Any hope for an asexual in search of love?

Asexualitic : Meet Asexuals Forums General discussion Any hope for an asexual in search of love?

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  • #4093
    Noelle
    Spectator

    Since I ever began thinking of people of the opposite sex, all I wanted was someone to stick around with me, someone who would be my best friend as well as a partner. I was never really interested in any sexual stuff, though it took me a heck of a long time to figure out that it wasn’t just some stupid teen phase or something.. Then I found this place and tried to talk to people despite crippling social anxiety, but no one really talks back.. Has anyone here actually ever started any sort of relationship with anyone else from the site, or did I just waste 1/5 of this week’s pay?

    #4105
    Lorie
    Spectator

    Hi Noelle
    I’ve only been on this site less than one week and I haven’t been able to connect with anyone here either so far. I’m hoping this will change. I just recently discovered I am Asexual and was very happy to find this website. It’s given me many answers to a lot of my behaviors.
    I believe you will have a lot of luck in finding others like yourself. Not just here but in many places.
    I am 54 years old now and still hope to find the same as you in regards to wanting someone to just stick around.
    I don’t believe you wasted your money on this site…
    L

    #4106
    Raell5
    Spectator

    My theory is that it takes sexual drive to pursue relationships..most dating sites are a bit livelier. Of course the trouble with those is that many/most of the males seem to think asking someone out entitles them to sex (EEEW).

    I’ve been here a month and a half and several people have sent private messages and asked to be my friend. Of course most are ten years younger than my kids, but conversation is always welcomed.

    I also wonder if anyone has ever found a companion here. Responses to posts seem few and far between.

    #4109
    Lorie
    Spectator

    Need for companionship is what drove me to pursue relationships. Its always been difficult dealing with the excitement/dread of meeting someone from a dating site. I believe you are correct…most men believe sex should be part of the deal. It’s been tough for me not having any sexual desire in numerous ways and seemed to affect almost every type of relationship throughout my life.

    It feels good to correspond with others like minded. I too welcome contact from anyone here but truly enjoy contact from others similar in age. I have 1 son – age 35 and 1 grandson – age 11.

    It would be so nice to actually hear about any success (even failed) relationships starting here.

    #4110
    Raell5
    Spectator

    I also have a son, soon to be 35, and also a daughter who is 32. Both are living in the USA.

    Like many demisexuals I have had a scary-strong libido all my life, but it’s not directed toward any particular gender or person. I can feel flashes of arousal toward anyone but if I try to imagine anything sexual the feeling is quickly squelched, so that I can only think sexual thoughts about one long-term mate at a time.

    For instance, I only can imagine sexual things with my last “ex” but it took almost two years of his courting me before I felt attracted to him in the first place.

    Yet, when I finally feel arousal toward a mate, it is like the libido of ten men and I love gender role switching, costumes, fantasy play, mild S & M, wild and constant variety that only a bisexual man would enjoy, which my last mate was.
    Yet even when we were together I could take it or leave it. If he wasn’t around, sex never even crossed my mind.

    I don’t even know my sexual orientation since males are the only ones so far with the persistence to pursue me that long. I fit the “panromantic” label in that I’ve always developed strong attachments in a platonic way with people of either gender, animals, areas, etc. It’s like I feel the energy connection to everything.

    But even if a male were to show an interest in me I know the relationship is doomed. Males want a stable, know-it-all female who will take over and manage their lives, make the meals, decorate the house, be their “rock,” keep them in line, be feminine for them to admire.

    I have NO domestic interests, don’t even eat cooked food, am happy in a tent or sleeping in a hammock, have no female instincts for controlling men’s bad behavior (most females know to withdraw, show indifference to men if they misbehave), I have little interest in clothes unless I am designing and making them myself for a particular purpose..ballroom gowns that allow me to spin and move, pants that let me climb trees and cliffs in comfort, etc.

    My only interest in males is in having a dance partner, for protection when running around the dangerous places I frequent, their tendency to adapt their lives to women, and their interest in the things that interest me..science, sports, politics, philosophy, outdoor stuff.

    Most women I know have no interest in joining me in any of my activities and if a woman gets a crush on me she begins trying to control my life, so I stay away.

    I have no idea how to have a lasting relationship with any gender or gender mix, but I would like to have a companion anyway.

