all about it and that people enjoyed it it was still really disgusting for me. While I understood why other people enjoyed it for me the thought of sleeping with someone made my stomach churn. When I got into the LGBTQIA+ community I learned why.

Discovering I was ace and nonbinary was so freeing. Everything made sense. Other people didn’t understand but I did. I heard a lot of comments about how I’d never find love or have a relationship and it’s been discouraging. Some days I wish I was just normal or at least wasn’t repulsed… But I can’t change it so I just have to make it work. That’s all anyone can do, right?

[Anonymous]

I only found out asexual was a the thing recently and its so nice to know that their is nothing wrong with me, and that I’m not the only one. I have known since I was 14 that the idea of sex repulsed me and since then I had few sexual relationship but i did not care for that at all and I felt bad every time I could not stomach having sex. But now I know I’m not alone in this i can see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

[Justin Hamilton]

I don’t know, there’s not really a story.

I’ve always been mildly grossed out by sex. When I was a teenager, I pretended otherwise because guys were supposed to be super sex-oriented, but as an adult, social acceptance is less of an issue. I had sex as an adult and decided that it really wasn’t for me.

[Anonymous]

I was always curious about sex when I was younger and thought that it was supposed to be exciting and some amazing thing but when it finally happened it lost its excitement immediately. In almost every relationship I’ve been in, sex has seemed like a chore and something I was doing to keep the other person happy.
I am surrounded by people who value sex as a make or break priority in a relationship, and I get completely turned off by that idea. I thought something was wrong with me. Then not too long ago I heard about asexuality, demi-sexuality, and gray-a etc. and everything finally made sense.

[Anonymous]

Generally day to day, I live a normal life I have a few good freinds I live in my own flat in London and have a reasonable job. Mostly I am happy. The problem Is, I seem unable to start a relationship, because of the usual expectation of a sex. I want the friendship and companionship of a relationship, and even ,I think, the romantic side. But for whatever reason Sex does not appeal to me. I’m now 42 and don’t want to go through life feeling isolated. Which I why I have taken the plunge and joined this site.

[Andrea]

I’m as cut and paste asexual as they come. It’s never clicked for me. It’s never been something i’ve had any interest in, and when I was younger, it wasn’t a big deal. Then people start pairing off, you find yourself more and more isolated. And i’m happy. I’m pretty sure i’m happy, i have a fantastic job and I’m doing what I love. I think it’s a mix of being disappointed in myself for being complacent, and being that odd duck out for typically paired events that gets me the most.

I feel like a compass with no dial. The relationships I’ve had with men, as soon as it got to that sexual stage and things were expected, immediately fizzled out. I tried dating another woman, and it was okay, but nothing ever really clicked there, either. I’d love a how-to manual on this, haha. But the idea of being really close with someone, opening your heart up to something where sex is not expected, feels like the only arrow i’ve seen. That’s why I’m here.

[Sharon]

I just found out about asexuality recently. I was confused for so many years and knew I didn’t fit in with everyone around me. I didn’t feel attracted to either men or women and I didn’t have any desire for sex. Later, I became sexually active due to peer pressure from friends. Everyone thinks you are weird if you have never had a partner. Then I felt I had to have sex whenever my partner did in order to keep the relationship. In fact, a boyfriend left me for an older woman because I wanted sex a lot less often than him. I was married for less than a year. I experienced an orgasm exactly twice while having sex with him. I remember thinking, “oh this is what everyone has been going on about”. But as time went by, I just couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him. After the divorce, I tried sex with so many men but without any good feelings or sensations. I please myself, but with a greater sensation if I bring my fantasies into it. Two years ago, I hooked up with a former colleague and we had great sex during which I actually screamed. We never got together again because he moved away. Well, I was very confused about my sexuality until I found out about gray aces. How can I be asexual if I have had an orgasm 3 times with a partner? Yes, it is true that I form intensely emotional attachments to either women or men. I can only have sex with someone if I feel comfortable with him and have an emotional bond.

My hope is to find someone who is also asexual. I want to live with my partner, share my life with someone, share our meals, go for strolls together, and so on. I finally realized that, yes, I do deserve to be happy. There are so many types of relationships. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

If he is sexual, then he would have to accept me and that we would not have sex often. I guess I could compromise by participating in stuff like massage, etc. I am learning to tell men about myself and see what happens. Recently, I starting dating a former classmate who found me on FB. He was very horny and told me, “if you love the guy then you will have sex with him”. He didn’t get it.

