Dating someone who isn't Ace

[Sarah Thompson]

Hello everyone!! My name is Sarah, and I was hoping to get some input.

I recently found this website online and realized that I’d made an account a few years back, but never actually paid to be a member. Now that I’m in a community like this, I’m starting to feel less alone.

I went on a date last night with a nice guy…and at the end of the date, all I could think about was “How am I going to tell him I’m ace?” I’m not physically attracted to him at all, but he’s a really nice guy…I just wish I could find Asexuals in my area. I know only a handful in Dallas and they aren’t looking for relationships. I’m just at a loss, because I want to find someone to be around without getting scared of expectations.
I don’t know…
Sarah.

[danny]

Hi Sarah

Im Ace and ive dated non ace people i dated a woman last year for 9 dates as special friends she was religious so there was no pressure for sex,it didnt lead anywhere sadly but she was pleasant company.My experience is it does generally end in tears if you date sexed people, however you may get lucky, maybe hes not very active sexually? fingers crossed anyway:)

Danny.

[Anonymous]

I have similar issues, I like guys as friends but it’s difficult to say “hey, let’s go out to a movie but just as friends” and then you hear a lot of “friendzone” or “tease” words thrown around. I found a meme of two ants sitting on a fruit and the girl ant said “so… is this a date?” And the boy ant said “no! This is a fig!” I thought it was cute and I sent it to a guy and asked if he wanted to go on a fig with me! I find that being honest certainly helps but probably only if you are really interested in someone.

[Anonymous]

In my experience it always ends in disaster. It doesnt matter what i say about being asexual to a bloke on a date…they just dont get it and think ive just not had the “right” guy yet (meaning them cause they think they are the one lol). Before the date is over they are trying to get their paws all over me and down my pants. Its so frustrating. It seems thats all men are after! Its like they psych themselves up to get through dinner and chit chat for a few hours and then they will get to what they were ultimately there for… the sex. WTF????

[Jane isabel conway]

I have had many relationships vanish in a puff of smoke when i’ve said im not interested in sex. Before i’d realised that I was asexual I also did a lot of self-sabotaging of relationships that were getting to that stage (I once broke up with a guy by text message on valentines day… not my proudest moment!)

Its hard, but I think it comes down to knowing yourself well enough to know what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and what you do and don’t want out of a relationship. And if the man or woman you’re dating can’t respect that then they aren’t the one for you. Which sucks, I know. I have often surveyed the remains of a relationship and been left wondering if maybe I just didn’t explain it well enough. But I think it comes down to the fact that people are often by their very nature quite self-centred (I mean no disrespect by this, but its true) and so if they hear that we dont feel sexual attraction, they may take it as an insult or at least a blow to their ego.
A friend of mine when she came out as gay in high school told me that when she told a mutual friend the conversation was like this: ‘so you’re attracted to girls?’ ‘Yes’ ‘okay… are you attracted to me?’ ‘No’ ‘why not?!?!?’

[Author]

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