Why Does Initial Enthusiasm Fades After Joining

[Anonymous]

It took me about half of my adult life to find that there is community of people who would want to be relationship beyond sexual intimacy and then I hit upon this site as I searched google for words – Platonic and Asexual.

The home page is welcoming and sort of in a way optimistic. It almost feels as homecoming. Things become different when you join. It seems people do not interact much. I guess predominantly because of lack of options to express yourself.

Random search results with the members areas matches me up to 80% with almost everyone. Then there is reluctance to send a message possibly because of fear of being labelled of “creepy old man”. I guess if it had an option for members indicating their age preference then it would be easier.

Nevertheless it is fascinating to see how much of common interests are there within this community. This is quite difficult to put in words but over simplistic statement would be – we all think the same interms of our approach towards life.

In hope of meeting someone soon.

Regards
G

[Anonymous]

It’s really suprising to me that this community has such little activity. Then again, perhaps the majority only come to speak to specific individuals and there’s alot of messaging going on behind the scenes…

I’m new to this site (almost 2 weeks), and like you I was really grateful to have a community that I can relate to on a very personal level. The site is very aesthetically and conceptually appealing, so even though the ‘upgrade’ took me by surprise, I was ok with paying the fee. Perhaps because I paid money to be here, I am more prone to criticism and expectation. With anything you pay for, you expect to get the very product you imagined you were getting.

It is fair to say that my expectations (perhaps unreasonable, but there) were not met, and thus it is a rather sharp blow to the enthusiam initally. However, for me, it was temporary. My expectations have adjusted, and now I only seek to make this place what I imagined it. So, I send messages to people and don’t expect one in return. I create threads and groups that have some relevance to me (that I see having relevance to others), but I no longer expect anyone to respond to it. And I just continue contributing what I will, and enjoying others contributions, and maybe some day this site will become what I originally imagined. It’s not too far off yet. 🙂

On your final point, I have noticed that myself. There seems to be a particular color here. For one matter, it seems the majority here aren’t religious! But more than that, I feel a connection to almost every profile I read.. in some way.

[Anonymous]

God this belittles me. I feel shallow. I never think that deep. I even do not know whether the replies to my initial topic are coherent or not. I cannot seem to figure out where religion and society and media influences on individual came into picture.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry. 😉

Though this is my first time encountering FlutterbyB personally, I have taken notice that they not only enjoy skinning and gutting the beast, but also cutting, seasoning (quite alot of that) and packaging it for the market. 😛

[Anonymous]

I feel I should mention what my personal expectations entailed. Really, all I expected was engaging and thought-provoking discourse (more or less on demand :P). Asexuals seem to be more intellectually given on the whole (sexual interference must be quite the handicap xD), and this site is truly well designed for that purpose. Though upon my subscription, it seemed as if the parade was long gone… Though perhaps, it never was?

I filled out the ‘looking for’ section optimistically, though it was more fun consideration than expectation. Taking from sites aimed solely at friendship/cooperation even, I have already learnt my lesson, so to speak.

And, as a Muslim I am reminded multiple times daily that this life is not paradise. 😀

[Anonymous]

I agree with you Yura there should be thought provoking discourse and one thing that stands out in asexuals is their intellectual ability to think on abstract topics. I also believe that one should have open mind in terms of approach towards life. I hardly think it is necessary to hold strong views about various issues like in Flutterby Beret has mentioned in reply. What Flutterby has said may not be wrong by any aspect but it does not accommodate the fact that there are always other alternate view on every issue and that these views too have a good lobby. I never agree with “I know it all kind of approach”

[Sandra]

I haven’t met my soulmate yet, but I do know people who are with their soulmate, so it can happen. If not, I live my idealistic life every day with myself, enjoy being single and romancing myself and creating a magical and fulfilling life for myself. Dreams can come true. I met HM the Queen at St James’s Palace In London in 2013. If you had told me years ago, I would be doing something like that in the future, I would never have believed it. I have a positive outlook on life and maybe I will be single forever, but I would rather be that, than settling for second best.

[Aux]

Honestly, I think the the answer is simple. The majority of us are introverts here. We are used to the extroverts reaching out to us. I believe this inactivity is the result of us being left to our own devices. And of course, behind the scenes messaging.

[Paul]

All very valid arguments, I think the main reason is the small number of active members.

The home page states there are around 9000 members, however I doubt if even 50% are actually active.

Regardless of any of this, it’s good to know that there is a place where we can meet like minded people 🙂

[Anonymous]

Funny thing about this. There is a group for Extroverts, and another for introverts on Ace-book.net. Last I knew (which was last week) there were 26 members in the former, to 306 in the latter. 🙂

However, I suspect that there are more introverted forum users in general.

All I can say is, I’ll try my best to reach you lovely introverts!!! xD

[Anonymous]

I agree with Aux and Paul. I wish to add that I believe majority of us are introverts because society has groomed us so. Somewhere deep inside us we are “made to feel” that not having enough interest is sexual activity is a disadvantage. There is some consolation in fact that at least there is small community in this group where people can speak with each other and feel liberated of the burden of feeling incomplete which we all are imposed upon.

[Aux]

Interesting, Gaurav.

I’d like to think I’m above being “groomed by society,” but I’ve got to admit it has certainly played a part in my preference of solitude. I was actually much more extroverted before puberty and the realization that opposite sex (and some same sex) individuals held more than platonic interest in me. Looking back on it now, wanting to avoid that interest played a sizable part in my withdrawal from people in general. I used to literally feel sick to my stomach every time someone admitted they liked me.

Paul, you make a valid point. I think people meet here and tend to keep up communications off-site. I appreciate this website and what it does for us, but there are better avenues, with superior user interfaces, to keep in touch.

