WHO HERE IS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS AND COMMITTED NO SEX RELATIONSHIP?

[Sandra]

Hi Geraldine

Well if you want sex on occasion it may give you a few more options, maybe some sexuals with a low sex drive and some demis and greys.

You seem fairly flexible which is a good benefit too.

Sandra

[Keet]

I am. 🙂 But, disclaimer, I’m also Poly so I am on the ethical non-monogamy route. But I’d love to meet a woman who would be interested in dating me, even with a long-term other partner.

[Sandra]

Hi Keet,

Thanks for sharing that and being upfront about it, really good you do that.

[Chelsea Roberts]

I most certainly am but seems there’s not many who are

[Anonymous]

Hi guys, maybe u can help me figure something out. I am looking to be in a long term relationship, preferably monogamous but i could be flexible. I recently joined this site. My assumption was that if i met other aces they would be more into being in a relationship bc sex is not a big issue to them. I am very surprised to be learning that there are quite a few people that are aces but dont want relationships or monogomy. Im having trouble understanding this concept. Usually people that are sexual that do not want monogamy feel this way so they can have as much sex with as many partners that they want so if you are not sexual what difference does it make? Im really having trouble understanding. To me being in a relationship would mean having a best friend I could share my life with with affection and occasional sex. Okay let me but it this way, if ur not into sex whats the benefit of having multiple partners? I dont get it. I was actually explaining this to a close friend the other day and he was utterly shocked and didn’t get it either, lol. Anyway if someone could explain it to me that would be great bc right now understanding the meaning of life is actually easier to me then this.

[Polyne]

Hi!

I am too but most people on here at not very active. It could be that everyone is far from each other which might discourage people from trying…idk

@Geraldine I lean towards monogamy but I’m open to a partner seeking sexual partner(s) for themselves…I am curious as to what the answers / explanations are going to be to your inquiry

[Anonymous]

@Polyne thanks, ur explanation helped me understand a little. Ok, so if the monogamy is one sided, meaning one partner is sexual and the other is ace then I could understand why it might work that the sexual one goes outside the relationship. However, everyone on this site is an ace so on this particular website that still wouldn’t figure to me. Also I suppose your LDR theory would make sense however, again, if you are asexual I would think you have little to no desire to cheat anyway considering your orientation. I think its best to be honest but still I dont fully get it. For example, If I were in an LDR, It would be difficult to be separate but Im not that sexual anyway so would be easy for me to be faithful despite the distance. I mean Ive gone years wo having sex before, I could do it again. If I were in love and waiting to decide where to move I could def be monogamous during that time and beyond.

Hmm, yes, Im very curious to hear everyones opinions and thoughts about this

[Polyne]

@Geraldine I don’t have an answer at the moment as I have never experienced or desired to be in a traditional non-monogamous relationship (hope that made sense) but I can see how other Aces would be open to it…
I’m hoping someone might enlighten us more on this, but I do feel like not everyone is built for a monogamous relationship-Ace or not…

[Eugene]

I’ve actually never been in a relationship with another ACE. It would makes things soo much simpler.
I would very much like to meet someone looking for the same things that I am.

Which means that all of my relationships have been…well, complicated to say the least. Lol.
In the past I’ve typically been in a three way “relationship” with a married couple (with everyone aware…lol). In my experience most men are incomplete. Too emotional, or not enough. Most of the married couples I know are unhappy (its hard to be everything to one person, give them all they need). For example my last relationship was with a couple where the husband was very sexual but lacked the emotional component that I feel HAS to be there. He was happy with me there to provide that, knowing that he didn’t have to worry about me wanting sex or trying to pull her away from him.

Now. As to why asexuals wouldn’t want a committed relationship…I sadly have no clue.

I know I shouldn’t, but I usually feel broken/incomplete…I’m certainly looked at like I’m crazy for not wanting sex by the few people I’ve confided in about it.

[Polyne]

@Eugene You are not broken or incomplete imo.

I don’t know how realistic (or fair) it is to expect another human being to complete us. I do think we all have individual needs / wants but I also feel we have to work on being as complete as we can first and then be open to what a partner can provide. I know it easy to write that but in actuality, it is way more complicated.

After reading about your experience, I can relate to being with someone who I feel emotionally disconnected with. It makes you incredibly miserable. But I am glad you had an understanding of what your relationship was / wasn’t.

