WHO HERE IS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS AND COMMITTED NO SEX RELATIONSHIP?

[Sandra]

Hi Annika – I think there are more women than guys, so maybe why it is tougher – and I am very unconventional anyway.

[David]

The answer is yes, I have been looking for a romantic normal relationship without sex for years now and fear it is never going to happen. Most people are sexual and im not willing to compromise and have sex with somebody just to have that connection anymore. Ive done it in the past and it hasnt been a good thing for the relationship on either end. I love the thought of love, growing with somebody and experiencing life with them and to have somebody to fight my battles with but its hard to find other people in the same boat that are actually asexual that i can be with. its hard enough finding people who are asexual in my area let alone feeling that connection with them.

[Sammie]

I am looking for a sex-free long term relationship. I have never had sex, and never intend to, so I would only consider dating another asexual. I am on a few asexual dating sites, but they all seem awfully quiet.

[Sandra]

Hi David

I think you need to think about travelling to meet other aces. Too difficult else.

Sandra

[Sandra]

Hi Steve,

That is great. There are quite a few romantic guys on here in London – most guys I am attracted to on here are homoromantics. Is London near to you? Do you proactively approach people via PM?

Sandra

[Sandra]

Hi David

I forgot to say, yeah, I understand about finding someone who is genuinely asexual – it’s tough!!

Sandra

[Sammie]

I live about 20 miles north of London (in Potters Bar, Hertfordshire), so it’s not long on the train. I have been to one asexual meet up in London via Facebook, but that group doesn’t have many meet ups, as far as I am aware they only had two in the whole of 2016.

I have messaged a few people on here so far, but it does seem very quiet.

I am panromantic, so I don’t mind what gender my partner is, just as long as they are asexual and want a sex-free long term relationship.

[Sandra]

Hi Steve

I noticed you have not filled in your ‘about me’ section or what ‘I am looking for’ section – that will help others if you do that. People need to know more about you in order to see if they can relate to you and have things in common. If you trust people with more information, then they are likely to trust you. I write a long essay and job description, but simple bullet points will no doubt work best, with a short and sweet description.

I remember on Facebook you don’t like much kissing (snogging for example) this is very important for compatibility.

Good luck x

[Sammie]

Thank you, I shall fill out my bio more fully. I always struggle with what to put, but sure I will think of something. Thanks for the help. x

[Anonymous]

For me the whole purpose of joining this site was to find someone for whom sex wasn’t the primary driving force behind the relationship in those initial stages. I’m looking for someone to share life with. To be honest with you, I’m not holding out much hope but that’s okay to.

[Sandra]

You are welcome Steve x

[Sandra]

Hi Tristan

I don’t see why you would not get some one, you are presentable and like to learn stuff.

I tend to get attracted to guys in their 20s and foreign – so living in the UK, that makes things slightly more difficult and I love my home so won’t move.

Sandra

[Anonymous]

Thanks Sandra. I really appreciate your answer.
I’m new to this whole experience in regards to building relationships that don’t have sex as a key component. One of my concerns is that without sex where does that gut wrenching, primal, base connection that is part of the mix of emotions we call Love and still really important to me in a relationship come from? Do we instead chose people because they are “presentable” because if that’s so I’m out if I can’t connect with people on a deeper level.
Apologies if this comes across as a rant, it’s really not supposed to, it’s just something I’m worried about and think that I’ll never have as I can’t connect emotionally through sex.

[Sandra]

Hi Tristan

Where do you fall on the asexual spectrum? And what brought you to this site? (You can PM me if you Need to). This is important for my understanding of your situation and why you feel like that.

For me, as a born asexual but did not realise it at the time, I do not have that ‘primal base instinct with sex’ because I don’t ever look at a guy and think I want sex with you. I never associate sex with love or emotional connection – in fact sex can leave me feeling awful emotionally and disconnected from deep love. Sex is not love but just one form of physical expression of love that some like to do and some don’t. You may want to check out my channel http://www.youtube.com/c/asexualisemyasexuallife – I talk about what is the difference between love and sex in a video. I also have a site http://www.asexualise.com and am working hard to finish my Asexual Perspectives, Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration Of Asexual Diversity book to be published by Christmas.

For me personally, I am a bit of a niche asexual, I don’t experience the sexual attraction like most asexuals but I also don’t experience platonic attraction which is very unusual. But the majority of other attractions I do. So I experience aesthetic, intelligence, romantic, spiritual, creative, emotional and clothes attractions. I personally get my physicality through lots of passionate kissing.

