[Ani]

PS I copy-pasted it from a document I had written, as I discuss the issue of sex fears on multiple platforms. I hope the text is clearly understandable, copy-pasting can ruin the text’s line-out.

Anyways, I look forward to hear your stories, and hopefully some members here can comfort each other, give advise how to deal with things, or offer that listening ear that is sometimes hard to find.

[Crystal]

In short, I have a fear of intimacy due to certain traumas in my past both in childhood, as a young adult and recent. Because of this, I have difficulty with orgasms and have been pressured by former partners to achive one, which has lead to pain and/or unwanted touching. This only made my fears worse. So now I never have intercourse or oral (of any kind). I only go as far as light and loving touch. I’m so afraid that I refuse to go to anyone’s home or invite anyone over if I go on dates.

I miss the romance, the affection and the bond. I’ve never really cared for sex, only the bonding and loving. Most everyone I’ve dated refuses to respect my boundaries and I find myself lonely in not having the deeper connection with someone (man or woman).

I have only dated men and lean more preferably towards them, but I have kissed and cuddled with women. I find both genders physically attractive, but more so only when I am romantically and emotionally connected. I hardly find any people physically attractive in general and I’m even more selective about those that I find emotionally & spiritually attractive.

I end up spending a great deal of time alone or with friends and lack the motivation to date because of my fears and very seldom desire for sex with another person.

[James W]

At a younger age ( im 19 now) I too was caught up in looking at pretty women when I was out and talking to my friends about women as well. My fear came about a few years ago when things moved to fast and other traumatic experiences that made me feel humiliated afterwards. I would love to date and while I enjoy the hugs, kisses, and cuddling, I feel the strong lack of sexual desire is what holds me back

[Anonymous]

Way to personal to go into detail, but I’m basically afraid I’ll end up humiliating myself in some way, although I’m sure everyone thinks like this at some point, right?

[Ani]

Thanks for the contributions so far!

I think the fear of not being able to have a relationship due to not having sex, is very common amongst asexuals, but what makes erotophobia different is if you would like to have sex but are afraid of it somehow (as opposed to simply not feeling desire). Maybe this is something to think about, maybe some of you are sexually restricted due to fears. To find out what those fears are, can help to step by step open up. Of course, if you’re simply asexual and have no desire for sex, that’s very fine and nobody should criticise that decision.

@ Shaun : I think indeed a lot of people are afraid to not do things right, especially the first sexual experiences. But often, the other person is equally insecure (unless she has a lot more experience than you do). Is there a particular reason why you are afraid to humiliate yourself, or is it just general insecurity? The latter is very common, but some couples end up discovering their sexual preferences together, experimenting and “improving” together. It’s not uncommon and definitely nothing to feel ashamed for!

[Lenka]

I´m very much sex-repulsed and afraid of getting hurt by a man. I wasn´t always so sex-repulsed and scared like now. It´s a paradox but my fear is a result of me trying to understand sexuals. It raumatised me a lot. The more I know about them and their needs, the more it terrifies me.
I want my naivity back. When I didn´t know how important sex really is, I wasn´t afraid of sexual men. I even believed I could compromise in a relationship with sexual. But now…I could never feel safe with sexual man. It´s horrible how sex-obsessed this society is. Sex is forced to everyone, all the time. If you don´t sleep with a man at the very beginning of a relationship, he will not give you a time, he will just dump you.
Sex has nothing to do with love. It´s quite the opposite of love for me. The most of types of sex are so disgusting, degrading and violent… I could never do it.
I tend to attract the worst types of men – disgusting, dirty, drunk… they harass me and want sex from me. I live in constant fear I will not escape them one day…

[Ani]

Hi,

Relationships between sexuals and asexuals can work, but a deep Mutual is required (although isn’t that the case in any decent relationship?). I’m sorry to hear you ended up traumatised trying to understand sexuals ; while in theory I am sexual myself (but erotophobic) I agree that society is way too sex-orientated. In the old days, sex was a taboo and people had to pretend to never have it, were uneducated about safe sex, ended up with unwanted pregnancies, … Luckily we moved on from those days, but now we ended up in the other extreme where having sex has become a status symbol, and an unmissing link in life according to many people. The golden in-between has been skipped and we just moved on from one extreme (total taboo) into another extreme (libertine-esque lifestyles as a standard)

[Noelle]