Last note; a lot of people are still ignorant about Aces (and the whole spectrum), they are not ready to understand or accept it.

Essentially, you are not crazy or broken for being one!!

[Keet]

I actually became Poly years before I realized I was Ace. My reasons for doing so weren’t linked to sexual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty, I have had an issue with a previous relationship that may have seemed at first to have ended due to sexual incompatibility (they were ace), but after a lot of digging and consulting multiple therapists, I found out that I identify as a panromantic with a low sexual libido (I don’t know how low…my body is so used to thinking sexual thoughts as a consequence of my abusive childhood, so really finding the balance with what I want and fighting what my body is used is annoying to say the least) because I just feel it’s great to be involved with anyone. Granted, I haven’t had the conversation yet where I just tell them that I don’t want to have sex (that would be hard), but I just want to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Also, I’m just so fucking tired of living up to this “alpha male” image that many dating books I have read told me so to get “all the ladies”, conforming to the heteronormative, that’s a product of the culture I’m from and the American culture because this advice has damaged my relationships and has costed my happiness from fully realizing what makes me happy, and that is being romantically involved with anyone without having to think about sex.

[Sandra]

Hi Brian

I actually don’t like Alpha males, I would rather have a guy who has some female traits and is skinny and even geeky. I like a soft and gentle guy, if he writes me poetry, then that’s a bonus.

I am not a typical girl and have what society would see as some male traits. I am not into marriage, or sex, and definitely not kids, – which is seems almost every ace guy even wants one of those 3. I hardly do much housework at all – don’t usually dust, wash my washing up in one go days later – use paper plates and would rather build a website any day. I am not interested in the traditional female gender role – it sucks! Not who I am. I enjoy living on my own too, although super-romantic.

I mostly get attracted to younger foreign guys and therefore I understand the culture alpha male stuff which is why I am not compatible in a relationship with foreign guys usually – who like a woman to be in the home looking after him. I am not wanting a relationship to look after a guy, he is a grown man and I am not his mother.

And yeah, a lot of dating YouTube videos encourage that too – not good!

So I am interested to know why they think you have a low libido, if you have to fight it? Is it possible that you have high arousal levels (some call it sex drive or libido) but no sexual attraction? Or do you have the attraction too and on the more Grey end of the spectrum?

[Sandra]

Hi Geraldine, just to clear a few things up for you, because yes, it is difficult to get your head around.

Some asexuals are polyamorous – this means they have multiple partners and may still be intimate with those partners, minus the intercourse. They could be both/or one or the other, physically or emotionally intimate. Therefore, if you are monogamous and didn’t realise they were poly and they were to honest about it but hiding it, or someone else said they were monogamous, but clearly had other partners, they could be considered as cheating.

So some asexuals can cheat too. They can cheat by chatting up loads of people or having more than one partner when they say they are monogamous. They can cheat through emotional intimacy too.

Some asexuals love cuddling a lot of people and may do this in a relationship with multiple people or just because they like to do it without being in a relationship – I couldn’t be with someone like that as that oversteps the boundaries for me in a personal relationship! Cuddling for me, is far more intimate than hugging a friend hello and goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Hi Sandra

That’s great! I would just love to be with someone with whom I can totally be myself without any expectations whatsoever—just simply being without any frets or worries is more than enough.

I DEFINITELY am not ready for marriage or kids, nor do I really want to be involved with anyone sexually. It kinda sucks because for partners that I am interested in, I’d like to be romantically involved with them but I’m slightly scared of telling them I don’t want to be involved with them sexually. Then I just feel like I have to deal with the questions like, “So why are you with me then?” or things of that nature. I don’t know, all of this is still be worked through. I like to give to someone and I genuinely enjoy taking care of someone and being romantic with them.

I can’t be with women that conform to the standard norm, nor do I myself see being with one. Maybe because I consider myself incapable of being with them, or gender anxiety, or whatnot? I don’t know, still being worked through. Again, independent of gender and identity, I just want to be with some whom I can share my world with.

A lot of media about dating in general—BIG NO!

So I am interested to know why they think you have a low libido, if you have to fight it? Is it possible that you have high arousal levels (some call it sex drive or libido) but no sexual attraction? Or do you have the attraction too and on the more Grey end of the spectrum?

