Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Emily]

I guess I got off easy? I always knew I was asexual. Like… from a super young age (12ish?). So there was very little confusion about it for me and very little angst because I’ve never sought out a long term relationship.

The only difficulty I find is in telling people outside my circle. Some people flat out don’t accept that asexuality is a thing and that you’re making an excuse for just being some sort of social misfit.

[Anonymous]

I was never interested in relationships as a whole. People always scared me, still kinda do. That severely inhibited my ability to relate to others. In that sense my asexuality did not impact me much, if you’re already socially isolated it may actually be a boon to not feel the need to get down & dirty with others.

But recently I’ve been having this itch to, well not find a partner, but just a buddy? I think I’m just tired of having literally zero company and no one to talk to. You’d think this would be easier in the age of social media but it’s just as hard to find someone you get along with online as it is offline.

[Lindsay]

I just tell people I like being single lol People don’t understand the asexual thing very well.

[Leremy]

Oh boy, here we go…Alright so I had this ex girlfriend who came out to me as an aromantic ace a few years back. I had no earthly idea what this meant, having been brought up in a small town down south but when she described it to me I realized that I had been living a lie my entire life. I used to lie to my friends and tell them I have had sex before so theyd shut up and leave me alone about it…I never understood why all theyd ever talk about was sex (mostly) in the first place. Ive always thought there was something wrong with me, especially when theyd ask me “Why dont you date anyone?” “Why dont you have a girlfriend yet?” “What are you so afraid of?” —People. Im afraid of people. Im afraid of intimacy unless I 100% trust them but all I desire is snuggles, thats as hot as it gets for me Im sorry. You cant trust most of these fools out here in this world anyway. They just try to get in your head so they can take advantage of you…just when you think youve got a friend, theyre standing with a group of people all staring at you laughing in your face about how the dy** a$$ f@g** suddenly became trans..then when you take off your dirty gloves and get confrontational they tell you they cant meet you outside after work because they gotta drop so and so off in the morning…’buncha pansies. lol

[Anonymous]

@Alex C:
I can relate to quite a few things you said. Although my parents have remained married, I grew up in what I consider to be fairly dysfunctional family. Which is not to say that your family is also or that we have similar experiences – just that I feel as if understand where you’re coming from to some extent.

I’ve also been seeing a therapist and I’m (finally) at a place where I can see that it is possible now for me to actually have relationships. (Again, not suggesting that your experience has been similar.) My experience has been that for so much of my life I’ve not been able or ready to have relationships (of any sort really, I am not referring to sexual relationships). That stemmed from my own personal history and the dysfunction that arose out of that. Though I feel less so these days, in the past I often felt that I would scare everyone off with my “baggage”.

And I agree with your sentiments on finding your own happy. Ultimately, I feel that while I’m here (on earth, that is) part of my purpose is to connect with others, as much as possible and as deeply as possible and I have a lot of faith that I will (I’ve already begun, actually) do that. And if it can be true for me, it can be true for others too.

[Anonymous]

Julian: ouch! (on the comment your ex made). As if your relationships or how you felt about the people in them didn’t count for anything or have any validity. I agree, I feel like there is a distinct difference between friendship, romantic relationship and sexual relationship (sometimes with grey areas/unclear feelings IME). The defining factor for me is how I feel towards that person (rather than the type of physical contact).

[Anonymous]

@tgt18 Haha yeah, quite a punch in the gut but in the end. But I understand that people just don’t get it and therefore doesn’t change the way that those past relationships were to me. It’s just ignorance, I’m sure it’s weird to allosexuals as much as it’s probably weird for many asexuals about sex.

But I do agree with you in that physical contact isn’t always indicative of how or what your relationships should be defined as.

Great to hear you’ve been seein a therapist and being in a better place though TGT!

[Anonymous]

@julianvandal
Yeah, I have to remind myself of that sometimes… that what’s weird to me or a norm for me may not be so for others and vice versa.

Also, on the flip side… (speaking generally here) if sex is really important for one person within their relationship and the other doesn’t show much interest or express desire for it, I can imagine that could be taken as a personal rejection by some. (Not desired, not wanted: therefore not loved.)

Thanks. 🙂 For the most part I was just very, very confused; layers upon layers of it and for a long time and only partially aware of it. I am so relieved to have gained understanding and some clarity.

