Asexual Anxiety?

[Julianna]

Something I’ve been struggling with a bit lately is anxiety triggered by my asexuality (or, I suppose, more by others’ sexuality). My best friend recently got into a sexual relationship, which left me as one of the last people I know who hasn’t had sex and doesn’t want a sexual relationship. Consciously, I realize that’s normal as an ace girl and it shouldn’t give me anxiety, but subconsciously I still feel like there’s something wrong with me or like I’m going to end up alone. How do you deal with social/internal pressure to be sexual?

[Em]

Hey Julianna! 🙂 I’m not really an expert, but I totally get what you’re going through. It’s that whole thing like “well, intellectually I know it’s not an issue, but I’ve been raised in a society where sex is a huge deal and your participation in it can determine a lot about your status in social life!”

For internalized negative emotions like that, the only thing I’ve found that really works (for me personally, at least — it’s the only thing I have to work off!) is self-talk. First, focus on identifying your anxieties when they arise. Don’t worry about anything else; just get to the point where whenever they crop up, you can point at them and go “HA! There! That’s it!” Then come up with a simple refutation that feels honest to you and calms you down… maybe something like, “Even though it seems important, I know it really isn’t, and doesn’t have any effect on my value as a human being.” Make it your own! Whatever works best. Now, every time you identify the anxieties, throw that mantra at it. At first it may feel like you’re faking it, but that’s beside the point; just persevere! The more you say it to yourself, the more second-nature it will become to say it, until eventually (hopefully) any time those anxieties start to arise, you’ll subconsciously start calming down before you even have to try.

I’m not a professional at all… this is just what’s worked for me. If you see a therapist or doctor, you might talk to them; I’m sure they’ll have a lot of other good self-calming techniques!

[Mark]

I think it is an anxiety-inducing situation because most people don’t know what asexuality is. I was on a Christian site, and you’d think that they would be OK with asexuality because those are the types of people least likely to experience lust, which the Bible says is a sin. The discussion forums there get hijacked by extremists who won’t accept tolerate any lifestyles that doesn’t involve getting married, being fruitful and multiplying. I am a Christian, but Jesus didn’t reproduce, so it can’t possibly be a sin to go your entire life without having sex.

[Anonymous]

I can completely relate to how you’re feeling. I am very new to the Asexual community and haven’t really talked about it with anyone. Lately i’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety about dating and being worried about not being able to keep and satisfy a partner or when is the right time to make them aware of my Asexuality and how that will affect my relationships.

[Author]

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