im really sick of trying

[Raell5]

Thanks!
I like the idea of finding a soul mate who shares my interests, or enjoys my company, but without a sexual attraction impetus to put myself out there, hard to be motivated to do what it takes.

If quantum physics is correct, deciding something should make it happen. But “hidden agendas” might be sabotaging me-as a demi-sexual, subconscious loyalty to an “ex” is no doubt the actual reason I do nothing.

I have power-walk partners, pals at work, people in many life categories I hang with on occasion, but I also go home ALONE to “my space.” Now I’m wondering how I ever managed to have a relationship in the past.

Oh yeah..it was always some sexually motivated, persistent male pursuing me relentlessly, joining me in my activities until I eventually saw him as a “pal” and allowed him in my life. Since it takes over a year to win me over, they may have been partially demi-sexual themselves.

[Raell5]

I joined a Third Culture Kid (people at least partially raised in one or more countries not the home country of their parents) forum that has dating groups, and a Facebook dating page. Most of the people are multi-cultural, have lived abroad in several countries, speak several languages, etc.

They are strangely similar to this group, endlessly describing future soul mates, what they would like to have in a relationship, but as far as I can tell, little romancing seems to be happening, but again, I don’t know about private messages.

People talk about not being motivated to date, not wanting to be “tied down” to a “monoculture” person and get stuck living in only one country.

Here are some of the links, if anyone from this forum wants to give it a look. Since people on those forums seem ambivalent about dating, maybe someone from here can get the ball rolling and ask someone out!

Or not.

Most TCK members seem younger than my kids, so I doubt it will do ME any good, but this asexual forum seems to have the same age demographic.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/302864523208771/

http://tckid.com

definition: http://tckid.com/what-is-a-tck.html

[Chu Mou]

Glad to hear you were able to connect with someone! I haven’t gotten any messages from anyone yet. Also, am happy to hear you didn’t let this “stranger” stay with you as a first date as that sounds like a huge leap for sure.

[Anonymous]

I can never find the right amount of “Aggressiveness” to show.

[Raell5]

I dunno how it works with others, but it seems that normal females, even people like me, respond to confident pursuit. Normal hetero males with high levels of male traits seem to go after females with such intense focus they don’t seem to notice rejection and insults.it almost seems to stimulate their “chase” instincts.

[Raell5]

I won’t say I’m a typical female, but males who have been successful with me in the past overcame my (extreme) rejection reactions by being “pals” with me at first, joking around casually, and gradually joining me in my activities and pursuits..insinuating themselves into my life slowly enough that I didn’t notice.

In my case, I’m a fanatic ballroom/jitterbug dancer, so anyone who would go dancing with me (even if he hadn’t known how to do it previously) or would go on birding hikes/climbs with me or ask me to a ballet would be successful. Of course, only a demi-sexual androgyne male would even consider doing those things, or put up with a year or more without physical “reward.” I wouldn’t even kiss! But once my demi-sexual time limit was reached my libido was stronger and kinkier than most “straight” males could handle.

But if you lack the “killer” instincts to close the deal, many females have enough male brain mapping (studies show that male hormones put most male traits in the right brain hemisphere, and female traits in the left side) they might take over the pursuit part, as they had to do with my gorgeous, talented, musical, artistic (read-androgyne) brothers, who never followed through to close the deal and lost girlfriend after girlfriend to more “male trait” males.

[adam]

I will tell you one thing, biggest killler ! as if dating asexuals wasnt hard enough for a relationship or thru online ..add in asexuality so far i finding it bull! does no one bother to reply or am i like only that replies ?

So is this it ? i screwed into feeling like a plant ! and alone WOW

[Raell5]

I think everyone might be waiting for someone else to make the first move. Maybe you can message a few people who seem to have things in common with you.

[Anonymous]

I have had a few conversions last a while but generally they don’t last more than 5 messages sadly not through my own fault but somebody else, Its a shame.