I’d say some level of arousal is being exercised but not having sexual attraction towards any of partners. I had the concepts of sex and love confused when I was younger, so me—wanting to feel loved—engaged in this “sexual ritual” and acted on things that affected both me and the partner, because I had realized afterwards I didn’t want to do that (in addition to not being sexually attracted, which left a bad taste in my mouth). My bipolar disorder (undiagnosed at the time) also didn’t help and inflated the issue further.

For now, I haven’t experienced any genuine sexual attraction towards anyone as far as I’m concerned. Are there certain triggers that arouse me? I can verify such triggers exist. Do I want to act on them? Despite how good an orgasm can feel, I really don’t have the desire to act on it.

[Lauren]

Hmm. It’s true – I have yet to find a hetero-romantic asexual looking for a committed relationship. I am monogamous (I don’t share well with others!) but have no idea where to look.

My POF profile is pretty upfront, which leads to interesting conversations, but nothing comes from them. Is there a hetero-romantic community in Vancouver, Canada?

[Sandra]

Hi Brian. I saw your profile and you are like me in the respect you want someone who can look after themselves, that is what I need, I just want someone to love me for me, not because of anything they would like me to do for them, to me that isn’t love. I hate housework with a vengeance and do not do much. If I was doing that for a guy, it would rob me of my precious time and life, no thank you.

You sound like you may be a Grey Asexual? Do you ever experience sexual attraction but not enough to want to act on it?

I am glad you enjoyed orgasms, I didn’t even really understand what they were, if that is the same as Cumming, then sure I can do that lots but it doesn’t do anything ‘orgasmic’ for me, it is just like squirting some liquid.

I have high arousal levels but zero sexual attraction. I am not interested in having sex but I had it in the past as I thought I had to, and I always preferred my guy’s finger to his penis – being super explicit. I am not attracted to a guy below the waist and nudity repulsed so like my clothes to be on when kissing a lot. Love kissing with the right person. I would only be with an ace romantic guy, no sexual one ever again. Fiercely monogamous for me, so looking for a monogamous ace guy.

Sandra

[Anonymous]

Hi Sandra,

I mean, we’re all adult here, so I can’t see myself with someone who has a hard time capable of taking care of themselves for reasons stemming from immaturity (I am not including those who are disabled—life happens). I mean, the house needs to be taken care of when needed, but I’m not asking for it to be overdone. Plus, I like the joy of taking care of it when I am in the proper state of mind. Also, AMEN to your last sentence—I can’t do it for anyone when it’s the situation they’re not willing to put in the effort.

“You sound like you may be a Grey Asexual? Do you ever experience sexual attraction but not enough to want to act on it?”

Historically speaking, I have engaged in sexual activities that stemmed from arousal not towards my partners, but from playing images of heterosexual pornography, which is a consequence of being exposed to porn at a very young age—so that kind of “trauma” per se stirred an unhealthy addiction towards the feeling of an orgasm, and this, along with an undiagnosed personality disorder, really screwed my relationships. However, now that I’m working towards being a healthier being, I’ve realized I don’t express interest in engaging in sexual activities, nor do I desire so. Granted, the feelings of arousal are still there (historically speaking, I’d catch myself starring at particular nebulas, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore, nor do I give a fuck), and, honestly, I derive great joy and happiness in focusing on other things of my life, such as my career and my friends. As I begin to entertain it, the more I’m convinced that I don’t want sex in my life anymore, because it “feels” just right.

In regards to your comments about orgasms, it’s a great feeling, but I was not coming from a healthy space. Now that I am working towards a more fulfilling self, it’s just…there? I mean, I’ve attempted to experience it recently, and…it’s just a “there” feeling. It really doesn’t do anything for me, and it may even come off as displeasing–that’s my current experience with an orgasm.

My only worries are whether to be with someone who is sexual or not—it’s an easy yes from me to be with someone who is ace. With someone who is sexual, I haven’t found myself in the position where we would need the “sacrifices” conversation, but I would honestly prefer not to have that conversation lol. And yes, 🙂 Kissing the right person is such a great feeling.

Brian

[Anonymous]

I am looking for an asexual relationship and I am rediscovering my asexuality. This is my first post in the forums, I wanted to post a while back but couldn’t – I have full membership and they have fixed the access to the forums now phew!

[Author]

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