November 15, 2018 at 10:54 am #30712
Such interesting stories!!! Particularly the anonymous ones ;).November 17, 2018 at 11:13 am #30721
I learned about asexuality after my first relationship. I never had the urge to have sex with my first bf, but I thought it was normal to be scared of having sex for the first time. He was very patient and didn’t force me to do anything, but after being in a relationships for months I felt like it would be time to have sex. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt like this is how relationships worked. I didn’t want him to think I am prude or that I didn’t love him. So we had sex and it was horrible. I remember beingt totally shocked that people can enjoy something like this. Did women just lie to their men about enjoying it while silently suffering?! I talked with some of my female friends and they told me it shouldn’t be like this, but they also said it was normal that the first time wasn’t enjoyable. So I tried again…and again…and again and it felt as bad as the first time. It was a really hard time for me, because I felt like I was broken. I felt unable to show my bf the love he deserved; I felt unable to enjoy sex while he did; I didn’t know how I could bear the pain while having sex any longer. I thought about breaking up with him to not have to have sex again, but at the same time I loved him, so why should I break up with him?!
In the end I figured there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe I didn’t love him but was lying to myself because I just didn’t felt attracted to him sexually. So I broke up with him. He couldn’t understand why and I couldn’t tell him because after the first times having sex I had stopped to tell him it hurts to not make him feel bad. We are still friends until today, but I never told him the truth.
When my lovesickness after the break-up got better I started to search the web for people like me. I thought I was mentally ill or smth like that. That’s when I first found AVEN and read about asexuality. It was such a relief that there are people like me and that it’s possible to love someone without being sexually attracted to him…and of course that I wasn’t mentally ill!
I now have lived a few years knowing about my sexual orientation and it helps understanding myself. Unfortunately it doesn’t help finding the right partner. I have had some partners after having found out I am asexual; but it was always the same: They needed sex, I couldn’t enjoy it, we both felt bad.December 23, 2018 at 1:34 am #30791
I discovered asexuality when I was about 15, and ever since then, slowly came into the acceptance that I just…didn’t like sex, at all. I know I’m relatively young (one of the youngest I’ve seen here!!!) but I feel strongly in my identity and have been going through a recent struggle of thinking maybe I should put aside my own happiness and boundaries for the sake of making possible future partners sexually happy, and my friends continued to tell me that this was an incredibly unhealthy mindset, so here I am! Hoping to find other people like me who can live and love without the need for sex 😀January 1, 2019 at 10:31 am #30803
Hallo, new user here.
I just turned 29 years old, live in Denmark and when people ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend yet my standard answer for many years has been. “I am asexual until further notice.”
The reason why… I never liked having sex. Ever.
When I was in my early twenties, everyone around me had sex and talked about how amazing it is, and I felt like I had to.
I got into foreplay with a guy, but didn’t like it, it felt uncomfortable, we never got into intercourse. It just, didn’t feel good at all.
Then I tried with a woman, maybe that would feel nicer? … No dice, I did not like it.
I stopped trying by then, i’ve gone my entire life without having any relationship what so ever. Instead I have focused on my passions.
Playing piano, writing stories, singing, doing theater and creating my own stuff.
I helped putting up performances and arrangements in my city, I played and sang at different places and well, I think I have done some pretty great things.
Still, the lack of a companion does get to me.
I am a bit of a hermit and live alone, I even have a cat I adore above all else. Being social for to long exhaust me.
Still… the older I get, the more I feel that loneliness. And I am becoming increasingly scared that I am going to grow old all alone.
Not even liking being touched has stopped me from having any relationship, I tried last summer where I went out with a guy. We had a fun time watching Deadpool 2 in cinema and so forth but ones it came to holding and kissing… I simply could not do it.
I was turned off, I had to walk away.
He was so nice and so sweet, but I couldn’t do it.
I have pretty much accepted that I am never going to have a family, I am never going to have children, I may never even get a companion. It hurts though.
I suppose… All I can do is to keep doing what I have done. Fill my life with all this other stuff which is special to me.
Books, movies, games, theater, cosplay, music, dancing, animals, walks in nature. I enjoy all of these things greatly.
It still sucks… it hurts. I don’t even lack admires really, but…I can’t give any of them what is needed to be in a relationship. I can’t give them that physical comfort they need, it makes me uncomfortable and I have to get out.
Anyone else whom can relate at all?
January 2, 2019 at 6:41 am #30810
- This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by DorkyDane.