    #4129
    Ani
    Participant

    Just to say: not every male is begging for sex or after sex. I’m not asexual (i’m demisexual) and I never approached a girl with the desire for sex in mind. We’re not all the same, there are truly sensitive men out there.

    And yes, there is hope for asexuals wanting love. Never give up!

    #4134
    Raell5
    Spectator

    Lol..who are you talking to?
    If you are talking to me, I’m a partial transmale and see myself mostly as MALE. But I’m also gender fluid..move back and forth. I have had many long-term hetero marriages and relationships. The men were all crazy about me and we had the wildest love life imaginable and we’re still friends on Facebook, but I see them primarily as pals.
    It’s like I’m a bio female, transmale gay..in a relationship I’m like a gay male, but switch back and forth. I’m an avid ballroom/jitterbug dancer, so keep meeting men who want to dance with me, then we become close friends, start hiking together, and after a year or so they tell me to “fish or cut bait” and threaten to disappear if I don’t marry them.

    it doesn’t work out because, like I said, I have no female instincts. I let the guys do as they please..not a good idea with males and eventually their increasingly bad behavior demotivates me from living with them!

    I’m equally attracted to females, on my male mode side (studies show that male traits are primarily on the right hemisphere of the brain, female traits on the right), but I backpedal out of there when they eventually start bossing me around, as they would normally do with an obedient male. My male mode side wants a boss, to submit to a female, but my female side will have NONE of it, even if I’m “madly in love” with someone.

    Actually, at this time my male mode is mourning for a lost love..a MtF high school friend who looked me up on Facebook and we were Skyping and emailing for two years. She’s the one who outed me to myself as a transmale, saying she’d been in love with me since she was 13, and still a male in body, and her lifetime dream was being my wife.

    Yet my female side is still in love with my “ex’-a gorgeous bisexual and probably demisexual airline pilot, former Navy pilot and engineer who helped design the B-1 bomber. We were married for eight years and traveled the world, went camel trekking in Australia, camping in Tasmania..(sigh) We had the wildest gender role-switching, costumes, mild S&M time, no slowing down the entire time, even when he came to visit me last year.
    I turned him down though, since he’s crazy jealous and controlling.
    I’m still so in love with him. And ONLY him.
    That’s a demisexual for you!

    #4135
    Noelle
    Spectator

    Beret, dude, not anything that you said makes sense. “Rah, rah, rah, you’re all wrong and I’m totally right!” That’s about all you said. Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t make it wrong – except for to you. It’s pretty illogical to go and tell someone they’re wrong because your personal philosophy tells you otherwise…
    Then again, nothing you said makes sense.

    #4139
    Ani
    Participant

    @ Raell5: why do you think that men would all want sex more than anything else, and want a female to be in control of them and do all the hard work? I don’t know which men you’ve been with but guaranteed this is not the standard for men out there. Neither me nor any man I have known would want someone else to control us ; we want to be control of our own lives. Of course as a couple you take certain decisions together, but in the end you don’t want anyone to control your life and do all the work for you, because you’re not an independent person anymore then. I’m sure I speak on behalf of most men when saying this is NOT something men want.

    As for wanting sex … Sadly enough this is true for many men, but believe me, most sexual girls I met had the same desires. Maybe less frequent and less dominant, but in the end I haven’t met many girls who had any interest in living a life without sex. A few girls (granted, a minority) I met were hypersexual. Maybe the percentage of hypersexual men is higher, and the libido higher than the average female libido. But there are exceptions on both sides. Not every man is looking for mainly sex, there’s men too who mainly look for love and for whom sex is just a logical consequence of love. And there’s men who have an asexual girlfriend and happily put any sexual interests aside, only persueing love. Personally, sex doesn’t repulse me (it scares me a bit, but I accepted it’s a natural thing) but at the same time my libido is relatively low and I don’t see sex as a “must happen”. I’m looking for love, and whether sex will be part of that will depend on the girl ; for me it’s optional but not necessary. I can feel serious attraction to a woman I’m already having strong feelings for, but the attraction is not that uncontroleable that I *must* have sex with her. intimacy is a big field.

    Please don’t assume all men are just after sex while leaving every other matter in the hands of their girlfriends. Things in reality don’t work like that. Maybe some men are like that, but don’t generalise please. I mean, exceptions exist everywhere ; I have met women before whose libido was very high, beyond the average male libido.

