Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

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  • #29345

    I’m wondering if anyone else had a very late sexual awakening?

    I know this forum is primarily for aesexuals… but as for me, I didn’t even realize there was something different about me until a few years ago, when I did feel desire.

    It was very uncomfortable, it was like something snapped in my mind and all of a sudden I was going through puberty at nearly 30 years old. “This is what people felt in highschool!?” “This is what it is to be horny?” “This is what it feels like to want someone?” Drove me crazy. And I can’t get away from the feelings I have for this person… it’s been years. For about three of them, we didn’t even talk… but the second I saw him again my mind and body reacted.

    It’s really depressing. I would have been happy simply holding hands or cuddling on the couch with them.

    I guess, since there’s that, I would be considered “demisexual” and not aesexual.

    It’s still lonely though… because even if I can find someone aesthetically pleasing, I don’t really feel the need or want to have sex with them… there has to be an emotional connection with them.

    I don’t know how to get that.

    Throughout highschool, I had boyfriends, I even got married and had a kid. The thing is… even though I have enjoyed sex before… it’s not something I desired with someone else. It was more like something to do… and since my friend was male, that would make him happy, and making him happy made me happy.

    Something since my “awakening” what’s been really frustrating… is that what I feel for him can’t be satisfied by myself alone… I’ve tried to go out, meet people and get a boyfriend… even slept with some people… but it felt disgusting.

    I’m feeling very discouraged and disconnected. Since I felt it, so much of my time has become wanting to feel it or any of the sensations that came with it again, with anyone. Even if I could just feel like I want to hold hands with someone else that would be nice.

    #29355
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You’re not alone. I had crushes, but never anything as intense as when I developed feelings for someone in my circle of friends. It was sudden and not expected on the least, and I’m 33. If this is how teenagers feel, then no wonder they’re crazy.

    #29411
    Rachel
    Spectator

    I’m 38F and have always known I’m different to my friends. I’ve had boyfriends albeit not for sometime. I love my independence but I want to share my life with someone else. I’ve always thought I’ve just been unlucky and haven’t met the right person but even then, I have no interest in sex. Never really have. I came across the AVEN site today and people’s stories seemed so similar to mine.

    I read about the term asexual a couple of times in recent years and thought that it sounded familiar but I guess it’s only today as I sit at home that it has finally sunk in. I’m so totally asexual.

    I’m quite the introvert and have a small group of good friends. They’re all in long term relationships and I’ve been the forever single person. I sometimes joke I’ll be single and in my rocking chair.

    I want to share my life with someone, just not in the typical sexual way. I want to have fun, travel, go out for meals, share expenses, grow old together. I want to come home and talk to someone about my day and sure I’m common interests, plan for the future…

    Ok so I feel like I might be blabbering a bit now. It’s so cool to finally meet likeminded people and not have to feel weird about it.

    #29417
    danny
    Participant

    Hi good luck in your search, I’m in a similar situation to yourself date occasionally but have yet to meet that person who you have that deep connection with I also have a small but’mainly’trustworthy social crowd and many hobbies to fill my time.I find most aces are not to good at meeting up it seems to be a common problem but it would be nice to find someone to come home too without the sex I concur in the meantime I’m pretty comfy in my own skin.Good luck in your search.

    #29427
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You’re definitely not weird, and good luck, as Danny said. I think most of us are so nervous that we don’t reach out, but I’m sure there are pockets of aces who do.

    #29432
    Marguerite
    Participant

    I thought I was broken. I’m 38, and up until I was in my mid thirties I thought I was broken, and that if I tried hard enough I could fix myself. I had a lot of sex I didn’t want because I thought that was how to be “normal”. I tried so damn hard to find people “hot”, but never got anything different from the feeling of looking at a technically brilliant piece of art. There was nothing where society told me there should be everything.

    When I found out about being asexual, that it was a recognized thing you could be, it was like the sun came out. I’m happy, now, and I never was before.

    #29441
    Laurie
    Spectator

    Nothing better than a good fun intelligent conversation, When I was a young man many years ago my sex drive was so high I would almost do anything to get it and consequently was easily manipulated by a few smart women. When I reached 40 I felt a strange kama and I must have been going through womenopause[men] menopause for[ women] and suddenly my sex drive had waned and I could walk away and no longer be manipulated. I still liked everything about women but sex was not a priority but physical contact and the sight of a naked woman still stirred my adrenalin. My current partner was aware of this and to get me to arouse her she would offer to box with me and strut around in front of me flexing all her soft wobbly bits and we would punch one another playfully { sometimes seriously but that’s another story}. It was a lot of fun but I have found open minded women like this quite rare.

    #29442
    Rachel
    Spectator

    Thanks Danny and Deb for your kind words.

