Afraid of sex, fear of intimacyPublic Group active 1 month, 1 week ago
This group is for those who do feel attraction to either men or women and can feel physical attraction, but have a strong fear for the physical side of intimacy. This can be for erotophobia sufferers, for people who can enjoy some sexual things but not intercourse, for people with a very specific fear regarding sexuality, or for those who simply are to scared of sexuality to try it.
"Safe sex" just doesn´t exist
- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Tt.
April 11, 2015 at 8:10 am #25993LenkaParticipant
I need to vent my frustration somewhere, so…I want to know if there are more people who feel like me.
Safe sex. Two words which make no sense to me when used together in one sentence. I know it is meant to be safe in the meaning of using condoms to avoid STDs but 1) condoms are not unbreakable, so there is really no 100% certainty one will not catch STDs 2) sex as a whole thing can never be safe, espacially for a woman.
According to statistics, 25% of women and 8-10% of men were raped. The real number must be much higher because many people never report what happened to them. Many people who were raped in their relationship don´t report it because they feel like it was their duty to give sex to their partner and they deserved to be raped.
What is the real number of victims is hard to tell but from my observation of standard schauvinistic behavior of men towards women in my country I would say it will be probably about 80% (in women). Every web for rape victims is spammed by retarded guys who write shit like: “Women are overreacting, it was just a rape, it was just sex, she wouldn´t get raped if she didn´t ask for it, she´s a liar, she´s a prude, sex is normal…” Once again, this is written in comments at a web for VICTIMS OF RAPE, which was created for raped women as a safe place where they can talk to each other and share their ways how to overcome their trauma!
Men typically feel like they have a right to have sex with a woman if she went to their place and they cuddled. Cuddling automatically means to them that a woman wants sex! And “No” is not taken as “No” then. The fact that a woman maybe wanted just to cuddle, or that she wasn´t sure if she wants to have sex or nor not and she decided she doesn´t want it in the end is totally irrelevant to these bastards!
Also, if they just talk and talk to a woman how much they want to have sex and how cruel she is for denying it until they pressure her into it is totally OK for them. I think sexual coercion is rape too, only less brutal than to catch a random victim in the park, but not less dangerous. In fact, it´s the safe way for a rapist to get the victim through manipulation, instead of through pure physical violence. Because if there´s no physical violence, no injuries etc., “it wasn´t real rape”.
Because of all this shit silently accepted by this society I don´t think there´s something like safe sex. Sex can never be safe because it is always between more than one preson, and the only person you can really trust to is you. You can´t rape yourself. When there´s another person, you can never be sure what is going on in their head, you can never be sure what they want to do to you. The most of people I have met so far were bad, really bad people who only wanted to hurt me. I have no reason to think it could be different in the future.
There is only one man in this world I could be around in private place and not feel in danger – my brother who is asexual too. But male friends (rather acquaintances) are big NO for me. If I had asexual male friend I would be comfortable around him too, but never with sexual men. Never.
And my orientation is not important at all. I would stay celibate even if I were sexual.January 5, 2016 at 4:58 pm #27047Meadow RainSpectator
I like what you said and would like to add safe sex also does not exist because emotionally and psychologically and mentally it can be damaging if not with the right person under the right circumstances. Also what I consider a real asexual are people who know they do not like sex, most have tried it or put up with it but they know. Not sure if the group called,’Fear of sex and intimacy’, with its quote ,’fear is the enemy of love’, (many asexuals love) should even be considered an asexual group. I don’t want anyone mistaken it and try to experiment with or harass any members because they are not sure they don’t want it. Asexuals know and should be respected when they say it.January 25, 2016 at 9:04 pm #27161AniParticipant
I think, assuming one wants to have sex, safe sex would for sure require more than one contraceptive. Neither the contraceptive pill nor condoms are 100% sure, there is a 1-2 % chance of failure. OK, that may sound minimal, but just imagine you’re in that 1 or 2% who ends up pregnant or with a STD while not even having had “unsafe” sex…
Personally, as a demisexual, I wouldn’t mind if I wouldn’t ever have sex. I think if it’d ever happen, it’d be just to please the future girlfriend (assuming there would be one) and only if I would feel that, because of sex fears, it wouldn’t emotionally scar me.
But even if all of that is not taken into account, I would insist on her taking the pill + me using a condom or being sterilised. I would not like to rely on one method of avoiding pregnancies, so I think both partners better play safe. If any sex would happen, that is, and the occurance of sex to me is something that doesn’t keep me awake at night. I’m fine without it, and it’s not on my bucket list.
I don’t know about percentages of people who have been engaging in sex against their will due to peer pressure, pressure from their partner, or being afraid to say “no”, or rape, … But I’d be surprised too if the percentage wouldn’t be higher than the statistic you named. Which is horrible. NOBODY has the right to decide what happens with your body, except you yourself. Any other person has to respect your personal boundaries and not even try to move those boundaries. Your body, your temple. I fear too that many people (an overwhelming majority of them male, a tiny minority female) however don’t respect those boundaries due to selfishness and lack of respect for the other person, or simply because they lack the capability of understanding that not everyone is a sexual person.January 26, 2016 at 11:58 am #27166Meadow RainSpectator
There are also people out there that are nymphomaniacs or something close to it that harass others and use the media to confirm what they are pressuring people to do. Some people will do it with almost any one. I was harassed by a popular guy who said that he does it casually with others that also have multiple partners, so I said, sounded undesirable before, now just creepy. I fell like people like that are helping to spread disease with or without condoms. Besides sex people who are doing BJs do this without protection most have not even heard of a BJ condom.
I only found out about it when training to be on a crisis hotline, a lady from the organization used to go out to give mouth condoms to prostitutes…so that they don’t die on the streets like dogs from disease.April 21, 2016 at 6:30 am #27448Joshua KimSpectator
… I feel like there is a lot of assumptions and numbers being thrown around. Not that i am saying that those are wrong… but to “demonize” safe sex and correlating that to rape… i don’t get. I mean sure there are men out there who are “always” after sex, but you can’t go around over generalizing… well, you can, but it just feeds the irrational. But on the other hand, i have not experienced what most women go through when it comes to guys, but i can sympathize and help the best i can.
Again, Ani is the one with a lot of valid points here. Ani seems like they know what they are talking about and tries to make things more level instead of a “high-low” type of perception…May 18, 2016 at 8:21 pm #27552LenkaParticipant
I have borderline personality disorder, I can´t think in other way than “high-low” type of perception.June 7, 2016 at 2:07 am #27593TtSpectator
My opinion on this whole safe sex thing is it’s bull shit. It is medically proven that you can use condoms all you want and there are still STD you can get. People are being lied to when the medicals say oh just u use a condoms. Honestly there is no safe sex, and we are not talking about rape here we are talking about the contract of diseases. It is a known fact that many std are able to be given even with protection. Safe sex died along time ago when people always thought it wouldn’t happen to them didn’t use full protection, and now std s are out of control again. Now as for the physical safe sex discussion my goodness that’s opening up a whole nother can of worms
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