[Kelsey]

Just wanted to see how people stood on this. It seems like it’s still very common in 2018 in the sapphic community that “every femme needs a butch” and vice versa. Is this true for you? Do you identify as butch or femme or neither?

I am 100% femme and I would love to date another femme since I’m typically more attracted to the girly type, but I’ve definitely fallen for some girls who were more neither. And I could totally see myself with a butch too! I just tend to gravitate toward people who share my girly interests.

[Anonymous]

I’m honestly stuck in the middle. I’m 100% tomboy. It sucks im not femme enough and I’m not butch enough.. I’ve dated both sides… I tend to date people who are more relaxed.. then again I’ve dated really high maintenance girls.. I always end up regretting that 😒

[Kiah]

I’m totally with you there, Kelsey. My personal preference is def other Femmes and it always has been. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think some Futch / Tomboyish girls are super cute!! I think Butch and Femme are extremely important to some people as identifiers but I believe the stereotype is still nothing but a stereotype. In my own community, though its rather small, I see more unions between butchxbutch couples than butchxfemmes. We had our first gay marriage in my city not too long ago after the ban on gay marriage was finally abolished in my country and it was between a lovely butch couple.💖

That said, like many stereotypes I think it does have its harmful impacts. When I was young I used to worry that I wasn’t lesbian enough because though I’d never been attracted to men in my life, I was always femme and I could never find myself attracted to very Butch girls, particularly stone Butch women and as a teen I was very heavily under the impression that Lesbian relationships had to be butchxfemme and that was just how it worked. A stupid thing to think but hey, I was 14, haha.

So yeah, I think the stereotype makes it awkward for lesbians sometimes, especially young ones. I think we should just love the type of women we love and thats that. That should be something we all try keep in mind because literally, femme and butch exist and they’re often very important to people, but they don’t have to exist exclusively as as a pair to each other and the idea is very.. I don’t know… False simply put I think.

Plus, there are plenty of people who identify in the middle or simply neither so there should def be more consideration and remembrance toward that and the fact that in general we, and our relationships, are much more diverse and personal than just “femmexbutch” as the be all and end all.

[Anonymous]

I don’t invest a lot of time worrying about what gets other people through the day. What I am fed up with is the insane number of people who are comfortable asserting you have to be one or the other, the assumption being their view is “normal”.

I have been on dates having a conversation about not conforming to stereotypes with the same woman who later expresses irritation that I don’t look or act like a Stud, and the assumption being they are the Uberfemme.

Since I was a child, I have never understood why people who are wonderfully complex, interesting, messy, feel the need to oversimply, reduce each other into bite sized samples for easy consumption.

Across the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender expression, even the most socially conservative people are a mixed bag of what can loosely be called masculine and feminine traits.

In my view that is just plain intellectually and emotionally laziness, expressed by people who constantly complaining about being bored while passing up every opportunity to diving in deeper and explore their own nature and that of others.

Infinite Diversity, Infinite Combination
― TOS: “Is There in Truth No Beauty?”, DIS: “Will You Take My Hand?”

I view the world through a ecological lens, so understanding people in context is my philosophy, my science, my art. In that cultural context the definition of womanhood I was acculturated to came from watching women who were strong, intelligent, educated, capable.

Most of them born between 1900 and 1930, married their best friend, helpmate, partners, women whose husbands listened to their opinions with the same due deference they gave other men. My father’s mother was a Louisiana farm girl who put herself through college, left her redneck swamp roots, and moved the hell north first chance she got.

At church Grandma would quietly observe, “I question women who spend more time, talent, and treasure in what goes on their head, than in their head.” I mean she was a stunningly beautiful woman, but just had a different set of priorities.

Because of her, I can run like a deer in high heels, hem a dress or pair of pants by hand, change the plugs and oil in my car or motorcycle, milk a cow or goat, drive a straight row with a 1954 John Deere, read compass by day or by the stars.

The only thing that drove my Grandpa and Da crazy was my Grandma and my Mamma taking me out to play like little kids in a thunderstorm. As a child, I seriously thought they were the ones calling the storm because one or the other would point to a leaf turn over on the breeze and say, “Smell the air child. You know what that means, don’t you?”

I still love walking in the rain and how it feels on my skin, the smell of the air, the flash of lightning, and counting down the seconds until the thunder’s roll, all of that makes the blood sing in my veins. All those women are dead and gone now, but every shower or walk among the tall trees carries their memory.

Clothing, makeup, what skills we learn and development do not make us more or less womanly. I question how the women who shook their fists in the air and chanted “Biology Is Not Destiny”, women who sacrificed so much for freedom, are so quick to find another tiny box to fit into.

I am not a femme, lipstick lesbian, stud, or butch, but a rich and complicated woman, from a long line of such women. Either you invest getting to know me or don’t waste my time.

[Author]

Posts