Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Rob Jean Poker]

I discovered my asexuality when i just turned 50. I’m in a very good relationship for 10 years now, but the sex ended very early on as in my previous 4 relations. I simply couldn’t add up 1 and 1. Through media I learned I wasn’t as mad as I believed to be, so I came out to my partner, he recognised it as well.
I’m a physical person, I like touching and vice versa, but sexual exchange bores me very quickly, always have felt this way. Touching myself always has felt really good.
My sexuality is a fantasy thing and masturbation my tool. My libido is not too good, but activated by image once every 2 weeks. That’s it. I like the chase but resent the deed, even though I’ve proceeded since my 20th. Sexuality 1 2 3 is a procedure for me, not something I enjoy. But my fantasy starts spiralling out of control if imagery is spot on

[Rob Jean Poker]

I discovered my asexuality when i just turned 50. I’m in a very good relationship for 10 years now, but the sex ended very early on as in my previous 4 relations. I simply couldn’t add up 1 and 1. Through media I learned I wasn’t as mad as I believed to be, so I came out to my partner, he recognised it as well.
I’m a physical person, I like touching and vice versa, but sexual exchange bores me very quickly, always have felt this way. Touching myself always has felt really good.
My sexuality is a fantasy thing and masturbation my tool. My libido is not too good, but activated by image once every 2 weeks. That’s it. I like the chase but resent the deed, even though I’ve proceeded since my 20th. Sexuality 1 2 3 is a procedure for me, not something I enjoy. But my fantasy starts spiralling out of control if imagery is spot on

[TheTrueMelissa]

Hmm, I tried to post here, but it didn’t show up. Let’s see if this shorter comment will go through.

EDIT: Okay, so there’s some invisible limit to the comment length. I’ll try chunking.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by TheTrueMelissa.

[TheTrueMelissa]

PART 1

My introduction to sex came as a small child. I think I was seven. My brother molested me for a prolonged time. I eventually figured out how to foil him. I never completely forgot the memory as some childhood sex victims do, but I firmly didn’t think about it for years.

You know how in elementary school kids had play sweethearts? They had no physical interest in each other; they were imitating their elders. In middle school, when boys and girls began to pair up in earnest, I assumed it was still just handholding. It seemed absurd to me that people my own age would be groping and making out and so forth. Older people did that stuff.

I was a social outcast, so I didn’t have a lot of dating opportunities in high school. I wanted to date, because I wanted to be socially accepted, and it was a worry because I knew from popular media that boys would expect sex. They would want to kiss and grope and all that stuff guys wanted, and it sounded awful, but apparently it was the price of a relationship. I’d never heard the old saw that “marriage is the price a man pays for sex, and sex is the price a woman pays for marriage,” but I reached the same conclusion. I certainly didn’t want any of that stuff, so I figured that we paired dating with sex because girls liked dating and boys liked sex.

I thought the 1960s and earlier, when sex wasn’t expected until marriage, sounded nice. I briefly considered becoming a nun so I wouldn’t have to have sex, but it seemed like a poor career choice for an atheist.

During my freshman year of college, I was sexually attacked.

In my sophomore year, I decided to start having sex, since it was something adults had to do. Everyone kept saying they loved it so much, so maybe it was better than it sounded. I had sex many times, and it was exactly like it sounded: a painful and pointless violation of my body, and at best a messy waste of time.

[TheTrueMelissa]

Part 2

Also in college, I became aware of something else: lesbianism. Turned out even women weren’t safe; anyone at all might act friendly but just want sex. I explored feminism in the hope that a philosophy by and for women might be less sex-focused, but it really wasn’t.

I had to have sex to socialize at all, and I didn’t see any no-sex options anywhere I turned. In pure frustration, I went through a brief period of writing anti-sex graffiti on bathroom walls. This accomplished nothing, but it did relieve my feelings a bit.

I again tried to socialize without sex, but I quickly rediscovered that it was impossible, so I resumed sex. My body tried to protect me by developing vaginismus. This worked for years as a beautiful and inarguable excuse: I simply couldn’t have intercourse.

Life took a swerve when I fell in love. It had never happened before, but when I was twenty-nine I finally did. We knew each other for quite a while before we began dating. For the first few weeks of the relationship, I felt some desire for him. That didn’t last, but I remained in love, so I decided that I’d fix the vaginismus and provide the sex he wanted. Fortunately, his own desire was pretty low, so it wasn’t bad.

Unfortunately, other things were wrong. We had some good years and then some bad years, and I left after nineteen years. We formally divorced a few years later. We’re friendly co-parents to our adult son.

That’s the story so far, and I’m rediscovering how lonely it is out here. I would like to make some not-just-online friends. I would also like to date someone and have a relationship, if sex didn’t have to be involved. I am done with sex; my body is mine and that’s that.

I want to have a permanent life partner. That could be a BFF in a Kate and Allie situation, or it could be a pair bond with no sex. I want to have someone.

I shouldn’t have to have sex with someone just to have human company.

[Author]

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