Age differences in relationships

[David Hill]

I wouldn’t want to explain our relationship every time that we go out; but I would date someone who fell into the range of 19-39 years old. It’s just a number, right? But, I’m not sure I want to explain to people that’s she’s my date and not my mother..

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by David Hill.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by David Hill.

[Anonymous]

Age itself probably shouldn’t matter, but I would want someone who is at a similar stage in their life to me. Not only does age tend to correlate, but I feel like it should. Someone ten years older but in a similar place in their life to me is living at a different pace, and the same for someone younger. Is it reasonable to expect that, if it took different lengths of time to get to where we are now, we’ll reach the same place together in another ten years?

[Anonymous]

To a certain extent, the difference in maturity level, life experience and stage of life can’t be overcome if the person you’re dating is so much older (or younger) than you are. Especially if you’re a teenager or early twenties, dating someone much older is an absolute no-no. The gap seems to narrow as you get older though. That’s my opinion.

[Dave]

Personally i think it depends on each individual person. The first relationship i had lasted 12 years and we were within 2 years age gap. Yet the next time the lady was 12 years older, and that only lasted a few months. At this point i thought if was important to be of similar age, but going on rececent(past 5 ) years, it really is more a case of similar interests and outlock on life. I’m out diving two/three times a week, always doing stuff and yet i know people half my age who just sit in front of the television day by day. As a reply to one of the earlier posts, there are far more younger people on this site than middle aged, so for a bloke looking for a woman, it narrows any chance of meeting someone on here dramatically. Being in southwest england doesn’t help either, so it does seem abit of a waste of time, however a thing learned as a diver is no matter what, you never give up, ever!

[Alexander Avery Jenkins]

Hi all, my personal opinion is the only thing that matters in a relationship of any kind is how you and the other party feel about each other. Also, age, physical apparence, what others think and all that other jazz shouldn’t matter so much. As long as you can connect on some sort of meaningful level if that is even possible for you.

[Joy]

It matters to me for sure. For age, a guy no more than 10 years older, or 3 years younger is what works for me. I just feel more comfortable that way. In addition, I can’t date anyone who looks like they can be my parent. Otherwise, it depends on various factors.

[Alexander Avery Jenkins]

Personally I like older women or guys around my age, but then again age or looks doesn’t really matter since it will be a platonic relationship.

[Sara]

I had an amazing connection with someone almost twice as old as me, we spoke in the phone for hours several times a week, met up several times a month and I loved his company. I was proud to be seen with him even when his mobility wasn’t good as he was such a fun and interesting person. My kids loved him too.

Knowing him made me think about what I am looking for and feel open to age differences that I may not have done before. You have to get to know someone beyond their skin and your hang-ups.

[Dave]

Hi Alex, i really agree that for a platonic relationship age really has no meaning, similar interests are probably more important. Just as with friends, i have good mates that are 20 up to 80, of all genders and races so it’s all cool. Thankyou for your input as well Sara, i’m glad you had that relationship with an older bloke, and thanks for posting. Hopefully, others will read your response and realise 48 is hardly sitting on the grim reapers doorstep! Lol

[mari1]

Im 47 and i prefer young men but is very very difficult tu find any age of asexual man

[Anonymous]

I try to keep things +/- 3 years, but I’ll talk to anyone; I guess I just feel like its best if we could’ve been in high school together, but I’m not really experienced at dating so I try to be more open minded.

[Crystal]

I’ve never dated anyone younger than me. I’ve not had a lot of ‘relationships’ but the few I had were with +13, +8, or +5. I don’t believe I went looking for the age but it just happened to work out that way. I am much more inclined to be drawn to the person without knowing their age. I also tend to forget my own age so… there’s that. I’m told that I look younger and act older than my real age so it’s difficult for me to associate numbers with people, it’s ALL on mental and emotional connection. Do we have anything in common? Can we sit and talk about everything or can we enjoy silence together? Is this someone I can imagine spending my time with, who makes life enjoyable, who will stick around even when they learn my quirks and insecurities? Is this someone that I love, not despite their flaws but because of them… age is a number and I’m more right brain than left brain.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’ll throw out my two cents about “Age differences in relationships”.

