How Do You Behave Differently in a Relationship to a Friendship?

[Sandra]

I have noticed that some people have strict boundaries and differences to how they behave in a relationship or potential relationship, and what they say, how they say it, and how often they communicate and have contact with them, compared to what they say to their friends and how they say it, how much contact and communication they have with them, and how they act with them, whereas others behave the same, and talk about the same things and have the same regular contact and communication.

What is your view on this?

[Anonymous]

For me it just depends from person to person. Talking is easier with some people than with others. But i’m generally very open in what i tell to others.

[Sandra]

Hi Vanessa

Thank you for sharing that with me, it’s very helpful. I guess I am very open and honest with what I tell others.

Sandra

[Kai]

My thought on this is that I don’t believe in / understand the distinction between “just friends” and “partners” at all…

However two people experience each other’s presence and companionship, whatever kinds of intimacy and boundaries and commitments they have with one another, is something they figure out between themselves and the whole “if I call you a friend it means this, if I call you a partner it means this / if we do or don’t do this it means you’re a friend, if we do or don’t do this it means you’re a partner, we need to be partners in order to do this, ……” just seems really restrictive and limiting.

[Sandra]

Hi Kai,

Thanks for sharing this.

As a monogamous person, I would only ever kiss a partner on the lips if I had one, that is a strict boundary I have, I think if you are polyamorous then anything could go for any friendship/relationship and there be no distinction, but if a guy was my boyfriend and kissed another female on the lips, or was cuddling her and being physically intimate, then I would consider that cheating. But people can also emotionally cheat too which is what I was thinking of when I wrote this post. My current thinking is, if you don’t treat a romantic partner different to a friend, then what is the point in having them as a partner – may as well stay single and just be friends with anyone and everyone you want.

Sandra

[Anonymous]

The main boundary I have is with touch.

Aside from handshaking, any form of physical contact is registered in my mind as an expression of romantic love.

For that reason I make efforts to avoid hugging anyone who isn’t a love-interest or partner.

[Sandra]

Hi Druid

Yeah, I totally get that. I used to be exactly like that, but I can hug people now who I am not romantically involved with to say hello and goodbye, but I would never ‘cuddle’ a person who is not my partner, or share a bed.

I also find it hard if a member of the opposite sex messages me daily yet says about just being friends, as I often associate that with a partner rather than a friend – I have had more guys doing this in the asexual community, although one does like me more than a friend (and he is the only one currently doing that) but seems to be like this with other women friends so I find it hard to know what the difference is to him – the boundaries as it were! It confuses me!

Sandra

[Anonymous]

Right on. The struggle of maintaining friendships with the gender attracted to, still applies to us as asexuals as it does sexuals.

I wonder if there’s a misconception over the assumption that sex is the only factor involved with the system of attraction.

[Joy]

For me, the difference goes in both communication and things I do.

As you said Sandra, kisses and cuddling are only reserved for my partner. When I say communication, I mean that I’m more likely to share almost everything and anything with them. I share a good amount of things with friends but surely not almost everything.
I also might communicate a little bit more with my partner over friends.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Joy.

[Sandra]

Hi Druid

Yeah, I spend half of my life in sexual relationships and over friendliness would often imply cheating of some sort or at least frowned upon in some way – being flirty etc, but in the asexual community, it would seem that as there is no sex involved, there is not much difference between friend and partner – it is taking me some time to get used to this as it is personally way far from my original comfort zone and acceptability in a relationship!

[Sandra]

Hi Joy,

Nice to see you here – yeah, I think I am the same as you with guys or very close to being the same. I do share a lot more with the world than I would have done to help other aces – but that was not my natural nature before and I used to tell a partner a lot of things that are secret and usually some stuff that not many would know or I may not have said before xx

[Gillian]

Splendid topic Sandra. I am going to agree with Druid that the kinds of touch I allow would be different. I also think I would treat a partner similar to my mother. In that, I would involve them is life decisions. I would do chores to be helpful, like change light bulbs and shovel the walk. I definitely don’t go over to my best friends house and weed his garden or clean the stove top. I would find joy in making my partner happy by doing things I don’t like.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Gillian.

[Sandra]

Hi Gillian

Yeah, I think that touch is such an important distinction.

I think that is a very important point you raise about involving them in life decisions. What I thinks is hard, is retaining your independence in a relationship, and being inclusive. I am usually very inclusive, in that I discuss a lot of what is going on in my life in great detail if I have a partner, the bigger picture, whereas with friends, in general, I will tell them more snippets. I think it is good if you both include each other in life decisions, but if one does that more than the other, their becomes an imbalance and that can be unhealthy and one-sided. And also, what may be a life decision to one,may not be to the other, or they may just go ahead and makes any decisions for their life, by themselves. Again, independence as a single person, versus being in a relationship and keeping independence, I think it the hardest part, for either person.

I may go somewhere I don’t like that much to please a partner, if it is not going to be detrimental to me in some way or I am not going to resent it or hate it, but I also do that for friends. I don’t like history museums as a general rule, but I will go to one to please others. I am going to one in my city this weekend and it is free to get in and taking other asexuals with me from the meet-up I have arranged, it was my idea, because I know many people like history museum, whereas I like science museums and get bored easily of history as it is not really my thing, I did not like it at school, but I am putting them first and know it will be good for them to do something different, and there could be worse things to do. But in general, I don’t want to do anything I don’t like for a partner, I don’t want to waste my time cooking, cleaning, or doing housework for any guy, because I loathe these things with a vengeance and do not want to waste my life doing things that make me unhappy, I do as little as possible of theses for myself. But I don’t want to live with someone – I want a Living Apart Together Relationship, so I look after myself and they look after themselves. if they were ill and could not go out, then I would do a food shop for them – with my shopping trolley as I don’t drive and I would emotionally support them and with their career. But my career is also super important to me and so I would also need support in that. I have lots of life missions and dreams to complete.

Sandra

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