Why Does Initial Enthusiasm Fades After Joining

[Sandra]

Hi Aux, yes, I have heard of black rings and met a lady wearing one at a meet. I am a heteroromantic, ‘grey’ asexual cougar.

You said about my wanting to live alone, but crave affection and interaction when in a relationship, being contradictory. I don’t disagree how that seems. I am completely quirky. I have two sides to my quirky personality. I have a strong business side to my character and I also have a huge kid side to my personality. I like writing non-fiction and I like writing picture books for 3-5 years. I love living a young and quirky, unconventional lifestyle, that would not be suitable to live with someone, and I love living on my own. I have lived on my own for 10 years and love where I live. I have two employed jobs and I am self-employed. I play dance music for hours on end and work until the early hours. I go and do what I want, when I want. I would like a Living Apart Together relationship, seeing my guy once a week for quality time and then to message and call the rest of the week. About 90% of my life is work and I love it that way. My self employed work is an extension of my personality. If I don’t find a suitable life partner, I will continue to enjoy being single. I use other sites and I am in groups. Made some good asexual friends, online and offline.

[Aux]

Sandra, I’m happy you’re good with what you are already doing and I wish you luck with your romantic endeavors :]

And that’s really cool that you’ve met aces in real life. I know there’s at least one in San Francisco since the guy made a movie about being asexual. So I know there’s gotta be some in driving distance lol.

[Anonymous]

Nah, never heard of it… I assume it started on AVEN and I’m not a member there. Glad to hear of it though! If I happen to find one I might try it out, see what happens. xD haha

[Anonymous]

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I have a very hard time balancing work/play-life, it’s either 90% work, 10% play-life or vice versa – and truthfully speaking I’d rather choose work too. But I just can’t. I hate disappointing the people I care about by telling them I don’t want to see them, I just want to work. In fact, things have gotten so bad that I’ve even had to start saying that. Even then they don’t get it!! Why is it assumed that if a person wants to put themselves in solitary confinement, there’s something wrong? Seriously, my dad won’t stop about sending me to see a psychaitrist!! Honestly.. I don’t need counseling, I need to get away from everyone and do my own thing. And then they start saying that I’ve ‘changed’, that I didn’t /used/ to be like this. I used to be an honors student, yada yada… But what I keep trying to get through to them is that before I could get by with 10% work and 90% play-life, not so anymore!! I’m an adult for pete’s sake! DX And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying really hard to change that ratio… it just hasn’t worked yet.

Sorry… I’m going to curb this before it turns into real rant. 😉

So yeah, it’d be 90% work, 10% life for most days and the reverse on vacation time for me too in the ideal relationship. xD Hopefully I’d end up with someone enjoying some of the same work as I, but if not.. we’ll be spending alot of time apart. 😉

[Anonymous]

What movie is this??

[Anonymous]

Aux ace ring may be the way forward for me. I see it like a transition to coming out. I think I need to come out. Life will be easy after that.

Yura, I have that a lot. I manage my stress well and the way it works for me is to cut of from the world for few days. My folks tends to get worried and make it more dramatic. I know that they care about me but during such times it doubles up the stress.

[Anonymous]

What do people think do we need to start a new chain of thread – may be “how asexual are we”. The way I see is that asexuality has two concepts – How one feels towards others and how one feels towards self. Or is that to intimate do discuss. i am open either way.

[Sandra]

Hi Yura

Oh I do still like some play time, although work is often also play to me, as I love what I do and “Embrace My Quirky”. I mix business with pleasure, ha!

I went out clubbing last week.

I have lived on my own for 10 years and love living on my own. I think a Living Apart Together relationship, would be best for me, if I wanted a relationship, which if the right person doesn’t come along, then I don’t want that. Just friends and stay happy being single forever. I have a very quirky, young and unconventional lifestyle and it makes me so happy that I do not want to change it. As a heteroromantic, grey asexual cougar, I absolutely love kissing and holding hands, and sensual touch. I would like to meet once or twice a week with a partner, if I had one, and go out and do stuff that we both like together and have lots of kissing time. Then the rest of the week, to keep in touch for that special connection and bond. I get bored easily and would not want to sit there watching TV, I would rather do something or do my work, that is more enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

If I was with someone who enjoyed working on the same things I do (which isn’t hard, I don’t have bizarre interests) we’d probably be spending more time together than regular partners. 😉

Hi Sandra. Yes, I’m currently working on something to do with Harry Potter so… work = play. 😀 And, I’m a collaborator by nature so I’m not working on this by myself, but seeing as I don’t have the money to drive often, most communication is through video chat.

