[John]

For a group that seems to be about romance on what’s essentially a dating site, it seems surprisingly quiet.

So I guess let me be the first to say

Hi there, hope you are all doing well! 😀

[Lenka]

Because everyone is too shy.

And what if I don´t know for sure if I am romantic? Or if I am capable of a real meaningful relationship with a real person?

[Artemis]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good too!

[John]

Lenka, you can always start by talking to people as friends and then seeing where it goes from there 🙂
Personally I don’t believe in trying to begin a relationship with someone you don’t see yourself being friends with. I see romantic relationships kind of as an extension that branches off from a friendship. I hope that helps! 😀

I’m doing all right Artemis, it’s been a long week but it’s the weekend now xD
How has yours gone?

[Joy]

I think the last time I was on here, there was no topics here, so I have a valid excuse. Aside from shyness, as well, as Lenka said.

Anyway, hello, I hope that you are well too.

[Raell5]

I could technically be a pan or a heteroromantic ace-hard to tell since I don’t feel sexual attraction for any gender and the only people so far willing to hang around with me in my extremely active lifestyle have been normal men, hoping for a physical reward. What would be the motivation for a man without a sex drive, I wonder.
I’ll talk to anyone though.

[Sandra]

Hi there John

As I think I have said before in another forum, I am a heteromantic, grey asexual. Very romantic. There seems to be a lack of guys like this. Besides not wanting sex, I don’t want marriage or kids either, which seems very rare. I want a Living Apart Together relationship too. Which apparently 10% of the British population now have. I haven’t chatted with any guy, who is like me on all accounts. So will just stay happily single.

Very busy with career at the moment anyway.

take care

[John]

Haha touché. That’s definitely a valid excuse. Hopefully we can become more active now though *fingers crossed*

Rachel, I know amongst asexuals there are plenty of men who are romantics across all age groups. If they’re similar to me the emotional bond is everything they’re looking for.

[Kim]

Good Morning,

I am very new to the Asexual community. I never knew asexuality existed until last fall, which I am happy to discover about myself. Could someone explain to me what the ” ace” refers to?

[Raell5]

Thanks, John..you give me hope.
Hi, Kim! Good to met you.

From the Urban dictionary:

Ace
Asexual to any degree. Using “ace” for “asexual” gained popularity on AVEN (www.asexuality.org) and has inspired the use of the spade as a symbol of the asexual community.
1.”Are you gay?”
“No, just ace.”

[Kim]

Thank you Raell5.

[Kim]

I must say, being an asexual is difficult when it comes to relationships. I discovered myself as asexual during my relationship with my ex. Sad to say he was pissed and decided to cheat on me with my friend.( note: he knew about me not wanting sex from the get go)

So I decided to find a guy who I’m attracted to and I can live the rest of my life with who has no expectations of sex. My friends who I have talked to about these things told me that I probably won’t find the guy I’m looking for….unless he is gay. What do you all think? Thoughts?

[John]

I’m really sorry to hear that Kim. I’ve had a few failed relationships due to my lack of sexuality. Being cheating on is always a painful experience.

There are definitely many heterosexual men on here and throughout the asexual community who would want nothing more than to live a life without any sexual expectations. I don’t know what you’re looking for or what kind of man you’re attracted to so I can’t say for sure if you’ll find one, but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who would pique your interest. I don’t know about San Diego, but I know for sure that there’s a fairly active asexual community out in LA. There’s bound to be a good group out in San Diego as well. It’ll be harder just because there’s a smaller pool, but then again finding good partners for serious relationships these days is hard in general.

If you have any other questions about asexuality or just want to talk/vent about anything feel free to shoot a PM or put up a post on here. I know that there’s some odd stuff going on with memeberships or whatnot lately so if you can’t send one I know a few other sites that are more friendly with being free that I can link you too.

[Kim]

Thank you John.

