To tell people or not to tell?

[Veevie]

Hi everyone!
I feel that my sexual preference is no one’s business especially when it’s still new to me but I sometimes have problems with men harassing me for sex. I don’t think enough people know what asexuality is anyway so I would have to explain that to.

Does anyone have any thoughts on the subject?

[Alessandro Orlando]

Hi Veevie.

I’ve gone through the same thing when dating and as a result have put a stop to dating as I try find out how to approach this. In my experience, I’m finding it’s best to put it out there and explain it to the person you are interested in.
For the majority of people dating or searching for a life partner, sex will be a priority. It will be the culmination and the ultimate expression of love in their relationship. With that in mind, in my case I will let someone know sooner than
later, especially if it is a person that I believe I could build a relationship with. Needless to say, when I have done that, the relationship has pretty much fizzled. But like you said, no need to share that info with everyone.

What has been your experience when you have told them?

[Trevor]

I’m proud to be what I am. So if another girl is attracted to me I’m straightforward from the start about being asexual. I’m not trying to catch feelings and get hurt when the relationship gets to the point of sex and I just can’t so she ends it.

Now I haven’t gone as far to tell my friends or anything. It’s just weird to come outta the blue with that. Totally not nessecary.

[Robyn]

I am only just admitting and accepting to myself that I am asexual. Dreading the part of dating where you have to be honest about it as I don’t want to lead anyone on. I do have children from previously agreeing to sex but I know that it isn’t really for me at all. I can appreciate holding hands and maybe having a cuddle but I need a partner accepting of the whole idea of what asexuality is all about.

[Joshua]

I ID’d as a heteroromantic ACE 3 years ago. I tried dating during that time up till Nov 18 which always ended abruptly when sex came up. That lead me to be 100% upfront in all dating since then as an ACE. Our of respect to my partner and to be true to myself as well. I do not bring it up with family or friends as it is none of their business IMO. It will not impact them in any way at all to know this about me so why bring it up I figure. For the person it would impact….a date or potential relationship, they should know and so they will know via my informing them early on.

What sucks most for me is that I do fitness modeling and have for years. Many woman seem to assume I must be a sex machine of sorts and are frankly stunned when I dont hop in the sack and give it up early and often. I feel like being who I am is a tease to women due to social norms and expectations out there.

[Alessandro Orlando]

100% this Joshua! I’ve run in to this repeatedly and was called a tease for that exact reason. When you don’t make the first move- from a sexual perspective- the other person begins to feel inadequate and to a point that they are being rejected. So they develop confidence/self esteem issues of their own.

That’s one of the reasons I feel it’s vital to let the other person know asap if you are looking to get serious at some point. Again- this almost always leads to the end of the relationship. As for others- like you said- it’s none of their business.

[Veevie]

I’m new to identifying as an ace. It’s not something I’m embarrassed about at all. I would, of course tell someone I was interested in but as a woman, I personally get harassed by men. When I’ve told men I’m a lesbian to get men to leave me alone after I have told them several times I’m not interested (this is not something I’m proud of but many women can relate) they can become more aggressive and unaccepting. Having to explain to a stranger that doesn’t except no for an answer what it means to be an ace isn’t something I feel that I should be obliged to do like any other sexuality.

[Danielle]

I haven’t been in the dating scene for a while, but I agree that being upfront early can keep things simpler. Some people, sadly, might not want to get invested in a relationship that won’t include sex. In terms of telling friends and family I can say that all of my close friends know about me being ace. Some of them had follow up questions, but they were all really open and supportive. Telling my mother didn’t turn out quite as well so I’ve since put off telling anyone else in my family. It can be a tricky thing deciding who to disclose something like this to. I think it is up to each person and each situation about when and to whom you tell your own truth.

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