Before I answer the simple question of “would I be okay with or consider a significantly older or younger girl” its VERY important I consider the other person’s needs and wants as well. Its very possible and very likely that either participant in the relationship has an unhealthy motivation for being attracted to or seeking out such a setup. Consequently, the attraction and good feelings may be there at first but eventually run its course or prevent personal growth for either participant for the duration of the relationship. For example: the older may end up being a mentor and babysitter and the younger a pampered, pseudo-independent spoiled child. That’s one of the more extreme dynamics, however it appears to be the most common of unhealthy ones I have observed IRL and on internet forums.

I see it here quite a bit unfortunately, so I’ll go ahead and say it now. I very often find asexuals over the internet to be the “pseudo intellectual” type. This is %100 my opinion and anyone can surely lump me in the group as well. Though what I mean by this is that there seems to be a tendency for being stricken by a “special snowflake syndrome” where we over exaggerate our own unique qualities (like keyboard warrior kinds of “intelligence”), merits, and “assets” that we have to contribute to a long-term relationship other than the labels and personality-subjective things we often use to describe ourselves.

With all that said, a healthy mutually beneficial relationship must meet certain criteria. Both participants ideally should be at a point where they can take care of themselves physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially before latching onto someone else. Instead of simply filling up their needs or desires, they should look to grow each other’s strengths and bolster weaknesses. An ideal relationship has chemistry and compatibility for growth on a variety of personal levels. Since sex is out of the equation, chemistry is still important although it is chemistry more in the emotional and psychological realms. Compatibility has SOME to do with personality, but life experiences and shared interests are just as important if not more so.

It’ll vary for different generations, especially us crazy whacko messed-up Millennials, but +/- 10 years is my shot-in-the-dark abstract limit I’d consider is generally okay. I personally wouldn’t do past +/- 4. The older you get, the less the age difference does matter. There are a lot of factors that come into play I didn’t even begin to touch on… Though, if there is going to be a large age gap, it would be better if a man was the one who was older. I would have to make a separate and lengthy post for why I believe this.

To summarize, I think both participants in a significantly large age gap must brutally and honestly ask themselves what each of them have to offer the other and if it is a fair deal. Emotions can get in the way of a calm, rational decision-making process. I of course am talking about a traditional long-term relationship of life-time co-habitation such as traditional marriage of man-woman or man-man or woman-woman.

Some on this website aren’t looking for the mutually-exclusive and commitment-based life-long relationships revolving around companionship. This obviously isn’t for them.

[Anonymous]

“There is also nothing more agressive than rape darling. Rape is the most agressive thing there is and I would know. It is also not quite harmful to women. Giving birth is. Periods are. Those are things that make us bleed.”

This is one of many bits on this page that seriously question my being here on this website. I mean seriously, you don’t believe what you’re saying or if you do you have no real life perspective at all. For whoever originally said this, please take into simple consideration you were born into this world just as everyone else you love because of sex. Also, there are more aggressive things than sex. I daresay the brave men and women of your country who fight in wartime to protect your freedom to say stupid things go through more aggressive acts than rape. I think taking bullets is worse, don’t you? Bullets kill. Or if you’re captured and tortured, that’s worse, ain’t it? Even if you don’t ever plan to have sex in your life, it is SUPER IMPORTANT we all have a respect for it and for those who desire it because we wouldn’t be here without it. There’s more to say but I obviously do not belong on this website. THere’s very little critical thinking here.

[Lori C]

I was with someone only four years older, but still noticed major differences in our experiences: politics, world events, disasters, and education. For example, that four years gave them time to have many more relationship experiences whilst I had none.