It’s hard to put into words what kind of guy I am into, mainly being I haven’t really dated many to be able to figure it all out. My ex did help me in figuring out things I DON’T want in a guy at least.

He was the passive aggressive type. He would never tell me what was bothering him, but I could tell he was mad at me. when I asked him what was wrong, he would say things like ” figure it out yourself!” And would brush me off if I tried to hug, cuddle, kiss,or show any kind of affection. One time I couldn’t take it anymore and just broke down crying, it took him seeing my crying face to finally tell me what was bothering him. Apparently he was mad at me for something a complete stranger told him about me A YEAR AGO.What they told him was a complete lie, and I was upset with him that he chose to give me the cold shoulder and do those passive aggressive things instead of confronting me about what that girl said about me. He held it against me for a whole year! And I found it was started by some girl who didn’t like me because I was skinnier than her. People these days.

So yeah, I don’t want a guy who is going to be passive aggressive like that, if something is bothering him, I want him to be able to talk to me about it, especially if it has something to do with me.

Some of my guy friends told me that whole stunt he pulled made him sound like a girl more than a guy. Thoughts?

[John]

Wow, that sounds like it was quite the negative experience.

That’s indeed what most people consider more stereotypical “girl” behavior than guy behavior. Unfortunately, I hear more and more men starting to act that way in relationships both platonic and romantic.

So far, what I’ve gathered is that you don’t want a guy who’s a type2 jerk. Not much, but it’s a start 😛

[Kim]

Really? Why would most hetero guys want to start acting like girls?
I’m not sexist or anything, but most of the time when you think of a hetero guy most girls envision a prototector, or someone mature at least. Not a guy who is whiny and acts like a female.

There were good points and bad points in that 2 1/2 year relationship,and sad to say he was my very first boyfriend. So he kind of left a bad impression and makes me a little hesitant to jump right into another relationship.

He one time gave me an ultimatum “either have sex with me before April, or break up with me before April” this was back in September. I was hurt that he would say something like that to me when he knew the reasons behind why our relationship had no sex. I even told him the reasons before we got together ( we were friends for a year before we started dating) he would even say things like “ if you don’t have sex with me, then you must not love me” it felt like he was trying to manipulate me. Maybe he was trying to get me to do what he wanted since I lack relationship experience. But I actually have a strong will and is not easy to manipulate me, which I think is what he was really getting irritated with. Funny how when I reminded him of the way he was acting during our relationship he says “sex didn’t matter to me, I’ve told you that“….I don’t know what his game is.

I found out he was cheating on me with a friend of ours this past Christmas eve, and we officially broke up on December 27th.
He was secretly dating her for at least 2 weeks before we broke up.
From what they both have told me, she had no idea we were still together, because he told her we already broke up…. funny how we could be broken up without me knowing. So yeah he lied to her about it.
When I later asked him about why he cheated on me, he said he didn’t feel it was cheating because he ” already had my ducks lined up in a row“. He also said he was already intending to break up with me, so he didn’t see it as cheating.

I can tell you he has made it hard for me to trust anyone, especially since I caught him at least 7 times trying to go through my phone. He was always super sneaky about, always trying to look through it when I left the room for a few minutes. Couldn’t stand that whole sneaky business. If he just asked, I wouldn’t have an issue, but it was how he was acting all secretive and sneaky that pissed me off. Reminded me too much of my mom and how she was always stealing my journal on numerous occasions.
I have caught her red handed just sitting in the living room reading, when I would confront her she would always give the exact same excuse ” oh sweetie, I didn’t know this was your diary, I thought this was one of those short stories you always write” ….that excuse only worked the first time, after her saying it almost verbatim each time I knew it was a lie. Not sure how she was able to find it all the time. I relocated it often.

Well that was a little off topic. Heh.
But yeah, still trying to figure out what I’m looking for and things I don’t need or want in relationships.
A type2 jerk sounds about right. Don’t want one of those.
And no Narcissism ( that is what his co-workers called him)

Thoughts? Comments?