[Raell5]

Sorry about that. I suppose even females have to have hormonal motivation to socialize. It should be easier to find someone in the general population dating websites who are more into friendship and companionship than sex. In fact, it seems like MOST straight women are that way, but I could be wrong. A carefully worded dating profile should be wildly successful..”not into casual sex, interested in friendship first,” etc.

[Raell5]

The reason I think normal, hetero women will go for is from experience. When I first came to Thailand in 2010 I had a close male Thai friend, a police lieutenant. I exchanged English lessons for Thai lessons plus him driving me to all the good birding sites around Saraburi, Thailand. He was 22 and I was 58 at the time, and we both are asexual, as far as I can tell. We hiked the jungles and he helped me spot birds to photograph-I would speak Thai and he’d answer in English. We’d play soccer (football) for hours after work each night until the stars came out, cracking politic jokes, and discussing physics and constellations.

When some female foreign teachers at the International school started teasing me because I wasn’t dating anyone I said, “I don’t have to..I have ‘Dome” (his nickname).”

They asked if I were sleeping with him and I said, “Eeeeeww! Please! I’m trying to eat!” Then I said, “Who needs sex? I have the BEST part of a relationship..someone to go with me on jungle adventures, travel, talk to, and play sports with.” The women teachers glared at me. Finally one sighed and said, “Yeah, that’s all I want anyway.”

Those teachers probably represent typical females and they mostly wanted companionship also.

[adam]

i will agree with Craig, a conversation will go up to 5 conversation and women in particular just drop off without a hint of a bye and goes to make you think .. is it that too much choice, what better around the corner even in aseuxality ? Ladies right sex is off the table that one hurble out the way,common interest wel you not going to know till u chat,a profile is one thing conversation is something else .

Seem tables have changed where the guys are screaming out for the female company and women literally arent bothered WOW … IF case and wanna be a alone why come on a dating site ? it like going to a club to dance but stand in the dark corner just listen to the music… now i sound like a rating women .. blah

[adam]

ok am i the only male that feels that what happeneing here ? espcially when apparently asexuality is more in women than men .

[Raell5]

No, most people here probably feel that way. If you read the posts, many women seem to be complaining about the same thing. It seems people are waiting for everyone else. But it is instinctive for women to interact with males, then choose the one who gives them the best advantage. My working theory is that mixed gender hormones cancel each other out, causing asexual symptoms, but apparently, even in many asexual females, this choosy instinct still rules.

Or maybe asexuality cancels romantic interest for many asexual women after awhile. I know I’ve always been that way. I feel lonely, seek the company of males (in my case because we have much in common) but find myself backing away when the man shows interest.

I can only speak for myself, but a persistent male can overcome that resistance if we have enough in common to first enjoy each other’s company as friends.

But I can’t speak for most females.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a talkative mood for the moment. So yeah, I’ll use the most currently active thread so I can actually feel like I’m having a conversation.. >.> 😉

I admit, I kind of have to agree with everyone despite the fact that my in and out boxes are getting as much use as I can keep up with!

I guess I should start off by saying I’m an extrovert (ambivert, if you want to get specific), and I tend to think that’s the most influential factor at play. It seems most asexuals (at least the ones online) seem to be introverts, which maybe leads to less initiative taken for those people. So, I message people alot ..and would more than I currently do, but like I said, can’t keep up! and a good number of keep in contact. But.. here’s where the kicker is (for me, and probably many others): it seems like what starts online, stays online – and to be quite honest, I have enough of that. The majority of my friends are online. And yeah, I call them friends because were we to meet in real life, I’m sure it’d be at least as great as it is knowing them online. But yet, we just don’t because we’re either 1) too far apart, or 2) at least one of us is too busy …or, usually, both these issues.

So, what happens is you keep up with eachother but there’s this nagging feeling like ‘I’ll never get to really see them, hear them laugh in a non-digitalized way, grab their hand, just hang out together doing daily activities’. So, eventually someone’s going to let go unless: 1) you both were looking for an online-only relationship to begin with, 2) you both expect to meet eachother at some point (but acknowledge that you can’t at the moment due to circumstances), or 3) you like eachother so much that you place as much priority on this relationship as you do your in person friendships.

