January 7, 2017 at 4:37 pm #28193
Yes, everyone comes with some baggage. I would be suspicious of someone who said they didn’t.
It’s the heavy baggage (still hung up on their ex, blaming their asexuality on their mother’s bodyshaming etc) that I’m expected to fix or co-carry, I’m just not cut out for that and then it comes across as ‘not caring’. I don’t expect everyone to have lived problem/stress free to this point but like you say, it’s how they deal with it.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve always carried my own baggage, it’s not for someone else to carry or fix. I have depression but I’m pro-active, I don’t just sit and wait for someone to come along and ‘fix’ it for me.
I am comfortable in my own skin, too. I don’t need to look at ‘what made me asexual’ or try to find the missing gene that makes me so.
But I also want a partner that makes asexuality first and foremost in the relationship. This was one of the things that I couldn’t explain to my ex is that just because something was happening in the pride community doesn’t mean I need to participate. There were dances…I hate dances. I don’t like much contemporary music, I’m hearing impaired so once the music starts I can’t converse with anyone, they’re just lonely for me. But she had this ‘but this isn’t just any dance, it’s Pride!” So…like…I’ll be able to hear at a Pride dance?
January 8, 2017 at 10:32 am #28203
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Cijay Morgan.
Yes people do come with baggage its a lonely journey being ace in many ways,however despite the confusion and disapointment in younger years, I always had a pretty full life as I have a lot of Interests,Sigmund Freud called it sublimation I think?if your not interested in sex you channel your drives into other things to fill the gap! thats sertainly been true of my.I must say though Ace dating is very tough harder than conventional dating,many people stay in the comfort zone of being single,its a shame as im sure many Aces would be happier dating/married.January 8, 2017 at 4:58 pm #28206
I actually never found it to be too lonely, maybe I’m a bit of a loner anyway, hard to tell if they’re connected.
I didn’t really see the absence of sexual attraction as leaving a gap anywhere or giving me extra time for other things. It’s like – I can’t whistle but don’t think that gives me more time for singing (which is fortunate because I can’t say that what I do can be called singing).
I have found the dating to be hard though, too. Mostly for the ‘false starts’ of them deciding afterwards that they’re not asexual or expecting me to ‘compromise’ and have sex only once in awhile. (That’s not compromising, that is submission. I realise it’s semantics but it’s an important word.) So every once in awhile I just give up for about six months (this time was a bit longer as there was a string of family deaths) then checkout and see if there are any new faces my age.January 9, 2017 at 5:30 pm #28209AnonymousInactive
I am really upset on the fact that i take this forum as a way to interact with people and truly find someone to spend my life with, but the problem is atleast for a guy its hard to get heard here …. its another facebook of a sort …January 9, 2017 at 8:18 pm #28210
It can be a bit demoralizing Adil however I have chatted to some really nice people who are Ace on here.Many people live to far away to meetup with though unfortunately,I have only met one ace woman so far,there was one other who I could have met but I was too slow of the mark so that was my fault.The main problem is we are a small subculture in human nature I think I read 1 in every 100 people are asexual so it is tough to find a partner.good luck..January 10, 2017 at 2:42 am #28211
Sorry for the loss of your EX.January 10, 2017 at 2:46 am #28212
Yeah, some asexuals emotionally cheat and some flirt with a lot of girls for example and it’s like well – thanks, I am just another number then!! I am a monogamous person.January 10, 2017 at 2:51 am #28213
I think that person with baggage is not right for you and is not happy with themselves.
So far I have not taken part in any pride events. If it was just for asexuals I might but I don’t actively take part in the LGBT community as I am not LGBT, but has sexual and gay and lesbian friends.
Good for you for now wallowing in your depression. That is acesome.
SandraJanuary 10, 2017 at 2:53 am #28214
I have to agree with almost all of what you said. I think we do use our energy and fill our time with other stuff and the ace dating scene is very tough. Although I never ant to get married or live with someone – I desire romance but in separate living places.