    #29513
    Eva
    Spectator

    I discovered asexuality after another failed date where I felt no sexual attraction to the other. My best friend pointed out a trend, and I slowly began to unpack my desires to have sex and form romantic attachments. Right now, I’m still exploring my identity. I identify as either graysexual or demisexual, but usually just tell people I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum.

    Also, I’m a 23 year old college student (she/her), and would love to talk to anyone in a friendly or romantic way. I’m definitely heteromantic!

    #29545
    Rafael
    Spectator

    In my case I have always known that I was different from the rest but it took me a long time to conclude that I was asexual.

    I first noticed the difference that around the age of 12-13 when my friends began to be interested in girls/porn while I didn’t care at all for it. I though maybe I will develop this interest later. Then when I was 15-16 I reached the conclusion that I was really different however I refused to believe that until quite recently. When I was 23 one of my colleagues from work told me I was asexual while we were in a bar and I was shocked: after that I started feeling bad and I ran back to the office after drinking a good amount of beer. I tried to work just to try to forget that. After a while I came to the conclusion he was right but I only admitted to myself that I was asexual only when I was about 27, which is quite recently.

    I feel like society doesn’t even recognize that some people might not be heterosexual or homosexual: I even I told a psychologist that I was asexual and he asked me if I had hormonal imbalances… Then I essentially had to teach him, a professional psychologist, what asexuality is!

    #29578
    Joshua
    Spectator

    33 here. Had 5 major year long-ish relationships that were sexual but never made it to intercourse. I blame that on what I now see a my disinterest in sexual intercourse looking back. I enjoyed sexual contact and activity but intercourse truly never did much for me at all. Sadly due to relocations mostly on my end with jobs or just my breaking it off, these relationships never mounted too much long term. I have not been in a relationships for 4 years now. I was deployed twice for 8 months each over the past 5 years in my last Navy based job so that did not help much. Renting out a room from a guy with 3 younger girls who were home every weekend also made it hard to really have privacy and a place of my own during those 5 years.

    Now since September last year, I have moved one more time from San Diego to St Louis and hopefully the last time for a long while. I now have my own great place, great income, great job etc. I put myself back in the dating game head first in late December and have been on Match and yes Tinder/Bumble/OKCupid since then looking for dates that could become serious as a partner. I have had some luck but the sexual part does bother me as many of the women I have found other than 1 was looking for sex sooner than I was. The one who did not desire sex at all was very religious and she actually broke it off from becoming serious as she did not see my agnosticism blending with her deep Christian faith. Bummer indeed.

    I am now on this site and AsexualCupid as well hoping I can find someone like me who wants a serious relationship with romance and sexual activity but not a major push for intercourse or a heavy reliance on intercourse.

    Eager to meet others locally and share my story and what I hope to be a success story as well!

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Joshua.
    #29583
    Vampyfox
    Spectator

    Has no-one actually been in here since February 28, 2015? That’s a long time ago. I hoped there would be a great many people in here, actively participating……

    I have quite a story to tell, but would prefer to check out the site first to see how many members are active on here.

    Flipping heck! I don’t know what I was looking at, because now I see these comments are up to date!! But, I’ll still check around the site. I hope to make some friends on here, male and female. It will be great to get away from the boring, usual, sneak up talk about that over-rated thing called xxx, I don’t even like to say the word. But affection, yes, that is great and shows you care about others.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Vampyfox. Reason: I'm a professional writer, and I saw two repetitive words, LOL!
    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Vampyfox. Reason: Okay, you got me! I had to correct something I said... I'm only human, just about
    #29602
    Sharon
    Participant

    Well, I’ll join in.

    NOTICED I was different when, at some pre-teen slumber party, all the other girls talked about how they wondered what “it” felt like, and I simultaneously thought: (1) I have never ever wondered what “it” felt like; and (2) I should probably not admit this.

    PASSED in grad school, when I started acting like a regular old heterosexual girl. Considered “you don’t dance like a virgin” to be one of the greatest compliments I ever received.

    DESCRIBED MYSELF as having an “extremely low sex drive,” because people understood THAT, although I tended to silently add “which is so low as to be virtually nonexistent.”

    NEARLY admitted asexuality, but when I first poked around on AVEN, I discovered some Aces who also had other stuff going on — painfully low self-esteem, agoraphobia, suicidal ideation — while others were very militant about asexuality, and I backed away, thinking, “geez, I’m just not interested in sex; I don’t obsess about it and my identity isn’t tied up in it.”

    ULTIMATELY self-defined as asexual when I was discussing how I ALMOST slept with some random dude I’d met while on vacation, and my sister asked me if I’d contemplated sex with him because I rationalized that it would be good to have sex, or if I was sexually attracted to the guy. And in my head, I thought, “I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. I’ve NEVER been sexually attracted to anyone.” It was, very simply, the right question for someone to ask me.

