Is anyone like me?

[Summer]

At the start of a relationship, there is usually huge attraction and desire for sex (but not every day usually). But before long it feels like a chore, which causes a lot of tension and rejected feelings in the reltaionship. Sex has never been that great for me, I have a very low sex drive (possibly because of medication and depression) and mostly Im fine to just pleasure myself if and when I feel like it. Does anyone else experience this?
I am 100% straight and definitely get attracted to men, and altho orgasms are great, Ive never had that much gratification from actual sex.

[Summer]

I would love a loving and caring relationship where sex just isnt that important..

[SpringThyme]

No noone is exactly like you Summer because we are all unique with our own unique life experiences which help shape us into who we are and how we feel with that being said there is nothing wrong with how you feel and if you are content just to please yourself there’s nothing wrong with that either when the correct person who really cares about you comes along that person will respect how you feel

[Anonymous]

I can relate to this, initially there’s a lot of attraction and perhaps some desire for sex, but it quickly subsides. This is when it starts to fall apart because it can be mistaken as not being attracted to the person anymore, even if there’s still a lot of love and affection. Just need to find someone who is understanding or in the same boat as you 🙂

[Masi Capone]

Hi Summer! I’m definitely like you in the sense that I’d basically prefer to just pleasure myself whenever I feel like it. If sex is just a chore then why bother?

[Dom]

That sounds a lot like my feelings about the matter. I do have a sex drive, but in a relationship it’s always awkward and never feels right, and also the other party wants it way more often than I do, and/or in a different way. So I would like to have a relationship without sex. I totally get that. Of course it’s so much easier said than done….

[Sara]

Hey Summer, I can definitely relate to this. I usually feel sexual in the beginning of a relationship but it fades. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% asexual but I also look at sex like a chore and like there’s better things I could be doing. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking in a relationship. It’s always been the downfall of all my relationships. I would love to find someone that understands as well. Keep your chin up!

[Anonymous]

Hm with me in the beginning there can be some kind of ‘theoretical’ sex drive. So only in my mind, not in my body. Nevertheless, i learned to fall for people based on other things than looks so it’s no longer hindering me, since i avoid relationships with people i’m theoretically-sexually attracted to.

[Anonymous]

I can’t distinguish between wanting to be physically close to someone and wanting sex. I would totally be for long hugs or cuddling at the beginning of a relationship, but that would naturally drop off as the relationship grew. I’m wondering if maybe that’s what you felt, and sex was a okay way of having physical closeness. It can be hard to express a need for physical, non-sexual contact, but it’s a totally normal thing to want. At the same time, if you feel secure in a relationship with someone, it can be less important.

It’s very wise of you to notice the way your desires change over time. Also, even if medication is affecting some of your feelings, they’re still your feelings and they matter. You deserve to be in a relationship that meets your needs now.

[Anonymous]

I notice a similarity on my part: when something is new that tends to amp up various degrees of excitement and intrigue. Should that correspond with an uptick in sexual energy I would certainly be more easily influenced to go in that direction (as an option for expression).

But repetition (and need/strong desire) for the act of sex tends to help my eventual disinterest. Any sexual-related act I tend to view as one (of many) means of communicating/interacting with a partner, but if I sense they are just in it for the sex, I tend to feel used (a feel I have certainly experienced more than once). On very rare occasions, I have felt a true two-way connection through these means… the general lack thereof starts to shut that down as an avenue of exploration for me (although I may still humor them, albeit at less and less enthusiastic intervals, which likely compounds the eventual instability of the relationship, if the other party is more invested in it for the sex).

For me, those experiences were all years ago (my last relationship ended over 7 years ago), and I’ve made all sorts of strides and advances to self since.

I recently experienced a crush (still experiencing? Perhaps that too is fading), my first in as many years, and was very surprised to notice a strong presence of feeling, yet absolutely no presence of sexual energy. Makes me wonder if my previous romantic escapades were biased by society’s programming (something I feel I’ve gotten further away from in recent years). It made for an absolutely wonderful experience: to just be crushing (or is ‘squish’ the current-day term?) and appreciating it all, without the annoying/distracting sexual aspects. In a way it seemed to make it all the more enjoyable for me.

[Nitrogen]

Summer, I feel like I could have written that exact message myself. Of course, no one is exactly like you, but I relate in that I’ll often feel a strong attraction to a guy in the beginning of a relationship and it’s almost killed once sexual activity starts ramping up. I experience depression too and so there may very well be pschylogical factors in play, but at my age, I am tired of continually forcing myself to try and enjoy sex. I’ve had very patient partners who have worked hard to help me enjoy myself so it’s not as if I haven’t had compassionate partners. I just want a relationship without that looming expectation and that pressure that I always feel. I have no advice for you because I feel just as alone and this problem has been a major factor in the failure of my relationships. I just wanted you to know that there are others like you out there. It may not help much, and there’s no guarantee of a positive outcome but…there it is.

[Mystique]

Summer, Feel exactly like you. It’s sorrowful for me because I don’t go into a relationship seeking sex. However, as time goes on if you If begin to like you I’d want to get in my affectionate mode. I’m into cuddling, snuggling and hold hands and hugging. I can most definitely pass on the sex part, though. But after that encounter, I’d get away and take time to pleasure myself sometimes. The chore of being intimate sexually reduces my already low libido and makes for a stressful day. Touch my hand, rub my shoulder, pat me on the butt but don’t ask me to have sex and we’d have a great time. Mystique

[Author]

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