Sex and sexual stuff has freaked me out for a good few years now, probably around three or four. I’m nearly nineteen. As I was maturing I seemed to have pretty normal feelings, though at a much lesser degree than my peers. I remember my friends in early middle school talking about how they wanted to touch on people of the opposite sex, while all I wanted was someone who was my best friend yet also a partner. I never had that stupid teenaged horniness, ever, though I didn’t realize what that meant until recently..
The tipping point in my fear of intimacy was not too long ago, though. It was probably about six, seven months ago. I’d been dating this guy for two years without anything sexial really going on (though he would sometimes force things upon me though I didn’t like it). I went over to his house, and his father happened to not be there. We went to his room as I usually did when I’d visit him, though he’d typically just show me stupid YouTube videos or try to get me to play TF2 or something. But not this time. I have no problem with cuddling, and that’s what we began doing. Then he forced me out of my shirt and kept trying to do things that I had no intention of ever doing. I cried a little, but only a little; I’m not the type to let people know I’m hurt. So I stopepd, through the worst fit I could without disturbing his neighbors so he’d get tired of me being there, and had him take me home. I’m also not the type to throw fits, but I had to do something to get myself out, for he was far stronger than I. I got to my room and cried for the rest of the night. I could never be alone with him again, for he had broken my trust, and it ended up breaking us up scared the hell out of me, too.. That’s kind of my only story dealing with intimacy. That’s my only encounter of that kind, and unless somethi drastic in me changes, I kind of hope it’ll be the only interraction of that kind.

[Ani]

I’m sorry to hear that. I think it’s best that, in any future situation, you clearly set your boundaries. YOU are the only one who can decide those, and the rest of the world has to respect them. Doing things against your will or letting things be done against your will, is only going to strengthen your anxiety, whereas you don’t have to do anything against your will just to please people! It is your body, your temple, your boundaries. Nobody else has the right to even question that, and you alone can decide where these boundaries lay. Nobody else has the right to even try to move those boundaries, they just have to respect them.

PS: the feeling of just wanting a partner who is also a best friend, is very recognisable. I think many of us have felt that sentiment before. Probably more so than people who are not asexual or demisexual. For us, love is a very pure thing, with focus on emotional intimacy rather than other forms of intimacy.

[Raell5]

I used to wonder why I wouldn’t look in a mirror, was disgusted at the thought or sight of my own genitals, even the odor brought nausea. I only allowed males in my life as play pals, for dancing, hiking, extreme sports where having a male companion was safer.
I had no fear of males, and even looked down on them since I could beat them at most sport despite my petite, feminine body, and knew karate also. Yet I couldn’t really relate to females very much, finding them boring and only concerned with topics I found trivial.
The only people who seemed to enjoy talking politics, sports, science, or doing anything active, were male, so they were my main pals. However I had no sexual attraction to them, and only acted like a pal, competing with and teasing them.

I always assumed “other women” thought as I did, found sex disgusting, hated men to look at them sexually, and wanted men to be their best friends.

When an old high school friend, who came out as a transsexual M to F, told me everyone saw me as male I began to read up on the subject and soon realized I’m a partial transmale..about 60 to 40 percent. Furthermore, I’m gender fluid..moving back and forth between the gender viewpoints, as they are located in different parts of the brain-male traits mainly on the right hemisphere, female on the left.

Any gender or gender combo can attract me sexually initially, but before I can imagine anything sexual, those feelings are immediately canceled by the “same sex” gender mode, quickly followed by disgust.

This is my theory on the cause of asexuality.

If someone is a close companion for over a year I can eventually feel sexual attraction, but when it kicks in, my libido is like that of ten men and I love to switch roles, do the costumes, play mild S & M, etc. that only bisexual men seem to enjoy.
Straight men are only horrified by it, and their idea of “jump on, jump off” sex is so boring I had to “zone out” to endure it.
At one point I decided I would never “get off” another person or allow someone to get me off. So from then on I did what I enjoyed doing, and took care of my own orgasms, when desired. Suddenly, sex with a long-time mate was fun!!

Luckily, my companion at that time was a 50-50 bisexual who felt the same way. But his feminine traits also made him dangerously treacherous and jealous and I had to dump him for safety reasons.

I’m convinced I would do better with a female, except that most females try to control and “fix” what they consider to be my irresponsible behavior, and the moment someone tries to tell me how to live my life, I am gone.

A typical straight male seems to love being controlled and long to give their wills over to a female, and most straight females seem to instinctively manipulate and control men through the silent, or withdrawal treatment. The male better do exactly as she wishes, or the female becomes increasingly unavailable, saying things like “This isn’t working out” or “I have other plans,” until the males learn to obey her every whim or lose her.

I don’t have that instinct, so, unsurprisingly, males walk all over me, disrespect me, until finally I reach my limit and kick them out, and never let them return.

Thanks to that behavior I always end up alone, but each time I heave a sigh of relief and dance a jig, glad to have my “space” back.

