Asexual friends : Tell us your personal story…

[Anonymous]

I have always been asexual, yet didn’t come to the realisation until a close friend of mine made mention of the term around seven years ago.

During my teens I had romantic feelings for both guys and girls, though no desire or attraction on a sexual level despite the sexual experimentation that happened, all of it instigated by them.

Throughout my 20s I wasn’t involved with anyone, nor did it occur to me that the lack of sex or relationship was something unique to myself in comparison to everyone else I knew around me.

I dated infrequently throughout my early-to-mid 30s, on average around once a year, and eventually landed myself in a short-term relationship. It ended a few months later due to the lack of sexual connection.

I would only consider an asexual relationship with someone now. Thanks for reading!

[Rhys Lloyd]

It was weird realizing I was asexual. I must have been 16 in the 6th form library and we started talking about sex and masturbating and girls/boys. Listening to these stories I realized I can’t relate to anybody in the room. I’ve never thought about sex or felt the lust to masturbate or understand the attraction of another person. I mean I knew the details and could joke along.

I spent weeks after this thinking why I didn’t think about these things. These are the conclusions I came to…

My parents never talked about sex. I’m not even sure if they’ve had sex. They love eachother deeply yes but I have no idea.

I’ve always had other things (and still do). My youth was filled with rugby and football and cricket and choir and science and maths and reading. My day was wake up, eat, school, do something, go to bed. To me I never thought to fit masturbation or porn or any of that into this lovely day to day.

I hate going anywhere near down below. I mean wee and poo comes out down there. Unless I have to wash it (which even then reluctant) I keep my hands from anywhere near there as it’s such a filthy place.

It hasn’t hindered my life. I can still interact, play cricket, joke, learn without the need to have sex. I don’t even feel the need to label myself asexual as it really isn’t important.

I hope this helps you get an insight into the mind of one asexual.

P.S the one thing I still dream about is having a child. Knowing I don’t have to have sex to do that is also a nice relief as an ace

[Annalisa]

It took me a while to identify as asexual primarily because I have felt aesthetic attraction and romantic/sensual attraction to multiple people, fairly strongly if not very frequently. Even though I had a fairly good sex education compared to most, it still did not cover the difference between these types of attraction and sexual attraction, so I assumed they were the same. I’ve also felt arousal and a vague “hmm, I think I might enjoy having sex with you” towards people that I was also romantically interested in, but that’s about as close as I’ve gotten. I generally use “asexual spectrum” because I’m not sure whether grey-ace or demisexual would fit me better. I’ve never gotten so emotionally attached to someone to feel real strong sexual attraction to them, but I also can’t rule out the possibility. My romantic attraction to people is also complicated because I’m not really disappointed if/when they don’t show the same interest in me, as long as we are still friends – I’ve found that the term lithromantic describes this feeling fairly well. Ultimately I’ve decided that really what I crave is close friendships that are more like partnerships, but do not exclude either person from having any other relationships (of any variety). I think I would be comfortable with an open romantic-type relationship with someone who had sexual needs that they satisfied with other people, because I just would prefer not to feel pressured into sex, but am still keeping my options open in terms of exploring it with someone I trust. It does seem an unlikely thing to happen considering my romantic attraction to people has gotten less frequent and goes away more quickly as I grow more comfortable identifying as an asexual, so some of my interest may also be society’s programming me to think that it is something I want. Regardless, I consider myself a sex-positive and touch-positive person; I don’t feel any repulsion to it, just a lack of interest or need.

But I do enjoy being very close to people – emotionally intimate in a confidential way – and it’s hard to form relationships closer than a normal friendship without joining the dating scene, so that’s why I am here. 🙂

[Anonymous]

It will be 12 years this August that I found out about other asexuals while watching a news story on CBS. I felt relieved and I even thought of finding somebody for a romantic relationship. However, the asexual community is quite small and often introverted. I still dream about meeting the right, handsome and smart guy. I really hope that happens. I would like to explore love and romance with the right guy, while I am still, relatively, young!

[Martin]

Currently I identify myself as a gray asexual, but not “real asexual” for one reason – I sometimes feel some kind of sexual attraction but it is narrow-focused, specific and fades out with some time spent together with a person, therefore I haven’t found an appropriate partner in all my current 37 years of life.

In general, I feel some (homo)sexual attraction ONLY to the people who are at least 50, look and behave like serious, calm, intelligent and caring professors. Definitely introverts and smart people, but at the same time not snobbish nor arrogant, but completely approachable and open. Being old-fashioned – suit jacket and a tie, beard, glasses – is a plus; actually these are the things that for unknown reason make my sexual reaction stronger. But there are also some other specific facial features which I can’t even describe, but I know – if a person lacks them then I feel no sexual desire at all, I’m even repulsed by thinking about it. Also I feel sexual reaction when I imagine or dream myself being such an older man. It sounds like something auto-sexual, I guess.