I believe that love can be separate from sex although it is often combined. Most often, married couples have sex less often as years go by but they still love each other.

I know an asexual couple who have lived together, quite happily, since 1989. So, I know it can happen.

[justpasnthru]

ok I’ll bite like so many others did I’m 52 years old and it’s taken me this long to realize – well I realized it about 10 years ago but I’ve had a couple of indiscretions since then and there’s nothing like drunk sex with people who are 30 years your junior to shake you to your core and make you go “smack” what the hell is wrong with you and why are you doing this to yourself?

It was inconsequential and nothing came of it but it still made me feel dirty and worthless especially when the young man still wanted to sleep with me. It was weird and I put an end to it after the first time but I can’t deny that it didn’t happen. In spite of all that, I’ve learned to start respecting myself and now I know what I know what I know and I know I want a relationship without the most stressful thing that can ruin a relationship and that is sex. It is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things and the sooner people realize that the happier they will be.

This is not a site for people who are young, go out and enjoy yourself and experiment until you find what is right for you. This is a site for the erectile dysfuntional or frigid or whatever you want to call it. Sorry, but it’s true.

[Maria]

I am a recent member of this site but am so relieved I have found it.I have 3 grown up children who are very much part of my life.My last relationship was around 7 years ago and since then I have had no desire to have a sexual relationship with another man.
Sex no Longer appeals to me and I can quite happily live without it.If I was to form a relationship with a man he would need to accept that on my part there will be no sexual Involvement.I prefer the companionship,friendship,Intellectual Conversation and romance more than the sexual side of it.
I have had a few dates over the years but as soon as it neared the sexual side of things which is usually expected I ended it.
I have a fairly good job,I enjoy travelling,Days out,Have a few Hobbies.Life is good for me at the moment but it would be even nicer to share my love of travel and Interests with someone special and hopefully find a life time partner and form a romantic,companionship without the pressure put upon me for sex and this is why I have ended up on this site.I am also seeking friendships too with like minded people.

[Colette]

I guess I’m like the majority of people on here.

I haven’t had a relationship for the past 11 years mainly because I got fed up of pretending to enjoy sex. I have an adult son and only been in 1 long term relationship (with his dad) because of the way I feel about sex, although I’ve had a few other unsuccessful relationships.

I’ve never been interested in sex and have loved these last 11 years because I haven’t had to participate. However I do miss being in a romantic relationship as I do like to kiss and cuddle and I really don’t want to end up old and alone.

I always thought that it was because I hadn’t met the right person and that when I did, everything would be wonderful and I would be “normal”. I had never heard of the term Asexual until a few months ago, when I was searching for “celibate dating sites” and I came across a few for Asexual and after reading a little I realised that it was describing me.

[Elizabeth Sharp]

Hi! I am still exploring this… it’s a new term, fits well. I call myself celibate around religious ppl. However, its also easier to explain…the term has been around longer. In love, in relationships, I am extremely romantic, loveable, flirtatious, playful and fun but I am not sexual at all. I find that I am unable to “give back” in that way. Yes it repulses me. I tried. The mentality of “do this for me” and “I will do this for you” is just plain ridiculous so I put on the ideals of a feminist as well. I’m not trying to be haughty ,however, it does take me years to fall in love and even at that I wait and wait and then I break up and mourn and mourn. I feel passion burn (but not strictly sexual) I can say I have ever been sexually frustrated like my friends. I am nothing like my friends, I don’t lust like they do, I don’t feel the need or desire to have sex. Google over mens bodies. I even have guys ask me if I masterbate. And they freak out when I say I don’t. Seriously? No! I don’t need to masterbate. But that made me think because I never thought about it before. Do ppl really do that much? I never felt abnormal. For me it has always been a choice. And love has always been my “high.” I never understood why sex was so easy for ppl and how much of a problem it was…so I made sure at a young age that I was not going to play around with sex. It is against mother nature, my personality (ENFP), etc…I am pretty rational about sex considering the fact that I am a spazz.But I am 37 years old and have never even been tempted to have sex and I have had many relationships. But they often ended on the note of “sex.” Sex is about intimacy, it is only 1 of the 5 love languages. I do not think I am afraid of sex however I cannot imagine having casual sex. Because sex is not casual to me. I do know however that in a relationship, it is important and I would put it on the calender,lol and not use it as a revenge tactic…lol

[Anonymous]

Hi people !

for me is it because I am differnt woman and person with disappointment in relationship.

