Combating loneliness

[Chu Mou]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been really lonely for a long time, and being 34 with friends that all are married with kids, I feel like the odd one out. The last time I had a real relationship (not just casual dating) was in college, over 10 years ago. It doesn’t help that I also have social anxiety.

However, until I meet ‘the one’, I don’t want to sit around and feel isolated. So do any of you have pangs of loneliness and what are some of the ways you deal with it? I’m thinking about getting a dog, but I don’t know what else to do.

[Heather Greco]

I recently discovered this http://www.meetup.com

Its like joining clubs for adults. You can find what you like to do and keep busy. At least that’s what I try to do 🙂

Heather

[Anonymous]

Second vote for meetup.com I found some really great groups through it.

[Dan]

I went to a couple asexual Meetup meetings a couple years ago in my area but found the people there difficult to engage or get to know. Are we all just “nerdy” socially awkward people, or what? But yes, generally-speaking, Meetup.com is a good way to connect to people with mutual interests outside of the ace community. Or inside that community if you have a good one near you. Maybe I should give the one near me another chance.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Dan.

[Dan]

For me, living the ace life is one of intense loneliness. I can’t seem to meet ace women locally and in person and seem to relate better emotionally and intellectually to women from other countries and cultures who I meet online. It is very frustrating. I do connect easily and affectionately with many women, but of course at best can maintain platonic relationships with sexual women when I do crave something much deeper and more intimate.

[Anonymous]

Well anyway, I am just happy that we are having a conversation, even though it is online. Thanks for the company guys! I’ve been making really nice friends lately, but still, I think we all feel some kind of special emptiness, that one that is calling for the right person. I hope I can establish a special connection with someone soon (or later), the important is taking care of ourselves and try to get better everyday.

[Anonymous]

You know, I really wonder how many asexual people there are out there… I want to know what my odds are of actually finding someone I can live a mating-free life with. 😉 Then again, there are all sorts of asexuals out there. I feel most of them probably just try to live like any other sexual person would.

I personally only get lonely if I expect someone to be with me. Alot of my friends are currently finding their matches, and it’s got me expectant I will too. So.. I’m feeling the bitter Northern wind in my soul right about now. xD

Something that helps me with loneliness is activity, always. Taking a walk in the park, getting a group together for a game, or swimming usually works. That or working on something, a hobby. I don’t know if travel is an option for you but my idea is that that would help the most. And who knows, you might find a memorable acquaintance. I tend to steer away from intentionally meeting people though because, once again, it fuels my consciously subconscoius (haha) expectations; and if my expectations aren’t met, I’m usually feeling worse than I was before!

I should also mention that pets aren’t really a good idea for me (and perhaps not you either). I might start to wish they were people… I was seriously in love with my cat one time. It’s like he always knew just what I needed, whether it was play time, cuddle time, or alone time. (I was literally praying that to God I’d wake up one day and he’d be a real person… and funny thing about that is, I met someone right after…but, that’s another story. ;)) Unfortunately I had to give him up because of a family member.

Lastly, I don’t know if you’re open to this (I myself wouldn’t), but you can hire a cuddle girl/guy.

[Chu Mou]

Thanks for all of your suggestions! I have been on meetup.com for a while and done some activities such as volunteering, which is always rewarding. I guess it never occurred to me to see if there are any asexual meetup groups. I will definitely do a search. As for getting a pet, I might end up wanting it to be human as well. LOL. But it’s interesting how in-tune your pet is with your emotions and can be there for you when you’re feeling down. BTW, I had no idea you could actually hire a cuddle guy. Haha. That sounds fun actually. I wonder if there is a meetup just for cuddling as well! I really want to be “normal” though and fall in love w/ a guy, but I’m not sure that will ever happen as the biological clock continues to tick. 😛 I hope to find an asexual man to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Just haven’t met anyone like that unfortunately.

[Violetta]

I think it is impossible to combat loneliness. I feel lonely in the whole universe even if there are some primitive people around me but they are foreign to me, they don’t enjoy me. If I would have a soulmate then my loneliness would be gone.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Violetta.

[Anonymous]

Watch a couple of ASMR videos every day. It works, but it has undesirable side-effects if you overdo it.

[Honest and Open]

I’m enjoying this thread. Very real. Sorry, what are ASMR videos?

[Anonymous]

IDK to be honest I tried the whole meet up thing.. all the groups that I’m interested in don’t exist on Long Island. Im not a very physically active person.. I’m a tech person and a lot of the things I like are activities that you don’t need a lot of socialization for.. however when you do want to make relationships, and things like Video Games and Singing or movies are your interests its a hard place to start. I also notice that platonic friendships at my age aren’t what my age are looking for most of the time if I seem to be hitting it off with someone they always want something more and I’m just not looking for that… its very difficult honestly.

