- Things I am looking for in a person are:
In the ”Looking For” section, the settings force you to select either men or women, but I’m open to anyone.
- About me
TL;DR- Ineffable former cosmonaut and current seat filler seeks intelligent, kind, and hopefully at least moderately bilaterally symmetrical (along the sagittal plane!) person with whom to go through the empty motions of a romantic relationship. Must be able to handle cynicism, saccharine adorableness, ”meaningless quotes”, and not prefer the summary (which can be completely inaccurate) over the TL;DR versions of things.
Okay, ready? Here we go. Try to keep up!
I’m pretty nerdy. I tend to enjoy nerdy things (whatever that means to you and it’s probably still true) and I tend to like the people who enjoy those things as well. If you want an easy conversation opener, this is a good start. So… talk nerdy to me.
I’m a homebody. What does this mean? I prefer to be indoors, especially at home. I like cooking. I like wine. I’m not a fan of the club and bar scene (except for maybe pub trivia). Umm, let’s see… I’m also INTP if you like that stuff (by ”stuff” I’m referring to the scientifically invalid MBTI). Actually, I’m INTP even if you don’t like that stuff, but you’re not likely to care in that case.
Despite being mostly indoors-y, I do go out sometimes. I love the theater. I love live comedy. I tend to like overcast, cloudy, grey days (my move to San Diego has not been super cooperative on this front). I can even be persuaded to picnic now and again, if the weather is nice (See previous sentence). I like trying out new restaurants (which usually means I order the stuff I normally eat, just in a new location). I’m also legally obligated to admit and include the following statement: ”I love to travel.” So, I’m a homebody who likes to travel, I guess…
What with me being a nerd who seemingly never leaves her house, I know you’re probably already waiting with ’bated breath to contact me, but wait, there’s more:
I’m the kind of person who, against the advice of my friend, uses photos from a wedding for her profile so she can appear ”marriage crazy” to a bunch of strangers (plus, all the good photos are already on Facebook). Can I say Facebook on another web site? If you’re thinking that this just got meta, yeah…it did. I roll hard core like that. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m prime relationship material. There, now you don’t have to make that decision without another opinion.
I love animals (pets or otherwise), though I don’t live with any. I guess I’m a dog person at heart, but I like cats, too. I’m not a vegetarian even though my conscience tells me I should be (Hurry up with the guilt-free cultured meat, already!). So, in other words, if people whose convictions aren’t always strong enough to motivate an actual change in their behavior are your thing, look no further.
I’m also kind, compassionate, and caring… if that kind of thing matters to you. (It probably should?) I like board games a lot. Gosh, I sure sound exciting. I am sometimes challenging. I hate having to admit when I’m wrong, but really appreciate the resulting edification. I guess that’s it. Really, that’s it? Excuse me while I shoot myself.
What I’m doing with my life
More like, ”what would I be doing without my life,” am I right? Wink wink.
Seriously though, I am just trying to enjoy my life while doing my best not to add any more hurt to the world.
At this point in my life, I think I have myself pretty well figured out. I work in a technology field attempting to improve the human condition while simultaneously awaiting the Singularity and doing what I can to replace people with machines. Just kidding. (Not really kidding, though.)
I don’t have a set idea of what my life is supposed to be, so I’m very open to just seeing how things go. If I never get married or have kids, I’ll be alright. If someone wants to marry me, even better. (Sucker!) It’s not that I’m without goals, it’s just that I trust myself to make the right decisions as they come. I don’t worry about ”how it will all turn out” in advance.
I know I’d like to be able to share my life and to love and be loved in return. That’s about all I’m hoping for.
Not dying utterly alone in the world would also be good. (Nice one, me! I’ll have to write that down. Wait…)
Still reading?! Wow, you’re a trooper. If you’re thinking that you know you might already want to message me, I beseech you to hold off and read on. This is an epic profile. I mean, it is huge. You don’t climb Everest in a day, you know? So maybe take a break. Collect your thoughts. Maybe start brewing a comforting beverage or get a snack. To keep the Everest metaphor going, you can set up base camp here and head for the summit tomorrow. No? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I’m really good at
I’m really good at making people laugh (out of pity). Sure, it’s not sincere, but laughter is laughter. I’m fun (I think so, anyway). I’m good at telling stories and having conversations about pretty much everything (except maybe music and sports). I’m pretty good at trivia (except for music and sports). I’m good at arguing. Maybe too good…
I’m also really good at… watching things and… doing other stuff (Probably. Maybe.). If that sounds as intimidating as I think it might, you’ll probably like me less. That’s okay. If it makes you like me more, that’s okay, too. I won’t complain.
I’m pretty darn good at keeping a cool head, being sensitive, empathizing, listening to problems, and providing praise and support. I’m really good at using lame words like ”neat” to describe things… because I’m swell like that.
The first things people usually notice about me
People notice me?!?! Seriously though, I am usually quiet in social settings so maybe that is what people notice. I think I’m overcompensating for a period where I started to feel like I talked too much (not that you could guess that from my profile or anything) and didn’t listen enough. Now I listen and find myself hesitant to speak even when I think what I have to say is germane and interesting, because I’ve somehow convinced myself it’s arrogant. That’s the level of neurosis you’d be dealing with here, but luckily for you, it’s all internal… Well, except for when I put it all on a public profile for some reason? What is wrong with me? Nope, not changing it.
The first thing people comment on is generally my smile, though what they notice first probably depends on whether I’m topless at the time (in which case it would probably be my eyes).