I don’t mean to elate myself, but I actually have a decent amount of people interested in relationships with me (or that were, when I was actually around people and not holed up in my room 😉 ). I think the issue is my strong asexuality. People don’t usually expect that I guess…maybe because I don’t fit what most people seem to imagine an asexual to be like. And I’ve always been this way. From the time I was in middle school and guys would ask their friends to ask me if I ‘liked’ them or not, I made my disinterest clear. I’d say “No, I like them as a friend. That’s it.” I didn’t flip my hair and get all giggly about it and that’s probably the biggest let down a sexual person could get. xD I didn’t really say that I was asexual (though I recognized my lack of sexual interest), probably due to that people thought I was homo in denial. I don’t really know though, just sharing the rumors. 😉 Even if I might have liked them on a deeper level, no one was the wiser because I’d never let on. What’s the point in furthering what would have just ended with my obstinance?

The instances I mention above are really the only time I feel I actually give others the cold shoulder. I truly appreciate the bonds I have with others. Though my family is another thing. The ‘assume’ that just because I’m jobless, I’m not busy and have endless time to spend with them, when they want to do something. Forget about the numerous times I wanted to do something but they were off doing their own thing. For example, normal families that have the money to do so travel and go places… not mine! We have gone on 10 small trips and 2 actual vacations (one of which was to Disney World for my 1st birthday. As well as I can remember, it was a great trip. :/) Then they either ridicule me or ‘sincerely insist on getting me professional help’, mostly both, for not having a job. They take everything I do my best to explain and toss it out the window and say I’m only making excuses.

Anyhow, this is my stress talking – and for a normally stress free person such as myself, no wonder they’re worried. But really.. that’s saying something. Because the only time I get stressed is when they force their ‘correct ways’ and more upon me!

Guarav: I did think about that but I don’t want others to misunderstand. I don’t want to give off a “Are you a pure asexual or not??” impression or anything like that… But anyhow, I think a ‘What’s your ideal relationship’ thread would definitely be useful. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Yura I get your point and agree 100%. One thing that binds us in this group is we do not like physical intimacy with others. I would suggest then we start discussion on how worldly we are, may be. This is where we can talk about matters such as hobbies and eccentricity. May be ironically how do we perceive our spiritual selves.

I do not wish to start another thread and wish to continue here to retain the group we have formed.

You said – “Hi Sandra. Yes, I’m currently working on something to do with Harry Potter so… work = play” I am just curious to know more. Harry Potter series has a strange effect on me. I have read it countless times and watch whole set of movies may be more than 10 times. It just takes me away to my own world.

[Anonymous]

I have quite a few ideas for threads but I don’t like to create things others aren’t likely to use.. I’ll mention some of my general ideas here

1) What is love?
I’m actually very curious about how others percieve and would describe love. Especially from the perspective of my fellow asexuals.

2) Do you think kissing is a sexual act?
I feel odd saying it but there is something about kissing that I find a conundrum… I can’t exactly make up my mind about it, and so

3) Reversing the odds, what if 99% of the world was asexual.
In a way, it seems like an evident scenario… though again, you never know what can come out thoughtful discussion. 🙂

4) How would you direct/storyline a movie to introduce asexuality to the world?
or similarly
5) Asexuality in media.

6) Peoples reactions to your asexuality.

7) Share your strange habit(s). …I think this’d be fun. 😉

Anyhow, here are just some thoughts I’ve had.. In all honesty, I shouldn’t be spending anymore time here than I already do so I’m not going to create any new threads until I get a fair amount of work done. Feel free to start any one of those if you want though!

And don’t worry about starting another thread! Maybe it’s just me but I have the feeling no one else (new) will ever post here since it’s gone so far off topic. xD

Guarav, it is one of the many worlds I inhabit… And if your life is anything like mine, hardly a day goes by without a reference to it at the very least. 😉 I’ll message you.

[Aux]

It’s a documentary called (A)sexual. I think it’s on Netflix streaming. It’s actually a bit disheartening toward the end.

[Anonymous]

I’d bet I know why..

[Anonymous]

Yura all suggested topics are interesting and I would like to comment on all.

