June 14, 2018 at 10:30 pm #30217
Hi Everyone. I have actually had account here for a year but never actually used it yet, idk maybe I was intimidated. Im not sure what the rules of this site are so please take it easy on me. I decided to go out on a limb and just start telling my story. My goal of joining this site is to make friends that relate to my issue and maybe meet a man who is like me. So I consider myself asexual, but I would like to have sex on occasion, Just not the amount that most people expect to get in a relationship. I guess my goal would be once every two months? Im sure some people probably dont consider that to be asexual but based on the men Ive dated in the past, they would find that unusual and unacceptable. I used to have more of a sex drive when I was younger and I enjoyed it. Over the course of time, I began to enjoy it less and less and my desire for it dropped drastically. Ive never had an orgasm, even by myself. I wish I could be like everyone else and enjoy it more, that would make my life easier but thats not the case. I avoided dating and having a boyfriend for years because of the sex issue and I assumed most men would not want to continue dating me because of it so I figured I should just try to learn how to be happy on my own but the thing is, I would really like to have a companion to share my life with. I have great friends and family but I feel like Im missing something. Even if there is no intercourse I do miss being kissed and hugged and sleeping next to someone. and maybe I could even have a baby… idk would depend if my mate wanted to also. So I went to two different gynos and told them about my lack of sex drive and they both told me that my problem was not physical but psychological. I wish it was physical then all I would have to do is pop a pill but thats not the case. I think my problem is rooted in the fact that I was bullied very badly as a child for my physical appearance. I was chunky, (still am but gonna be sleek by this time next year!) also my family was “working class” so I didn’t have the coolest most expensive clothes, and I was a little nerdy. So I was kinda conditioned to have low self esteem. I was always told I was ugly, Im not, but because of those experiences I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of a man. Hard to enjoy sex when you dont even feel comfortable with your body. Theres a lot more to me then just this but I dont want to write an entire book here. If anyone would like to be friends, I would really like that. If there are any men interested in the type of relationship Im looking for please let me know Is there anyone out there that have found ways to improve their level of desire? if so please let me know. Thanks 🙂June 14, 2018 at 10:43 pm #30218
Oh btw, sorry I just realized my post was extremely long compared for others. i appreciate anyone who took time to read it, thank youJune 18, 2018 at 2:35 pm #30228
I feel the same way that you do. I’m in Toronto at the moment (traveling on the west coast of the US for the end of June), back in Toronto in July.
If you were in Toronto, I would 100% invite you to connect, and that would include some non-sexual physical intimacy. If not me, I invite you to connect with Sam and attend cuddle parties: https://www.facebook.com/snugglewithsam/ . She’s not in New York but she knows people there.
PS1: You’re absolutely gorgeous
PS2: I paid the $19 membership fee specifically to respond to your messageJune 19, 2018 at 2:35 pm #30231
I’m the same way too. I’d love to find someone to kiss and cuddle with and hang out with and for me,occasional sex as well but I want to be in a committed relationship with another asexual. Finding a man who’d want sex once Every 2-3 months would be perfect! LolJune 19, 2018 at 2:42 pm #30232
Are (both of you) necessarily looking for an exclusive relationship?
What about a relationship with loyalty: complete truth, emotional support… but the man would be free to have sex and go out with other women?
Paris: I would love for you to email me / send me a facebook friend request as wellJune 19, 2018 at 2:51 pm #30233
I am looking for an exclusive relationship.
My main qualities for a man are: asexual,Christian,funny, compassionate,emotionally open,honest,and loyal.
Occupation: I don’t care as long as he has a job and is happy.June 19, 2018 at 2:53 pm #30234
Paris: That’s cool, even though I’m interested in this sort of thing, I wasn’t asking for myself (you’re probably too young).
Just wonder if expanding your horizon might be helpful… but ultimately, only you know the answer.June 19, 2018 at 3:02 pm #30235
Haha I just turned 41 in march.
But the only way I could have an open relationship is if I didn’t care about the other person.
But it seems rare to find monogamy these days.
But thank you for asking.June 19, 2018 at 3:06 pm #30236
I saw you in the 17-20 y/o group.