[Sandra]

I am active on here. Many days I log in, sometimes more than once a day, but not many people reply. I am an extrovert, but have some introvert tendencies,such as a love of spending time doing things on my own, as well as going out socialising with friends. I went clubbing last night for almost 4 hours, with my friend and her friend, I dance quite quirkily crazy and love it. I don’t drink. I just get high on life and don’t care what people think.

[Anonymous]

Well Aux I was talking in general terms. By coincidence, I am a doctor and there are many theories proposed for introverts and extroverts but all have bases in the inner biochemistry which plays in our brains, however I feel that the cause may lie in our developmental experiences and how we start perceiving bias within society. Some of us are bold to defy it and hence become extroverts while others formulate coping strategies from within and become introverts. I would also like to share an interesting talk on ted.com on introverts (interested people can search introverts at ted.com).

I can relate to Aux in her response to someone liking her. I feel very shy and embarrassed if someone shows interest in me. The most difficult scenarios are work night outs when colleagues get drunk and start being overfamiliar. I wonder and worry – “why is she taking interest in me? what does she expect from me? Is she indicating we have sex later on?” Whatever I drank just goes out in piss and I think of exit strategy.

[Aux]

Sandra, I’ve defied my natural inclinations to not make the first move, and I’ve found the results have been a little discouraging. The people who actually reply and participate in interesting conversation make it worth it though. All in all, I’ve got mixed feelings about this site. As for your mention of quirkiness, it’s been my ace experience as well! My boyfriend and I are the same way. We’ve been known to play follow the leader and skipping wars out in public while we are out for our runs. While driving, we make a habit of serenading complete strangers at stop lights. People probably think we are total loons, but it is really freeing giving no shits. I feel like a lot of aces have that advantage.

Gaurav, I will try to find that ted talk. That really is a wonderful, edifying organization. Very thought provoking. As for your problem. I may have a solution for you, a bit of a drastic one. If you are aromantic or sure you aren’t going to find an ace in person, you could always wear a wedding band. I feel like that would really take that uncomfortable expectation out of the equation. If people ask you about it, you can always say you are marrying yourself haha. It could very well freak them out enough to not pursue you. It could also be a good filter. I’d imagine that anyone who is judgmental of such a decision isn’t someone you want to befriend anyway.

I only recommend this because most of my social anxiety went away with the arrival of my partner. All of a sudden I was taken and no longer a viable option for people to think they had a chance with me.

[Sandra]

Hi Aux

Thanks for your reply. (I Love Ted Talks). I am glad you and your partner have so much fun. It is hard as a first approacher like me, when a lot don’t respond. What’s the hardest thing, is I an a minority within a minority; as I don’t want sex, marriage or kids or to live with someone. I want a monogamous, serious and committed, Living Apart Together relationship, with a life partner, with lots of kissing. I am always having interest from sexual guys, who approach me, make an effort and I guess chase me sometimes. With asexual guys, I nearly always have to do the work and it really shouldn’t be like that. As a romantic I like contact, interaction and a vested interest. So I will be single for a long time, or forever. I love looking after myself anyhow and am very good in business, so I will stick to focusing on that.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Aux that is a very smart advice. I will keep in mind when I change jobs. In current one people already know my status.

Sandra please do not get me wrong as I say this as a compliment. I envy people like you who are hopeful an expectant of future yet content with present. You seem to be a world in yourself. I wish I could be like you.

Chances of us finding a suitable partner on this website is like a needle in a haystack. Many are content making their profiles and wishing that it would be sufficient to find someone. Many have made their profiles with only demographic details. Many never visit back to check their profiles or participate in activity. Nevertheless the world stays on hope.

[Stacey]

I agree with what everyone has said so far but I think another reason is because of the fact that the location of other users is never local to where you are so there a big gaps in terms of distance which isn’t ideal for people wanting to long term relationships due to things like travel time planning and financial expenses aswell. What I have done to try and combat this and I strongly feel recommend this to people who want to find other people close by to them is set up a group on any form of social network or related forum and Label it something Like Asexuals in and then the area or county of the place where you live. I strongly believe this will make it easier for people to meet people within realistic meeting distances of each other.

[Anonymous]

Stacey made a valid point at least that did not strike me. This is a very important factor in finding relationships. Stacey as your profile says and we all agree here that we are in someway better than the lot. It would be fair to say that we all have more emotional IQ then “sexual being” because that is our anchor in relationships. But ..

I also think of psychological barrier and the stereotypes within our brain. As we go through profiles our brain constantly passes comments – “certainly not her” or probably her” “may be her” “this is it” and finally we take the huge step of breaking the ice. As soon as we receive first message we are constantly and subconsciously judging every word and seeing whether or not the person is suitable. We do not even realise that we are not even setting foot towards friendship leave alone relationship. I guess there would be lot more activity here if such initial barriers are set free and we start first looking for friends.

[Aux]

Good idea, Stacey.

Gaurav, I hope it works out for you :]

Sandra, us ace girls greatly outnumber our counterparts. I had to chase mine down too. I lucked out that he didn’t have a profile picture or I would have been shit out of luck; many more girls would have been after his affections and I might have gotten lost in the whirlwind. That’s pretty much just the way it is for us. Lots of competition.

It is rather contradictory that in relationships you crave affection and interaction yet would want to live apart. I think it’s attainable though, or you might find that you can manage to live with someone just fine if you take into account work schedules. That is, unless you both work from home.

I never thought I would be living in a tiny house (200 square feet) with somebody, let alone living with anyone in general since I’m definitely the type of person who needs their space, but we are so involved with our own respective passions, friends, and careers that we don’t even spend that much time together (our morning walks, nights, and the occasional lazy weekend.) Long story short, sometimes we end up compromising and it all works out.

[Author]

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