[Anonymous]

@tgt18 Yeah I think that for those that need sex, it’s definitely a sense of rejection if they don’t have it in their relationships. Something to be pretty wary of if any asexual person is dating an allosexual that’s for sure.

I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling more clear about things, I feel like everyone should give therapy a shot sometimes. I feel like too many people refuse to when they truly could do with some help or even an outside perspective on things.

[Roni]

I don’t have a story;or I do, but too much to go into it. Let’s just say it has taken me a long time to think I may not be broken.

[Andrew Morgan]

Life was very confusing for me growing up. I never understood why everyone was talking about sex and whatnot. I never understood why all of my friends were talking about pornography or masturbating, I simply had no interest in it. I still had relationships and sex but it was never fulfilling and I didn’t know why. After finding out about asexuality a few years ago I still didn’t think I was asexual. I just figured that if I kept trying at it that I would eventually come to enjoy sex. I was afraid that being myself (asexual) would separate me from others because they couldn’t understand it and I couldn’t’t really explain it. It obviously didn’t work. I guess I just want something real with someone who understands me, if that makes sense. Doesn’t even have to be a relationship. I just want to talk to other people like me and hear their experiences.

[Sav]

I don’t think I ever posted here…Well, I’m a grey ace, so sometimes I’m like, “Eh, I guess I could have sex.” It’s never more than a level of, “Sure.” For the longest time I thought my asexuality had to do with my severe PTSD, but after I really worked hard to overcome my PTSD and I finally had sex, I realized that I really couldn’t care less about it. Lol. I’ve only ever enjoyed sex with one person and it was more for the emotional and mental connection than a physical one. It’s been taking me awhile to, like a lot of you, feel as if I’m not broken, and I’m slowly getting there but my mother always rejecting my sexuality and pushing me to “talk it out” with a therapist doesn’t help. But yeah, I realize that I’m not cut and dry asexual but I hope that doesn’t interfere with my communications with people on here.

[Dale L. Masters]

I was appointed to PA gov. Shapp’s Gay Task Force at age 15.
I always thought that once I was in the gay community, the women I would meet would be more interested in love than sex.

I have never been so wrong!

After being used for sex and for my tendency to fall in love once I got to know certain people (they basically made me a slave, but I didn’t see it), I became disillusioned. After getting out of a bad relationship, I tried Match.com, where I met my spouse.

The neat thing (or not so neat for her) is that she doesn’t want sex anymore. She thinks being gay is a sin…& we’ve had a platonic relationship for the past 7 years.

I couldn’t be happier…except that I’m looking for other aces with whom I can be friends.
Most of my friends have called me their “best friend”, FWIW.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Dale L. Masters.

[Anonymous]

I’m demisexual or gray ACE. I think I have always known I was different and especially around aged 15. I had crushes and squishes but only found them aesthetically pleasing or cool personality. I would fan-girl over celebs in awe of their talents as a musician or actor but not actually wanting to kiss or touch them but if I ever meet them just to say “Hi” and have a photo with them.

Only have had 2 boyfriends, but when it came to sex had problems, sometimes it would hurt and my mind was never ready for sex.

Then 5 years ago while googling, I found the term asexuality and looked into what it meant to be so.

Currently still deciding if I would like children in future and how that would work if I was to be in a relationship with another asexual

[Anonymous]

I cannot say I am asexual. I think I could be somewhere between demisexual and sexual, confusing, isn’t it. Well I get attracted to men and I like intimate physical connection like cuddles but I do not want to have sex. I could not fit with either sexuals or asexuals but I find it safer and more convenient to be in an asexual relationship. I hate a lot of things about sex. I don’t like being in a relationship where I get coerced to do something against my will , sex is an aspect of a relationship where I could easily end up like that so I would rather really staying out of that whole realm. I value a true romantic relationship over anything else and I feel when sex gets involved the strength and sustainability of that relationship will depend on how sexually satisfying it is. That is why I would like to get sex totally out of the equation.

[Andria]

I, unfortunately, did not find out that what I was going through was normal and had a name until around the age of 30. Once I did I had a HUGE Ahha moment. As a teenager I hung out in the “wrong” crowd and had sex just to have sex and fit in. I didn’t understand what the big deal was and was never the one to start the romantic contact. As I grew a little older I was in a relationship and felt like there was something wrong with me because I was the only one that I knew that did not like sex, nor the idea of it, but I hid that. I did as society says is normal. I got married and even had two children.

