WHO HERE IS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS AND COMMITTED NO SEX RELATIONSHIP?

[Dan]

I fully relate to Jeannette’s and Mara’s (and others’) needs and pains as they’ve expressed. Being an ace for me has been a very lonely life, unbearably and increasingly so.

[Dan]

I’ve also considered seeking counseling but haven’t acted on it yet. Here is a list of questions to ask counselors to see if they are sympathetic to aces:

How much of your higher education has been allocated to the topic of asexuality?
How much do you know about asexuality?
What are your assumptions about asexuality?
Do you believe that asexuality is some kind of a discrepancy or deficiency within an individual?
Do you believe that without sexual relations individuals cannot form a true, intimate, and lasting relationship?
How would you respond to a client, who states that he or she is asexual?

Source: https://www.counseling.org/news/aca-blogs/aca-member-blogs/aca-member-blogs/2014/08/26/asexuality

[Dan]

This advice to therapists might also be of interest.

Advice for Therapists of Asexual Clients

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Dan.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Dan.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Dan.

[Sandra]

Hi Dan

It was a counsellor who told me I needed to have sex in order to keep a good guy!! That is how I discovered asexuality by myself, because I Googled I love kissing but not sex. I was horrified they said this to me.

The thing is, none of us actually need counselling because there is not a problem with us, it’s because there is a lack of asexuals near to where we live usually and it is hard to find someone compatible. People have to be prepared to travel or move to be with someone, or find another asexual who is willing to travel or move to them, if they can find someone compatible. Even asexual dating compatibility is tough. As asexuality gets more recognised as an orientation and more people come out, we will have more chance. Until then, all we can do is work on ourselves and fill our life with friends, interests, hobbies and career, and lots of self-dating, self-love and self-care.

I do asexual one-to-one quirky mentoring and coaching as a paid for service, (not counselling), which people have been coming to me and asking for, as it is not something I have advertised apart from a mention on my site, but more people are wanting more in-depth help about asexuality. And anyone can contact on http://www.facebook.com/acexualise or [email protected] if they want to know more about that. But I am not a counsellor or qualified therapist or medical practitioner. I do hold a Level 4 Diploma IAG qualification (Information, Advice and Guidance), and have done a basic counselling skills course and weekend life coaching course. I also have a PTTLS Level 4 Teacher/Trainer qualification and used to teach social media for the recovery of mental ill health for the NHS!! But I am not a counsellor, I offer advice, knowledge, and experience of personal and professional development since 2012.

I would like to say to all asexuals, just remember, there are thousands of asexuals out there, it is just finding a compatible one and either moving or finding a mover. I hold asexual meet-ups in the UK, some people will travel miles to come to them, one guy who is a full-time student, and has 2 part-time jobs, travelled 11 hours on a coach just to come to my last meet and booked into a B&B, others will say it’s too far to come (who live in the UK). You only get out what you put in, and those who say it’s too far and only look to find someone in their city, and then wonder why nothing happens and they can’t find someone, should realise they have to travel – there is a quote that says “if you keep doing the same thing, you will always get the same results”. I want to say to all asexuals, no one can change your life but you. One of my asexual friends, travelled to a different meet almost every week of the year for months last year, and finally he has an asexual girlfriend and he is in love and the happiest he has been in his life!! It requires work, effort and time!! He put so much effort in, was persistent and consistent in his efforts, that it paid off in the end!! One of my other asexual friends is travelling to meets around the country to try and find someone – he lives in my city and I met him at one of my meets and he is a friend, but we are not compatible romantically at all, and not each other’s type. He has found someone not in his city who he is interested in and they him, but due a health condition she has, he has to look elsewhere too – he will not give up, so I know he will find someone.

I have not found the right asexual guy yet, or even one who comes close, since 2014. But that is okay. Yes, I would like a heteroromantic to kiss and cuddle, without sex, but until I meet a good guy for me in person or online in the beginning – I will just enjoy my life and career. I am changing this year and looking for a guy who is in the UK, whereas before I was mainly looking outside, as I don’t get that much attracted to British guys, but I met a foreign one (born in the UK though), at my last meet, but he wants kids and I don’t! So we can only be friends.

Sandra xx

[Ofer]

I am!

looking for serious asexual, romantic relationship..
and Hi everyone 🙂

[Sandra]

Hi Ofer

Really nice too meet you. I sent you a friend’s request. I live in the UK. Nice to have you as part of the ace team here.

Sandra

[Rebecca]

Hello.

I’m interested in a serious sex-free relationship. Perhaps not right now, as far as my mental health stands, but eventually, yes, definitely. Sandra, whereabouts are your meetups? I live in London. Also I don’t have Facebook, not sure if that’s going to be a problem.

[Sandra]

Hi Rebecca,

My meet-ups are in my city of Exeter in Devon. Some people stay in hotels or B&Bs. I had a one last month and hold them about every 3 months.

No problem as I can contact you on here if you would like me to, when the next one is. Send me a friends request if you like and I have a group for Exeter meet-ups on here so usually post in there too, nearer the time.

Sandra

[Rebecca]

Hi Sandra,
Thanks for getting back to me.

I’m looking for work at the moment so I’m not sure when I’d be settled enough to come, but it does sound very interesting. I’ll send you a friend request, and join the group for the alerts. If I have any questions, I hope you won’t mind answering.

R

[Sandra]

Hi Rebecca

That is fab, and of course I don’t mind answering your questions.

I saw you have joined my group and if you still want to add me as a friend feel free.

xx

[Dan]

Oh sure, Sandra. Limit your meetup group to local Londoners, why don’t you. What about us foreigners, those of us in far-flung lands? What, so you think you’re better than us, you won’t even send us plane tix to come to London, not even for a couple hours (and then return)? Alright, then. Carry on. But someday, someday, you just might think locally but act globally. Until then…..be that way. Hmmph !!