There was also someone twelve years my junior; they didn’t have common knowledge – to my age group, that is, so I was either biting my tongue or rolling my eyes.

[Gerdes]

I’m in a relationship with a lady who is 23 years younger. Everyone matures physically, emotionally and psychologically at different rates. Most of my friends are younger than me and pick my biological age at around 15 years younger than I am and don’t believe it when I tell them my actual biological age. My psychological and emotional (or experiential) age is also around 15 years or more younger since, for various reasons, I never married or had children. I spent a decade or two deciding on my career path and returned to undergraduate studies in my late 30s, at which time I felt little or no generation gap with the other undergrads. In case some people are thinking this is about money – it is not since I am not a rich man and she is a woman with qualifications and assets of her own. We just have a lot in common I guess. My partner and I are also both demi-sexuals, which helps. I do not worry about ten, twenty, thirty years time. My parents were also like me and when my dad, uncles and aunties were in their eighties, they were still active, like the average sixty something. My dad continued working into his mid-seventies out of choice. I expect I would be the same. Unfortunately there still is a lot of age puritanism or age discrimination when it comes to couples. These days men can marry men and women can marry women without too much disapproval but when it comes to an age difference of over 10 years, there appears to be prejudice by many people, especially if the man is the older partner.

[Meadow Rain]

Hi JC, not sure how old you are…don’t care but maybe YOU don’t know if your ACE or not, maybe you seclude yourself too much to know…(this is your own statement reversed). This group is definitely not a place to question other people’s knowledge of themselves and their feelings not matter how old they are. If you didn’t know if you were ace when you were young than you are not, people don’t change and become ACE as time goes on.

[Dan]

I’m all for wide age differences in relationships if the couple share much in common, are compatible, love and respect and support each other. I had that relationship with Zaida, a wonderful Guatemalan woman a quarter century younger than me, who I met here in Asexualitic. Not only was there an age gap, but a geographic gap. Nonetheless, we grew very emotionally close by daily online chatting and Skype. We were finally planning on meeting in each other’s countries when, on July 4, 2015, she died of sudden illness, leaving me devastated. Whether close or far in age and geography, I just want someone to love.

To see an adorable couple with a nearly 40-year age gap who have made it work, and answer people’s questions and objections, see May December Society’s (Joe and Angela) videos at https://www.youtube.com/user/maydecembersociety

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dan.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dan.

[Gerdes]

I think as society has changed, people are starting to realise that there is a difference in biological age and experiential age. We do not follow set patterns of living eg all leave school around 18, graduate from Uni at around 22, get a job, find a partner the same age in ones 20s, get married before age 25 or 30, have kids a few years later, build up finances together, stay in the same career for life, retire by the time one is 60! I have been told to date only women of similar age or women much older than me (because that is the ‘politically correct’ thing to do) but I do not relate to most women of similar age because they are usually parents or even a few grandparents, they have stuck in linear careers and lifestyles and because I have not done these things yet, view me as an ‘oddball’ or a ‘failure’. No, I did not meet someone earlier in life partly because I am on the asexual spectrum and partly because I am an introvert who had bad experiences in my childhood and had borderline personality parents. I am finally starting to overcome that, only to be told by regular people that ‘the party is over. You have missed the boat. Get ready for the old age home’ or to date a granny who is socially conservative or with the values of yesteryear. I have little in common with people who have had regular, linear lives however I find people of my experiential age, that is whatever biological age they may be, who are looking forward to starting a new career, who have not had children before and who are still interested in the simple things that experientially younger people are.

[Sandra]

Hi Gerdes, I totally get you as you know.

I get attracted to guys in their early 20s, because that is the mindset and lifestyle I have. I see other guys my own birth certificate age as old enough to be my father usually, as that is how they actant often think. Plus, I feel way more comfortable being close with a much younger guy, and older guys are usually too scary and adult for me in their relationship needs.

[Author]

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