Self-deprecating breast joke borne from insecurity. Classy. Yep, that fits right in this section nicely. Moving on…
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books, movies, tv: Look, this section is going to bore you. Let’s just say I tend to prefer fiction for books and like a lot of movies and TV. Superheroes and sci-fi are favorites, but I like a lot of stuff. Quit trying to put me in a box!
Games (See what I did there? I made my own category. I’m creative. Don’t tell anyone.): I play a lot of games (video and board). I like cooperative games, but am pretty open to anything.
Music: None. Musical anhedonia (see also private things I’m willing to admit)– I don’t really get music and don’t listen to it, but it’s cool with me if you do. (Is it just me, or did things just get awkward?)
Food: MOAR carbs! My only favorite is Italian food. The rest I can take or leave. I don’t like vegetables (weird, right?). I know one is supposed to avoid talking about dislikes in a profile, but let’s go ahead and add ’fish’ to the list of dislikes. Actually, let’s go ahead and make that ’all seafood’.
Maybe you’re thinking that I’m disrupting the verbal flow of this profile with constant and meaningless asides that add no informative content as to who I am, or why you might want to get to know me better. To that I say: Here lies some additional text.
Six things I could never do without
Humor (or my kids.)
Learning (Ha. Made you look. I still don’t have any kids… Because I sold them?)
Access to the Internet (Unlimited access to the world’s knowledge? Yes, please.)
Freedom to express myself and live as I want (and for others to do the same)
Other people (Eventually AI will be sufficient, but I need people for now because I occasionally get bored and lonely… and by ’occasionally’, I mean ’frequently’… so frequently that I actually have tear guards on my keyboard. What? There’s no shame in admitting that, right? Admitting that I use a keyboard rather than a smartphone, I mean… not admitting that I cry a lot. Which I do. A lot. Like literally all the time. I’m doing it right now, in fact. Fine, just keep reading. Don’t bother trying to help…)
Love (Meh. Couldn’t think of anything else for the sixth. Oh, wait! Is it too late to say ’evil’ as my sixth thing? It is? Okay, I’ll stick with ’love’, then.)
”In Soviet Russia, six things could never do without you.”-Yakov Smirnoff. He didn’t really say that, though… At least I don’t think he did. All rights reserved? Something disclaimer something. Legalese.
I made a joke earlier about selling kids, but that’s actually one of the most terrible things in the world. So, I want to apologize. It’s okay if you laughed (you probably shouldn’t have and you’re clearly a terrible person), but let’s take a moment and give the subject the gravitas it deserves. There are few things more egregious than the idea that humans can be treated as property. I believe anything can be funny, but that shouldn’t be confused with the sense that I take matters like that lightly. So, if you’re reading this, I want to be absolutely clear: Love and care for your kids. Do not sell your kids. Selling your kids subjects them to a miserable life, gets you in trouble with the law, and deprives you of bragging rights in the retirement home.
Okay, I’m really sorry this time. That turned into more of a joke than I intended it to be. It’s hard for me to help myself. The truth is–and I feel the need to emphasize this and leave no room for doubt that I’m being completely serious–you need to understand that if you’re around my age or younger, it’s statistically likely you’ll never get to retire. Forget the retirement home. We’re all dying at work. Alone.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why did that last section take such a dark turn?
What does the future hold given technology’s rapid advancement? In contrast to any other life form, what does it mean to be a person? What is consciousness? What would be the most fulfilling use of my life? How do I do that? Why don’t people ever use their turn signals?
Will I ever be <dramatic pause> human, again?
Flowers. Rainbows. Unicorns.
On a typical Friday night I am
Normally, the answer is ”at home”. Lately, though, the answer has been ”at home”.
Wait, no, don’t leave! I meant… <something interesting> and <something else exciting>.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
My singing is so bad…
(You: How bad is it?)
My singing is so bad, my choir teacher in high school had me run the overhead projector at our performances instead. Do you realize what that means? I was so bad at singing that I single-handedly (vocally?) over-powered and ruined the performances of an entire chorus of people. I apparently wasn’t even good enough to lip sync.
Funny, right? Except that’s not a joke. I have feelings, ya know? I have not sung a note since that dark, dark day, but I vow to one day track down my choir teacher, whatever the cost, and when we are once again face to face, I shall turn to her, stare deeply through her eyes into her soul, inhale a deep breath, and bravely, unwavering-ly, let out a, ”Hey, you were right, I’m a terrible singer. Good call.” And there will be great celebration and the heavens will echo!!
And yes, I’m aware that many of you probably don’t even know what an overhead projector is and that I’m showing my age, but whatevs. I’m so 1337 you don’t even know, son (or daughter)! Dang rapscallions.
My first crush was Donatello, the Ninja Turtle.
You should message me if
Wow, you made it this far. Impressive. I feel like I should have some kind of reward for you. You probably skipped around some, but that’s alright. It’s no fault of yours. I mean, what a dull writer, right? Sure you probably missed something incredibly important about me, like some traumatic past event that scarred me emotionally, or a food allergy that you might accidentally trigger and kill me with, but those are just inane details from a simpering author with too much time on her hands (and obviously no sense of how to attract a mate). Sorry though, no reward for the read. It’s just me here. Although I guess if, by the power of whatever unholy forces compelled you to actually read through my whole profile, you still have(there’s supposed to be a strikethrough there, so if you can’t see it, you might consider examining your life choices) want to, you should message me if…
you get my sense of humor. Even better if I made you laugh.
you are Tony Stark.
you are Liz Lemon.
you own a TARDIS and can promise adventures in time and/or space.
you actually are an intelligent, kind, and preferably at least moderately bilaterally symmetrical (along the sagittal plane) man/woman/other person.
A rambling lunatic. XOXO
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