Those other forms of intimacy that are so tender and meaningful

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    So most people here are not into sex, afraid of sex (in my case) or simply not wanting it very often. Meanwhile I think most people do need some intimacy, some ways to make our lover feel how much he/she means. So which other forms of intimacy do you consider as very romantic and meaningful, to express that love?

    To me, nothing seems as beautiful as a kiss. Not just a short kiss or so, but a really long and tender kiss. Emphasis on tender. It’s so beautiful to see, so romantic, and I can only guess how heavenly it must feel. It for sure it very intimate and meaningful, normally you don’t allow people to let them come that close to you. To allow it, and share such an intimate and tender moment, means a lot. There’s a lot of love in it.

    I also love the idea of having my future girlfriend sleep in my arms. It is very tender and loving to see your partner sleep, hold her tight and care for her. Just feel her close to you, feel that she is there. And a lot of people feel very comforted and cared for when laying against one’s shoulder and feel his/her arms around them. Sleeping together can be very lovely, and it doesn’t necessarily have to include sex. It can be very romantic, even without that.

    Hugging and cuddling is Always nice ; it’s very playful and very nice, but at the same time: would you do that with someone who’s just a friend? That makes it very meaningful and strong emotionally.

    There is something very tender too in just looking in each other’s eyes full of love while slowly stroking each other’s cheeck or hair. Again, you let someone touch you in a very private place. That’s not something you allow a best friend or so to do. It makes it a very intimate moment, a very lovely moment.

    Other than those things, be creative. You can push yourself against each other very closely and lay your hands on each other’s chests, to feel each other’s heartbeat.

    In the most recent book (“Yours for eternity”) by Damien Echols & Lorri Davis, she explains how they would press themselves against the separation glass and breath heavily, in order to feel each other’s breathing through the very small openings in that glass.

    And a very personal one: I would love to read the romantic poems I have written to my future girlfriend, just sit next to her bed and read while she’s laying warm and comfortable under the duvet. But if one doesn’t like poetry, replace it by literature, or singing a song by her bed … You can make very usual things very romantic as long as you both realise the tender feelings involved in it.

    And if you really can go that far but without intercourse: sex without intercourse is very possible. It’s just the being extremely close together, giving your body away to each other, surrender but without that intercourse. That doesn’t mean the carressing, the touching each other, the sharing each other’s bodies will feel less intimate.


    I love that, that’s such a sweet sentiment and that is what I’m missing in my life, I want a partner to share all those intimate moments with.
    Hopefully soon I’ll find the right person to share these wonderful life memories with.

    Tal Spek

    I see how you see the world, and I must say it seems like the view is quite nice. On the whole, the idea of sharing emotions through more tender and more “mundane” acts appeals to me very much, and I agree with you here. However, there are some things I do not agree with you about.

    It may be just my personal boundaries, but I participate in hugs very often, and my hair and cheeks, while somewhat personal, are not very private areas, and are not reserved for anyone. Similarly, I know someone who likes cuddling enough to cuddle platonically with her good friends. These can be very meaningful, though.

    As for “sex without intercourse”, this is something I disagree with. I am asexual, which means I do not have sex. If you are claiming that all of these are sex, I am very confused by your definition. I completely agree, however, that you can be as intimate as sex while doing other things.

    I am guessing you do not have too much experience with this, right? If so, I would advise you to not decide what you will like and how much before you have tried it, you may very well be disappointed. Leave it to sort after you actually did feel that, for you may very well be surprised at how different things might feel, compared to how they seem.


    I re-read my post and must say I don’t think i would rephrase it a lot. Maybe except the “sex without intercourse” part, because I realise that sounds a bit confusing. I mean, I may had to choose a different description for that. But basically you said it very well stating anything intimate can be just as intimate as two people who would have sex, intimacy is a very wide spectrum.

    Other than that, I hope my writing wasn’t too confusing. I would still write things the same way, I hope the meaning was clear enough as I realise I may have chosen wrong words now and then. But the things I was trying to say would be the same if I had to make that post again. And maybe I should not jump to conclusions as to what I would like in general, I mainly was speaking from desires that existed and from the (limited) experience that I have. Of course that limited experience stems from the fact that I see things like cuddling and kissing as an intimate thing ; I usually let people come really close only when I’m in love. And then those things can be very beautiful, I have never really asked myself if the same things could feel right with someone who is a good friend but nothing more than that.