    #4141
    Raell5
    Spectator

    Hmm..I don’t want to argue with you, but if you do research on gender blends you might be surprised. I actually AM male in part of my person. I am also female in another and can move back and forth. Studies show that the high IQ creative people are mostly androgyne.

    http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/

    The males with too much female hormone influence from the womb cannot submit to females and are usually between relationships..as in typical Hollywood stars, musicians, artists, etc.
    Women with too much male hormone influence in the womb can’t instictively control men and typically the ones who are abused. Their loyal, stick-to -it-to the end male traits influence them to allow their males to act out, without kicking them to the curb. Males typically allow the male pals to act out, break their stuff without protest.
    That is MY problem also..

    As for females having strong libido, these women also have other male traits. Physical bodies develop in the womb first, and in the second trimester, the sex hormones are added to the brains. Depending on the circumstances..girls in the womb soon after the birth of a brother, drugs, stress, etc influences the hormones released to the developing brain of the baby in the womb.

    I also used to think I was a typical, hetero woman, and assumed all women think as I do. I often wondered why I wasn’t like other women, but would just try harder to “be a girl.”

    This is one of several articles I’ve read recently, about how relative finger lengths result from early exposure to hormones in the womb. Sure enough, I have a longer ring finger than index finger, indicating early exposure to testosterone and also indicating possible links to dyslexia (true) and high musical ability (true).

    http://viewzone2.com/fingers.html

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Raell5.
    #4143
    Ani
    Participant

    I prefer to speak for myself and what I see really. None of those hypersexual girls I met were very masculine, maybe to Some extent but then EVERY woman has a male side, just like EVERY man has a female Side. I also realise Some men Will want their women to be in controle of everything but these Will not be the standard. The average man treats women with due respect and values his freedom too much to even consider to “outsource” every important task or decision. There Will be such men but they are no standard for the average male out There. I would never want anyone to control my life to large extent. Taling decisions together is one thing, outsourcing your role in decisionmaking is a big “no. no.”!

    #4145
    Raell5
    Spectator

    If you are ever interested, you could read up on those links I posted, or google information. Studies show that the ONLY successful long-term marriages are those where the male is totally obedient to the female..of course, this means the male is heavy on male traits.

    Females test their romantic prospects and if the male isn’t responding only to her, she withdraws, grows quiet, says things like, “This isn’t working out” or becomes otherwise unavailable. If the male still doesn’t respond with pursuit, she moves on to a male who is willing to abandon all and obey/follow her.

    My female side is VERY weak, yet I do the same thing.

    This is true even in animals..females run from courting males because males with the highest testosterone levels are the most persistent, and they usually mate with the “winner.”
    My male mode is that way with females also..although (being demisexual) only with ONE..even though I’m only partially transmale.

    But for males heavy in the female traits, who won’t obey anyone, there are females heavy in testosterone influence they can marry. Like most males, these women overlook bad behavior in their male “friends” and allow husbands/lovers to jerk them around, cheat on them, do whatever they want. These women typically won’t leave the males, find excuses, etc, just as most males do with females who try to ditch them.

    I look very feminine, petite and attractive, and men of all ages pursue me, but they are mistaken because of unseen testosterone brain wiring that happened in the womb (I was born 11 months after my brother, so absorbed leftover male hormones).

    I even tell men I’m NOT the wife they’re looking for…I’m actually more male than female, but my hourglass figure signals “female” to their instincts. I shrug and let them hang around because I’m always in need of a ballroom/jitterbug dance and hiking partner.

    Besides, I have no sexual attraction for them (or anyone), so it’s easy to think of them as “pals.”

    I look like a female, but I’m SO NOT.
    If you read the articles you will learn many indicators of male hormone in a female and likewise, female hormone influence in males..longer ring fingers than index fingers indicate male hormone influence in the womb, also strong abilities in math, science, music, etc.

    I am strongly attracted to androgyne people of both genders. For one thing, as the first article says..they are the talented, intelligent ones. Unfortunately, they have trouble staying with mates and most people who changed the world only had children accidentally. These people are mostly pursuing obsessive interests, not willing to slow down to raise a family.

    Another article I read said that studies show that the highest IQ people are the most androgyne, and the IQ levels drop as people approach the “normal” 80% gender trait level at each end of the spectrum, yet these are the people most likely to procreate.
    In my case, I’m 60% male, according to the online gender identity test.