10 years into that relationship and it still did not get any easier. I joined the military at 25 to put a purpose into my life and to grab onto a bit more normalcy. I still, at this point, did not know what was wrong with me. in the military, sex is a daily subject. I “walked the walk and talked the talk” for so long by then that I just faked life at this point. Everything pointed to sex and relationships… except me.

I started seeing a woman and things felt a little different. After my divorce and her divorce, both to men, it felt more natural not as forced. But it still wasn’t right. I did feel more comfortable around her, didn’t feel like the pressure was there. So then, that meant I was a lesbian and that was what was wrong with me for so long… right? I had myself convinced of that for years. I was just with the wrong gender. I was still not having sexual feelings and was never the initiator. She noticed this and thought I wasn’t attracted to her which began an entire new problem. What was wrong with me?? I made myself conform again, I would initiate sex, but I would have to make myself, work myself up to it. This lead to alcohol being needed to do this, every time. But I didn’t want her to think something was wrong with her when I knew it has been always wrong with me. this is when I seen a Facebook video pop up about asexuality. I had never heard of it and I was so relieved.

Everything changed for me after that moment. I spoke to her about it and about how I really felt all the time and all my life. She was very understanding to a point. She still had a sex drive and I didn’t, that doesn’t change. It was push-pull for the next few years and after 8 years together it was time to call the code.

I am now very open about being asexual to everyone around me. It is not a secret I keep. I wish that I would have known this 20 years ago, my life would have been so different. I still do not know anyone else that is asexual but that is fine. I don’t have to hide anymore and I am able to educate others on this whole other category that is rarely spoken about.

[Al]

Last year, a character in one of my beloved gay romance novels said he was Demi-sexual and the premise of the book was that he needed to form a really strong emotional attachement to someone before he was sexually attracted to them.

This was fascinating to me as I didn’t know there was a term for that! Since then, I’ve done a lot of reading and I’m still trying to find the term that fits me best. Right not I think heteroromantic fits, but I’ve never been in love so I don’t actually even know if that’s true!

What I know for sure; when I picture some nebulous future where I have a partner I love completely, if I picture us having sex I get really skeeved out and immediately shut that fantasy down.

I’ve had a lot of sexual experiences because I thought sex was related to romantic feelings, or it was expected, or I was supposed to like it, etc. however, it’s always been something I went into grudgingly and I just kind of waited for it to be done the whole time. (Ages 19-23 for me were confusing to say the least)

Now that I acknowledged that I’m asexual, I’ve been a lot more content. I get lonely sometimes for companionship, but in today’s world, that seems to often come with the expectation of sex so I’ve become really comfortable being my own person.

I was a little all over the place there, but thanks for reading 🙂

[Anonymous]

Hi! It’s really nice to read other peoples stories and finally being able to relate! It’s taken me a very long time to come to this.

So my story starts with my father being in the closet about being gay most of his life. As a young kid I suspected he was but never really put much thought into it. He eventually came out way later in life when he was in his 50’s, which we were all totally fine with. My mother knew for quite some time but they had remained together as friends and for my youngest brother who is quite a bit younger. Anyway, I mention this because I think that family dynamic may have had some influence over how I connect with people.

As a teenager with very little sex drive I just thought I was biologically behind everyone. I got into my first relationship when I was 21, which lasted 7 years, and almost got married. She was(is) a very nice and understanding person, but we always had issues not having much sex, purely down to me having little to no drive. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and was incapable/too scared of exploring why I was this way. So our relationship eventually fizzled out.

So I was single for the first time in 7 years, and after the first 6 months after the breakup I was feeling pretty good. I was fit and healthy, and got loads of attention from girls, but didn’t really know what to do with it so I tried avoiding situations that would lead to sex. I ended up in that situation a few times but it always felt a bit forced.

Shortly after that I left to go live in Europe for 2 years and was on a real high going new places and meeting interesting people. But I was happy being alone. That was until I moved to Scotland and met a girl in the flat I lived. I tried not to let anything happen, but she was(is) really cool, unique and open-minded. So I thought I’d try and get over my fears and give it a go. I experimented with a lot of drugs with her and we had sexual encounters in the beginning, but again it fizzled out. I never fully felt comfortable and we didn’t really speak about it. We turned into best pals who slept in the same bed and cuddled.

