Friendship with sexual people

[Paola]

Hi everyone,
I’m really glad to have found a site where I can talk about matters that I wasn’t able to talk with anyone IRL.

How are your sexual friendships going?

Do you experience, like me, the feeling of being isolated or left out because your asexuality?
I didn’t come out to my friends, mostly because here in Italy people doesn’t even know what this term means, I’m just the single friend that is not looking for anyone to marry, so this might influence my experiences.

For example, the other day I was having dinner with two new friends, we were getting along very well, talking about art (we all attend to a drawing/painting course), about travels, work related problems, how we like to spend our free time, how is to live in other countries…even lighter matters like pets or Netflix.
And then…bamm, the topic of past relationships as well as the topic of sex were introduced; the tone wasn’t crude or gross way…in the normal way sexual adult people talk about it. But nevertless this ruined a bit the mood of the evening for me, because I couldn’t help but thing that DAMN, right, they aren’t asexual so this topic will be probably resurface if we’ll continue to hang out together and I’ll be forced just to nod and pretend to know what they are talking about.

So, do you feel that being friend with a sexual people, can be tiring because of that?

Second experience. Is it happened to any of you that when your sexual friends start to date, get married or have children they automatically exclude you from their lives? This is a matter that make me suffer quite much, especially with people I’ve a close relationship with or I have been known from a long time. It is like that being single automatically exclude you from the not-single social circle. (I literally had my best friend from the University stopping to hang out with me and start to hang out only with another friend with a boyfriend so they could go to double dates together…) 🙁

So, did you have disappointing experiences with your sexual friends? How do you cope?
I always try to be friendly and finds new things to do and new people to know…but it can be tiring, especially when you work full time and the weekend you have to “work” again, to organize something to do with the others, otherwise you’ll end up spending your day alone.

[Anonymous]

Yes to all of that! I’m 35 and have lost most of my friends to marriage or kids. I find it difficult to have adult conversations when the kids tag along and I find it impossible to trust any friends that are married because they immediately go home and tell my stories to their spouse! I did have one friend that I completely trusted and it was wonderful to be so open with someone but then drama happened and now he’s gone. I know exactly what you mean about conversations being tiring when you have to pretend to know what’s going on. I joined a group on Meetup.com for asexuals, do they have something like that in your area?
Sorry I haven’t been much help but I do know exactly what you mean (if that helps at all!)

[Paola]

Hi Ilia!
Actually having someone that has my same opinion really helps me!
It’s difficult to be understood sometimes. My twin sister tries to be supportive, but she simply can’t completely understand me when I say to her that I suffer if my friends are walking away from me. She is sad that I’m sad, but she also think that it’s normal that a certain age you have less and less people to spend time with. But she’s married and she never have been a very social person to start with,so her husband is enough for her.
It’s not that I don’t like kids, I’ve done a lot of babysitting and gave lessons to elementary kids when I was younger, but I’m sad that automatically being a mother means I can’t no longer be part of my friends’ lives.
Unfortunately there isn’t a Meetup asexual group in Rome, Italy isn’t really advanced about this sort of things!

[danny]

Hi i have had similar experience
my only advice is to try and find non judgemental friends,it took many years for me but i do have an ok social crowd these days they almost never ask me about relasionships.I went through negative periods with friends years ago and it did get unpleasant at times, being a guy
you are supposed to talk about sex all the time and when you dont it creates suspition amongst judgemental people,i had one friend from school who is actually a cross dresser but he had a problem with gay people, and started being all suspicious of me because im nearly always single, he had to go! and another friend who started becoming very spiteful and nasty.Its been a long journey but i now only let the people into my life i feel are gentle of spirit and keep themselves to themselves, a bit hard sometimes but its been worth it.

Dan.

[Paola]

Hi Danny,
thank you for your words.
It isn’t that my friends are judgemental. It’s more older people who, like parents or relatives, keep negging me about when I’m going to settle down because I’m getting old.
Some of my friends can be thoughless, though. SInce I’m usually pretty accomodating and that I’m single and childless, sometimes I feel like my time and my needs are less important. It’s like they take me for granted and it isn’t a nice feeling.
I’m sorry for your bad experiences. We women tends to be considered spinsters or a bit weird if we are single, but also for you men it must not be simple; especially because -as a guy- you’re supposed to flaunt your relantionship and your conquests…so to speak. Not every guy I know is like this,but many are.
Among my close friends, both male and females, we tend to not judge if you are dating or not, or who are you dating. Unfortunately people like this are very few and, n my case, don’t live near me so I can’t spend as much time as I would like with them, and it can be lonely.
But it nice to have found another similar soul!
Paola

[Rhiannon]

Hi I’m only 21 and I have a lot of experience with that unfortunately especially in high school I honestly didn’t know what people were talking about especially all the inside jokes and stuff and for some reason every teenage conversation ends up going to sex. I have a hard enough time connecting to people and not even attempting to understand what they were talking didn’t help I finally gave in and dated a sexual and let’s just say that ended horribly. My best friend is dimisexual and tries but even with her I end up as a third wheel most of the time when we hang out with others.

[danny]

Hi Paola

Yes it can be a bit lonely sometimes, at least we all
know we are not alone,just
generally rather far away
from each other.

Danny x

[Paola]

Hi Danny and Rhiannon!
Sorry I respond only now buthat my mom broke her leg so there had been very busy and hectic days for me!
Danny…yes, it can be lonely, for this reason I’m grateful to have found this site!
Rhiannon, I’m sorry for your bad experience! At your age I didn’t even understood I was asexual. I just thought I was a late bloomer. It was easier for me also because my friends weren’t so sex obsessed and we can spend time together without it being the topic of our conversations.
I too dated a sexual boy in high school…he was very nice, but we I understood he wanted see, even if he never pressured me, I left him because I didn’t feel comfortable knowing that he wanted from me something I could give him.
Btw…Danny and Rhiannon, if you want message me. I’d be happy to respond! 🙂

[Emily]

Ah! These are totally things I worry about. I feel like I’m losing my friends to marriage, babies, and just other traditional life markers that I can’t relate to because of my sexuality. Also, just the fact that people seem to disregard non-sexualized relationships between men and women as a real/valid thing bums me out.

I’m lucky to have a number of understanding and asexual friends. However, interactions that result in some variation of just-you-wait-till-you-find-the-right-one comments do arise. Why can’t people believe me when I say I’m not into romantic relationships?

I tend to face more issues with family and friends around my parent’s age. They have a harder time fathoming why I live my life the way I do. Also, being Asian, the constant question of will I hook up with an Asian or non-Asian guy comes up. Just a lot of questions which make me want to scream, “WHY DO YOU CARE AND IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AND YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE ME ANYWAYS!” Sigh…might as well laugh it off…

I did attempt one short lived relationship with a girl who was not asexual. It didn’t work out, and I felt pretty insecure about not being able to please her sexually, since I understood that it was a big reason why we wouldn’t work out together. Upside, though I still can’t relate a large number of love/get-sexy song lyrics, I can finally empathize with the break-up ones.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Emily.

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