    JOINED this site thinking maybe I’d actually meet someone who fit in the very tiny overlap in the Venn Diagram of “really cool people I’d like to date,” “people in my area or a place I’d legitimately move to,” and “asexuals.” So far, not much luck.

    #29676
    Lori C
    Spectator

    Sharon ~

    “…militant about asexuality…”

    What is that? I joined AVEN a couple years ago, but never went back – not sure why, just wasn’t for me. Never heard about this.

    #29698
    Sharon
    Participant

    Lori —

    I think there are a lot of people who take the “V” in AVEN very seriously. And, in some sense, I’m grateful that they’re out there doing it, because we do need to increase visibility, even if just so that people KNOW what asexuality is (so when they feel that way, they’ll know they’re not alone).

    That said, I remember reading about people who wore black rings (middle finger, right hand) as a symbol of asexuality. And someone saying that they wanted to tattoo it in on their finger instead, because that’s who they are and they want everyone to know it.

    And, I mean, again, good for them, and thanks for increasing visibility. But it totally rubbed me the wrong way, particularly when people were suggesting we should ALL go out and wear black rings. I just want to go about my (admittedly asexual) life; I don’t want to join a movement, y’know?

    #29711
    Erica Knox
    Spectator

    Sex, ESPECIALLY the kind that ends in reproduction, always makes me SUPER uncomfortable! I’ve never really sought it out or desired it with others. I am incredibly proud to wear the badge of virgin, which I don’t understand why everyone treats so disparagingly. I’m not religious in anyway and am quite a liberal democrat but even I believe whole-heatedly that if sex is to be had, it should be when people are married. It just seems like it would be more special and pure; is that weird? I don’t know how to explain it, but that’s the only time I feel it’s acceptable. If it doesn’t end in reproduction AND the previous conditions are met, then it feels completely peachy-keen to me and would be the ONLY circumstances I would accept it under; hell, it seems so nice and idyllic a thought that I even feel desire for it!

    I’m not ashamed when I feel aroused or anything, but it rarely leads to urges to ‘self-satisfy,’so the latter rarely occurs. I enjoy the feeling and then just let it ebb away naturally–that’s enough, really. I hate how in your face, all over the place sex has gotten, like it’s an extra-curricular activity that’s part of a complete breakfast or something. I don’t know, I just don’t understand it.

    Talking, cuddling, mutually enjoying one another’s company without such a distracting ‘primitive’ desire is enough for me. It just seems that people define sex as the be-all-end-all of a relationship, with every other activity ultimately leading to what seems like a pointless and empty act with no sound bases for its execution. I think that’s why I’m so critical about guys’ behavior; they’re taught that this is their only mission in life and a relationship and everything that happens in it is just a ploy to lead up to it. I believe what we really need to do is encourage the development of emotional intelligence in everyone, especially the male population, in order to develop more healthy, emotionally AND rationally balanced relationships; that is my dream.

    #29856
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I grew up focused on a perfect mate – not knowing what that was; and I probably should have realized there wasn’t such a thing as “the one” when my definition kept on changing to match the girl I had a crush on at the time. Part of my reason for being so picky was/is my fear of divorce and possibly having to be a divorced parent. My parents are divorced and it sucked; and one of my siblings is going through an AWFUL custody arrangement with an ex – it’s heart breaking to see what my nephew is going through. As a result of all that, and seeing relationships from the outside, I’ve struggled a lot with accepting that a relationship could also be a good and desirable part of life. I guess I’m still wondering if it’s possible for someone like me.

    As far as my actual relationships – my only experience in bed with my girlfriend ended the relationship. She knew about my lack of experience but I guess fooled herself into thinking it would be better? Ever since then I’ve just avoided getting involved with anyone because I didn’t see the point – people like to have sex, right? Relationships have a foundation in sex and intimacy, right?

    To pour a little extra sour on the story, that girl only dated me because she heard I was an “asshole” from the girl I tried dating before (screwed up, but her own words). The previous girl? Well she had a crush on me and I put aside the fact I wasn’t attracted to her at all because I hoped I could overcome the lack of physical attraction – I couldn’t. I just ended up being ashamed and broke it off because I knew she didn’t deserve that. In retrospect – clearly I wasn’t doing right by myself either.

    So flashback to this valentines day and I read an article online about this site – I figured there may be something here for me.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for all the troubles I’ve had dealing with what’s happening to my nephew and my family as a whole, and somewhere along the way I understood that I need to focus on myself and try to socialize again. I’m looking for other things I might be interested in doing (classes, meetups, etc.), but really I can’t shake the idea that I might still be missing out on a truly great relationship.

    I like that this site is here, but to be honest I think I still deluded myself that there’s an “aha!” moment somewhere on this site. I’m not sure if it’s better to give up on the idea of a perfect match and “settle” for something less than perfect (risking divorce and worse), or to just finally hang my hat and focus on the rest of my life. And please realize I’m not typing this to get sympathy or anything; if anything I’m just trying to warn the next potential girlfriend that I have baggage and it’s definitely over the weight limit for this flight.