1. What is love – Well! humbly I accept my position here and do not consider myself as very knowledgeable in this area besides I now consider myself as grey romantic. Whatever I have learnt about love is through my own experiences. When I was in my teens I developed attraction to someone. It is difficult to put this in words but I will try. Firstly it was purely platonic. It was an intense desire to be with the person. A desire that would dominate my mind 24/7. I would want everyone to talk about this. If they would not do so, I would get annoyed and drop hints to remind them of this person’s existance. I would get emotional and cry for no reason. Day dreaming was a big aspect of this. But this was when I was 15. Recently it was with another asexual female. It was brief but was golden period of my life. I will always cherish its memories in my heart. This time it was more mature and feelings did not play much role. It felt like a new spark of life. Suddenly the mundane activities became interesting. Normally I am lazy by convenience but workaholic person but something changed this. I began event planning. Loss of sense of time when you are with that person. We talked and talked and talked and drank tea. We watched silly movies but they seemed interesting. My heart said life is beautiful. I felt like I rule the world and it is a fun place to live. I think this was love for me.

2. Is kissing a sexual act – I would demean your intellect if I just answered as – it depends. I know you are a far deeper thinker than that. I would say why tie an act or ourselves in boundaries. If it happens naturally then so be it. We will not be less or more asexuals if we do not kiss or if we kiss. Relating to above experience we never kissed and I am sure for both of us that we did not miss it either. But we cuddled and held hands.

3. Reversing the odds, what if 99% of the world was asexual – I think the world would be a better place if sex was out of equation. I certainly agree that it would be less populous. I think then relationships would be more deep and strong. I think both partners (mainly men) would more faithful. In another thread started by Aux on feeling non binary, I wonder what God thought before making two genders. Why did God separate us into genders. Why could we not be genderless or be hermaphrodite like lower animals. I think presence of sex creates carnal desires which distances us form relationships. Often relationships which do not have sex are much stronger e.g. friendships, parent and children, between siblings.

4 & 5. How would you direct a storyline of movie on asexuality – I do not consider myself that creative but there are movies which show asexuality beautifully although asexuality is not that over but obvious. Recently I watched a movie – The Magic of Belle Isle staring Virginia Madson and Morgan Freeman (playing paraplegic). It is a story of beautiful relationship between the two. It is worth watch. At least I liked it.

6. What are peoples reaction to my asexuality – People do not know yet. However I told one friend today. He was OK about it but rather bemused. He seemed as if he was finding it difficult to understand how was it possible. It almost seemed to him as if he was made to imagine that the other half of his body does not exist.

7. My odd habits – I collect boxes and battery operated motors. I have 564 motors. It is odd and I do know that I do not any use for them. The shape of boxes attracts me. It is something about their sharp corners which fascinates me. I have 347 boxes.

[Anonymous]

Wow…. now that’s a reply. xD I don’t have the chance to respond yet, but I wanted to know if you got my message?

[Anonymous]

Yes Yura I did certainly and I used all my energy in replying to this one. I will reply to your PM by PM

[Anonymous]

I now definitely know why. And I really have to say I saw this one coming. Obviously the possibilty of having to mate at some point down the line is a concern of I’ve entertained, but I don’t believe Jay is considering all the factors involved. What makes a relationship committed is in fact commitment, and not necessarily sexual commitment (though it is a form of commitment). It is much easier to commit to one person than it is multiple people, that’s just an intuitive truth. He was trying a 3 person relationship (maybe more, it was hard to tell), that didn’t work out, and his answer is because you need sexual commitment to hold things together?? I believe our species, as are others, is inherently suited for monogamy. There are exceptions, always

Ivy then introduces the concept of marriage (and then for a good balance we see a wedding :D), which if anyone doesn’t already know is what a monogamous committed relationship would be for me. I believe that marriage has been greatly belittled in our society, though it is a practise with alot of wisdom behind it. If anyone has read anything in the ‘Mates for Marriage’ group, there is a thread that discusses arranged marriages and how well they actually work out in real life as opposed to these ‘love marriages’ that are most common nowadays. It’s not marriage that has ‘failed’ in this day and age, it’s our understanding of what it is, and what it is meant for. Marriage serves many purposes but there are 2 things that are central to it, commitment and mutual support. It’s a contract. And while that can certainly exist in relationships outside of marriage, sometimes if we do not openly commit to being committed – both partners may not be of the same understanding. This deserves its own topic, definitely. Heck, if the Asexual in media thread is ever created, I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on (the end, in particular). I feel like I say that alot… I just want to hear everyone’s thoughts on everything. Long live lively discussion and debate. -raises glass of orange juice- 😉

[Anonymous]

I express my thanks to Admin for removing the disturbance from the group. I hope she does not come with another username

[Aux]

Yes, Thanks admin!

It’s kind of funny: our thread looks quite schizophrenic now that there are responses to the missing disturbance.

[Anonymous]

Yes Aux all the replies are kind of jumbled up. Does not make much sense for a new person reading it.

[Author]

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