[Raell5]

I have written many times about the imprinting of gender traits on the brain in the third trimester, and how there are many factors that influence the release of excessive hormones from the opposite of the biological gender developed in the first trimester of pregnancy.

Sadly, the talented, intelligent, sensitive, beautiful men we love to adore are mostly androgyne men, who display these female traits. All my previous love interests have been like that, and they displayed varying degrees of the typical “female trait” bad behaviors of stonewalling, passive aggression, expecting people to read their minds, holding grudges, etc.

On the other hand, the typical high-testosterone, high percentage of male-trait men who have tried to date me, although loyal, straight-shooting, etc., don’t hold my interest because, sadly, they lack the talents that attract me in androgyne men.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/creative-mind/2011/02/the-complexity-of-the-creative-personality/

Science News article; study says that relative lengths of ring and index fingers are reliable indicators of levels of sex hormones absorbed in the womb; longer ring fingers than index fingers indicate high levels of testosterone, longer index fingers indicate high estrogen levels.

Long ring fingers are also associated with higher occurrence of varying levels of dyslexia, high level musical ability, ability to visualize concepts in engineering, physical abilities, ability to maintain a mental map, and male-like behavior in women who have them

This can be caused by many reasons; heredity, stress, drugs taken during pregnancy, or things like a woman having recently given birth to a male. Residual testosterone can be absorbed in the womb by a female baby born soon afterward and this also occurs in animals as well.

http://viewzone2.com/fingers.html

• This reply was modified 8 years, 12 months ago by Raell5.

[John]

No, Kim. He seemed like the epitome of a type2 jerk and quite the narcissist as well judging by him saying that it didn’t count as cheating because he was planning on breaking up with you. He didn’t even consider another person’s emotions and simply did what he wanted. Classic case.

I don’t know what happened and I don’t want to guess, but I’m glad you stayed strong and are no longer in that relationship.
Take your time figuring it out, and use your relationships with those around you as a guide to try and figure out what (if any) particular traits about people stand out for you. Loyalty seems like a strong one, but that’s hard to pick out from an outsider perspective.

Raell, while those traits may often be related, not all of us “androgyne” men (I only use quotes because that’s become an actual gender identification label from what I know) are victim to the negatives. The whole idea behind growing, maturing, and becoming stronger as an individual is to acknowledge those negative traits and control them. Sure, I’ve exhibited many of those negatives before, but within relationships you quickly learn that being passive aggressive doesn’t work, people can’t read your mind all the time no matter how much they care about you, and holding grudges cause you more pain than them. Dating women has helped in this regard as I could see those traits in them and how difficult and pointless they were.

Interesting study in regards to higher amounts of testosterone in women. I’ve never seen one done on effects of the female mind and body. It looks like it’d be a great discussion topic. Another example of the unfortunate existence of distance.

[Kim]

Thank you. I just don’t want to be in that again.
It makes me worried because he knew before we dated about my views on actual intercourse. And yet he still did those things.
I don’t know if I would be able to see the signs early enough in the next guy. I’m a bit sensitive and meek at times.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if people feel I belong in this group or not.

Let me clarify: I’m a transman. I do identify as heteroromantic, but also know some women think that romantic affection with a transman should affect their sexuality somehow.

I have a reoccurring issue where some women become attracted to me, then get angry at themselves when the denial wears off, which makes them angry at me for causing the “issue” in the first place.

Yes, I know how this sounds! I’m not arrogant or deluded enough to think every woman is attracted to me. In fact, I have Asperger’s, and in my case had no clue anyone was even interested until they were suddenly mad at me for “not getting it!”.

All I ever wanted was a woman I can be friends with, where the affection can grow a bit beyond that. Not a relationship per se. The idea of romantic friendships has been around for more than a century. Commitment is not an issue for me. My fiancé and I were together almost 20 years before she passed away this New Year’s Day 🙁

[Author]

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