Actually, I do have a friend in that category. Technically, she’s in 2 and 3 because though I’d like to meet her in person, and vice-versa, she just happens to live all the way in Serbia.. So, just a little far out of my travel budget at the moment! But, she’s in 3 because even if I never actually meet her..ever, (which, I’m really hoping to next year) I’m not going to drop contact with her. This kind of situation is rare for me.. For the record, she’s been a strictly online friend this whole time (2 years). I have another friend who’s currently in the same boat, but we do talk on the phone, and we would have met except for the fact that she lives at the very farthest west end of the country, and she’s not even there when I could visit her because she’s visiting other countries..

Anyhow, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk but.. I really have more than enough online friends. I want friends to actually spend time with. Me, probably more than some people because 1) I have very few actual in-person friends to spend time with, and 2) I really like alot of contact..and since I’m no longer living with my mom all the time, some days I don’t even get a hug.. 🙁 I feel like I should mention that I don’t expect everyone (or anyone in particular) to be tactile like I am, and I’m completely ok with that… but seeing that alot of people seem to be the cuddly sort, I’m just not sure why it seems to be hard to find.

What it all boils down to then is this: I probably won’t initiate with someone I am not likely to meet in real life, unless they really interest me for some reason, or I have some other reason to contact them (language partner, for example). I see alot of people I think I’d like on this site, but I probably won’t message them if they lived, say.. in England.. 😉 I will however, enjoy great forum discussions with people while not committing to message them; and I always reply to messages, even from those whom I’m not likely to meet, when I feel like putting the time in.

One thing I should say though, I will drop off communication with someone under the following circumstances. First, I just don’t like the person (kind of obvious haha). I’m an amiable/easy-going person, so this doesn’t usually happen.. actually, I don’t think it’s ever happened – but, if it did I would just stop messaging and probably give a reason if it was deserved. Another reason (this pretty much exclusively happens with guys) is if someone finds a partner. I had a really cool mate from Ireland one time, but he found his ‘soulmate’ I think on the same website we met on, and I dropped it off with him because I just didn’t feel it was right to continue as we were. Not that anything romantic was going on persay, but we were extremely compatible (would very likely have met at some point in person) and I didn’t want to even seem to be getting between him and his girlfriend. And the final reason is I really like a person and want to meet them, but I don’t sense that they feel the same towards me. Afterall, even if it is online, who wants to be in a one-sided relationship?

[Raell5]

Books on online dating typically say that if men don’t try to make arrangements to meet you in person after four online exchanges, dump them..they either aren’t serious, or not “into you.”

I know that when I’m in a “male mode,” I don’t hesitate to make a move to be with a romantic interest, zoning in like a laser, even though I don’t feel sexual attraction.

To disable this tendency, I take “derris scandens,” a local Thai herb muscle relaxant, that integrates my gender modes.

[Anonymous]

Well I disagree with that. I mean after 4? You would come on well strong if that was the case. And as Asexual I don’t think you can automatically be romantically connected to sombody that quickly.

Maybe just me though

[Raell5]

I’m a panromantic, but that quick zoning-in-on-target behavior is from my male mode only..my female side is picky, critical, prone to resist advances. The books could be right.

For instance, my male mode is a real “closer.” Before I started taking derris scandens I’d be out on a skin-diving trip and not paying attention and suddenly realize I had several gorgeous, giggling women in tow.

I’d hastily will myself into female mode and beat a retreat, but I couldn’t help help wondering why straight women would be attracted to an apparent 62 year old female. WHAT???

I decided bold masculine confidence is part of it, but that mode also shows keen interest in his female targets, asks questions, listens to them, apparently making that side of me some sort of “chick magnet.” All without sexual attraction.

But it does show that appearance is less important than commonly thought, AND that males can hone in quickly on targets.