SandraJanuary 10, 2017 at 2:57 am #28215
I mostly get attracted to foreign romantic ace guys – but not many of those in the UK and I don’t want to move. I don’t want sex, marriage or kids either, or to live together, which almost all guys do – especially as it’s in foreign guys culture to do this and I am unconventional for there UK – let alone foreign culture. I do not want join household bills or responsibilities, no cooking or cleaning for anyone else but the minimal for myself. I want a fun and loved-up loving forever relationship – not all that boring and horrid stuff!!January 10, 2017 at 5:15 am #28216
Thats pretty much the same as me
a very open sort of dating and living together if we get to that stage,but very open so you can go off and do your own thing,not as constrained as a conventional marrage.January 12, 2017 at 1:51 am #28225AnonymousInactive
I am most certainly looking for a serious relationship (no sex). One that will eventually lead to marriage and maybe a family of my own. I thought I had a very good shot at that with my last girlfriend, but turns out she wanted a poly relationship and kinda forgot to mention it to me. It hurt a hell of a lot, but I still want that partner to spend my life with. I’m here to find that person, God willing.January 12, 2017 at 7:09 am #28227
Right lets get married then! No excuses,actually you live in the states and I live in U.K that is a pretty good excuse,nevermind good luck anyway:)January 12, 2017 at 11:57 am #28228
I get what you mean but I love living on my own and don’t want a conventional relationship at all.January 12, 2017 at 12:02 pm #28229
That is so tough. I am a mongamous person and a few months ago I met a pan foreign guy in the UK online and we instantly hit it off but sadly he is poly and that was a bummer – but I found this out early so now it is a question I ask all bi and pan people especially. Most heteros are usually monogamous.January 12, 2017 at 12:08 pm #28230
I like my own company also,must admit although its nice chatting to everybody im not having too much luck meeting ace people,I may have to go back to dreaded ‘normal’ dating sites for a time,and setting myself up for a fall more than likely,I usually look for women who have no kids and have been single for years in the vague chance we have similar issues! ha ha.January 13, 2017 at 12:31 am #28233
Heavy baggage…that is, again I say. Everyone has baggage and uh, no, she was not happy with herself…or by herself…or if someone had more baggage than she did…or anything LOL. (This graduated over time BTW.)
Our church is in the Pride parade every year here, it’s just so beautiful. I just love the colour and smiles. When you’re walking up the route and you look up the way and there’s all the flags and colour, it’s so cheerful!January 17, 2017 at 12:51 am #28250charisma adamsSpectator
i thought i was heteroromantic but then i fell in love with a girl a while back. so im not sure now to be honest. i do however know im sure that i want a serious relationship with no sex.January 17, 2017 at 3:55 am #28252
I have 9 asexuals coming to my next asexual meet-up in Exeter – 6 guys and 3 girls including me. You will most likely have to travel to meet other aces. 2 guys are staying in overnight accommodation as they live far away. One me and one girl actually lives in Exeter – everyone else is travelling.
It would seem a lot of ace guys would rather put themselves through the emotional turmoil of traditional dating that will never make them happy, because they are not prepared to travel or go for a long distance relationship – quite a lot of guys don’t seem to want to make the effort of phoning, Skyping and texting – much – maybe it’s because they are ‘older’ in their outlook and picked up bad habits along the way. That is another reason why I usually go for much younger guys, they are prepared to make much more of an effort in this regard, wheres guys who are 30+ that ‘I’ have been talking to seem to all be like this!!
Most guys want marriage and kids – no me.
I also do have to say though with a LD – I personally look for someone who would want to eventually move, because I know I don’t want to – I love exactly where I live and it’s the best place ever for me. Love me life so much and do not want that to change!January 17, 2017 at 3:56 am #28253
You still sound like you are on the ace spectrum at least. Why would you think you are not ace??
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