Now that I know what I am, I any dating would have to deceptive since I realize I have NO sexual attraction to anyone, but qualify for the demisexual label. I love to hang with “fellow males” but I can only play with them so long before they want more and I have NO INTEREST in giving them anything, and lack the female “tease” abilities.

I could just as easily go the female companion route, but every female who has had a crush on me has immediately tried to control me. It’s their instinct..something I lack to be able to have a male companion.

[Ani]

I don’t think control should be part of a healthy relationship, and this is something I would say to both males and females. The moment one controls the other deliberately or intentionally, there is a balance lost in the relationship. I very much believe a relationship is giving and taking in both ways, whereas I fear things get unhealthy the moment one party does all the giving and the other does all the taking. In a healthy relationship people both give and both take. I doubt it is healthy when anyone (doesn’t matter male or female) would deliberately control the other.

The fear of the own body is quite common I think amongst those with a serious sex fear. It is not necessarily the case, but I think in many cases the one contributes a lot to the other (and vice-versa ; if one has an aversion for the body, this will increase the odds to develop a fear of anything sexual)

[Lenka]

You are right that control shouldn´t be a part of a healthy relationship but how many really healthy relationships have you seen? I haven´t seen any. All people are constantly fighting to have a control over their partners, to gain more than to give…or from the opposite side – they do anything to please their partner because they are so much afraid they might lose them. The first type usually goes for the second type. It is like a curse. In perfect world it would be easy to be in a relationship but in real world it´s almost impossible, even for sexuals who have much bigger dating pool.

[Ani]

Maybe this is true in many cases, but would you want to live life feeling chanceless when it comes to love? I for sure prefer to believe in true love existing, it’s much more hopegiving than the idea that every relationship in the end would fail. I am quite sure true romance exists. Also when it does not include sex. Maybe sometimes one person gives and the other one takes, but I believe in a healthy relationship one gives and takes, and the other person does as well. And as long as there is a “more-or-less balance” there’s nothing wrong with that!

[Lenka]

I feel chanceless when it comes to love. I felt chanceless even before I knew I´m asexual.
False hopes are worse than cruel truth.

[Lenka]

Ani, don´t you think you should look for a girlfriend rather among rape or sexual abuse survivors than among asexuals?
Let´s imagine you´ll find nice asexual girl. You´ll be in a relationship for many months ot years and you will feel so safe and relaxed because she´s asexual and never puts you under pressure of sex and your erotophobia will slowly fade away… but her asexuality will never go away because asexuality is not trauma, or disease which can be healed. What then? Could you stay celibate without any problems?

[Ani]

That is an interesting question, but I had low libido even before erotophobia developped. I think and feel quite sure that if I love someone for years, I would never want to lose that person. My erotophobia could fade away, but if the love doesn’t fade away, I would not want to give that up because of sex. I believe it’s perfectly possible to have an intimate relationship without sex ; because intimacy is such a wide spectrum. Sex is one way of intimacy but there’s so many others. I don’t believe it would be hard to not have sex, even when erotophobia fades away ; the spectrum of intimacy is so big that there’s plenty of ways to be really close to each other without ever having actual sex. I don’t believe this would form a problem. It may depend on the individual, every erotophobe is different, but I can see myself love an asexual girl and fully respect her desire not to have sex, even when erotophobia would fade away.

[Virginia]

For me it all comes down to vulnerability. I don’t cry infront of anyone, not even my mother. I have a terribly difficult time asking for help. I am uncomfortable with anything that makes me feel exposed, especially emotionally. apparently I have horrible managing/coping skills when it comes to intense emotions. I become overwhelmed and that lack of control/management is terrifying, so hide behind my walls.

[Natasha Tellinghuisen]

I don’t know if I would call it “fear” of being sexually intimate, but more of uninterested and possibly even disgusted by it? I don’t see how sex really affects a relationship in a positive way, you know? Cool, you just made yourself so vulnerable you could have had a kid. Cool, some guy is inside of you. Not really interested in that whole thing. Not many teenagers now a days understand that there is more to a relationship than just being sexual.

[Ani]

Hello Natasha.

Many people on sites like this simply are uninterested in sex, or feel repulsed by it. Which is totally fine, nobody has the right to tell you what you should do or not do inside your own bedroom 🙂 This group was created specifically for those of us who also have a true fear about certain aspects of sex, or sexual acts alltogether. The nuance is that someone who is simply uninterested can go through life simply not having sex ; someone with a serious fear could end up having panic attacks when unexpectedly confrontated with sexual issues (as opposed to simply not caring and feeling indifferent). Hence this group came into existance 🙂

[Author]

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