[Sandra]

Hi, I am in groups on Facebook and seem to be in the minority. I don’t want sex, marriage or kids, am I alone?

[Jessica Sutton]

I don’t want sex or kids but I want to have a Partner.

[Anonymous]

Me. I just want a partner to love, not have sex with, get married or have kids.

[Sandra]

Hi Jia, that’s great. Have you come across any asexual guys who want the same? I have only found one and I am just friends with them.

[Emily]

I’m pretty much with you! I have no interest in having sex or children, though marriage I could probably go either way with. It just depends how things would work out with that person.

[Sandra]

Hi Emily,

Thanks for your input. It’s great to know other people feel the same. What about the guys?

[Raell5]

Been there, done that, but only reluctantly, after being blackmailed by close male friends-either threatening to never hang with me again, or talking about suicide.
It didn’t matter to me if I were married or not as long as I had a playmate. It didn’t matter what gender anyone was, but males were the only ones I’ve found who shared my interests and even approached my energy level.

After a while being married, the men would complain that I wasn’t acting like a “real woman” and also didn’t like my extremely high libido (which took years to take hold, as a demisexual) and they’d wander off to find a typical female, but I barely noticed and continued being friends with them, since that’s all I wanted anyway.

I did have two kids-a boy and a girl, and treated them like best pals as well. They were out mountain climbing and horseback riding with me a few days after birth-first in a snuggly, then on the saddle in front of me, then on their own horses. They also seem demisexual; neither are married and in fact my daughter just opened her own art gallerie and sells paintings internationally, after living in various countries around the world.

I also wander the earth, being born abroad. One gets used to learning and seeing new things, and enjoying new cultures.

[Sandra]

Hi Rachel

Thanks for sharing.

It’s great you treated them like best pals.

I noticed you said playmate.I am a one man kinda girl and not interested in a guy for sex at all. I have a friend who is sex mad and wishes she would attract the sex mad types like do. Whereas I wish, I would find the opposite. Although, I am a into kissing a lot, which is hard being single, but I can only kiss a guy I am very attracted to and prefer to be in a relationship to do that. I personally would never kiss another guy on the lips if I was in a relationship. That’s me. We are all different.

[Von]

It seems strange to me that I see so many people on this website cursing their lived experience of wanting romance/marriage without sex but not being able to find it when… we’re all here! The website is even set up a bit like a dating website insofar as it asks you what gender person you’re ‘looking for’.

I’m one of the rarer – and maybe luckier(?) ones – insofar as I also don’t want marriage or kids. It makes life much more simple, I think.

It must be so. damned. hard. to want part of the mainstream normality that is love and romance and marriage only to have a single unavoidable clause disrupt potential matches over and over like an iceberg under the water line. Relationships are built up over time and ‘hello, I will never want to have sex with you’ isn’t a great opening line.

I think dating websites must be almost mandatory for asexuals – just to provide some relief and certainty that the only people you’ll be trying to connect with are already on board with what has been a dealbreaker so many other times.

It makes me wonder – does anyone use THIS website as a dating site? Seriously so, I mean.

[Sandra]

Hi Von, I use it as an asexual dating website, still trying to find a compatible asexual match 4 years later!

[Von]

Hi Sandra,

May I ask, do you think there’s any particular reason for that? Lack of engagement by others, a lack of active ‘matching’ by the system or people living too far apart or…?

[Sandra]

Hi Von

All 3 of those definitely play a part. But there is more to it than that as well.

Many asexuals are introverts and are reactive more than active, so they wait for someone to message them.

The system does not match people well enough and you are unlikely to find many asexuals in your city where you live and even if you do, the likelihood of their needs matching your own is unlikely. So you have to either be willing to travel or be willing to move, or find a mover – someone who is able to actually practically move – so they can get in the country with the right visa. In my personal case, as I like foreign asexual guys, most heteroromantic ones live abroad and cannot come here as they cannot get a visa and I will not marry someone to do that. Also different cultures ands expectations, wants, and needs, all play their part.

Also physical needs among asexuals varies so much, from those who are touch adverse to those who want to full on strip and do everything but have penetrative sex. So incompatibilities are huge in this respect.

As you can see from this thread, there are not many who can say they don’t want sex, marriage and kids – but the minority of the minority. I also like to live separately but near my other half if I had one and love my flat so he would need to move to me.

Here are some of my personal real problems with incompatibilities – but there are many more than just these, but here you go for understanding:

I have an asexual male mate in my city, we are both looking for a relationship but 100% not each other’s type at all, no attraction whatsoever and very opposite to each other in most things.