[Ali]

I find this an interesting thread. I find my loneliness is not to do with my sexuality but more my state of mind. I’m more lonely around people when the connection is off. I have got to know me and learned to love me which helped. Try some self compassion and find you and enjoy you. Then watch the connections come to you and you’ll find it easier with the meet ups and finding things you’d like to do and who with. That deep dark emptiness isn’t fun, I know but it doesn’t have to be that way. My loneliness turned out to be something I had since childhood and once I was able to let it go I felt great! As said I now find I’m lonely when not connecting to similar minds or when ill as I’d like someone to make me a cuppa when feeling sorry for myself on the sofa sneezing and coughing. I know I am alone but I don’t feel lonely, though friends tell me I do feel lonely, err no, that can be quite annoying. I don’t want to be alone forever which is why I am here. It took a while but got here. So are you so yay! You’ve already taken a massive step out of the deep dark pit. I also know easier said then done. That’s why start with self compassion. May sound a bit wooie but wooie helped me. (not sure that is a word)

[Anonymous]

Loneliness is a real issue for me and I have tried many ways to deal with it. Meet ups have been a bit of a life saver for me. It was so difficult at first but now the people in the group feel like family. As the groups are strictly non dating, I can feel comfortable, despite seeming to be the only asexual on the earth, lol. As you say, Ali, I too feel that loneliness when around others when there is no connection. As great as the meet ups are, I experience loneliness amidst them. They are terrific folks but we are not of similar minds. So, it is a way to get out, socialize in a light way, and not stare at the 4 walls. I can relate to what you say in terms of getting to like myself and enjoying being with myself. I have felt sorry for myself many times and I still do at times but I try to focus on the positive in order to not fall into that deep dark pit of despair which taps at the door too often.

[Anonymous]

It’s true in many ways, Stephen. I basically attend meet ups that have to do with listening to live bands. I was looking up meet ups in another city that I might be visiting and their selection was hiking and pool in bars. Recently I found a group of artist/LGBTQIA folks thru the Women’s Resource Centre at the local University. Nice group of all kinds of gender orientation and young. It’s nice to do things with others, even reading together or movies or gaming.

[Anonymous]

I looked it up on You Tube – autonomous sensory meridian response – interesting. Soothing sounds in a different way than I had ever heard before.

[Ali]

lol yes the feeling sorry for self does creep up and I think we all do at times. Just finding one thing that doesn’t make you feel sorry for self can make a difference. I even think of funny memories or watch something funny to help. I’m also mindful so I don’t push away the sadness and pity and sit with it. sometimes it just needs to be heard and that it is ok to be feeling what I’m feeling.

I’ve not tried the meet ups yet but people have suggested it, I think friends feel sorry for me, even worse lol or hoping I meet someone. I’m with Pamela, I feel like the only asexual on the block lol (so grateful to have found this site) Trouble is I feel safe in my world in my home alone, I think I’m more scared of getting out there. I have said to myself I will try in summer, I’d like to go dancing. You said you found it difficult at first Pamela, what helped you through it?

[Anonymous]

I am reading a book entitled, “The Mindful Way through Depression,” which writes about observing negative thoughts and allowing them to be there. Even focussing upon what is coming up in the mind can help to gently blow the thoughts away, thus allowing them to move on. It is so hard to put it into words but the book is very helpful so far. I know what you mean, Ali, about sitting with the sadness. Trying to fix it or bury it can invite rumination.

I went to a meeting the other day put on by the LGBTQIA community in the Women’s Resource Centre of the university. I always get nervous before I go to these things but it was okay and I felt comfortable.

What helps me get to these meet-ups is sheer will I suppose. I see my situation and I don’t like it so I look up ways to change it and then I just make myself do new things. I have to say, it is stressful, no kidding. But you can live through it and begin to reap the benefits. Walking into a crowded room freaks me out so I started with meet ups that have an activity, like a movie or a lecture. I make sure I get there early so I can find a seat and get settled. I deep breathe on the way. It helps if I have slept well and have had a good meal. Other than that, I then go with the flow and I find that many folks at these events are just as nervous as I am. Sometimes I pretend I am just going to the store until the minute I walk into the meet up. Then I don’t have time to get all worked up. And sometimes, I cancel my rsvp and stay home.

It took me 2 years to actually go to one, lol. And some of the live music events involve alcohol and so a beer helps to quell some of the butterflies too.

Good luck with it all. For me, I felt that I was losing my mind staying in alone night after night so I weighed my options. But, on the other hand, I have several close friends who are very content with their own company and they have a pet and activities and a smattering of family that they enjoy and they feel no need to look further. I envy their ability to be content.

thanks for your message 🙂

[Author]

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