Monogamy exists, I didn’t interact (in any way actually – there’s one woman with whom I had a real conversation like the one I have with you right now, she would email me once a year and we exchanged emails for a week or so ; another one ever 4 years or so) with other women for the 10 years I was married.
And I would not break whichever agreement I will have with my next partner.
PS: maybe it would be best to continue this conversation on another medium if you so desire.June 20, 2018 at 11:39 pm #30244
Hello Geraldine, Olivier and Paris!
This thread really resonated with me.
I identify as Asexual and occasionally (rarely) have sex with someone I am emotionally in love with.
Unfortunately, most of the relationships I have been in (w/ men and women) have required a lot of sex. It would get so bad that I would get anxiety / panic attacks at the prospect of having to have sex.
Some of my partners have tried to understand my sexuality (?) but it’s almost impossible to sustain a relationship with me when sex is very important for you in a relationship.
So Olivier, I am open to being with someone who might need to get their sex life fulfilled by some one else. I can say this because it was a compromise I made in a past relationship. And is surprisingly worked out for us, obviously the relationship ended but not because of the arrangement we had.
Anyway, apologies for the rambling. Just wanted to share…
Also, so happy I found this site but so sad that people are not very active on here…
~Be Well~June 21, 2018 at 1:57 am #30247
Its been a great experience so far getting to meet other people like myself. Def makes me feel more comfortable. I was talking to someone the other day that said they were proud to be asexual which is great. In my case, I would like to work on improving my sexual desire because I used to like sex and I miss it and want to go back to being more like that. Even thought I think its great we can all support each other and feel comfortable with ourselves it does concern me that some people that are asexual are like that because they have experienced some past trauma or have low self esteem which is def true in my case. Is anyone interested in taking steps to make sex more enjoyable?
@Polyne, I have had very bad anxiety in the past. It was horrible. I think this would def make it hard to enjoy sex.
For those of us that would like to enjoy sex I think therapy could be helpful. I also do hypnosis and meditation. It sounds weird but it does help you just have to be consistent with it and keep at it for a long period of timeJune 21, 2018 at 1:59 am #30248
liz del rioParticipant
Hello everyone I am very hesitant to express anything i am feeling — been hurt so many times and now that i feel this way i am afraid to be made fun of or anything along those lines-so her it is – me taking a chance – in all honesty i really don’t even know where to start – so – ask me – lets talkJune 21, 2018 at 2:09 am #30249
@Liz del rio, I dont think anyone would make fun of you. everyone has been really nice to me so far. but if you dont feel comfortable talking here just send me a private message instead 🙂June 21, 2018 at 6:12 pm #30252
@geraldine It’s good to hear that you are taking steps towards improving your sex life. I do think that a big part of being open and enjoying sex is mental, so I hope you get a breakthrough!
@liz del rio I have felt very safe here to share, considering I am a very private person. Also, speaking out can be therapeutic in itself. But if you are not comfortable, don’t push yourself. You can reach out in a private message instead. We are here if you need us!June 22, 2018 at 3:27 pm #30254
@liz del rio,I know how you feel. I went through Simone telling my secrets a couple of yrs ago and it destroyed me.
And it’s easy to not trust anyone but I think it’s best to use discernment.
I used to want to open up to everyone,now I see I can’t.It’s best to talk to people who will understand and won’t judge. It’s good you’re on this site because not everyone will understand what we go through.We’re mostly on the same boat here 🙂June 22, 2018 at 3:37 pm #30255
@polyne,thank you for sharing your story 🙂
I already suffer from depression and anxiety and having a partner that’s asexual would definitely be a burden off of my shoulders.
I used to think about having a boyfriend then them wanting sex all the time and I’m not interested in it all the time! Or them running away the second I say I don’t want sex.
But I’m glad I know what being an asexual is,so now I can look for a partner who’s the same.
No more anxiety or fear.June 22, 2018 at 5:05 pm #30256
@paris Awareness is a pre-requisite for change. The only issue with us Aces is that we are not so visible.
It’s so hard to find someone to date locally because we are such a minority. And most people aren’t even aware that they are Aces.
I hope you and everyone else on here/out there who identifies finds fulfilling relationships.
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