May 6, 2018 at 4:14 pm #29952
I guess I got off easy? I always knew I was asexual. Like… from a super young age (12ish?). So there was very little confusion about it for me and very little angst because I’ve never sought out a long term relationship.
The only difficulty I find is in telling people outside my circle. Some people flat out don’t accept that asexuality is a thing and that you’re making an excuse for just being some sort of social misfit.May 8, 2018 at 1:34 pm #29954
I was never interested in relationships as a whole. People always scared me, still kinda do. That severely inhibited my ability to relate to others. In that sense my asexuality did not impact me much, if you’re already socially isolated it may actually be a boon to not feel the need to get down & dirty with others.
But recently I’ve been having this itch to, well not find a partner, but just a buddy? I think I’m just tired of having literally zero company and no one to talk to. You’d think this would be easier in the age of social media but it’s just as hard to find someone you get along with online as it is offline.May 9, 2018 at 1:51 am #29955
I just tell people I like being single lol People don’t understand the asexual thing very well.May 11, 2018 at 5:39 pm #29968
Oh boy, here we go…Alright so I had this ex girlfriend who came out to me as an aromantic ace a few years back. I had no earthly idea what this meant, having been brought up in a small town down south but when she described it to me I realized that I had been living a lie my entire life. I used to lie to my friends and tell them I have had sex before so theyd shut up and leave me alone about it…I never understood why all theyd ever talk about was sex (mostly) in the first place. Ive always thought there was something wrong with me, especially when theyd ask me “Why dont you date anyone?” “Why dont you have a girlfriend yet?” “What are you so afraid of?” —People. Im afraid of people. Im afraid of intimacy unless I 100% trust them but all I desire is snuggles, thats as hot as it gets for me Im sorry. You cant trust most of these fools out here in this world anyway. They just try to get in your head so they can take advantage of you…just when you think youve got a friend, theyre standing with a group of people all staring at you laughing in your face about how the dy** a$$ [email protected]** suddenly became trans..then when you take off your dirty gloves and get confrontational they tell you they cant meet you outside after work because they gotta drop so and so off in the morning…’buncha pansies. lolMay 17, 2018 at 11:20 am #30041
I can relate to quite a few things you said. Although my parents have remained married, I grew up in what I consider to be fairly dysfunctional family. Which is not to say that your family is also or that we have similar experiences – just that I feel as if understand where you’re coming from to some extent.
I’ve also been seeing a therapist and I’m (finally) at a place where I can see that it is possible now for me to actually have relationships. (Again, not suggesting that your experience has been similar.) My experience has been that for so much of my life I’ve not been able or ready to have relationships (of any sort really, I am not referring to sexual relationships). That stemmed from my own personal history and the dysfunction that arose out of that. Though I feel less so these days, in the past I often felt that I would scare everyone off with my “baggage”.
And I agree with your sentiments on finding your own happy. Ultimately, I feel that while I’m here (on earth, that is) part of my purpose is to connect with others, as much as possible and as deeply as possible and I have a lot of faith that I will (I’ve already begun, actually) do that. And if it can be true for me, it can be true for others too.May 18, 2018 at 5:42 am #30128
Julian: ouch! (on the comment your ex made). As if your relationships or how you felt about the people in them didn’t count for anything or have any validity. I agree, I feel like there is a distinct difference between friendship, romantic relationship and sexual relationship (sometimes with grey areas/unclear feelings IME). The defining factor for me is how I feel towards that person (rather than the type of physical contact).May 18, 2018 at 1:40 pm #30130
@tgt18 Haha yeah, quite a punch in the gut but in the end. But I understand that people just don’t get it and therefore doesn’t change the way that those past relationships were to me. It’s just ignorance, I’m sure it’s weird to allosexuals as much as it’s probably weird for many asexuals about sex.
But I do agree with you in that physical contact isn’t always indicative of how or what your relationships should be defined as.
