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There is no kangaroo in big cities. You should be fine David.
As for me, it’s been a harsh silent journey to self-acceptance and I have pushed too many people away during the process. Living on my own overseas away from my family since I was 16 turned myself into a stubborn mess.
I lost good friends, lost a lot of relationships since I refused to talk about my problems. I am somewhat in a better place now but still struggle to find friends/trust people. Tinder does not work and I chicken out every single time. The fact that I am a workaholic does not help either.I still hope that I can find my soulmate but the chance is so slim I can’t see it even though I have my glasses on.
#life“With all the spiders, sharks and kangaroos?”
Oh come on, who wouldn’t want to cuddle up next to one of these?
I suppose that this off-sets it, though:
🙂
Kate,
I appreciate you sharing your feelings in this way. I’m new to this community, but I have noticed, straight away, that most folks here seem to have really taken the time to take in, absorb, digest, and assimilate all of this, to the point at which they are ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ more clearly and with more depth than most others. May not seem like it sometimes, but I think there is truth in this.
You seem to feel pain and regret from the past relationships that have been lost as a result of your having pushed people away, and your failure to speak about the nature of the struggles in your internal world. Perhaps it’s that you were not in a place to really express what needed to be expressed at those particular points in time. Growth does tend to be a painful process, and while it’s happening, it does seem as though external expression of internal struggles is a very difficult process. And the ‘trust’ issue that you raise here is a HUGE one. Not enough space in this one reply to really cover it, but yes, truly trusting people is a big deal, particularly in our day and age, when most, if not all of us, tend to go around wearing masks. Being ‘real’ with someone takes time, commitment, and patience, and we must be honest with ourselves in asking, when exploring a relationship (w/ a friend, family member, or romantic partner), “What truly is the nature of this relationship, and how much can I share with this person?” With a few select folks, we can go deep, and that’s when truly profound levels of understanding can be reached.
In the vast majority of relationships that I have witnessed, folks really do seem to get completely caught up in the ‘feeling’ aspect of things (what we as humans experience as ’emotion’). Lot’s of infatuation and projection happening. Codependency inevitably follows, and it’s only later on in the process that the mind, i.e. one’s source of intelligence, catches up with the speeding train of emotion (compounded when sex is introduced). When folks actually step back and start ‘thinking’ about things, well, that’s when the red flags get raised. A sense of betrayal sets in, and profound sadness and anger are its byproducts. This happens at all stages of a relationship, and becomes most distressful and complicated when children have already become a part of the progression of the relationship.
“Tinder does not work and I chicken out every single time. The fact that I am a workaholic does not help either.”
None of those sites really apply to folks whose vantage point has shifted to that of the exploration of the type of companionship that is sought by those who classify as ‘asexual’ – and there appear to be many different gradations of this, which is not a surprise, as this abstruse concept called ‘love’ is a very subjective experience. And in terms of being a workaholic – feel ya there. I do tend to bury myself in study to avoid facing certain aspects of myself. And it’s an interesting conundrum, the thought of being in a committed relationship when work, study, and a constant desire for self-improvement are motivating factors. Just like any relationship that strives for depth, I believe that it comes down to a daily effort, running the course of weeks, months, years, lifetime. Whenever you’re ‘in it’, for a lifetime, it’s not going to be easy. ‘Compromise’ is inevitable, but self-fulfillment and personal growth are also of paramount importance.
“I still hope that I can find my soulmate but the chance is so slim I can’t see it even though I have my glasses on.”
I understand that you are trying to be serious here, but I couldn’t help but smile. I WANT to reply by saying, “then look with your mind and your feelings, as well as with your eyes,” but that would be getting into the ‘barf zone’ of relationship talk 🙂
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