I have lived with very selfish men my whole life and I have been forced to live a life with no man behind me wanting to protect me or tell me in love what to do so I not make a mistake, instead had it been the opposite that they have loved to see me fail in life and growing bigger in the body to get the total control over me.
They have never care for me so I don’t know how it is when a man not think in sex terms in everything he say and do.

Life is so much more than sex and especial after not be able to have babies. I don’t feel it is no need to have sex when not having babies.

I know I wanted only be pregnant and be a mom to make me be someone out from my low self-confidence.

I maybe created monsters in men as soon we start to be together by be so independently but in the same way do I think I met a need of the men by make me be a target of break me down mentally.

The most common word in my relationship from men have been ” I don’t care ”

Now when met GOD and be a preacher do I not want to have sex before marriage and what man want to marry a woman without have test her in sex ? And now when I am not beautiful anymore can’t I trust in be mmarried because I am not sexy or attractive on the outside.

I live total alone and as the father’s of my two kids didn’t care about me do I have kids who doesn’t care if I sit on my own over for example Christmas.

Because I have moved so much do I have no friends so it could be very nice to have someone that care and could be close to and only feel this right love that am NOT sex.

Today do people think that love is sex but it isn’t. Love is to know that we belong to each other even if we are 1000 miles away from each other…..love is to feel love by only see each other eyes over a crowdy dancefloor, to feel him inside in every cell….. this is true love and it has not a body …it is spirit love.

I want respect because GOD have coming down and picked me as one of HIS workers under HIM…. no matter what your believe are only that you respect my experience of GOD.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason not to have an emotionally intimate, meaningful relationship without sex…also, this is a dating site, so there are many people searching for a companion without need of sex.

[David]

I first read about asexuality in college but at the time I thought it couldn’t possibly describe me (despite never having any particular interest in sex and avoiding dating because of the expectation that it would have to lead to sex eventually). I bought into the myth my family kept telling that someday I’d meet someone special and all those feelings would suddenly appear. It was only last year as I was doing a lot of introspection that I revisited the possibility of asexuality and read “The Invisible Orientation”. I now saw that what I was reading was perfectly describing how I had always felt.

[Nadi]

Once I had my sexual life and I’d enjoy it. But It started to diminish. Now I know I have sexual dysfunction. I didn’t want to accept I’d become an asexual and I still don’t.
But it might be the only way to identify myself since there is no cure for my problem.
It is hard to lose something that would change your identity!

[Justin]

For me, I only recently “discovered” asexuality as a term. Throughout my life I’ve always found ways to avoid sex, and just attributed it to me being nervous or anxious about it. Any time I’d get checked out at a bar or club, I’d ignore it, as I was totally not interested in hooking up.

I mostly just assumed that it might be a hormonal issue, or I was just being a total wuss and avoiding it for no reason. Society has told me my whole life that men are horn dogs who can have sex at the drop of a hat any time, anywhere, and that just did not match me as a person.

I attempted to have several sexual relationships, but each time left me with an underwhelming feeling like the build up is totally not worth it at all. Not to mention, during the act, I was normally so stressed out trying to perform despite being uninterested, that it was more inconvenient and uncomfortable to me than anything else.

In my last relationship, I was with a very sexual woman who took it very personally when I was not up for it. Which was often. I warned her at the start of the relationship that I had a VERY low sex drive (this was before I discovered asexuality), and she seemed okay with it. Over time, she was NOT okay with it, so I went through the process of getting my testosterone checked and I got a psych eval and I am totally, 100% average in both areas. Considering I have narrowed down other possibilities, the simple fact is…I am an asexual who has absolutely, zero interest in sex. I do not like feeling pressured to have sex and of course I do not enjoy HAVING sex at any point. This has made finding relationships painfully difficult, but I am perfectly fine being single.