Great to hear you’ve been seein a therapist and being in a better place though TGT!May 19, 2018 at 8:32 am #30131
Yeah, I have to remind myself of that sometimes… that what’s weird to me or a norm for me may not be so for others and vice versa.
Also, on the flip side… (speaking generally here) if sex is really important for one person within their relationship and the other doesn’t show much interest or express desire for it, I can imagine that could be taken as a personal rejection by some. (Not desired, not wanted: therefore not loved.)
Thanks. 🙂 For the most part I was just very, very confused; layers upon layers of it and for a long time and only partially aware of it. I am so relieved to have gained understanding and some clarity.May 20, 2018 at 5:20 am #30139
@tgt18 Yeah I think that for those that need sex, it’s definitely a sense of rejection if they don’t have it in their relationships. Something to be pretty wary of if any asexual person is dating an allosexual that’s for sure.
I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling more clear about things, I feel like everyone should give therapy a shot sometimes. I feel like too many people refuse to when they truly could do with some help or even an outside perspective on things.May 29, 2018 at 10:53 pm #30176
I don’t have a story;or I do, but too much to go into it. Let’s just say it has taken me a long time to think I may not be broken.July 5, 2018 at 5:27 am #30310
Life was very confusing for me growing up. I never understood why everyone was talking about sex and whatnot. I never understood why all of my friends were talking about pornography or masturbating, I simply had no interest in it. I still had relationships and sex but it was never fulfilling and I didn’t know why. After finding out about asexuality a few years ago I still didn’t think I was asexual. I just figured that if I kept trying at it that I would eventually come to enjoy sex. I was afraid that being myself (asexual) would separate me from others because they couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t’t really explain it. It obviously didn’t work. I guess I just want something real with someone who understands me, if that makes sense. Doesn’t even have to be a relationship. I just want to talk to other people like me and hear their experiences.July 8, 2018 at 10:59 pm #30341
I don’t think I ever posted here…Well, I’m a grey ace, so sometimes I’m like, “Eh, I guess I could have sex.” It’s never more than a level of, “Sure.” For the longest time I thought my asexuality had to do with my severe PTSD, but after I really worked hard to overcome my PTSD and I finally had sex, I realized that I really couldn’t care less about it. Lol. I’ve only ever enjoyed sex with one person and it was more for the emotional and mental connection than a physical one. It’s been taking me awhile to, like a lot of you, feel as if I’m not broken, and I’m slowly getting there but my mother always rejecting my sexuality and pushing me to “talk it out” with a therapist doesn’t help. But yeah, I realize that I’m not cut and dry asexual but I hope that doesn’t interfere with my communications with people on here.July 9, 2018 at 12:12 am #30343
Dale L. MastersParticipant
I was appointed to PA gov. Shapp’s Gay Task Force at age 15.
I always thought that once I was in the gay community, the women I would meet would be more interested in love than sex.
I have never been so wrong!
After being used for sex and for my tendency to fall in love once I got to know certain people (they basically made me a slave, but I didn’t see it), I became disillusioned. After getting out of a bad relationship, I tried Match.com, where I met my spouse.
The neat thing (or not so neat for her) is that she doesn’t want sex anymore. She thinks being gay is a sin…& we’ve had a platonic relationship for the past 7 years.
I couldn’t be happier…except that I’m looking for other aces with whom I can be friends.
Most of my friends have called me their “best friend”, FWIW.
July 12, 2018 at 9:53 am #30374
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Dale L. Masters.
I’m demisexual or gray ACE. I think I have always known I was different and especially around aged 15. I had crushes and squishes but only found them aesthetically pleasing or cool personality. I would fan-girl over celebs in awe of their talents as a musician or actor but not actually wanting to kiss or touch them but if I ever meet them just to say “Hi” and have a photo with them.
Only have had 2 boyfriends, but when it came to sex had problems, sometimes it would hurt and my mind was never ready for sex.
Then 5 years ago while googling, I found the term asexuality and looked into what it meant to be so.
