[Kim]

Hi,

I think my biggest problem with being ace is that I feel very lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I have loads of really amazing friends but I just can’t tell them the truth. I have tried but they don’t seem to understand. They all say it’s just about finding the right person and maybe that’s true but I am too afraid to get into any relationship because I don’t want to have that awkward conversation or be put in an awkward situation. Does it get easier telling people the more you do it?

Kim

[Matthew]

Kim the more and more people I have tried to open up to the easier things do feel but again not everyone is going to understand. I have heard the “right person” speech from dozens of people and even had one or two suggest I needed to tested like a low sex drive means there is something wrong…. but not everyone had that reaction. Some were understanding and even some of the ones that treated me weird got educated about sexuality and started to understand me.

So expect some bumps in the road but overall trying to get others to understand has helped me feel better. I still feel lonely from not really having someone to be with but at least being open and honest with friends about who I am helps.

[Kim]

Thanks Matthew, I suppose I just don’t want to have to explain or justify who I am. Telling people will imply I want their acceptance but I don’t, I just want to find someone that accepts me for me. I sometimes feel it may be better to not tell people and only tell the people I date. Friends and family who are sexual will find it very difficult to understand. I think sometimes it makes them feel bad to know that not everyone is like them and then they become defensive and imply there must be something wrong with those that are not like them. It’s not very easy and I suppose for each ace there will be a different way to deal with it.

[Sandra]

Hi Kim

Telling people is the best thing I do, ever. It educates those who do not know about it and if you say it as a matter of fact, you don’t need to justify yourself. You are just educating them.

Sandra

[Kim]

Hi Sandra

It’s good that you feel that way and that the people you know are so supportive. I suppose I need to have more trust in my friends before I take that step. I am currently at the accepting I am ace phase, I think I still have a long way to go.

Kim

[Matthew]

There are some good web comics that can help you when you do decide to tell others who are not informed.

[Kim]

Ah webcomics would be useful, do you have any links?

[Matthew]

These are my go to ones I like to use to help explain things to the uninformed

http://adriofthedead.tumblr.com/post/65540442968/okay-i-realize-this-hilariously-late-for

http://k-d-t.deviantart.com/art/Let-s-Talk-About-Asexuality-213828351

[Alle]

I just realized that I had a label. I’ve never doubted who I was and not being sexual has never bothered me. My cousin was actually the one who told me I had the label of being asexual. I like to be hugged and to hold hands but it isn’t sexual for me. In high school I had friends that were male and female and we would hug and hold hands, but it wasn’t sexual. I know they weren’t asexual but I loved the human contact. I Never had a desire for sex. I don’t get excited about sex wether in a book, on tv, or in a movie. I have had sex and well it does nothing for me when I have had it my mind can’t even focus on it. I’m just bored i always think why do people find this so exciting and thrilling. What is it about sex that makes people so excited cause I have no clue and even my partner thinks there is something wrong with me I have always known I am me and there is nothing wrong with me.

[Nicole]

That’s more or less how I’ve felt too. In high school, I always loved holding hands, little kisses here, cuddling, and all that stuff with my boyfriends. But when the time came down to them wanting more, I could never get myself to be okay with doing it. I had no problem helping their needs, but when they wanted to actually have intercourse or do something to me instead, I always said no. Later in life I was confused and thought maybe I just wasn’t into men. So I dated a woman for the last 4 years and our relationship was perfect except for the sex part. We were both on totally different ends of the spectrum and fought about it all the time. And again, I had no problem taking care of my partners needs, but she was upset that it was never equal. No one could take care of my needs because I don’t have any. And after fighting about it for so long I guess she had enough and left me a few months ago. So here I am, trying to find peace with myself and telling myself I’m not broken or strange or anything like that. I’ve never met another ace person IRL. So maybe chatting with fellow aces would help me understand who I am and that there is still hope out there.

[Kim]

Thanks Matthew

[Alle]

There I always hope out there. I think people whether male or female who have been with Asexual people think either their is something wrong with that person or that person just doesn’t care for them because for them sex is a big thing. For us sex is not a thing at all and they just don’t understand how a human can live without sex and be happy. Like I said I don’t see the big deal about sex. I never had an issue helping someone with their needs but my needs were emotional not physical. As long as someone talked to me then I was content with my relationship.
Your not alone and you may have met an asexual person who didn’t know that they were one or just didn’t know how to express themselves in that way to others.
Just keep the faith we are all in this together.

[Kim]

Hey, when you talk about meeting other people’s needs, did you do it because you enjoyed making them happy or because you felt guilty that you couldn’t please them in certain ways? I find I used to do it from a guilt point of view, which I think might be a bad thing for a long term relationship.

[Alle]

Kim,

I personally did it to make them happy. What did you feel quilty about if you don’t mind me asking? Your right about doing something for quilt point of view is not a good thing for a long term relationship.

[Kim]

Hey Alle, Well on top of being ace, it takes me very long to get comfortable with anyone entering my personal space. But most people do it naturally expecting it to be reciprocal. So I usually do stuff to please them to get that part over and done with quickly. The part that I feel guilty about is not being honest with them that it makes me uncomfortable and that I am not ready for that. I know it’s my fault but it’s taken me a long time to realise that I am not like everyone I dated in the past. Was it easy for you to accept your orientation and easy to tell people you have dated?

[Alle]

Kim,

I personally love human contact like hugs and holding hands, but my sister hated human contact unless you were a child she would let anyone touch her. If I wanted a hug from here we would do a finger hug that is the most she would give me. i was lucky to have friends that didn’t mind hugs and holding hands and know it was not a sexual thing.
I never knew I had an “orientation” until last week until my cousin told me what I was. I have always told people that I am not a sexual person. I tell them I like to hold hands, hugs, and cuddling, but with most things people don’t really hear what I say or just assume that they can change me to what they want. I can’t tell you how many people I have known who think they can just make people into what they want them to be.
The question is are you too nice to want to hurt someone’s feelings or is it just hard for you to tell people what you want and need. Most people think everyone is just like them because I think that is just part of being human.
I know that for me I believe what people tell me because I say exactly what I mean and expect others to do the same, but I’ve discovered that most people aren’t like that. They either don’t know what they want to say or just say what they think you want to hear.
I just hope that you know that you are a wonderful person and that sometimes it takes us all a while to figure out what we want or need from others around us.

[Kim]

It’s more because I don’t want to hurt their feelings but also a bit that I don’t know how to tell them. But if they want more than I am okay with I usually just end it and say I am not interested in them.

[Sandra]

Hi Alle

I am also really honest and very direct and say exactly what I think and feel. Even to the point where if I feel romantic about an ace guy and would like to be more than a friend, I just tell him, and if he does not feel the same, it’s fine, we can still be friends. I think life is too short to beat around the bush!

[Alle]

Hi Sandra!

Life is way too short! I’ve always told people who I like I like them and sometimes it goes well and others it doesn’t but it has never been an issue for me cause i’ve always been able to stay friends with people no matter. It probably helps that most things don’t phase me.

[Nicole]

Kim,

At first, I did feel guilty about it because I wanted to make her happy but I felt awkward doing these things. In the back of my mind I was always thinking of other things or how do I make her happy or I wonder if I should do this or that. But after a few years, either I just got used to it or maybe it just became second nature to where I was comfortable with it and didn’t mind doing it for her… but it was always more for her. And a part of me enjoyed it at the end because I felt the love from her and appreciation and she knew I didn’t want anything done for me. But when she broke up with me recently she said that she wished it was equal because she likes to please her partner as well and she felt hopeless. Which made me feel hopeless.

[Author]

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