I actually was advising another ace guy in a PM only two days ago about how to form that deep emotional bond with someone – in the virtual world. (And I said I think this is what my next book for asexuals that I write will be about.) As a virtual world is predominantly what asexuals tend to live in as it’s hard to find asexuals to meet up with in person. Then when you meet them in person – that adds another layer of emotional bond. Some asexuals have a 100% virtual partner relationship – as I like kissing a lot and hugging/cuddling, I would need the person to want to move near me but not live with me so I could not do that 100% virtual relationship.

You form the emotional bond in a word by ‘talking’. Simple huh! But so often overlooked and the ‘art’ of taking/communication is just that, an acquired skill.

Traditionally in gender roles, men love through the pysical – sex,women love through an emotional connection – it’s this emotional connection that men need to master to have the most amazing deep bond with their partner. In a virtual world you need to use multiple technologies to do this. Message,phone,Skype dating. You need to speak to the person as if you are interested in them as a person – their personality and as if they are your bestest friend. Ask questions, be interested, find someone who you share hobbies and interests with and whom you talk with as your best ever friend. Think how you interact with your best male friend and then how you interact with women up until now! Assuming you have more guy friends than female. You should be able to talk open and honestly about anything and everything with your potetial woman, the more open you are, the more attentive you are, the more focused on them as a person whom you admire, respect and fine fascinating, the deeper the bond will become. So guys who are asexual need to be more like the emotionally connected female in a traditional heteronormative relationship. It’s a bit like letting more of your feminine side out while still being a man. Think ‘best buddy with tenderness’ to a woman.

I hope that helps you. I do Quirky Coaching btw http://www.quirkycoaching.co.uk If you ever need more in-depth one-to-one help.

When I said you look presentable, I was being diplomatic as I don’t get attracted to older guys and usually only always foreign and often with coloured skin.

So if I was attracted to older guys who are not foreign and if you were my type, which in terms of aesthetics you aren’t, I guess you would be considered as handsome. And as I do experience clothes attraction – I find a suit on a guy to be a very attractive thing. We also have a lot in common with interests, so I too listen, watch and learn about personal and professional development stuff, I am an entrepreneur, Author and writer, Mentor/Coach, T-Shirt desiner and seller amongst other things and had training with some top entrepreneurs through courses and seminars since 2012, So I understand that mindset.

Wishing you lots of dating success and a beautiful day.

Sandra

[danny]

Must admit its a loverly idea,imagine being in an emotionally loving safe asexual relashionship,im personally grey asexual so snuggling infront of the Tv kissing/cuddling is fine,but there is no need for the disappointment and expectation of intercourse,which many of us have had to endure in our younger years.My experience would suggest people without’normal’ sexual attraction just arnt drawn to each other in quite the same way?I think it is a shame though think of the safety and feeling of being valued by somebody special.

[Sandra]

Hi Danny

You make it sound so loving and so beautiful and it’s good you are like that. Not all asexuals are as nice at that and some emotinally cheat but that doesn’t stop me wanting an ace relationship, it just makes it harder.

Sqndra

[Cijay Morgan]

I definitely would like a serious, committed relationship but it can’t just be based on asexuality. That’s the most important but there are other things – like I hate clinginess and heavy baggage. Of course it has been hard growing up Ace, we all know that but I want someone who is happy to identify as such and doesn’t worry about what happened for the past 40 years of her life.

[Sandra]

I personally love identifying as ace. I think everyone comes with some baggage, it’s how they deal with it that matters.

[danny]

Thats a good point,how you approach being Ace its been a long journey for me personally but im pretty comfortable in my own skin these days.I find getting a non judgemental social crowd helps,this can take time but its worth it in the end, gently weeding out the dead wood!

I wasnt aware some Aces emotionally cheat?thats a different take on somebody sexually cheating at any rate!

[Cijay Morgan]

I think my mother was Ace, actually. It’s not that aces aren’t sexual beings, they just don’t experience the attraction. I wish I could introduce you to my ex because she would have been a great mother (she passed away but after we were broken up) and wanted kids so badly. She just didn’t tell me that ’til long after we started dating as she told me in the beginning she didn’t want children. She would have been a great mom.

I know a lot of same sex couples who are raising kids and obviously THEY got their kids by other means, so it’s not out of the question.

Good luck, don’t give up.

[Author]

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