It always starts with person’s facial features and behavior, and never goes further than desire for cuddling and deep friendship / bromance / some role playing. I can have sexual reactions while cuddling, but I don’t have any desire to engage in sexual activities. And when I have been seeing this person for longer periods of time, my desire seems to fade noticeably. So I guess I have to label myself asexual, despite the fact that I have some sexual reactions.

I myself am physically somewhat on the weak side, thin, underweight, and near-sighted since birth (thus no relocating, most probably), and now I’m also getting bald. And I’m shy, geeky, interested in modern technologies, psychology, science, philosophy but not serious enough to be a good conversation partner for someone who has seriously studied these sciences. I don’t care much about politics, economics (as long as it doesn’t strike me hard and leave me unemployed lol). All these factors noticeably reduce my chances for successful dating, unless the other person finds deep connection with me and likes to take care of someone shy and slightly insecure and childish. I’m generally calm and somewhat melancholic but can get excited and I like to have fun with clever jokes, irony, word plays and puns.

How I became this way? I guess, it’s because in addition to being introvert I was also heavily affected by bullying during my school years. “Look, that guy reads with his nose, he looks retarded” were the words that I heard often, and that was the easiest form of insults; there have been (and still are) much more stronger ones.

For some time I thought that my “sexual weirdness” is caused by some medical condition, but all of my hormone tests where completely in the middle of the reference zone – as normal, as they could possibly be. It might also be just some kind of “father fetish”, desire for someone strong who would protect me and teach me how to deal with bullies.

As I’m growing older, I think that I would not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I have considered dating an asexual women just because romantically I like women – to talk, to hug, to have quiet shared moments together. In my elementary school years, I had a crush on a girl and she also felt the same for me – we were jokingly called “a sweet couple” by others. I enjoyed our quiet conversations, skiing, playing fantasy roleplay games together, and just sitting quiet and enjoying the nature around us. But then she started wanting more physical intimacy and I discovered my issues, and so I had to let her go. I loved her and I wanted her to find a man who could give her everything she needed and deserved.

So, romantic relations with an asexual girl might work for me. But I’m afraid to think that my “fetish thing” might mess everything up – what if I happen to meet my “dream man” while I’m already in long term serious relations with a woman? I just don’t want to break her heart and I also don’t want to suffer myself. On the other hand, as I’m getting older, I myself am turning into that kind of man, so it is highly possible that my desire will become completely auto-sexual or completely vanish.

Oh, life is so weird when your sexual and romantic desires and bodily reactions are in conflict and so messed up…

[Susan]

I haven’t read all of the posts in this thread, so it may sound weird, but I realized today that I was asexual. So this will be brief lol

Asexual is a broad term I’ve learned in my research, but I’m still figuring it out myself so I don’t know just where I fit, I’m just glad I know that much!

I have said I was asexual in the past to explain how I didn’t care about sex before I knew what it really meant. Now, I find, I could have been far more comfortable with who I am (I sense it even after only a matter of hours). My back story may be pretty basic. In the last 20 years that I have been heterosexually active, I have never been that into it. I’ve had lesbian friends suggest I need to try women and men who think I’ve just not been with the right guy and family who have no clue what to think about my lack of relationships.

I’ve always felt like sex was my way of feeling wanted and my way of doing the same for my partner. There was never anything magical or heart wrenching about it tho. I don’t mind being single, but now that I realize that there are men out there that won’t dump me if I don’t want to have sex with them, I’d be far more open to a companion to be with. I’m open to physical contact, just not the sex. I can’t even say for sure that I’d never have sex with a partner that I developed a strong attraction to, but at this point, it seems unlikely.

Thanks for reading and I welcome any and all feedback! I’m excited (in a totally non sexual way lol)! Teach me the stuff Obi Wan!

[Paula Packard]

I was excited about this site because I am very lonely. Other sites all involves sex which I have no interest or desire for. Just want a best buddy.

[Anonymous]

It came to my mind that I might possibly be asexual maybe around the end of last year. I follow a couple aces on Twitter, and one of them may have posted an article, I believe, so I read it to learn more about asexuality. The article mentioned demisexuality, and I’d only heard about it obscurely through a comic strip where the artist drew each of its non-straight characters with pride flags, and a fan listed all of them for us who didn’t know what they were. I ended up taking 5 online tests that pointed me towards being asexual and/or gray asexual/demisexual.