My story is also quite strange. I thought I was gay all throughout high school, because I wasn’t attracted to women in that way. I just couldn’t understand. I took sex Ed in school, and fully understood what it was supposed to be like, but alas no sexual attraction to women. Then when I started dating men I was even more confused. No sexual attraction toward them either. I stumbled upon the term asexual two years ago. It fit me like a glove. I consider myself to be panromantic. I have fallen in love with people who identify as men, women, and other gender identities. I am a sex neutral asexual. I don’t find it disgusting, but it doesn’t appeal to me either. I am still a virgin at 38 years old. I just don’t see myself doing it. Also I am intergendered. I feel as though I am a combination of both male and female. At age 10 I told my parents I wanted to be a girl. They of course freaked out. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the topic, but it’s me in a nutshell. I am quite a physical person. I don’t like kissing. But hugging, cuddling, massaging, touching just melts me. I am also polyamorous. My perfect relationship would be with both someone who is male, and someone who is female. But not at the same time. I have been told that I give great massages. My touch is electric.Both men and women have their pros and cons. To be protected with men, and to be the protector with women. And of course no sex with either. It’s hard finding people who don’t want sex. Sometimes I start making out with either a girl or guy just because I want to please them. But it doesn’t last too long. I get bored,and loose interest. Then the argument comes up why I stopped. Forever lonely? I really need an asexual partner. But for an asexual guy to find an asexual girl is quite difficult. The women either don’t respond or maybe think I am lying. Maybe? Not too sure about this one. But I am a great guy. I don’t get jealous. You can do what you want. Communication is key. Heck if you’re polyamorous too that’s ok. Just communication is key. I will let you do your thing.January 8, 2019 at 7:34 am #30834
I first heard the term when I was 14, but didn’t really understand the concept until I was 17 or 18 when I saw season 4 of Bojack Horseman. The character Todd comes out as asexual in that season. It made me question my sexuality, but I wasn’t entirely convinced. It wasn’t until a few months later when I had sex for the first time that I knew for certain that I was asexual. I knew I had to be ace when I just wasn’t getting any pleasure out of sex, in fact, I was getting more exhausted than anything.January 21, 2019 at 1:52 pm #30844
For me I never thought much about girls or sex when I was at school. And when I came out as I still didn’t quite fit in. My friends were talking about sex all the time and having one night stands and friends with benefits. Both boyfriends I have had enjoyed a high higher sex drive than me.
Sex has always been daunting and effort and bottom of my priority list. I’m happy with just kissing, cuddling and mutual masturbation. Oral and anal don’t interest me much. I think lack of confidence and low sex drive didn’t help. That’s not to say I don’t watch porn occasionally or have fetishes because I do. Which is why for me knowing where I fit in has never been easy.
I have friends that mean the world to me but I think it’s time I had a partner of my own now. I’ve been single for about ten years. I’m hoping this website will be able to answer some of these questions for me. And help me to find someone special. Thanks for reading.
February 18, 2019 at 6:04 pm #30877
- This reply was modified 9 months ago by Jason Tillman.
i discovered i was asexual when i was 19 years old. I alway thought i was just ”hard-to-get” or something.
But after never having any interest in anything sexual, i started to wonder. Or rather I thought somehting was wrong with me until i heard about aexuality!
This finally explained to me what i was feeling sexuality-wise.
I was so happy with my discovery. Unfortunatly this meant for me that normal relationships were out of the window, as I am sex-repulsed.
I only found this site today as I am looking for more ace people~!February 24, 2019 at 10:28 pm #30891
I have always know I wasn’t the same as everyone else my best friend was 13 he was bi I was 10 we talked a lot about how different we were it was in the 70’s you weren’t allowed to be different i tried sex it was awful several times and got pregnant lol I married my best friend it was probably the perfect marriage we did have sex a few times and it wasn’t pleasant for either of us he was amazing he fell in love with a man and we divorced I did try and marry again to a sexual man he knew I didn’t have a sex drive I just thought I was broken I tried but after arguments about sex knew I couldn’t make it work I have been alone sense I love holding hands even light kissing hug and cuddling is great but Not sex. It’s only been resent that I saw it in line I realized that’s me.February 26, 2019 at 3:02 am #30896
I’m only here because the stupid AVEN mods kicked me out.
Anyway, my name’s Kel, I’m 23, I live in Canada, and I’m heteroace.March 4, 2019 at 10:40 am #30909
I was living in the Atlantic for a while before settling in Canada. It’s really cold here.March 19, 2019 at 3:14 am #30935
I never went through a boy craze during puberty. I tried dating twice in college but those brief relationships just filled me with anxiety. I’m fine forgoing physical intimacy with others. I have no desire and don’t think sex is worth the risks- as woman, we have too much to lose.June 7, 2019 at 7:11 am #31076
I am 27 and currently in my first relationship ever never had desire to try earlier only tried dating online starting a year ago on pof. Nothing ever worked. Wasn’t till my sister and her boyfriend set me up with a man on a blind date that I began making a friendship and for a year it has grown slowly moving in to this direction. Now that we are in one I have recently discovered that I AM asexual when we tried oral. Let’s say I felt nothing but turned off and scared by everything and I told him this. He tried to stimulate me during this and couldn’t. I always suspected but it wasn’t till then that I knew for sure. Now I am trying to allow him to do things that make me uncomfortable and have no effect. I am only doing it for him is this wrong? I love him but he can come on strong even with intimacy. I find it hard to keep up. Yes I am still a virgin. Just looking for advice on this, and wondering if this might be too much compromise. Sorry if the is too much information.