She moved back to Australia with me, but pretty much instantly things started to go bad. I believe she felt insecure and thought that I wasn’t in love with her because of the lack of sex. She became easily agitated and antagonised me to the point where I felt I had no choice but to end it. To be honest I was largely at fault for not communicating with her properly. Shortly after my father committed suicide (he had a chronic illness he couldn’t escape from) and she stepped up and was there for me. We reconciled and we still live together now, but not as a couple but as best friends. She didn’t know the extent of my position until very recently (probably because I hadn’t properly contemplated it myself).

Even though we haven’t been a couple for quite a while we still seem like we are sometimes. Because of this and things not being fully laid out, we still often worked up a weird jealously towards each other. We had a big fight because of this and that’s when everything came out. She thought I was going around sleeping with her friends, and I came out to her and I had no desire to sleep with anyone and that I suspected I was asexual. I told her it made me feel like an alien and started to get visibly upset. Like a lot of people have mentioned here, I felt broken. It all made sense to her, she came over and laid next to me and comforted me. Despite my lack of desire, I’m very affectionate, so I really missed being close to her like that. She is the first and only person I’ve ever told about this (until now!)

She’s since started seeing other people. I’m happy for her, but I feel like shit because we’re still living together and I often feel destined to be without a true partner for the rest of my life. There’s a few girls at work I get a long with really well and there’s obviously an attraction between us, but I find myself closing off and have stopped trying anymore because it’s too painful to deal with.

Maybe I’ll just live alone somewhere with a dog 🙂

Anyway, finding this website and seeing all these like-minded people in a similar situation has given me some hope though, so thank you 🙂

… sorry, I just re-read this and I blabbed on a lot 😐

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone. So interesting to read your stories and see parallels and differences between them and my own experiences. I’ve only just found out that I’m asexual, and by that I mean that I’ve only just figured out the word for what I’ve experienced for all of my adult life.
I’d never really been interested in sex. Couldn’t figure out what the fuss was all about at all but, because of friends and the need to appear ‘normal’ and, I suppose, curiosity, I towed the party line throughout puberty and early adult life. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find some people attractive physically but I would find myself falling for personalities. I enjoyed the odd drunken snog and cuddle but never wanted it to go further than that. When I finally did have sex it was to satisfy an innate curiosity and the reality was boredom and disappointment mixed with ‘ickyness’. But, I realised that was the currency expected in a relationship and, as a consequence, I have been pretty much celebate for most of my adult life. I did try a few times In more recent years to do the relationship thing, but there was always the expectation of a sexual relationship and doing what went entirely against my nature left me feeling clinically depressed and unable to continue that relationship.
So I resigned myself to a solitary life. Thinking at times I might be gay because heterosexual sex wasn’t doing anything for me, but realising that wasn’t the case because, although I have had a few major crushes on women, it was because I was infatuated with their personalities and had no real desire to sleep with them.
Then, I had a discussion with my nephew recently, where we debated the nature of attraction. When I mentioned that I was attracted to personalities and not interested in ‘shagging the country’, he replied ‘ah. You’re probably asexual.’ It was a lightning bolt moment! I hadn’t even considered that as a possibility before hand. God knows, in the gamut of sexualities which are frequently discussed, it’s one aspect which never comes up. But that was it! The identity which had eluded me for my entire life.
So here I am. Interested in finding likeminded individuals. Full of hope now that I know I’m not alone in the universe!

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone! I continue to be fascinated by just how many asexual-related resources there seem to be on the internet. Really proving helpful and informative.

Where to start? I guess I never quite “fit in” to the social mold. Memories from Elementary School include my friends (for example, in the locker room when changing from swimming in the pool) looking to confirm that I was actually anatomically male (in a way, I always found it amusing that they felt a need to do this), for I apparently have never been one to exhibit much masculinity. I tend to be quiet (to the point of being invisible or non-confrontational), yet also a good listener, not to mention observant (introverted too).

Anyway, I have never been a fan of this whole societal distinguishing by gender. I have always looked at people AS PEOPLE; gender being a mere attribute (versus something to be considered first). Needless to say, I have encountered many individuals who aren’t particularly fond of this viewpoint.

As primary/middle/secondary school trudged on, I noticed this impetus by my classmates to pair up and do this boy/girl-friend relationship thing. I personally felt (having exposure to whatever media and generally being aware of the concept of dating/coupling) that such was a distraction, and certainly way too soon to be bothering with such things. I’d see people get into a relationship, go at it for a while, have a fight, and break up. There’d be all this drama about who likes who, and who doesn’t (with multiple levels of history). To my perspective: quite distracting.