It made so much sense to me because I don’t find myself sexually attracted to people. I find myself aesthetically attracted to men, but it’s very rare that I’ve found myself wanting to have sex with one. I love the thought of lying beside someone, smiling like an idiot without speaking for a few seconds (minutes would get awkward, right?), kissing, etc., but I know that I wouldn’t expect sex before a partner was ready and would, myself, shut down when pressured to have it before I felt ready to. Flirting makes me extremely uncomfortable. If a guy even stops looking at my head while talking to me or mentions my body in any way with that voice, I know to move along.

So, since taking those tests (that was February), I’ve joined just about all of the ace sites I’ve heard of, started a tumblr to chronicle my findings and support other aces/demi-aces, and tried to find the courage to meet other a-specs.

[Paula Packard]

I am a fun loving person. I have no desire or any need for sex. I do how ever still like to cuddle now and then with the right guy. I would rather have buddies rather then a boyfriend. Some one to hang out with and go on fun adventures with. I love the thought of cuddling with a guy with out having to have sex after. I have joined other dating sites but as soon as I tellthem I have no interest in sex, they want nothing to do with me. I love camping, hiking, biking, dancing with a drink or 6! Family get togethers. I don’t smoke weed any more but I don’t care if you do. So far the only men I matched to on here are from far far away. Bums me right out. I’m kind of a cougar, so I kind of find it hard to meet younger men. They all want sex! I hope to meet some one From Maine or New Hampshire in the USA.I have lots of fun and excitement to share. My email is wildrosesplace@ yahoo.com

[Paula Packard]

I am a fun loving person. I have no desire or any need for sex. I do how ever still like to cuddle now and then with the right guy. I would rather have buddies rather then a boyfriend. Some one to hang out with and go on fun adventures with. I love the thought of cuddling with a guy with out having to have sex after. I have joined other dating sites but as soon as I tellthem I have no interest in sex, they want nothing to do with me. I love camping, hiking, biking, dancing with a drink or 6! Family get togethers. I don’t smoke weed any more but I don’t care if you do. So far the only men I matched to on here are from far far away. Bums me right out. I’m kind of a cougar, so I kind of find it hard to meet younger men. They all want sex! I hope to meet some one From Maine or New Hampshire in the USA.I have lots of fun and excitement to share. My email is wildrosesplace@ yahoo.com

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I discovered the term asexuality about 2 years ago, and I knew automatically that that term fit well with my life. I am a grey-ace, so very rarely I may feel sexual. Being asexual has effected my life greatly when it comes to long-term relationships. I find being ace makes it hard for sexual partner to feel loved and needed. For the most part they just leave eventually, which is of course extremely detrimental to my psyche. I hope the good things are yet to come. I hope that I can find a partner that understands and someone I can thrive with. It would be nice to be in a relationship were both have mutual understandings and wants.

Aidan

[Anonymous]

I’ve known about the term itself, but never really thought about it. I didn’t think that was me though, for when I was younger I had attraction to women. The only problem was whenever there was any sort of flirtation with any sort of sexual innuendo I was always turned off by it. One other problem though is I have trouble just noticing when someone is attracted to me, and I think that has ultimately killed any relationships I could have had with women.

In my entire life, I have only been on one date and that was two years ago after I had seen a therapist for a while. My therapist though never introduced the term to me, and he never alluded to anything like it. I’ve been thinking for years that I am completely broken because there is just something that keeps me from really socializing with others. I struggle to understand what the right thing is to do when interacting with people, and most of my experiences with people growing up were extremely negative.

I don’t really know how to make introductions or to reach out to other people, so most of my life I only had a couple of friends. I am lonely though, and I know I would like friends. Just a couple days ago I was trying to look and see if maybe there was a website for people who may feel the same or at least similar. I’m hoping this will be a good website, but I guess we’ll see.

[Toggie]

It was my boyfriend who heard the term asexual and brought it up with me. I always just assumed I was a little weird until this term came up. I have had relationships with men but they always fell flat due to my lack of sexual need and this has been a problem in my current relationship. I am ace and even though I am still coming to terms with that I have found solace that there are other people out there who are coming to terms with this too.

[Clare]

I’m 33 and I only really figured out that I was asexual this year. So yeah, I guess you could say I was a slow learner.

I’ve had sex before, but more because I felt like I was supposed to be having sex, not because I enjoyed it. I don’t have a boyfriend, (or a girlfriend), and my friends, family and colleagues always make a big deal out of it; like, they’re more upset that I’m single than I am. If a person shows a romantic interest in me and I don’t return that interest, they get exasperated. But the problem is I just don’t feel the sexual attraction I’m supposed to. And damned if I can explain that to the people I care about in my life, because it’s only taken me till this year to figure it out myself. Does anyone else struggle with explaining it to their loved ones? Or is it just me?