June 7, 2019 at 4:47 pm #31078
- This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by Nichole Landen.
Nichole, if any of us had the answers, we wouldn’t be here, it sounds like your boy is really trying though, poor lad, if you’re asexual, well, you just are, it’s not a fault or a thing to feel bad about.August 12, 2019 at 9:40 pm #31187
Some stories are harder to write than others but I’ll keep mine as simple as possible.
I’m 42 years old and I feel like a loser as I haven’t had that special someone in my life pretty much all my life…which is a bit embarrassing to say the least.
Yes, I had sex, actually a lot of sex, only had 2 people in my life, one for almost 20 years and one for 4 years…even though I had a lot of sex I always felt miserable because there was things that I was missing…friendship, companionship, communication, etc etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I am loyal to a fault and I don’t cheat nor lie, both relationships ended because they were very abusive psychologically.
Everyone obviously tells me to get out there and get laid, I have no interest in that, none whatsoever, I don’t want to date different people, I don’t want to go out everyday with a different woman, what I want is to find that special someone to hold hands with, to have a conversation with, to sit next to me and watch a movie.
I would love to find someone who I was attracted to, both physically and mentally, someone who likes to kiss, who likes to hug, who likes to hold hands, someone who will be by my side for the rest of my days.
Tired of being alone and of being lonely so hopefully this site will help me make a couple friends and maybe who knows, maybe, just maybe I’ll find my special someone here.August 15, 2019 at 4:44 am #31195
My situation is a bit different in that I became less interested in sex over time.
September 9, 2019 at 12:54 pm #31219
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by Glenn.
Female, 44. Used to be fairly sexual when I was in my 20s, but over time started valuing intimacy over sex. Unfortunately, society as a whole seems to value sex over intimacy, and I tend to become a little reclusive if I receive to many advances. I get downright angry if someone intimates that I owe sex in exchange for something else.
I’m still fairly active in both BDSM and Swinger communities, in that I show up and admire scenes or people, flirt and snuggle and kiss. I often enjoy being an observer, but rarely want to participate in anything that requires sexual contact. (I’m more likely to participate in non-sexual scenes and activities that allow me to pet and kiss without being touched.)
I am a BBW, and have no issues with my own appearance – I’m comfortable and confident, although suffer bouts of insecurity if someone is particularly judgemental. I enjoy travel – but prefer less commercial activities. I enjoy road trips, especially. I hope to own an RV as travel to all the national parks someday.
I’m definitely more gray than A, and have described myself as Demi since I heard the term last year. I’ve always been quite content in long-distance relationships where communication was high and physical contact was low. I also have had several long term FWB relationships that weren’t sexual, but provided comfort through snuggles, companionship, and general non-physical intimacy. In much the same manner, I’ve been a “third” to a few marriages – we develop long-term friendships in which I add a little excitement with a low level of actual sexual contact.
I crave companionship often, but tend to shy away from people in general. I have a lot of friends both offline and online, but tend to keep my social circle small.
I was hoping to find a more active social group to meet other asexual folks all along the scale, but this place seems pretty empty/quiet.October 5, 2019 at 5:26 am #31256
I’m a biologist doing a research on asexual animals for a number of years 🙂 This is a very common phenomenon in nature, actually, and there are many ways for animals and plants how to trick the universal law that genes should be exchanged between male and female individuals. So, I’m happy that finally humans stopped to see asexuality as something completely wrong and inapropriate.
From the personal perspective, I was always wondering why if I got feelings, emotions to someone (not only romantic, but friendly, like genuine sympathy to the people of the same sex), people (especially guys) were perceiving it as sexual desire. How the hell could I have sexual desire to friends, parents or infants? Or why should it be connected to sex if I’m just ‘platonically’ in love with someone?
For the last 7 years I’m living in Czech Republic, a European country where sex is perceived as something very crucial, like food or water (no wonder they’ve got the highest number of porn stars per million of citizens). In the same time, those sex-obsessed people devaluate any positive emotions, considering sympathy or love as bullshit ‘for kids or grandmothers’.
That’s choking, really. That’s not how I see the world, and I’m very happy that here there are people who see the world differently.October 17, 2019 at 10:44 pm #31274
I’ve only had a few relationships in my life. I discovered after my first boyfriend that I didn’t like sex all that much. We eventually had sex after we broke up but I don’t seem to enjoy it all that much. I have had many men try to teach me about sex but each time we get close to doing the deed, I chicken out. I guess if I found the right person I wouldn’t mind having sex once in awhile but it’s not a huge priority.
My last bf was pretty asexual as well so it worked really well for us. I was really heartbroken when we broke up.
I do like intimacy like kissing and cuddling. That’s enough to make me happy. I would like to find a lifelong companion.
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