November 15, 2018 at 9:34 am #30711
I’m going to rent a room in someone’s house that I don’t know on craig’s list while I’m waiting for a low income apartment to become available. I’m getting a divorce and I am wondering how many people are living alone or far away from their families. I became asexual recently and I haven’t been asexual for very long and I’m wondering how asexual people are surviving without partners for so long or are they comfortable with being alone?November 15, 2018 at 12:35 pm #30713
Family has always thought of me as a loner, or “lone wolf” (not to be confused with being “lonely”). Just like asexuality/sexuality, there seems to be similar personality traits with respect to a person’s comfort in existing by themselves versus desiring the comfort of others.
I personally have always enjoyed my own company. Although I haven’t always realized this was a unique and desirable skill (society tends to indoctrinate us in many ways to think success in life is the product of being with people). And there seem to be a good number of people who go out of their way to avoid being alone with their own thoughts.
Before I came to this realization, and cultivated it as a personal strength, this unrecognized capacity (for me, at least) may well have contributed to the instability of my relationships (what ever energy I would receive from the interaction was less sustaining than the energy I’d resonate from within). Add to that the other instability from my (also unrealized) asexual tendencies, and it was a recipe for disaster.
I’m not saying we’re all capable or comfortable in existing alone, but to recognize that such isn’t a failing, and possibly an asset, can start to make the difference. For if we don’t truly know and grow comfortable with ourselves, how can be be a productive/beneficial asset as a part of a relationship?
For me, personally, a room in an unfamiliar person’s house wouldn’t be isolated enough for my tastes (unless it was closed off to allow ingress/egress apart from the living areas of the other inhabitants). I not only prefer to live alone in my own immediate living space, but to also not have close neighbors (as in just on the other side of a wall).
To explore and come to some realization of asexuality may well in itself be isolating. If people with such tendencies represent a fractional part of the population, I would think acknowledging it would be simultaneously liberating (becoming more aware and more true to oneself) and isolating (how you are may be in conflict with how others view the world).
I haven’t been in a relationship in 7 years, and in that time I feel I have come to know myself more and better than I ever have. Sure, there is the desire to want to share my life with others, to participate in the intimacy a relationship with others can create; but I no longer feel I need to be in a relationship in order to feel whole and complete (something that I did think years and years ago).
In some ways, aside from unknowing but well-meaning individuals trying to hook up every single person in existence, being asexual seems to carry, somewhat, a veil of invisibility. If not advertised, and if not in a relationship, we don’t appear in violation of any of the traditional social norms (that unfortunately so many sexual orientations experience). We can say we are “discovering ourselves” or “just haven’t found someone yet”, and that doesn’t immediately send up any red flags. Yes, once we try to communicate this aspect of ourselves, problems or incompatibilities can crop up, and that’s a whole other thing.November 15, 2018 at 2:11 pm #30714
It Is hard to find someone nearby or even in the same country. Asexuals are so far apart from each other. There seems to be only a few in each area of the world and none in some areas of the world. It seems like asexuality is a strange phenomena with its rare occurances. I am wondering how this is just occuring in a small amount of people spread so distant apart from themselves. I have to say I dont like my asexuality but that’s because it makes me abnormal as in lacking what it takes to maintain a relationship with an intimate partner and puts me at risk of becoming extremely lonely and unloved. I’m not sure many asexuals can find love. It seems like asexuality is not a result of being in a natural emotional state. If being asexual means being alone for 99% of asexuals, then I don’t know how I’m going to manage to be happy with myself, being by myself when I need someone to love.
November 15, 2018 at 10:34 pm #30716
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Rebekah.
It was posted somewhere (AVEN? Or some other asexual-oriented resource) that asexuals may may up only around 1% of the population (perhaps this? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201406/asexuality). If so, that would certainly make for a very sparse distribution. Lacking modern communication marvels like the internet, many would likely never encounter another of similar perspective or tendency.
Similarly, if such a small cohort of the overall population, and one that there still is disagreement by many “experts” over whether or not it is some distinct and normal iteration of humanity (versus some “disorder”), even just spreading awareness of it as a valid orientation remains a challenge. When did you encounter the notion of “asexuality”? Has it been many years, and through standard educational channels? Or perhaps something more happenstance?
Just think of how many people may fall under the spectrum of being asexual, yet by not being aware of it, go about their lives thinking they are abnormal and insufficient? Forced to always compare to some false gold standard. This likely contributes to the small numbers and the sparseness.
You’re only abnormal or lacking if you are forcing yourself to adhere to some unrealistic expectation that you believe you can never overcome. Yes, there may be many more “sexual” people out there, and your ideal of a relationship may be biased from a more sexualized aspect (and yes, by our very numbers we are few and far between in comparison, we are small in supply and high in demand).
There are likely many individuals, of all sorts of orientations, that never find love. By the numbers, expecting to find adequate candidates for partners in our respective backyards (unless located in some massive urban center) is certainly to be a challenge, but that doesn’t mean by virtue of being asexual automatically relegates us to a life of lonely suffering. In some ways, it is how we respond to the opportunity of discovering and realizing we are asexual, to inform and drive improvements to the self, so that we can more confidently be ourselves and be successful in a world where we may be a statistical minority.