    Online Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory test;

    http://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Raell5.
    #4150
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Some of the people on here seriously scare me lol…

    #4170
    Nikki
    Spectator

    Lol that was a harrowing conversation, much of which it sounds like one individual is just being a “troll” Such things in my opinion are highly socially constructed (what a female/male does/should do or behave). It is the flaw of Westernized society and the perversion of the media. BUT we are entitled to our own opinion based on our own life experiences. There is ALWAYS the exception to every rule.

    I am not overly feminine and despite my “girlish features” but lack of curves lol, I find that I identify more as androgynous in the behavior spectrum (though I can relate more with males than females having grown up away from media and mainly with males) There are flaws on BOTH sides of “gender roles” and “societal norms” …obviously.

    Regardless of that lovely banter up top there… I too am keeping hope that I will one day find love. I can’t help but romanticize that I could find a partner who is also Ace or less sexually motivated/inclined but that’s unfortunately asking for a lot. I’ve semi-resolved that sacrifices will have to be made on both parts, you can’t completely deprive a sexual of sex and sexuals can’t force asexuals to have sex (or have it ALL the time/on a whim)… there is no “one is better than the other” and one should not have to settle only for the other…compromise and communication goes both ways <3

    Sadly it’s very difficult to find a chance… Ace’s are very elusive!

    #4172
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I met an asexual girl online last winter and we dated for six months. I traveled from Canada to Texas and met her and her family and it was great! We broke up due to some other differences, but that’s life! As for meeting another ace and falling in love on line??? ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE! We are all in the right place 🙂 People meet online and find life long partners every single minute of every single day. The only way you are 100% going to fail is if you give up 🙂 I won’t give up on finding love haha! I think it’s worth the search!

    #4175
    Sandra
    Participant

    Hi Flutterby Beret, I understand the Soulmate thing. Most of what you say makes sense to me. I have known since the age of 10, instinctively, that I have a soulmate. I love my single life, but find it hard, because I miss my soulmate, even though I have never met him before. I am very much like your GF. I am full time employed, PT employed and run my own self-employed businesses. I am independent. 3 years ago, I changed myself, so I now now longer need a guy, ever – Just this soulmate thing keeps getting stronger and is hard for me. Especially as I keep having some maybe near misses. I am very specific in my needs – That means I don’t want sex, marriage or kids, in a Living Apart Together Relationship – I have a full essay description in my profile. I even know roughly what the person looks like in terms of some hair colour, build, etc, where they will probably live or move to in the UK. I was not a complete soul, but now I am on my own. The only reason I can’t completely settle on my own, is because my soulmate is out there missing me, as I am him, it’s like we are magnets across the globe, and I hope we discover each other one day.

    #4179
    Ani
    Participant

    I believe people can have more than 1 soul mate or twin soul. It is hard to believe for me that of all those billions of people out there, there would be just 1 person that is truly a soul mate. That said, it’s hard to meet that soul mate, to find her out there amongst so many people. But I don’t want to focus too hard on the idea that “I have one soul mate, somewhere out there, waiting for me” … Because then I would be so focussed on that, that maybe I would miss out on truly great people, including women I could fall in love with. I don’t want to ask myself too much “is she that soul mate?”, even though I unconsciously would like to meet her.

    @ Nikki: sacrifices have to be made on both sides of a relationship, but I do think a sexual person that is truly in love, can be without sex. I’m not asexual myself (demisexual here) but I can be without sex if my future girlfriend would be totally asexual. Love is more important than sex, I’m not saying there’s something wrong with people that really adore sex, but I think even those can do without if they’re really really in love…

    #4183
    Sandra
    Participant

    Hi Ani

    I know most people I chat with in groups say they believe they have more than one soul mate. Being honest, I believe I have one soul mate. Even though I have a male friend I am close to (he has a girlfriend and wants kids, I don’t). In fact, I instinctively know it so it’s hard. Whether we will discover each other, who knows.

    #4432
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi, this is a little of topic but why is everyone being charged for their membership? I’m not paying anything and I send and receive messages. Is the membership fee only for New members or something?

    #4449
    Lenka
    Participant

    I don´t know. I haven´t paid anything too and the site works, it seems.

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