31 years of suffering and now I know where was the problem. The most ironic thing is it was thanks to my brother´s mental disorders, which led me to discover my own.
I obviously have borderline disorder since childhood, paranoid disorder since teenage years and bipolar disorder since traumatising job which damaged my health and took me the faith of humanity. I can´t imagine I could ever have normal job because even the slightest stress makes me depressed and suicidal. I´m afraid of people. I´m totally disgusted from people in general.
I tried to get to therapist for more than one year but noone was willing to help me, they have all “too much of patients”. And I´m afraid I would end up in asylum under poison called medicine, with 20 kg+ and no hair and more insane than now and I will never be able to be at least somewhat normal.
Which leads me to some questions:
Does anyone of you have some personal disorder, and how can you cope with it?
If you could be in a relationship with someone so hardly damaged like me, could you handle it? If you loved that person, could you cope with the fact she will probably never be able to have a job? I would definitely like to be housewife and take care of the home rather than make money. I could do only something art related, like photography, drawing…but I will probably never become famous enough to make enough money to be independent. Which I´ve always wanted but I know it´s unrealistic ´cause I´m productive only in certain phases of my bipolar disorder.
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