How to politely get my mother to quit trying to set me up with her employees??

[Olivia]

My mother works at a university and has many student employees, and it feels like she has suggested/commented on what a cute couple I would make with all of them…

She’s one of the sweetest people ever, and I have told her that I’m ace before, but she seems to be in denial when it comes to me not being in a relationship that could get her cute grand babies.

Any and all advice is appreciated.
Thanks!

• This topic was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Olivia.

[Jon]

Perhaps polite isn’t the way to go!

If she is already aware of your sexuality, but still insists on trying to set you up, perhaps it’s time to be a little more blunt with your objections?

[Olivia]

Thank you for the reply!
You are probably right, but what’s more blunt than “mom, please stop”??
I know it a small problem, but boy howdy does it get annoying!

[Jon]

My only other suggestion would be to give her a gentle beating every time she mentions it. Aversion therapy normally works quite quickly! (I’m obviously joking before people starting complaining!)

I’ve put up with this for years from friends and family, I’m quite open about my asexuality but people still insist on trying to hook me up! I’ve slowly learnt to ignore them… and suppress the urges to hit them!

[Olivia]

Hahahahahahaha!!! That made my day! I will work on ignoring it, but keep the aversion therapy in my back pocket just in case;)

[Anonymous]

I wish I could be more helpful, but it is my sincere opinion some parents and some friends (generally married) will never stop trying to fix you up, even if you share your true self quite boldly (which cannot always be done). My suggestion ia to bring up an unpleasent subject to change the conversation, such as “How about you quit smoking? Have you already done your cardio check up this year?” to take the unconvenient remarks off your back.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. All I can suggest is that you sit her down and have an honest discussion with her about it…intervention-styled. There is no way for me to understand the type of relationship you have with her but maybe you might be able to break through with a real honest heart to heart. People who don’t have the same experiences as us may not completely understand the sexual to romantic separation like we do. It is very likely she is still just trying to help but just misunderstanding what you are looking for(That is if you are looking for a romantic relationship in the first place). So hash it out with her. Don’t be afraid to let her know that her actions are bothering you…she may back down a bit after a serious talk.

[Olivia]

I tried the conversation topic switching today and it worked pretty well but, I probably should do the sit down talk. I have a feeling that she’s going to say ” you just haven’t meet the right guy yet”, sugestions on how to respond? My last reply to that statement was to call the person a pompous wind bag, I don’t I should say that to my mom…
Thanks for all the help so far!

[Anonymous]

Since there is a pretty broad spectrum of asexuality, I read your profile Olivia in order to tailor my comments.

I’m sure you have already explained this to your Mom, but it probably bears repeating – that you may at some point be open to a romantic non-sexual relationship but there are very few people interested in that among the general population. Optionally, you could tell her that you are looking through the ‘specialized” population to find a ‘kindred spirit’ [I come from the land of Anne of Green Gables, so forgive me 🙂 ] Also, optionally, you could tell her you are not interested in her possible candidates unless she happens to have a good idea that this person is a romantic asexual.

With respect to cute babies, that is your decision to make. That said, some asexuals, if they meet the right person, may be willing to have sex for purely procreative reasons if they otherwise would love the responsibilities and joys of parenthood. For those who want to be moms and dads but are sex adverse and rule out procreative sex, there is the possibility of artificial insemination – whether done in a clinic or at home with your partner / spouse.

Overall, be kind with your mom. Parents, good ones, are a wonderful gift and it is indeed hard for the general population to understand us. Of course they need to work on understanding us better, but we need to understand their perspective too. It is tough to understand an asexual’s perspective unless you can walk in their shoes.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I have come to conclude people will always beleive what they want to beleive, no matter what is in front of them and completely ignoring facts, signs and deductions based on racionality. So, even with the honest conversation and interventional speech, there’s still a chance she’ll hang to the “you haven’t found the right person” umbrella. My advice is to be blunt: “Mom, even if Prince Charming himself comes along with all Disney unrealistic handsome looks & personality, I’d still feel the same. It’s like forcing a vegan to have a bloody steak for dinner or a person who doesn’t care for children to raise a kid. This is how I feel. Will you still continue to embarass me & yourself insisting in such nonsense?”. That’s what I’d say. But then again, I don’t want to sound insensitive, I just can’t answer differently.

[Olivia]

Hi here’s an update if anyone’s interested,
I told my mom that I’m ace again, at first she laughed and said “just because you are single? Hahaha”. No, because I am asexual. Which got the anticlimactic response of “oh” and a topic change. It’s been two weeks and she hasn’t tried to set me up with anyone, the longest stretch ever. Guess she just thought I was being sarcastic or joking when I brought it up in the past…
Anyway, just wanted to thank everyone for their advice, it really helped boost my confidence to talk to my mom again.

[Anonymous]

You’re welcome and good luck to you!

[Author]

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