If I find someone who can deal with my asexuality, preferably another asexual or someone who has a total understanding that I will not have sex for any reason and that they are free to fulfill their sexual desires outside of a relationship. It is definitely an interesting “quirk” to have, but we are all individuals with our own likes and dislikes.

So now, I know I am a proud heteroromantic asexual, and I need not feel the pressure of adhering to societal norms. Plus, the reactions I get from other men when I tell them is absolutely hilarious. Give it a try sometime, it’s the best.

[Chelsey]

I first discovered the term “Asexual” a few years ago. I believe that I have always been this way. I just thought there was something wrong with me for feeling like I had to really work at being sexual. I just want none of it. I am super romantic and have the best time planning dates and such, but I just have yet to find a partner with zero desire for sex like I have. I did not ever want to really label myself but it is quite clear to me with reading all of these posts that I am in the right spot. I am pansexual-asexual. Not sure if there is a word for that. I experience physical attraction sometimes. I can appreciate a good looking person, but I am much more sapiosexual than anything. I am mostly attracted to an intelligent person. I just recently decided to embrace the term asexual and hope to meet some people who I can relate to. I am in Texas and love a good road trip, so anyone who would like to talk can message me. We can exchange numbers or something.

[Erin Cosgrove]

I first discovered the word “Asexual” in my Junior year of high school through Tumblr. This was after I have dated both men and women and found that type of “Attraction” people usually talk about in relationships. I was kind of scared that I was doing something wrong.
I knew I sought companionship, but I did not have any sexual impulses towards any gender. It was a pretty confusing time figuring myself out. I found out later, still before I discovered the term, that I liked girls, so I thought myself lesbian, but it still did’t quite feel right. When I discovered this Tumblr account, thus discovering the term “Asexual” I did some looking up. Along with looking up asexual, I discovered romantic affiliations. After that I realized that I was indeed asexual, but homoromantic.
Now I hope to find a relationship with a female companion to hopefully one day raise a family with. Just to avoid confusion with the affiliations, I’ll still describe myself as gay to some people instead of having to explain asexual and homoromantic, but that rarely happens. I was ecstatic when I found this site with a bunch of other asexuals.

[Chelsey]

Your story is very similar to mine. I mostly dated men.. never really happy. Realized I liked women, and that I had zero interest in sex, around the same time so I havent dated many women because I am still trying to figure myself out. I think you and I could have a lot to talk about. Feel free to message me anytime. 🙂

[Clara]

It’s been quite a process, discovering my asexuality. It didn’t really happen all at once, it took me a long time to get used to it and I’m still confused sometimes.
The first time I dated someone was my freshman year of college. He was my best friend, and he had never dated anyone before either. I was the one who suggested we try dating because I liked him and really wanted a relationship. I guess I was kind of excited to try kissing and even sexual things… something everyone seemed to make a big deal about. But it always left me feeling lonely and sad, and wishing for more romantic/affectionate attention. Eventually I just got too depressed and asked if we could go back to being just friends and I was totally shocked when he got angry. I thought that he wasn’t that into it either, since he didn’t act much more romantic around me. I said I would be happy to stay his, but I couldn’t do sex. He said he didn’t want “half a relationship”, which hurt me, because that’s all I really wanted in a relationship.
I probably could have saved myself a lot of pain and trouble if I had known I was asexual then, but alas, I missed him too much and gave in and we got back together, which then led to 2 years of breaking up/getting back together where I fell more in love with him the more I learnt about him and he grew further and further away the more apparent it was that I didn’t like sex.
In the midst of this, I found out about asexuality but had mixed reactions. I was happy to have found a community of people who felt like me, but also didn’t want to be asexual because I didn’t want my relationship to fail. Even though we are long past that relationship now, I still get really sad thinking that someone couldn’t love me because I’m like this.
Now, I have switched schools and become an illustration major, which makes me so excited. It’s hard for me to make friends, so I’m kind of lonely, but when I feel sad I just throw myself into my work. (It works most of the time.) I hope I can have another relationship in the future, (probably with someone on the asexual spectrum, or a very understanding someone) but for now, I’m working on my art and learning about myself. I’ve gotten into meditation and find it super helpful!

P.S. GOOD LAWD I WROTE A LOT. Kudos and thank you to anyone who read the whole thing. If you are someone who relates, I’d love to talk to you and would welcome any messages/replies.

[Author]

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