How to cope? Some may continue to pursue more sexual (yet understanding) partners, arriving at some sort of compromise.
Some certainly go it alone.
But to be mindful of the possibility- To keep open the chance of hope: these are essential. We have a growing awareness in society, and more and more people are discovering these resources. Yes, it may be slow going, and may not grant us any guarantee of finding that love so desired, at least in a predictably short span of time, but if we don’t keep trying, keep exploring, and keep true to better understanding and being ourselves, would we not just continue to be miserable trying to live a life that apparently doesn’t work (no matter how much we’d like it to be otherwise)?
We are all unique, we each have gifts. Sometimes the challenge is to discover just how special we are (to ourselves), so we can like a more fulfilled life. It may not jive with what we think we want now, but into the future as we craft a better understanding of who we are and what makes us tick.
Personally, by your own words above.. to be going through what you are going through (divorce, alteration of living location and arrangement), that would be a significant challenge. Yet you are doing it, persevering. Is it ideal? No. Does it feel good? No. But you are taking steps, getting you from where you were to where you are going. I find that inspirational. You possess a strength I don’t know if I’d as easily be able to muster. Be mindful of that, and cherish it. For it is well worth being grateful about (and to attempt to even out the score of positives to negatives you may be experiencing).November 16, 2018 at 11:11 pm #30717
Vanessa the foxParticipant
I’m not comfortable with being alone because i gain energy from other people (with the exception of disrespectful people, clearly) and being alone costs me more energy. I’m used to being alone because i’m not socially competent, but being alone is a hard burden for me. It’s just not who i’m meant to be.
Surving without partners, barely. At this time i have more important things to worry about like my transition but once that is done, i bet the lonelyness might feel stronger. Unless if given a chance by someone i like, of course. You never know.
When alone i can operate at maximum 10-20% of my capabilities. These days doing it alone and deliberately choosing the introvert life is kind of hip, but it’s not my thing. Saying i need others seems to be a taboo. I always get speeches that i should live for myself alone. But that’s just not how i roll.
I survive, but i only survive, i don’t really live.November 17, 2018 at 9:52 am #30718
Living alone is not the safest of living arrangements…what if something happened to you and nobody was there to lend a hand?November 17, 2018 at 10:14 am #30719
Well, I am living alone. But I find it a bit strange you assume asexual people are always without a partner? I feel comfortable on my own most of the time, but that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. I lived with partners and I really missed individual space then. It exhausted me although I loved them. In my next relationship I won’t move in with my partner, I guess that’s the best for both of us 😀
Vanessa wrote it costs her energy to be alone, but I am an introvert, so I need to be alone to gain energy again.
November 18, 2018 at 2:16 pm #30722
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by Sim.
Vanessa the foxParticipant
I got all respect for introverts. It’s an alien world, but i don’t mind having some alien friends.November 22, 2018 at 1:25 am #30728
I live on own in a flat in the middle of a house. It is nice to know for safety that there are other people in the house, even though we don’t often speak.
I enjoy living on my own,more than with anyone, but still desire a super romantic relationship, but living separately.
You need to be prepared to travel or move, or find an asexual who will, in order to get a relationship.
SandraJanuary 22, 2019 at 10:22 am #30850
I live alone but I’m not lonely. Plenty of friends and not far from family. I have a cat too. I love my pussy.
That said. I don’t want to spend rest of my life on my own. When you’re older you want someone to help with health, housework et cetera. So I’m always on the lookout for somebody to spend the rest of my life with.January 27, 2019 at 1:05 am #30856
Alone and very.January 28, 2019 at 9:14 pm #30857
I’m working my way out of a bad marriage myself. I’m sorry you are going through that as well. Currently, I’m living alone in a friend’s spar condo while I put together the down payment for a house of my own. I’ve supplemented being alone at home with going out with friends.February 18, 2019 at 4:02 am #30875
I have been living alone for over a decade now that is since I have become an adult and left my parent’s home I have lived alone.
I do not see any problem with it although I felt bad in the past because society brainwashes us to think that living alone is bad. In my impression living alone is great as you can do anything you want at home and nobody will judge you.February 18, 2019 at 10:56 am #30876
I have cohabited with women in various sexual (in my younger years) and nonsexual (in later years) relationships. While I appreciate my independence and relative freedom, the loneliness does weigh on me heavier and profoundly as each year passes, especially as I feel more deeply my mortality.February 18, 2019 at 6:24 pm #30878
i live on my own and it’s been 2 and a half years since i’vebeen in a relationship.
I got a busy life as a student, so i barely even have time for a relationship hahaMarch 4, 2019 at 10:42 am #30911
I wish I could live alone, living with humans is tough.March 13, 2019 at 4:29 pm #30931
I agree with the fact that living alone is not the safest of living arrangements. On the other hand, living with a partner doesn´t give nobody the security to get a helping hand lended. It depends. What do you think about it?
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