    Now that I’ve scared off everyone – I’ll finish with this. I’ve realized that happiness isn’t delivered by finding a perfect person, it’s about doing what makes you happy. You can’t hang happiness on someone else, it’s too much for anyone to ask. I think if you just find your happy, and are lucky enough to meet someone who compliments it (and you compliment theirs); that’s lucky as hell – don’t take it for granted. Otherwise just stick to being happy – I think/hope I’m getting there, or at least on the right trail.

    #29874
    anndrea stutzman
    Spectator

    I have never been interested in sex or anything like sex pretty much my whole life, except about two years ago. I know that being a person in this world is difficult for everyone in some way or other. For me, I had a touch phobia, would have a full blown panic attack if anyone would bring up the idea of physical intimacy. I knew my mind, body and spirit were on different levels or realms. I was not comfortable in my own skin, so how could I be comfortable with somebody touching it? I think these are the issues we need to address out loud. And there is so much more going on. Our brains work in mysterious ways, our ego which is a HUGE aspect of protecting our identity, does just that. It protects us by blocking out certain thoughts or emotions that may ‘harm’ us. Here is my big issue: Why must people use each other to gratify their own ego? I see sex as a way of ‘trying’ but failing to connect with another person. I say fail because lets be honest, the only connection you get is an orgasm, maybe. But there is no unconditional caring or love. In fact, typically if a man doesn’t get sex from the wife, he cheats, (or he will cheat anyway). My mother was told from her mom many years ago that as long as she gives her husband sex, he will stay faithful (not true, and a bit sick if you ask me). It is socially acceptable for the man (the aggressor) to be in control of the woman (submissive type), and whether she wants it or not, has to fulfill that role. I knew all of this before I hit puberty, maybe that is too young to know the truth, but it’s important to know, do you know why? because this is where the missing link of the identity comes from. We form much of our identity based on what we learn and what is expected and socially accepted. So many woman (or men) are depressed, sick, filled with disease all because they are fulfilling a role, one that many secretly resent (but may never admit). Demoralizing, that is what happens when you trade out your dignity and sense of self for somebody else because they told you, “If you want to find true love, you have to be willing to get dirty”. Well, Many women will ‘find’ love by thinking they have to have sex with man after man. And a man thinks, pro-quo. Tit for tat, you do this for me, and I will do this for you. That is conditional. Real love is not conditional, there does not have to be external stimulation, you can stimulate yourself!

    #29934
    john
    Spectator

    I’m 38 and still trying to figure out my sexuality. I’m probably going to jump around and ramble a bit. I’ve always been attracted to women, but to a far lesser degree than my friends and have no desire for sex. All the sex I have had in my life was initiated by my partner. My friends would point to a girl and say “Wow, look at her” and I would look and feel nothing. They thought I had just incredibly high standards, but it’s just that very few women make me feel attraction and even the ones that I am the most attracted to, at most I would want to kiss, hug or cuddle. I don’t think I have an aversion to sex, it just doesn’t really do anything for me. It’s been extremely hard to have relationships, not many people want to date someone who seems completely void of passion or makes no noise during sex and has a bored look on his face. I got married, because I wanted to feel normal. And that was the best part of being married, but it didn’t last long, she wanted more, and I didn’t blame her. We divorced on good terms and still talk, she’s the only one who really understands this about me.

    #29940
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey gentle folk!

    I found out what asexuality meant when I was in my early teens, I didn’t identify with it then. I’m 29 now and I’ve been in several relationships, most of which were sexual, and all of which fell apart due to the lack of sexual intercourse.

    I used to always refer to myself as sensual rather than sexual. I enjoy finding ways to make a girl feel good that doesn’t require intercourse. My last relationship was probably the first time I actually enjoyed sex, and I thought “Finally! Is this what it’s meant to feel like? I’m normal!”. Unfortunately that feeling didn’t last very long, from the beginning to maybe 9 months in I became disinterested in sex.

    It led to the breakdown of that relationship, we were polar opposites. She was very sexual and basically needed sex for her mental well being to be in check. Which of course to me, did not make sense, because I never viewed sex as being super important. I’m super happy with physical affection and being intimate without needing to head towards sex itself.

    There was a comment that she made which dug real deep as we were heading towards the unfortunate end to our relationship, and I felt quite hurt about it at first.

    She said to me “If there isn’t sex in a relationship with your partner, then it isn’t a relationship any more. It’s just a friendship.”

    I really hated hearing that. Because it felt like she was saying that any of my past relationships were null and void, but I feel like there is a definite difference between a friendship, romantic relationship and sexual relationship. We broke up and it kind of really nailed down the fact that I’m asexual.

    Hence being here!

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