[Sandra]

Hi everyone

I have to laugh to myself because I tend to always attract the sex mad guys, the opposite to what I want. Last Wednesday I had a date with a guy, I always prefer a younger guy, he was 21, almost 22. Being a heteromantic asexual, grey ace cougar, I love kissing but don’t want or need to take it any further, plus I have fibro which means I can’t. Throughout the date he kept complementing me and kept wanting me to return the compliments. Although I threw him the odd compliment, I told him there was no point as he knew he could get any woman he wanted. He verified how good looking he was on several occasions. At the end of the date, he shockingly asked me to be his girlfriend, despite the fact that I said I wasn’t interested in having sex with him. I said no and told him why. He had the cheek to say would you be my girlfriend but mind if I had sex with other women, to which I replied no and confidently said, that I can find a guy just like me and don’t need to be with you.

I try to always see the positives in any situation.

[susan]

i actually had the same question to me , a guy saying this and he thought it was weird that i thought a guy could be with me without sex, he thought it was obvious that i ment u could have sex on the side… i got mighty mad

[Sandra]

Hi Susan, apologies for the delay in reply, I have been off this site for a bit. I am not surprised you got mad. They think they are so good looking and that sex is a must. There are others that don’t like sex. I have chatted to some. In fact because I like passionately kissing, but not sex, I can be considered too sexual for some. Which is a weird concept for me.

[Anonymous]

I started a relationship with a sexual man who I was planning to have sex with (even though it’s not really what I wanted). I didn’t really understand, yet, that I was asexual, but was sensual (liked touch and kissing etc), so I still thought I must be sexual. I just didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I kept trying to find a way to have a relationship that didn’t feel wrong to me, but it always felt wrong until I accepted that I’m asexual.

Anyway, with this man, I kept finding excuses to keep us apart and postpone the inevitable (I told him I was really busy), so he asked me, since I was putting it off, if he could have sex with other women after I was his girlfriend. I said “not unless I can have sex with other men.” He changed his mind pretty quickly then—haha. But in the end he broke up with me because I have a jaw injury and can’t give oral sex. That is what made me the most angry. He made me feel like a sex object. How could I ever feel love or give love when I—a human being—was less important to him than a single sex act?

[Sandra]

Hi Carly

That is horrid for you. You are so better off without him. I don’t like sex at all, I don’t like anal, and I don’t really like giving oral either, and I certainly don’t want to have the yuky (to me) stuff, in my mouth. (Apologies to guys, please don’t be offended). I completely feel for you about your injury and his behaviour was atrocious. Why do a lot of sexual people think that they have to have that in a relationship? What happens if a person becaomes ill and can’t do that anymore? Even when I did do that, I didn’t need it, but then I was never that keen on it in the first place. I have Fibromyalgia which is a disability, and so apart from not liking sex, it hurts too much. I found out I was asexual, before I had a test to find out the fibro is worse in that area.

Big asexual hugs for you x
Sandra

[Katrina]

Hi Carly & Sandra~

I feel for both of you. I too enjoy the physical touch, passionate kissing, but intercourse is painful for me, I wouldn’t ever even try anal & I have a strong gag reflex coupled with a very picky palate so oral isn’t really an option I like.

I’ve been married for almost 18 years & we have been in marriage counselling for almost the past 3. I never had a real strong sex drive to begin with, but was okay with having sex (sometimes even enjoyed it), but since a hysterectomy followed 3 years later with breast cancer, it is now just too painful for me to bear. I have caught my hubby trying to start an affair, confronted him, he stopped, then I caught him having an affair, he stopped, we went to therapy, now I just recently caught him again trying to start an affair, as well as planning to divorce me.

His reason?? He HAS to have sexual intercourse to be in a marriage, whether with me or with someone else. Says he truly loves me very very much, but can’t deny himself any longer & cannot be celibate for the rest of his life. I thought we were best friends & that our love was strong. He stayed with me through all of my treatment, but now says he can’t take it anymore, even though he knows it is not my fault that my libido is now ZERO.

When we first got married I didn’t know about his sexual oddities (he liked wearing women’s underwear, enjoyed golden showers, bondage, etc). Because I LOVE him, I participated in things that made me uncomfortable, but I saw it gave him pleasure so I was willing to forego my own feelings to please him. Apparently it doesn’t work both ways.

Now at 51 it looks like I’m gonna be single again, with no job, no real marketable job skills beyond fast food or receptionist (so minimum wage jobs for me with crappy or no benefits). I just don’t understand how some physical act could be more important than someone you love. He even told me last night that love has nothing to do with marriage!!!

He mentioned to me that I may be asexual so I googled looking for information & support.

[Sandra]

Katrina, I am so sorry to read of your heartbreaking plight.

It seems a lot of guys can’t be in a relationship, let alone marriage, without sex. Why, I will never know, because I don’t like it, and even if I did, I would rather be with a person without it, than without that person, doing that with someone else.

I have Fibromyalgia, and particularly that area, along with my legs, is the worst affected area. I had a test a few months ago in that area, and I was screaming and crying in pain in the doctor’s surgery. The pain had got worse and I said to the nurse, that means I can’t have sex. Which I was pleased about in one way, because I knew just before, that I was definitely asexual, and now I am even more certain. At the time, I was devastated, in the sense that my right to choose, had in effect, been taken away from me. Now I look at it as a blessing, because I am sex repulsed anyway and I never want kids of my own in my life. It will help me to meet someone who doesn’t mind, or keep me on my path to greatness, in my happy single life.

Despite everything that’s happened, as much as it hurts now, you will get through this. You are a strong lady to even be writing so openly and honestly about this. If you felt uncomfortable and he kept having affairs, to be blunt, you deserve so much better and he was no longer a good match for you. You can and will, have a fantastic life, a new life, one to call your own, doing what you love and makes you happy.

I have a website called http://www.beatredundancyblues.com, that’s a free resource for redundant workers and job seekers to use. It has accesss to job, course and recruitment sites, from within the one site. You will have gained transferrable skills in your previous fast food and receptionist roles. Both play a vital role, in services to the public. You can get work in these areas again, and work your way up the ladder, or use them for a basic income while you look for jobs with a larger salary. You could turn a hobby into a self-employed career of your dreams. You can do voluntary work to try roles within different sectors, take a distance learning course, get work expereeince in a place where you would like to work, or other. The world is your oyster. Go for it.

[Author]

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