    Those moments when you just meet the eyes of that person, across the distance and the clamor, and you just look at eachother unabashed.

    Also, unconscious mimicry is the greatest form of complement – so when I notice it, it is really special.

    When someone asks you what you think they should wear (or buy for themselves), also a complement and a sign of intimacy. (Then again, there are some people that just don’t know what they want..I’m not talking about them haha)

    Lastly (not that this is it, but all I feel like mentioning) there’s just something really intimate to me about being active with someone you love. I’m an active person, and would be alot more so if I had the time. I think alot of people feel this urge (hence the popularity of dancing) but dancing just doesn’t seem that enjoyable…for me. But running, skating, rock climbing, mountain biking, motor biking, hang gliding, with someone I care for is just so heartening. 🙂


    I’m rather new to both the dating scene as well as the asexual community. So the other day a thought crossed my mind and I figured I would ask here to get different viewpoints.

    Say you are in a no sex relationship, and you have been in this relationship for a while. How would you spice things up without leading to sex? All the relationship books I find say you should spice up things in the bedroom, but what do you do when you are asexual?


    Asexuals don´t need to spice up things in bedroom. Maybe even some sexuals don´t need to spice up things in bedroom. And maybe some people don´t need to spice up things at all. They need to get along well with each other instead of it.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Lenka.

    Ok. I didn’t mean spice it up in bedroom. That was what the relationship book said.
    I guess what I mean is, if you start to have problems in the relationship how do you fix it? ( if your partner is a fellow asexual or if he isn’t)
    And if your partner isn’t asexual, how do you help your partner understand the ” no sex ” part? Oh and how far into the relationship would you tell him that you are asexual? I’ve heard it probably shouldnt be mentioned right when you meet them.
    As I’ve said, I’m new to everything.


    Just popped in and read this.. I have to say, I don’t think there is such a thing as a ‘no-sex’ relationship with one who isn’t an asexual of some sort (i.e., celibate, incapable, low-libido). Because any heterosexual is just as it says.. they want to mate with the opposite sex (be that with you, or someone else). If you’re not sure what you can handle/don’t want/etc, it might be better to steer clear of hetero’s for the moment..

    For myself personally, I have no interest in sex, having kids, none of it.. And I’m up front about it. I mean, pretty much everyone and their cat knows I’m asexual. 😉 Somehow it just comes up in conversation. But, let’s say I sense that someone doesn’t know and they seem interested in me.. even before we get to the ‘confession’ stage, I make sure to work it in. It’s not really hard to do, either. It usually comes up for me when discussing sexual content in movies, or the prevalence of sex services, religion, women’s position in society.. I like to talk about all such subjects, so an opportunity inevitably surfaces early on. If there somehow was no convenient opportunity, I’d mention it whenever I felt like pursuing them, or when they express interest in me. I like everything clear and straight-forward from the beginning. It saves time and effort. 🙂

    note: None of the above is to say that I’d never have sex. I’d rather not, and therefore I’d never knowingly be with someone who does not fall under the asexual umbrella. But, people’s interests can change (heck, there’s really no prediction with the demi’s :P) and so long as it doesn’t change in a way that I am personally opposed to, that’s fine. But, no one can hold it against me if I don’t satisfy, or at times flat out deny them – they had their fair warning from the very beginning!


    To Kim:
    I think the opposite – you should tell it before the relatioship even develops. If you don´t say you´re asexual, sexuals take it as leading on and it makes them angry. I received a load of hatred from sexual men just for being asexual, I was blamed for leading men on and denying sex to them…which I´ve never done, I don´t date sexuals since I know I´m asexual. But if even an innocent mention about asexuality can trigger so brutal reactions, I can´t imagine what the same person would do to me if I dated him for, let´s say, a couple of weeks and then said: “I have to tell you something, I´m asexual, I hate sex, I will probably never have sex with you.” I would probably get beaten up or raped.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Lenka.

    I would say for the most part I,m a typical asexual who needs to feel loved & wanted without the pressure or expectation of intercourse. I still get excitement from a relationship progressing from holding hands,a good cuddle session or the longing for full kisses but I wouldn’t go beyond it.

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