In middle school I succumbed to what I will describe as a ‘crush’. Where I felt my first real sense of romantic tendencies toward another person. She was probably just being nice; in middle school I was increasingly mocked and belittled; tagged as “gay” (apparently that’s what you are if you’re not “normal”, although I cannot say I’ve ever felt any homosexual tendencies). So I was able to experience feelings for another, although in retrospect, while intense, they were devoid of any sexual nature. Not to say I didn’t attempt to emulate/construct such scenarios (again, what was considered “normal” and there were also the teenage hormonal waves to ride), but none of it ever really stuck. I could recognize what could be termed my “sexual energy” and could choose to tap into it, but it was a constant conscious chore.

And the thing is: I didn’t truly realize this wasn’t the way it was for everyone else. I always thought they just chose to consciously indulge in their sexual energy, as if it were some sort of drug they were addicted to, and let it control them. And for whatever reason, I had established some sort of discipline so as to not let it rule me. It took several years (say, around 20) to truly realize my perspective may well be more unique.

I have experienced relationships, having “dated” a total of 5 people, 3 of which were sexual). Longest one lasted around 2.5 years, shortest barely 4 months. My sexual performance (disinterest? inexperience?) was a constant point of contention (indeed, some parting advice from my first relationship was that I should go “get more experience”). And it isn’t that I was never “in the mood”, it was just that whatever partners I had seemed to be in the mood constantly. As if they wanted to go at it daily (or more), whereas I could be content at times for up to a month without a second thought.

Still annoyed by this whole societal expectation that “being in a relationship” was part of life, and sensing some level of dissatisfaction with it, I started to really look upon my times outside of relationships as an opportunity to rediscover me, and what I had lost by being in a relationship (I also tend to be somewhat of a “chameleon”, becoming exactly what they want, until there’s so little of me left). First it was 4.5 years, and as of November 2018 I “celebrated” 7 years of being single.

I’ve since discovered I truly love being by myself. And there’s nothing wrong with it (just statistically rare when comparing against the general population). So many seem to run away from their thoughts, where I run at them.

That said, I’ve recently emerged from this elusive existence, indulging in some increasingly social activities. Sort of as anticipated, I’ve experienced my first “crush” in 7 years, yet also in a much different way (maybe just my comfortability in not trying to associate any sexuality with it)- I’ve sensed how emotionally pleasing it could be to have someone to related to, to share experiences and feelings with. Problem is, of course, do they even know? And how keen would they be if I explained to them this whole asexual tendency I seem to have? Still, I wouldn’t change what I’ve experienced- as if a part of me has become sharply more attuned (I’ve gotten used to broadly loving nature, the world; but to more narrowly direct such feelings at another soul? Such an enthralling sensation).

Furthermore, I seem to modulate by the season- in sunny and warm, summer-like weather, I tend to be quite self-sustaining. As if it provides and fuels me with an energy I otherwise lack. I’m on point and good to go throughout. When I enter the post-summer and increasingly winter months, this is when I experience cracks in that invincibility. As if I’m not quite fully balanced, and this is where I find I can more naturally experience longer, more romantic feelings for others.

I definitely find an attraction to personality, and an aversion to expectation (why should I have to “make some move” based on gender, or play out some prescribed dating transaction as a means to get to know someone more intimately?). I mean, I guess I can understand why things are this way if the name of the game is all about sex. But not really being on my radar, seems wholly nonsensical, and leads to a lot of missed connections. Not to mention I really don’t get it- flirting and dating antics are a combination of being lost on me / are emulated, conscious attempts that tend to fall very short.

Anyway, this is my “story”. I first encountered this whole “asexual” realm a few years ago, did some reading, and thought “hey, this might be me”, but nothing really stuck (I was happy completely doing my own thing, free of labels). About a year or so ago, while vacationing with my siblings, I had this epiphany moment, when it was made clear to me that they DO view the world more primarily through a lens of sexuality, that a whole lot of stuff started to click together. Now I had a frame of reference I didn’t know I had previously lacked. And as I am now starting to experience the onset of the winter months and, like clockwork (or lack of ability to more freely and conveniently spend lots of time outside), I am once again contemplating that whole “relationship” fantasy.

And hey, that finds me here currently, seeing what there is to be read, and ever-expanding on my understanding of myself and the world.

[Author]

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