It does me. Although I have no desire for sex, I substitute this notion of oneness with the necessity to be needed. It doesn’t mean that my partner is weak. It just means we have to establish a system of reliance on and for one another in terms of support, understanding and acceptance.
In my experiences with gender binary partners (In this case, truly female:truly women) who depended on me for pleasurable sex needed me to show that I needed her. It didn’t matter that I have given her protection, respect, kindness or financial security. If at the end of the day I haven’t given her the required dose of sexual pleasure, then I have in her eyes become a bum incapable of performing in the bedroom.
Most of my heterosexual relationships ended in disaster because of this. I just had no desire – I just didn’t. Eventually she began to take my lack of desire very personal and began to blame herself – Oh, Willie you don’t love me anymore, am I not pretty to you? or are you in love with someone else? There was nothing I could say to convince her that none of the above were true. Then I just stopped trying – believing that it was useless for me to attempt to force myself to display sexual prowess.
Once my asexuality became apparent to me – I realize that my lack of performance was who I am. And the requirement to perform sexually was who I was not. It was a happy occasion for me, sad for the ladies I couldn’t please, though. Now, I have the potential to have a sexless relationship with my future partner. WooWhooo!!
Then I began to think how I could develop my asexual identity for and with my future partner. How could I substitute sexual pleasure with fulfilling her afferent needs?
I knew I should have given up my heterosexual relationships long before I did but I just needed to be needed by my partner; and I had to feel that need within. And I thought giving sexual pleasure to my partner was the magic to being needed. Boy!! Was I wrong.
During small intervals in my relationships, though, I actually felt, at times, that joyful feeling of being needed. Now you may asked what did she really need? You know, that was the challenge. It wasn’t that I had to read her mind but I had to read her emotions. Emotional needs are important to some females and must be taken car of sometimes by their man.
“Masculine men” were taught not to cry, be strong, be a Man! So, in my earlier years I had no clue about the emotional needs of a woman because I was caught up in this masculine world wind.
Because I’m not driven by sex I have the ability now to make space for my partner’s needs. We should also communicate our needs to each other and make strong efforts to fulfill those needs whether emotional, spiritual, mental or platonically, etc. I can devote my energies to fully taking care of my asexual partner by taking care of her needs. I’m extremely satisfied with this arrangement.
If she can let this happen, it is empowering for each of us.
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