How do you tell your friends and romantic partners that you're Ace?

[Amber CrankshawParticipant]

Hey everyone! I’m new to the site, so a hello from me ^_^

I don’t know why, but I personally feel like it’s kind of tiresome even thinking of telling people what my sexuality is. I was that person that thought she was “broken” or whatnot and now that I can put a name on my feelings, I don’t know how to tell people. I told one person I was asexual and they thought I was able to asexually reproduce (like a plant ._.). And even when I talk to people in regards to asexuality, they look at me like I’m crazy. I have one friend (he’s bisexual) and I wanted so badly to tell him I was Ace (the first person I could come out to at work), but I panicked and just didn’t. And thinking about telling a guy (romantic interest) that I don’t want to be sexual scares the crap out of me >_>. All I want to do is watch anime and play video games with him lol.

Any tips or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated! Thank you ^-^

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of discussion on how to come out as asexual, and being misunderstood is common. Some people are good at subtly educating an interest first, which is really effective. I know some people have started by asking “Do you think the Doctor is asexual or is he attracted to his companions?” That avoids some very negative reactions as well.

I’m a blunt person, so I usually avoid the word “asexual.” I just say I’m not interested in men or women. Some people get it and some people think I’m joking. Of course, that doesn’t do much for people I might have romantic interest for. Luckily, I never meet anyone or do anything but work, so it’s not a problem. It’s a simple life.

I don’t have much advice, you may just need to find something that works for you. Sorry. It’s hard for all of us.

[VeeeSpectator]

Some secrets are best kept to ourselves…I’d tell a prospective partner but not the rest of the world!

[Anonymous]

i’m just straightforward

[Amber CrankshawParticipant]

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions, I greatly appreciate it 🙂

[NitrogenParticipant]

I haven’t told anyone, and I don’t think there’s a reason to outside of potential partners. If I’m ever with another asexual (hasn’t happened yet, but speaking in vainly-hoped-for hypotheticals), our sex life or lack thereof is absolutely no one else’s business.

[NicoleParticipant]

I’ve “come out” to family and very close friends before. I usually ask the person to be in a non-judgmental place and open their mind to begin with. Once they are ready, I explain that humans exist on a wide variety of spectrums (political, biological, intellectual, etc). Then I explain that sexuality is one of these many spectrums and describe it. Aces fall on one end of the spectrum, but even within that piece there is still a spectrum of people, which I then describe.

[DavidParticipant]

I only tell them that I am asexual only when topic comes up. One friend asked me straight up asked what my sexual orientation is during playing video games. I casually told him I’m asexual and proceeds to ask questions about it. My High School friends all of them knew by word of mouth.

Most of the people will be curious enough to ask, most of them attracted to you, while some of them genuinely wants to get to know you as a friend. For romantic interests, it’s much more harder if you’ve already developed a dating relationship before knowing flat out that you’re asexual. So I suggest just take your time and find a good moment to mention it.

What I usually do is gauge people’s reaction by leaving paper trails about it. I once told my mom “What if I don’t give her any grandchildren”, to which she responded that she would be sad but it’s fine for her. So I told her I was asexual and was ultimately fine about it, with the inclusion of explanations.

[MargueriteParticipant]

My Someone is allosexual. I should add in here that I actually enjoy kissing. I don’t have any kind of “thrill” or sexual response, I just find it pleasant. Before my Someone and I got past closed-lips kisses I told him “Look, this is my reality. I don’t like sex. I don’t have certain physiological reactions, I don’t get ‘turned on’, I don’t feel a drive for sex, it’s a complete non-entity to me”.

Not going to lie: It took him aback. He had to think about it. (I love him for thinking about it.) He decided to pursue me anyway.

Here’s the kicker: That DIDN’T END THE CONVERSATION.

We still talk about sex. He is, as I said, allosexual. He does want/need sex. So we talk about what things I am OK doing for him. We talk about what a good balance between me being very “meh” and him being very “yeh!” is. We talk about it I’d say every other week or so. “Are you getting what you need, my dear Someone?” “I could use more (specific request) or (other specific request)”. Some of those come with “I don’t want to (other specific request) but what about (additional act)?” or “I will try to (specific request) more often”.

Just last night he told me “I would like more sex, but being with you is more important to me than having more sex” which, again, why I love him. He’s worth having sex to me. I’m worth not having sex to him. (Yes, I do know how lucky I am.)

If you’re into an allosexual you’re going to have to figure that sort of thing out. Coming out right away makes it easier to weed out the ones that aren’t worth it.

So when do you tell them? In my opinion, early. You tell them early. You let them decide how they feel about it before you get so invested in them that it’s a big traumatic thing if they say “sorry, deal breaker”. Treat it like you would any other important thing for someone to know, like you would allergies or religion.

[Author]

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