Currently still deciding if I would like children in future and how that would work if I was to be in a relationship with another asexualJuly 16, 2018 at 12:12 am #30380
I cannot say I am asexual. I think I could be somewhere between demisexual and sexual, confusing, isn’t it. Well I get attracted to men and I like intimate physical connection like cuddles but I do not want to have sex. I could not fit with either sexuals or asexuals but I find it safer and more convenient to be in an asexual relationship. I hate a lot of things about sex. I don’t like being in a relationship where I get coerced to do something against my will , sex is an aspect of a relationship where I could easily end up like that so I would rather really staying out of that whole realm. I value a true romantic relationship over anything else and I feel when sex gets involved the strength and sustainability of that relationship will depend on how sexually satisfying it is. That is why I would like to get sex totally out of the equation.August 9, 2018 at 8:33 pm #30469
I, unfortunately, did not find out that what I was going through was normal and had a name until around the age of 30. Once I did I had a HUGE Ahha moment. As a teenager I hung out in the “wrong” crowd and had sex just to have sex and fit in. I didn’t understand what the big deal was and was never the one to start the romantic contact. As I grew a little older I was in a relationship and felt like there was something wrong with me because I was the only one that I knew that did not like sex, nor the idea of it, but I hid that. I did as society says is normal. I got married and even had two children.
10 years into that relationship and it still did not get any easier. I joined the military at 25 to put a purpose into my life and to grab onto a bit more normalcy. I still, at this point, did not know what was wrong with me. in the military, sex is a daily subject. I “walked the walk and talked the talk” for so long by then that I just faked life at this point. Everything pointed to sex and relationships… except me.
I started seeing a woman and things felt a little different. After my divorce and her divorce, both to men, it felt more natural not as forced. But it still wasn’t right. I did feel more comfortable around her, didn’t feel like the pressure was there. So then, that meant I was a lesbian and that was what was wrong with me for so long… right? I had myself convinced of that for years. I was just with the wrong gender. I was still not having sexual feelings and was never the initiator. She noticed this and thought I wasn’t attracted to her which began an entire new problem. What was wrong with me?? I made myself conform again, I would initiate sex, but I would have to make myself, work myself up to it. This lead to alcohol being needed to do this, every time. But I didn’t want her to think something was wrong with her when I knew it has been always wrong with me. this is when I seen a Facebook video pop up about asexuality. I had never heard of it and I was so relieved.
Everything changed for me after that moment. I spoke to her about it and about how I really felt all the time and all my life. She was very understanding to a point. She still had a sex drive and I didn’t, that doesn’t change. It was push-pull for the next few years and after 8 years together it was time to call the code.
I am now very open about being asexual to everyone around me. It is not a secret I keep. I wish that I would have known this 20 years ago, my life would have been so different. I still do not know anyone else that is asexual but that is fine. I don’t have to hide anymore and I am able to educate others on this whole other category that is rarely spoken about.August 14, 2018 at 2:45 am #30487
Last year, a character in one of my beloved gay romance novels said he was Demi-sexual and the premise of the book was that he needed to form a really strong emotional attachement to someone before he was sexually attracted to them.
This was fascinating to me as I didn’t know there was a term for that! Since then, I’ve done a lot of reading and I’m still trying to find the term that fits me best. Right not I think heteroromantic fits, but I’ve never been in love so I don’t actually even know if that’s true!
What I know for sure; when I picture some nebulous future where I have a partner I love completely, if I picture us having sex I get really skeeved out and immediately shut that fantasy down.
I’ve had a lot of sexual experiences because I thought sex was related to romantic feelings, or it was expected, or I was supposed to like it, etc. however, it’s always been something I went into grudgingly and I just kind of waited for it to be done the whole time. (Ages 19-23 for me were confusing to say the least)
Now that I acknowledged that I’m asexual, I’ve been a lot more content. I get lonely sometimes for companionship, but in today’s world, that seems to often come with the expectation of sex so I’ve become really comfortable being my own person.
I was a little all over the place there, but thanks for reading 🙂
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