Perhaps if males don’t get to the point quickly in online exchanges they are showing elevated levels of (picky) female hormone influence and the books are advising females how to filter them out. I suppose most typical females want the most masculine-acting men.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Raell5.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry.. but ranting comes first. I wrote a whole long reply to all this, clicked some button funny (I guess) and it was all gone. 😐 So.. if this is a little more choppy/less well worded, that would be why.

Anyhow, it’s really funny that you bring that up Raell because right after finishing my previous message, I was about to ask a girl if she wanted to visit me (or the other way around) – and we’ve only really had like 4 substantial messages. XDD But, as Craig said – for some people that would be coming on too strong, and for some others, that’d just be downright creepy.

I think what gives me the ‘go ahead’ to do that though is a combination of my Extroversion, as well as my Intution. (I’m ENTP temprament). My intution is what gives me confidence in my knowledge of a person, even without substantial interaction. My extraversion prompts me to go ahead with that knowledge, when I like a person. It is, almost ironically, my thinking nature which tells me to hold back though. Because, I realize I have a weakness in something which is necessary for ‘success’ ..and that is empathy. Though could be sure about a person, I don’t know how they feel about me.

Care for a brief field-trip inside my head? 🙂
The geniune truth is that I live with this conclusion: If I like you and I see you to be like me, then you must like me.
Based on the following premises:
Everyone inherently likes those who are like them.
I like you.
I see you to be like me.
(Note: This is not implying degrees of likeness, but it is meant to imply positive likeness. i.e.: That which I see in you, that I see in myself, is something I like in myself (and in you).)
..but, there’s a flaw in that argument which stems from my intuition. ‘I see you to be like me’, becomes ‘you are like me’. Which then, taken with the first premise, means you must like me. This whole thought process however, completely lacks empathy. Just because I see someone to be like me, that doesn’t guarantee the other sees that as well. Even if they did, who’s to say what I see as positive likeness, another sees as positive likeness? In some aspects, my intuition and perceptiveness successfully masks lack of genuine empathy. In fact, in most cases I’d say it’s been just as useful. But, logically it is not a sound argument. Therefore, my thinking self tells me to hold back until I have more actual evidence. ..and I listen, most of the time. 😉

Also, side note, appearance is something I consider alot.. I think it does count a great deal. However, partially I think it is because our outward appearance, to a great degree, reflects our inner natures. Raell, you mention that you are panromantic. I consider myself that way though too (though we may have different meanings for the term). For me, it means that I am attracted to who you are regardless of ‘what’ you are (which is represented in part by your outward appearance, so in some way I am attracted to your outward appearance as well). Something kind of interesting happened just recently. So.. physically speaking, I really don’t like people who are ‘buff’. I like a decent layer of cushiony fat haha. But, then, I just recently saw this guy who I was actually attracted to who had a body like tarzan. :/ I really couldn’t put it together at first, it was like a contradicion. But, after getting to know him, I realized I just liked him (like everyone else). And it was in part ‘mis-represented’ by his body, from an intial consideration. I began to notice he had insecurities, which lead him to bulk up like he did. Insecurities and other aspects of him that I somehow subconsciously saw, even before actually getting to know him. Now, if he was one of those who bulked up because he thought ‘that’s just how males ought to be’, I wouldn’t have been attracted to him in the first place. Even if he bulked up because he thought ‘I just like my body like this’, it would have been a personal turn off because I don’t like people’s bodies like that.

So, I agree with you Raell, looks themselves probably don’t matter so much. But, what they represent does, and therefore looks do matter (but not necessarily in the way commonly understood). …I kind of feel like explained that very incoherently, but it’s an interesting subject and I’d be glad to clear anything up.

[Anonymous]

Is four or five messages then meet really a rule? That might make sense with someone in the same town, but on this site, someone who lives four hours by car is “close.” I just don’t feel emotionally safe with someone until we’ve talked longer than that.

[Author]

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