[Sandy]

Cheryl B I am in the same boat as you. Marriages didn’t work cause I didn’t like sex and on dating sites first thing guys talk about is sex – I won’t even respond. I get lonely but I will not settle this time. I like to cuddle -kiss hold hands but don’t want to have sex. I am also like Anonymous I get the feelings occasionally but just don’t want to have sex. It would be nice to be with some one who thinks like me, think I will be very lonely

[Allie]

I actually have defined myself as asexual for a while, even before I actually took the time to research it. Since romantic relationships, and sexual desire, have never made much sense to me, I thought it defined my view more accurately (aside from the fact that I don’t reproduce on my own).

I got to say though, when I first looked up the term I felt a huge sense of relief. As ridiculous as it might sound, I genuinely thought I was just an oddball and that no one would really understand where I was coming from.

My family is pretty open (although perhaps not about homosexuality, so I’m glad my preferences tend toward hetero so I don’t have to deal with that) and it’s not really a big deal to them. My mom actually researched it before I did. My dad wants grandkids, but I also have two siblings who are far more sexual in nature.

So, even though I have some desire for a romantic relationship (however pg in nature) I’m extremely grateful that I didn’t have to struggle through this like so many who wrote above.

I do sense your pain though and your worry and I would like to say that if you want a relationship (in whichever way you want it) it’s out there for you. Trust that things will turn out and they will. My heart goes out to you all and I hope that you find the peace that you’re looking for, and the love. I hope that you wish me the same, as I am also still looking for the man that can love me in the way that I want.

Thank you all for being so open and sharing your stories. Best wishes to you all.

[Kylee Whitehill]

I never noticed I was different than anyone else until I entered college and it didn’t take long to notice because…college. I’d attempted checking out women to see if I was perhaps homosexual, but that had came with no results either. It was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college (2013) when I had enough of wondering and a family member kindly told me I’d “make a great companion for a quadriplegic” after mentioning my lack of sexual attraction. I simply googled “lack of sexual attraction”. Asexuality popped up immediately and I felt a huge wave of relief.

I’ve since heard the classics when I entrusted a few friends and since I decided to officially “come out” a year ago.

-Isn’t that selfish?
-You just haven’t tried it yet.
-Maybe you’re just afraid of rejection.
-Why do a man’s looks matter if you’re not sexually attracted to them?
-You’re probably gay.

The ones that hurt the worst are the people just refuse to listen and laugh at you like you’re a child. For some reason, a lack of sexual attraction or experience somehow makes you naive to your own needs because no one else understands you. It gets exhausting.

[Laurie]

Hi I must agree as I have aged I have lost interest in sex but not sensuality and i love all the contact and I had one girl friend who would rather wrestle than have sex, one day she wanted to have a fight and wanted to box me and this developed into regular boxing matches which I found satisfied any urges I had and we were both exhausted after about 15 minutes and either could stop at any time, I have never met another woman like her since we parted, I never understood why it was the way it was but it was very satisfying for both of us. We were not naked but she was bare breasted.

[Ripler]

The idea of sex has simply grossed me out ever since I got to know about the concept as a child and it had not changed as I grew up. So I have always identified as such and I know that term for over 10 years.

I like the idea of having one or – even more unrealistic – multiple romantic partners (living as a group), but when it comes to real people I already struggle so much with my ownh physical and intellectual flaws that I find it hard to accept those of others to a sufficient enough degree. And even if it happened, then the chance for it to be mutual as well…

On the bright side, I have already found an asexual, vegan, anime-liking, into gaming, sharing a lot of my views best friend on this site, so for me it was worth coming here.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Ripler.

[Karl]

I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories. It really helped me to understand I am not alone! I am 28 years old male. I’ve never have sexual intercourse. I have nearly had several times, but at the very last moment I was panicked and stopped it. Till 24-25 I was thinking I am weird, may be sick or whatsoever. Then was a short period of time, I though I might be homosexual, decided to try – still nothing. I could get attached to a person on a intellectual level – you know, to meet, to talk, watch a movie – that’s all. Came one moment, I just decided that’s it, I am stupid weirdo who can’t feel any sexual desire. One day, very accidentally I come across an article about asexuality – and that was the moment it all become clear for me. I accepted myself as pan-romantic asexual, but I still didn’t come out to my friends and family. Everyone trying to arrange some blind dates so I wouldn’t be alone and I always find some stupid reasons to escape them – but not telling the truth, because I am afraid they won’t accept and understand me. May be I will be brave enough to come out to my family or may be I will find someone like me with whom we can start an asexual relationship. I guess time will show…

[Author]

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