I met a new guy not far from my city, he is Biromantic but with a preference for guys – none foreign either, which I really need for aesthetic attraction and kissing a guy. I am heteroromantic so only into guys.

I have a panromantic friend and we are so alike but he is not into kissing and I need lots passionate kissing in a relationship and he has more aesthetic attraction for guys and I look too much like a woman for him and he is not foreign.

I am a hyper-romantic and have some aromantic friends but they could not satisfy my romantic needs and 2 do not want a relationship anyway and the demiromantic one prefers me as a good friend only.

I found an asexual guy match, or rather he found me and he approached me, and asked my for an LDR when I did not know him, but he is stuck in his country for 2.5 years with study and no guarantee of coming over here so I said no and he does not even speak to me as a friend anymore.

Today I was asked by a sexual foreign guy for marriage, I have only been talking online to him for 2 weeks and we have been friends before that on Facebook since recent time before that. He reckons he can live without sex, but I don’t believe him and he has a visa problem so cannot get over here anyhow and I do not even know him.

So here are some of the complications and incompatibilities. I am also naked repulsed so do not want a guy seeing me naked! I am okay with his naked chest but nothing more. And I am not into making out but I am into passionate kissing with the tongue.

Hope this helps shed some light on the matter.

Sandra x

[Von]

That was a fascinating insight. Very eye-opening. Felt like a glimpse into an unknown subculture!

Thank you for sharing.

I hadn’t even thought of ‘relationship predators’.

Maybe we should speak to local nightclubs or something (the quieter ones maybe) and ask about asexual nights. Some near me used to do gay nights before other places opened full time… Then again, as you indicated, most asexuals seem to be introverted.

Maybe something more like those speed-dating groups, but where everyone who shows up are in the same spectrum of asexuality… Hmm.

[Sandra]

Hi Von,

Yeah most asexuals are introverted and don’t go to nightclubs and nightclubs still need to make money, they are going to cater for the masses more than the 1%. And yes, many asexuals are aromatics rather than romantics. Which is no good for those of us seeking a romantic relationship.

In India someone is doing speed dating for asexuals but they are doing it as part of host of others things too and I am not sure how that is working. I am happy to keep arranging in person asexual meetups in my city these are not used for dating, but most people who attend are on asexual dating sites, so often on the look out for someone who may be suitable for them, and they may find someone when socialising at my meets.

Sandra

[Von]

I wish them and you all the best of luck.

I wonder when the major singles websites will adapt to having an asexual option.

[Anonymous]

I do want to get married eventually but don’t care that it will probably be later than sooner. Sex isn’t something I need in my life. I do want to adopt a kid eventually but I don’t want to have a kid of my own. It was a somewhat recent decision not to have a baby of my own and I am in my early thirties so it took me awhile to decide. I have tried online dating on other sites and sometimes you can tell the men on there asexual by reading there profiles. It of course doesn’t mean they would be a good match for me. The things I look for yo determine if my asexuality would be a problem is if they say that they don’t date much or that it takes awhile to get to know them. Whenever I online date I end up either being ignored by overtly sexual men or ignoring men. I tend to just get short term chatting pals from the experience.

[Sandra]

Yeah, I can understand that with traditional dating sites. I was on Plenty of fish last year for just 10 days, before my account got deleted as I said I don’t want sex – apparently their algorithms picked up the sex award and deleted my profile, however I know other asexuals who have no sex in their profiles. I spent literally hours scrawling through profiles of foreign guys to try to find an asexual one and had no luck – I tend to only be attracted to foreign guys. So Yeah, I didn’t go back on there and create a new profile, I would rather use my time more wisely and efficiently.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the ‘been there, done that, struggled to get out’ group. I was married and pretending to be happy. Once I fell pregnant I could use that excuse ‘I’m tired’ but when my daughter hit teens it was hard to stick to!

That was the first time I told him I wanted out and he used emotional blackmail to get me to stay.

This went on and on until last November. I had Sepsis and I realised how desperate I was. He agreed to leave sex alone. But sharing a bed made me feel uncomfortable, plus he would walk in while I was changing. But the end I couldn’t stand him being 2 feet near me!

I gave in and told my mum and Aunt. They helped me to gain the strength to get out.

Now I’m separated. He’s refused a divorce. But I’m free!!!!!

I guess what I’m looking for is someone who I can talk to, someone I can cuddle up to and know they won’t expect it to lead any further. Someone who understands what it’s like to be asexual and can help me understand.

You’d think that was an easy thing to want!!

[Author]

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