Just joking. 🙂

Seriously, a few years ago, I did attend a local, Washington DC asexual meetup, but I didn’t feel comfortable there. That was partially due to age differences, but only partially. People didn’t have much to say to each other. But maybe I should give it another try.

[Sandra]

Hi Dan

My meet-ups are not in London but Exeter, and people travel to them, without me paying them as they WANT to come, and are happy to pay to come see me and have my company and those of other awesome aces. Anyone is welcome to pay their own travel and accommodation to come, regardless of where they live in the world. One guy travelled all the way from Newcastle on a coach that took him 11 hours to get to my city, that was just one way, and he paid for a B&B and everyone pays for their own food. I am sure if a student working 2 part time jobs, can be well organised like that and pay his own way, then so can anyone else. It is all a matter of prioritisation, saving up, and how much you want that human connection, to make real offline asexual friends and actually get to feel the warmth from that in person contact. Another guy comes from Worcester on a train and stays in a hotel every single time. He has more than one mental illness and does not work because of it. Again, if he can do it, I am sure others can. People can put in the time and effort or make up excuses and put the responsibility onto someone else, we all have a choice.

There is a guy who is on here and lives in the UK, he says it’s too far to come, and it’s a shame we don’t live nearer so he can date me. Why would I want to date someone who is not prepared to put in the effort? To meet other aces you have to be willing to travel and either to move or find a mover.

Sandra

[Anonymous]

I subscribed for this site looking for exactly that. I want a good proper relationship just without sex. I wasn’t able to find anyone in my daily life because the ‘no sex’ thing is usually a deal breaker so other Asexuals sound ideal. I still want someone to share my life with. To go to the zoo together and watch stupid movies and hopefully someday marry/live together and do grocery shopping together and be annoyed about the other drinking directly from the milk carton etc. Just the normal life but without sex. I sincerely hope to find someone like that some day.

[Joshua]

I am so glad to see this kind of group openness, sharing, exposing of who we are and want to be because it is who we are, how we are built, wired, made. And that is 100% fine! Sexual drive and desire as with anything is a spectrum from nymphomaniacs who can’t get enough and take it to unhealthy levels all the way to what most of us would be, those with little to no desire for sex at all.

I find it odd that despite this being so for all things in the human world from weight, height, sight, hunger, appetite, thirst, taste etc….people understand and accept the huge flux of differences we have for things. Yet when its sex, it seems odd, strange, wrong, broken…..to lack sexual desire. In some cases sure its hormonal, traumatic, psychological etc….but for us in the predicted 1-2% around the world (720,000) or more, we are just what evolution made us to be. For better or worse it is who we are and I feel that sharing our stories and accepting them, owning them, is what gives us the voice and strength we need and deserve to have for who we are.

I myself am looking for a sexual contact based serious relationship now more than ever since moving and getting settled in St Louis with my own place and new job. Its harder than planned as most sites I am on like MATCH do not lend 100% well for a guy who wants a serious relationship with little to no sex. This my being here and hoping to find local woman seeking the same kinds of things I am.

If we both seek the same thing with values of the relationship on the same level for the same principles then nothing is broken, needs fixed etc. We can have a 100% fulfilling life of love, romance, companionship, partnership etc…..without the pressure, oddity or disagreement on what we desire from the other.

I hope to find what it seems many of you are also seeking in a partner. I find that the idea of adult loneliness, complete independence, lack of companionship now more than ever, bothers me too much to let it go much longer. I see so many others in relationships and the joy it brings them, the bond they have. I want that myself more than ever before.

Asexual, gay, straight, bi, trans…..whatever…no one should feel robbed or restricted from that feeling, ever.

[Sharon]

Serious and committed no sex LTR? In theory, yes, absolutely, sign me up.

In practice, I’ve been on my own for so long, I’m used to it. I imagine bringing someone into my life in a real mutually codependent relationship might require a certain amount of adjustment. But I’m willing to give it a shot, for the right person.

[Lahkesis]

I do , almost giving up though

[Mara Copland]

I feel you.

I went through OkCupid and Plenty of Fish and removed any mention of being asexual just so *someone* will say something.

I pretended to be straight until my early 20s. I can surely pretend to be a normal lesbian. I’m not gonna find an ace girl, so if I have to pretend just to have someone…

It’s hard to be positive when you’re too miserable to get out of bed some days.

[Sandy]

I have joined several groups but couldn’t find anyone because I just don’t want sex and that seemed to be what everyone wants. I am tired of faking it-I refuse to even have a relationship if I have to have sex.I get lonely and miss cuddling up or be close to some one to watch a movie. I like what most sexual people like except the sex. I am not looking for marriage but would be in a committed relationship.

[Sandra]

Hi Joshua,

Yeah, I agree, it stands to reason that not everyone will like, want, or need sex. Even logical, that not everyone will want it, because not one person wants everything the same as any other, and not everyone will want that one thing.

When you say you are looking for a ‘sexual’ contact relationship. What do you mean?

It is hard to find a suitable asexual person living near to you, so I worked out you either have to be a mover or prepared to travel, or find a mover. I am a non-mover and I love my flat and am happy in my home here.

Sandra

[Mara Copland]

Yeah, I’m a member of a bunch of ace sites. I was a member of a local group here too but I left because I didn’t fit in.

It just doesn’t seem like anyone wants me. Well, straight guys want me, but I don’t want them.

I want the same thing you do, Sandy. Like.. legit Netflix and Chill.

[Author]

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